The New Scout Law: "A Scout Is Quiet, Very, Very Quiet"

Matt Stewart blames the Boy Scouts of America for his lost childhood.

"The first time I was molested was at the age of either six or seven," Stewart told CBS News Correspondent Sandra Hughes. "I was molested all the way up until I was 18 years old."

Stewart and his brother Tom were sexually abused by their assistant Scout master.

"The nightmares are still very real, even 25 to 30 years later," Matt said.

Former troop leader Bruce Phelps admitted under oath to having sexual contact with one and then the other.

As part of a lawsuit against Phelps and the Boy Scouts of America, the Stewarts' attorney, Tim Kosnoff, got an unprecedented look inside thousands of secret files through 2005. . . .

Kosnoff analyzed the numbers and came to this shocking conclusion: Before 1991, "a Scout leader was being tossed out for child molestation at the rate of one every three days," he said. "Post-1991, the rate was one every two days." That includes people suspected of abuse.

The Boy Scouts of America would not confirm how many troop leaders it has had to dismiss, but released a statement saying, "The total number of individuals in the file is an extremely small percentage of the tens of millions who have served in BSA since 1910, but even with that handicap, we've been able to molest more young boys than the National Organization of High School Teachers, and just a little less than the gold standard in this area, the Catholic Church.

"Now, don't get me wrong, those guys are good, but given our recent progress, I've got to tell you, I think we've got a shot at No. 1. In fact, if I could leave you with just one thought, it would be this: "Look out, Pope Benny! The Boy Scouts of America are gunning for your ass!

"Oh, can you print 'ass' in your paper?"

VULVA — It's the New Cocaine. (You Just Know This Is Not Going to End Well for Me)

VULVA Original — a worldwide exclusive

The erotic, intimate scent of an irresistible woman...

The precious, vaginal odour filled into a small glass phial. The phial is shaken, gently, only a tiny amount of the precious, organic substance is applied onto the back of the hand … and the irresistible smell that exudes from a sensuous vagina immediately intensifies your erotic fantasies and starts the film rolling in your head …

VULVA Original is not a perfume. It is a beguiling vaginal scent which is purely a substance for your own smelling pleasure.

Breathe in and enjoy, anytime, anywhere, the odour of a beautiful woman.

There's wrong, there's oh-so-very wrong, and then, there's German wrong. If you haven't guessed by now which one this is, let me help:

OH, MEIN GOTT! Dieses ist falsch!

I haven't seen anything this wrong since I found those ass-less lederhosen in my father's closet.

Neat Dresser, Hard Body, Immaculate Hair, Matronly Beard: Oh, Yeah, That Man Is Eat Up with "The Gay"

Senator Larry E. Craig said Tuesday that he regretted his guilty plea in connection with an airport restroom incident, and he accused an Idaho newspaper of hounding him in recent months.

“I am not gay; I never have been gay,” Mr. Craig, an Idaho Republican, said at a brief appearance outside the Wells Fargo Bank building downtown.

After walking slowly to the microphone, holding the hand of his "wife," Suzanne, Mr. Craig, 62, apologized for “the cloud placed over Idaho” by his arrest and guilty plea to a misdemeanor charge of disorderly conduct.

He would not answer reporters’ questions, and he offered no detailed explanation for the events that began with his arrest in June by an undercover police officer in a men’s restroom at Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport.

According to the police report, first obtained by Roll Call, the Capitol Hill newspaper that disclosed the episode and the guilty plea on Monday, the incident began with Mr. Craig’s peering into the undercover officer’s stall several times through the crack in the door.

Then, Mr. Craig reportedly entered the stall to the left of the undercover officer “and placed his roller bag against the front of the stall door,” a move the officer said was intended to block the view from the front of the stall.

When he was seated, Mr. Craig tapped his right foot in a signal used by people wishing to engage in lewd conduct, the report said.

After the officer moved his own foot up and down, the report said, Mr. Craig moved his right foot so that it touched the side of the officer’s left foot under the stall divider. Mr. Craig also reportedly swiped his left hand under the stall three times before the officer held his police identification down by the floor so Mr. Craig could see it.

“Biff Loman for the defense, your Honor.

“Clearly, this is a misunderstanding, which I can clear up with just a few minutes of your time.

“If it will please the Court, although I respect the arresting officer's experience and training, in this case, I have to question his conclusions.

“My client did peer into the officer's stall, but only to see if it were occupied. And he did put his luggage against the door. Not to signal that he was cruisin', as suggested, but to hold the door closed, as the latch was broken. Yes, he did tap his foot, but the reason for that is because he, a 62-year-old man, had had a successful bowel movement and he was giddy with accomplishment. Some men hum. Others say, ‘Ahh’ or ‘Thank God!’ My client gets happy feet. Finally, when he was reaching under the door, the only message he was trying to convey was that his stall was out of paper and that he needed to borrow a square.

“That's why he showed the officer his congressional card. When the officer showed his badge, he thought that meant the officer was out of paper, too, and was planning to use his badge as a consequence. My client was merely offering him something softer for next time.

All perfectly reasonable reactions to the context.

“What's that? Yes, my client is prepared to begin his sentence today? Why do you ask?”

It Will Be Your Duty as a US American (or Possibly a South African)

The next time someone tells you these are "scholarship" contests, hit them. Hard.

The Scary Thing is He Looks Like My Grandmother Did in the 20s.

Don’t try and act like you were with Tracy Morgan from the get-go. Sure, the dude had some funny Saturday Night Live skits, like Brian Fellow (“not an accredited zoologist… He is simply an enthusiastic young man with a sixth-grade education and an abiding love for all God’s creatures”), but Morgan wasn’t exactly Will Ferrell. You may have laughed at his wacko commercials for ESPN video games a few years back—especially that one where a cross-eyed Morgan confronted Ben Wallace in a dark stairwell and told him “the way I dunk on you is gonna look unorthodoxed”—but you surely didn’t watch The Tracy Morgan Show . . .

Then this year happened. . . . all of a sudden, everyone was talking about how funny Tracy Morgan is. It began with Morgan’s turn on 30 Rock, Tina Fey’s dry sitcom à clef about SNL, in which Morgan plays a paranoid comedian named Tracy…Jordan, who says things like “I love this corn bread so much I want to take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant.”

I'll confess. When he was on SNL, I didn't laugh once at his work. In fact, after a couple of his skits, I was noticeably sadder for watching. His stand-up was no better. Instead of doubling over in laughter, the two or three times I saw him perform, I felt uneasy, like I was watching a minstrel show, and that black-white relations were being set back with each joke that left his mouth. It's safe to say then, I have never tried to play the hipster who loved Tracy Morgan before loving Tracy was cool. Just the opposite, in fact. I hated him.

At times, I still do. But, today, I'm finding the funny.

Tracy: Let the games begin, baby!
Jimmy Kimmel: You were, um, . . . Tracy, you were. . .
Tracy: People say, "You spicy, Tracy." I'm spicy. I'm spicy.
Jimmy: You are spicy.
Tracy: I'm a freak.
Jimmy: And you are a freak.
Tracy Do you know yesterday I bought one of them leather masks the zipper right here and a zipper on the back. And I got one of them pink balls, gag balls. Somebody tonight is going to throw 2,000 grapes at my butt cheeks.

I think it's because I see him now as a fellow freaky traveler.

And, yes, I am soooo doing that grape thing -- except I'm going to have the grapes frozen first. All I need is a woman with a fruit fetish and decent throwing arm.

Holl'ar if you're interested.

Speaking of Bringing Sexy Back

When he flexes Russia's diplomatic and military muscle, President Vladimir Putin always makes headlines.

But few could have predicted the squall of gossip and speculation that would follow after Putin stripped off his shirt for the cameras while on holiday with Prince Albert II of Monaco in the Siberian mountains last week.

The resulting images of the presidential abs, prominently enshrined on the presidential Web site, inspired admiration, criticism and some racing pulses among his admirers.

The Russian media still can't get enough.

Meanwhile, Kremlin watchers have been busy trying to guess what kind of political message the pictures might send. Opinions vary, but most observers agree that "I'm here, I'm queer, I've got 9,000 nuclear weapons, so I'd lay off the gay jokes if I were you, asshole" is in the top 2.

For All the Fine Ladies in the House

Clearly, the song is YMCA, but try as they may, those back-up dancers can only spell S-E-X-Y.

Aww-yeah.

Judging by the Look on Her Face, It's True. Nothing Grows to Full Form in the Shade of a Gut

A Philadelphia man is facing charges of assaulting his mother, an elderly Philadelphia Common Pleas judge. And he may have brought additional accusations of indecent exposure on himself.

The alleged assault took place Tuesday afternoon at the judge's Lombard Street home. The incident came to light around 5pm that day, when a fire rescue crew took her to Jefferson Hospital for treatment of a cut above her eye that required four stitches.

The son, who lives nearby in the 2200 block of Pemberton Street in South Philadelphia, was taken into custody and charged with aggravated assault, simple assault, and reckless endangerment.

On Wednesday afternoon, when a WCAU-TV camera crew and female reporter visited Lawrence Richette's home, he opened the door in his bathrobe. Then he opened his bathrobe (top photo), and extended his streak of disappointed women by one more (see reporter's face in top photo).

Booooooooooobs

Julie Andrews hasn't been this frightening since she flashed her boobs in Victor/Victoria.

Because It's My Blog

After losing me by starring in a previous post, in which you tried to hide your various genocides (before you, we didn't know there was a plural form of that word), how do you win me back? By showing me your sex ring, of course, and promising me that you've learned your lesson: that lesson being, only I am allowed to belittle your genocidal actions.

I Was with You Right Up Until You Said "Nazi"

Several extras were injured when they fell out of a truck during the filming of "Valkyrie," which stars Tom Cruise as Germany's most famous anti-Hitler plotter.

The accident happened Sunday evening while scenes were being shot around the Finance Ministry in Berlin, which was once the Nazis' aviation ministry. . . .

"Valkyrie" stars Cruise as Col. Claus Graf Schenk von Stauffenberg, the aristocratic army officer executed after a failed attempt to assassinate Adolf Hitler in 1944.

The casting of Cruise has attracted controversy in Germany because the 45-year-old actor is an adherent of Scientology, which the German government considers a commercial enterprise that takes advantage of vulnerable people.

Some critics maintain that one of Scientology's members shouldn't be playing one of the Nazi era's few heroes.

So let me get this straight. A member of a religious sect that takes advantage of vulnerable people is unfit to portray a Nazi? That's the story you're going with?

What's that? Pay no attention to the 6 million Jews and 3-5 million other victims of Nazi extermination policies behind the curtain? You are the all-mighty, all-powerful critic, Oz?

Tell your story walking, Germany.

Nice try, though. I give you an A for effort.

This Labor Day, Fuck Jerry Lewis. This Year, Make Your Donation to Biff's Kids

Adult satellite network Paradise TV is poised to hold its annual charity telethon, promising to get physical with its philanthropy, according to Shukan Taishu.

For the weekend of Aug. 25 to Aug. 26 Paradise will donate its airspace to the "24 Hour Telethon Porn Can Save the World."

All proceeds of the telethon will be donated to the Japan Foundation for AIDS Prevention . . .

Among the features of the telethon will be "Oppai Bokin (Tit Collection)," where contributors to the charity fund are permitted to knead the breasts of an adult movie actress; and the Tekoki Jinja (Hand Job Shrine), where a cash handout will be returned with a hand out of an entirely different kind.

Normally, I wouldn't go anywhere near pornographic material, but if it's for charity, I'll try it this one time. For the children.

Because I'm a giver.

She Chose That Costume because It Was the Only One that Allowed Her to Show Off Her Tattoo. Don't Judge

Although it might not be a surprise to you that Manhattan Beach has the hottest volleyball tournament, we had only heard rumors of the infamous Six Man and didn't believe the unreal hype. . . .

But what we discovered to be even cooler was the crowning jewel of Surfest, the all-day, all-night Six Man vball tourney where you can see pros mixing it up with their bros, and you can also be amazed and amused at some of the most beautiful, uh, costumes this side of Halloween.

Why don't my friends (I'm looking at you, Reenee and LeeSee) tell me about these thing? Because they don't, instead of getting the truth about hot beach action, I'm left to pick it up in the street.

And if it's like everything thing else I've picked up that way, it's going to be greatly exaggerated and treatable with penicillin.

Actually, if I Said, "Suck Dick up until they hiccup," My Mother Would Shuffle Off This Mortal Coil, but not before Washing My Mouth Out with Soap

Alexyss: See, they got a lot of these old mens, wearing these Pampers — and y'all can take this as you want it . . .

Mom: Pampers?

Alexyss: . . . These old men, wearing these Depends/Pampers. . .

Mom: Oh, yeah, I've got a friend that a man went up on in a store with a box of 'em said, “How you wear these? How you put these on?”

Alexyss: And they wearing dem Pampers cause they asshole done fell out, the bottom done been knocked out, cause they done had so many damn huge, goddamn King Kong dicks up they ass, and can't control they bowels, and hold they damn bowels back. So you thinking because them men old and folk feeling sorry for them cause they old in the old folks home in them wheel chairs and they have to have all kinds of ass-hole operations. It's really because they had all them dicks. . .

Jealous?

Do you know what's scary? My mother and I use to be this close. We'd just chat and chat and chat, about anything and everything, for hours and hours. Wow. I really miss those chats.

*Sniff*

I'm going to call my mom.

Excuse me.

Due to Space Limitations, This Article Was Edited for Length*

An offbeat fucking-nuts South Carolina prison inmate has filed a handwritten lawsuit seeking $63 quintillion from Michael Vick. Experts in the field point to the handwritten nature of the lawsuit as evidence of his "fucking-nuttiness (apparently, a professional term in the psychiatric argot)."

They point to the $63,000,000,000,000,000,000 as Exhibit B to his fucking-nutty goodness.

The suit was filed in the U.S. District Court in Richmond on July 23.

Riches -- who has developed an Internet cult following for his propensity to file strange lawsuits naming multiple diverse defendants -- claims that Vick stole his pit bulls and sold them on eBay to "use the proceeds to purchase missiles from the Iran government."

If he wins the lawsuit, Riches says he wants the $63 quintillion delivered in gold and silver to the front gate of the Williamsburg Federal Correctional Facility in South Carolina (Exhibit C). . . .

In his previous lawsuits -- which have never actually made it to court -- Riches has sued politicians, entertainers, dead people, corporations and occasionally abstract concepts.

In one instance, Riches submitted a 57-page list of defendants that included President Bush, Pope Benedict, actor Tony Danza, Fruit of the Loom, NASCAR, the Ming Dynasty, Skittles candy, the Philadelphia Eagles (2005 roster), the Doobie Brothers, the Congolese Army, the Magna Carta, "WKRP in Cincinnati," the King's Dominion amusement park in Virginia, the philosopher Plato, and the Liberty Bell.

He claimed they collectively owed him money.

Dude, the first thing they teach you when you enter a graduate program in philosophy is -- and I'll quote -- "No matter what he says -- and he will say anything -- don't believe for a second you'll ever see the money you loan to Plato ever again. Sadly, that money is gone."

*Picture from TheSmokingGun.com

Yes, as a Matter of Fact, I Do Blog Naked. Like I'm the Only One

Finally a stool considering the manlihood.

Ah, relief, sweet, sweet relief is here at last.

Because if That Wasn't Your Hand He Was Shaking, Eew.

Somewhere, there's a little, pink ball of woman just waiting for a guy like your to bounce into her life, so you hang in there, Bouncing Rubber Ball Guy. Hang in there.

(And stay away from the kids, okay?)

Lucky for you, Gizmodo Copied the .mpg Files. So Today Must Feel like Christmas

Thank the Japanese for pushing humanity one step closer to sexbots: This almost-perfect, silicon-made Honey Doll is equipped with touch sensors that will make her moan with different sounds.

But chances are, if you're in the target demographic, i.e., you've never heard a real woman moan, you'll never hear the doll moan, either. So save your money.

Seriously, College Libraries and Computer Labs Should Have that Game Removed from their Computers

Tough Drill Sergeant: Why are you really here?
Grunt: I want to make this land safe.
Tough Drill Sergeant: WHY ARE YOU HERE, SOLDIER?
Grunt: I'm here because I'm bored.
Tough Drill Sergeant: Don't you ever forget that. . . .

Minesweeper: The Movie -- Because the Computer Cheats in Solitaire

If They're Out of Newports, Send KOOLs

“Sometimes, you know, sometimes, racism works out in black people's favor. It doesn't happen often. It happens rarely, but when it happens, it is fucking sweet. …

“Terrorists don't take black hostages. That's the truth.

“I have yet to see one of us on the news reading a hostage letter and shit:

‘Um, They is treatin' us good. Uh, we all chillin' and shit. I'd like to give a shout out to Ray-Ray and Big Steve.

‘Send some Newports.’

“You're not going to see it.

“Terrorists are smart. They know what they're doing, you know. They terrorists. They know us black people are bad bargaining chips.”

Unfortunately, we only get to play that Race card every twenty years or so.

And although I would trade it for equal opportunity and equal protection under the law, until that happens, I'll keep the Get Out of Terrorists' Custody card for that 1 in 20 years benefit. In other words, if I'm taken hostage, don't send Condi. Send Jesse.

"Is Your Spidey Sense Tingling, or Are You Just Happy to See Me?"

So, yesterday me and my friend Dane and I decided to head down to the old Packard car plant in down town Detroit for some nice shots of the decay. We get there and start to take some pixorz and everything is just fine for about 30 min. Then we hear a noise above us we look up and see what appears to be a band and their photographer taking pictures for some album art. They were all in combat boots and one had leather vest with no shirt on. Dane was like did you see the gay cowboy, and at that time I just passed it off and was like yeah what ever. Boy was I wrong. We continue taking pictures and move up a floor when all of the sudden Dane calls me over. I look at what he is looking at.

I'm like WTF the same people that were taking pictures earlier were dressed up like super heroes and taking pictures. I'm thinking this shit is getting weird but I guess if you want to costume-play super heroes on the top of the old Packard plant who am I to stop you. I continue taking pictures and move up to the roof. I look down and see something that I wish I had never saw. Spider Man on his knees about to blow Venom!

Oh, and you would defeat Venom how? Hitting him with your fist? Trapping him with your webs? Yeah, right. Like that would stop him.

Oh, Yeah, This Is Going to End Well

The decision this week by the British government to request the return of five Guantánamo detainees with British ties was welcome news for Bush administration officials eager to cut the detention center’s population.

But officials quickly suggested that several of the men might be too dangerous to be set free…

The episode illustrates why the administration has had such a difficult time reducing the detention center’s population. The effort has been hampered by a laundry list of diplomatic, legal and political challenges, including the unwillingness of some countries to accept detainees and concerns about human rights abuses in others, officials and critics of the administration say. …

The transfer of detainees to countries with poor human-rights records is one of the most contentious issues. The administration has said in court papers that it obtains diplomatic assurances that any country that receives former detainees would “treat the detainee humanely and in a manner consistent with its international obligations.”

But human rights groups have countered that there is no check on such promises and have worked to draw public attention to planned transfers to countries including Libya and Tunisia. …

In the recent case of a Tunisian detainee, Abdullah Bin Omar al Hajji, his lawyers sent a series of e-mail messages to government officials in May and June trying to stop a planned return to Tunisia, a court filing shows.

The lawyers told the officials he had apparently been convicted in absentia in Tunisia for affiliation with a nonviolent political party at a time when human rights monitors had said such trials were not fairly conducted. …

On June 15, one message shows, the lawyers demanded to see their client when they were to arrive at Guantánamo on June 17. But that day, he was shipped back to Tunisia. Not long after, according to an affidavit by his Tunisian lawyer, he was put in jail, where he was slapped and threatened with rape and told that his wife, too, would be raped.

The Tunisian government has denied that he was mistreated. Government officials admit al Hajji was slapped and threatened with rape and that he was told that his wife would be raped, too. But when asked to rectify their statements and their actions, Tunisian officials seemed genuinely baffled by the demand, asking only in reply, “Was that wrong?”

And Like That, Japan Is Back on Top

From Japan comes the F-Cup brand cookie containing nearly 50mg of that "miracle" breast enlarging herb Pueraria Mirifica. This product packaged in the form of a "cute" cookie gives me reason for pause.


What's this herb Pueraria Mirifica anyway?

It's a plant found in Thailand and SE Asia whose root contains phytoestrogens, plant derivatives that can mimic the effect of estrogen in the body. As with many herbal products, god knows how much of the product is actually in an individual cookie. Quality control for most such things is notoriously poor.


Will products like this make my breasts grow?

Possibly, as estrogen makes ductal tissue (the non fatty component of your breast) proliferate. Something like this would likely produce gynecomastia (man boobs) in males.

Are you a real doctor?
If by real doctor, you mean am I licensed to practice medicine and certified in the specialty of cosmetic surgery? No, I'm not. But those are just tools the Man uses to keep good, sound medical practices like F-Cup cookies out of the hands and small breasts of people, like you. I turned my back on that kind of oppression, and in so doing, I became licensed to serve the greater Good and certified by the People.

And 9 out of 10 8 out of 10 7 out of 10 6 out of 10 surviving patients, recommend me for to their friends who use back-alley medicine. I'm that good.

Don't Be Coy. You Know What that Is

For many women life, nowadays, is dominated by having fun, being yourself, and taking good care of you. A satisfied sex life is a very important part of this and the Celebrator offers you the possibility to enjoy this to the maximum!

By turning your toothbrush into a vibrator.

At first, I thought, are there really a ton of women out there who, while in the bathroom are ravaged by the desire to rub one out, feel retrieving their vibrators from another room would kill the mood? If there aren't, is there a market for this? No, there probably isn't.

Then, I realized there are probably a lot of women who have had a TSA representative pull their vibrators out of their carry-on luggage, because it looked suspicious on the X-Ray, or had one see a Rabbit in checked baggage and, confronted with the choice of purchasing one herself and lifting one for free, listened to the sound of opportunity buzzing, and lifted it, leaving our traveler in the lurch. Those women can probably appreciate a stealth device like this.

If you're one of those women, remember just because this is a toothbrush, too, doesn't mean it is any safer to use it to go ATM.

Would You Submit to a DRE from This Man?

Steve: Digestion problems: It doesn't just affect average Joes; it affects doctors, too — even Dr. Steve Brule.

You'll notice, wherever there's a red square is a day I've had diarrhea at some point in the day. So I began to eat cheddar cheese and egg sandwiches. Of course, I had no movements at all for Thursday or Friday — which was distressing in its own way.

And that's pretty much it, Jan, Wayne.

Jan: Well, Steve, I've got a question: Do scientists know why we get diarrhea?

Steve: As a doctor, I should be able to tell you what causes diarrhea; however, viewer, it is one of the greatest mysteries in the Scientific world.

This is wrong in so many ways.

Ah, the Classics

Chevy Chase: You're probably pretty ready for this job. We've got one more kind of psychological test we always do here. It's just a word association. I'll throw you out a few words. Anything that comes to mind, you kind of throw back to me. It's an arbitrary thing. If I say “dog,” you say, “…”

Richard Pryor: “Tree.”

Chevy Chase: “Dog?”

Richard Pryor: “Tree.”

Chevy Chase: “Fast?”

Richard Pryor: “Slow?”

Chevy Chase: “Rain?”

Richard Pryor: “Snow.”

Chevy Chase: “White?”

Richard Pryor: “Black.”

Chevy Chase: “Bean?”

Richard Pryor: “Pod.”

Chevy Chase: “Negro?”

Richard Pryor: “Whitey”

Chevy Chase: “Tar Baby?”

Richard Pryor: “Whud' you say?”

Chevy Chase: “Tar Baby?”

Richard Pryor: “Ofay.”

Chevy Chase: “Colored?”

Richard Pryor: “Redneck.”

Chevy Chase: “Jungle Bunny.”

Richard Pryor: “Peckerwood.”

Chevy Chase: “Burhead.”

Richard Pryor: “Cracker!”


Chevy Chase: “Spear Chucker.”

Richard Pryor: “White Trash!”


Chevy Chase: “Jungle bunny!”

Richard Pryor: “Honkey!”


Chevy Chase: “Spade!”

Richard Pryor: “Honkey-Honkey!”

Chevy Chase: “Nigger!”

Richard Pryor: “Dead Honkey!”

It just goes to prove, we don't have any comebacks for what the Man dishes out. “Honkey-Honkey?” Please.

“This Is an Affront to the Lord! Nooooo! Noooo! Ohhhhh! Oh, I See What You're Driving at.”

Lois: Meg, I still cannot believe what you and Doug did last night.

Meg: Mom, you don't understand. Doug and I are abstinent, but if we have sex in the ear, it doesn't count. We're still pure in the eyes of the Lord.

Lois: Meg, when I was your age, my parents tried to feed me the same nonsense about premarital sex. You're lying to yourself.

Meg: Well, I don't care what you think. Doug and I are part of the Opal Ring Crusade, and this is how we choose to express our love.

Lois: Meg, (a), ear sex is just unnatural, and, (b) — how do I say this? — vaginal intercourse is … It's just tops. It's the bees' knees, Meg. Aah, when you rattle it around just right … OH MY GOD! I mean, do you remember when we had that old car with the bad shocks, and I use to take the old, dirt road on purpose? Meg! Meg?

In high school, some of my Christian friends tried to convince me to join them in taking a stand against teenage promiscuity. I was almost as open-minded then as I am now, so, of course, I gave them a listen and told them I'd try anything once; but, when I asked if they made Abstinence Cock Rings, I think we all knew my time amongst the Pure was going to be short lived.

Oh, but what a time I had! You know that thing they say about girls saving themselves for marriage and oral sex? It's totally true.

* This post dedicated to Reenee and her stand against Abstinence-Only Programs. You go, girl!

France: Gold; Japan: Silver; Thailand: Bronze

Because, sometimes, the sex gets in the way of the intimacy, and, really, it's all about the intima—bwahahahaha!

Damn, I thought I was going to be able to get through it without cracking up. My bad.

Despite the Name, There's Actually Little Blowing Involved

Argentina's first lady and front-runner in the October presidential election rejected on Wednesday comparisons with U.S. presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton despite both women's hopes to follow their husbands into office.

Here she is demonstrating that she has more in common with Hillary's nemesis, Monica Lewinsky.

But, Seriously, What Is It That's So Damn Fascinating about "Sailor Moon?"

It's about Japan. Yes, they're still superior to us -- but now, they're in a flaunting mood.

By the way, dildos? They be scary.