“Ohhh, Say Can You See …” Yes, I Can, and Eew

To many, the American flag symbolizes freedom and a way of life, and there are some things you just don't do to Old Glory - at least, not in Florida.

Under Florida law, anyone who mutilates, defaces, tramples, or burns a U.S. or Florida flag with the goal of insulting it is guilty of a first-degree misdemeanor.

Donnie White, 44, just found that out the hard way. …

White was arrested in a shopping plaza on West Hillsborough Avenue in Tampa, after someone called 911.

"The gentleman kept saying vulgar things about America and the flag and what he wants to do to the flag in a vulgar way." said Chris Johnson, a paramedic who witnessed the spectacle. …

“When the police officer took him to the side, he sat down actually, put the flag in his pants, and sat down on the flag and then he was rubbing his privates with the flag. The police officer got very upset over that, you could tell,” recalled Johnson.

“Biff Loman, for the defense, Your Honor.

“Clearly, there is no crime, here. State law says that no one can mutilate, deface, trample, or burn a flag with the goal of insulting it. To do so, is a first-class misdemeanor. My client did none of those things and his intent was not to insult Old Glory, nothing of the sort. On the contrary, when the police interrupted him, my client was in the act of pleasuring the flag with the intent of making sweet, sweet love. In that regard — and I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking this — if loving the flag is wrong, Your Honor, I don't want to be right.

“I'm sorry? Oh. Yes, my client is prepared to go to jail immediately.”