North Carolina 45, dook 44

Mere weeks after members of their university's lacrosse team were accused of sexually assaulting exotic dancers, ranking Duke polo and equestrian team members are downplaying rumors that they repeatedly engaged in acts of exotic sexual misconduct during the infamously out-of-control parties held at the team's off-campus barn.

"We've done nothing wrong, veterinarians will find no evidence—DNA or otherwise—showing that horses have been assaulted, and of course no charges have been filed," said senior Nat Hennerty, captain of Duke's equestrian squad . . . .

While no formal accusations have been made, students claim the outrageous behavior of Duke's elite equestrian squad has become campus legend.

"I've never been to one of their parties, but everyone at Duke has heard the rumors," said a sophomore who spoke on condition of anonymity, saying she wished to protect herself from possible retaliation by the "privileged elites" who make up Duke's top-tier riding clubs. "Everyone's drinking, the lights in the stable go down, someone gets some saddle soap and a curry-comb…. pretty soon everyone's bareback, they're playing 'strip dressage,' strange lathered-up fillies are prancing around. . .

". . . A formal investigation would tear this campus apart," history professor Woodrow Peterson said. "After all, the Duke University community barely tolerated the systematic sexual abuse of two black women at the hands of its students. If word got out that valuable horses had been treated that way, this place would explode."

Unless, of course, they were black horses. Then, it'll just be a simple case of a few fillies trying to milk some nice boys out of a few extra oats.