The Real Tragedy, Here, Is That That Guy Is Getting Laid

It’s hardly a typical scene from the suburbs. The Bortel home outside San Antonio counts 12 members—parents David and Suzanne and their 10 children, ranging from 13 months to 15 (the 20-year-old married and moved away)—all crammed into a four-bedroom house that trembles constantly with activity.

Everything revolves around the home: Dad works there, the kids are schooled there, the youngest three were born there. The family uses a 15-passenger van to get around, and at night, the kids climb into multiple sets of bunk beds.

David and Suzanne hear the same questions repeatedly. So for the record: No, they’re not Catholic. Yes, they’ve heard of birth control. And no, they’re not crazy. In fact, they’d happily welcome a 12th child.

“It’s about obedience to God,” says David, 38. “The Bible says that God is the only opener and closer of the womb.”

Isn't there a prayer or something for this, something that says, "You know what, lord, thanks for the Offer, but I think I've got this. I can take all the womb action from here. Or I will be able to if you'll get back to counting lilies of the field or, at least, cover your eyes. It's about to get weird in here, helper monkey with a Magic Wand weird, and no all-consuming Good should have to see that. (Thanks for answering that Helper Monkey prayer, by the way)?"