Fuckin' Ohio, Thinks It's So Big

In compliance with the order of Judge Goodman, I humbly offer the following apologies to those I have wronged.

To the people of Cheyenne, Wyoming, I am sorry for ruining your beloved Frontier Days Parade. I should have known that my unauthorized float—Rootin’ Tootin’ Whores of the Wild, Wild West—would rub some people the wrong way. . . .

To the passengers and crew of Delta flight 1643 from New York to Los Angeles, I am sorry for turning a routine coast-to-coaster into a nail-biting descent into fear. Allow me to stress once more that I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of al Qaeda, Hamas, Islamic Jihad, Hezbollah, or the Al-Aqsa Martyrs’ Brigade, nor have I ever attended a training camp of any kind (unless you count the summer I spent at self-esteem camp when I was twelve, but all I learned to do there was make beaded wallets and cough-syrup daiquiris). Now, it’s true that I shouted “Death to America” several times, but most of my anger was directed at Ohio, and they know why. . .

May I never end up in a 12-Step Program or a court agreement or anything involves me apologizing for the wrongs I've committed. I asked that because, one, I regret nothing and, two, because it would be much, much longer than that, like War and Peace-longer, and would take me the rest of my life to compose. Yeah, I've done some things, hurt some people.

I hope that's not going to be a problem.