Finding It Hard to Break the Penis Chain

Chinese surgeons have performed the world's first penis transplant on a man whose organ was damaged beyond repair in an accident this year. The incident left the man with a 1cm-long stump with which he was unable to urinate or have sexual intercourse. 'His quality of life was affected severely,' said Dr Weilie Hu, a surgeon at Guangzhou General Hospital.

Doctors spent 15 hours attaching a 10cm penis to the 44-year-old patient after the parents of a brain-dead man half his age agreed to donate their son's organ. . . .

Although the operation was a surgical success, surgeons said they had to remove the penis two weeks later. "Because of a severe psychological problem . . ., the transplanted penis regretfully had to be cut off," Dr Hu said. . . .

"Psychological consequences of hand and face allografts show that it is not so easy to use and see permanently a dead person's hands, nor is it easy to look in a mirror to see a dead person's face," [Jean-Michel Dubernard, the French surgeon who performed the world's first face transplant on a woman who had been attacked by a dog this year] wrote in the journal. "Clearly, in the Chinese case the failure at a very early stage was first psychological. It involved the recipient's wife and raised many questions."

Let's see here. Multiply by. . . Carry the two, and 10 cm equals. . . . Oh, I see the psychological problem. You're 44, and you tell your wife after your operation, you're going to have a 22-year-old's penis and his length: "Honey, I'm finally swinging 10 down low!" There's going to be psychological problems when that turns out to be 10 cm and not inches (sadly, only 4 of those).

"Take that thing away," she'll say.

At which point, you should remember you've still got your testicles, and say, "Honey, you can cry: that's understandable. We can go to counseling: that's reasonable. Whatever it takes, we can do, and will do, 'cause, Honey, I love you, but I'm keeping the penis."

No man should have to have his penis lopped off twice.

By the way, Andrew George, transplant expert at Imperial College, London, who considers penis transplant surgery merely cosmetic, let me, Biff Loman, penised expert, Seattle, WA, and beyond, tell you something: There is nothing cosmetic about a penis. Take a look at one sometime.