"Thank You, Doctor. That Was Great, but I Still Have a Headache. And Thanks to You, Now, I Also Have a Need to Cuddle"

A Swedish doctor who was fired from his job in Norway for using a controversial 'anal massage' technique to cure various kinds of pain has resurfaced in Denmark where he has been working at a psychiatric ward in a Copenhagen hospital.

Danish authorities said they were not aware that they had been dealing with 'Doctor Anal', as he has been referred to in the Danish press. . . .

Several years ago, the man was warned by Sweden's Medical Responsibility Board (HSAN) on at least three occasions, after treating an elderly woman's headaches and back pain with his method. At the time he was working in the Stockholm area. . . .

HSAN examined the research literature which the doctor used to support his use of his anal massage technique, but found that his treatment contradicted "scientific, tried and tested experience".

The man said at the time that he considered himself misunderstood.

"I have a personality disorder, or rather a syndrome, a form of Aspergers. Just like Bill Gates or Einstein, for example," he told Aftonbladet.

"I have made it impossible for myself within the healthcare sector because I behave childishly sometimes. I am different, but cleverer."

I hate to point this out, but as you are on the business end of the anus, you are not the "cleverer" person in this relationship. No, since you're doing the massaging, you are more like the anus owner's bitch, which by definition means "not-cleverer." Sorry to disabuse you of your previous belief.

I Mean It, too, with All My Heart

Happy birthday, Scully! Best wishes for many more.

If you haven't tried the SomeEcards, you haven't fêted your occasions properly. Get off your ass.



You're going to want to send these. Seriously, they've got one for every occasion -- and then some.

It's Getting So Even Child Molesters Can't Be Trusted. What's the World Coming To?"

A federal prosecutor from Florida who authorities say flew to Michigan for a sexual encounter with a 5-year-old girl tried to hang himself in his jail cell Thursday but was stopped in time, the sheriff said.

John D.R. Atchison, 53, used a sheet in an attempted hanging around 4 a.m., said Sanilac County Sheriff Virgil Strickler.

The married father of three is an assistant U.S. attorney based in Pensacola, Fla., and president of a youth sports association in Gulf Breeze.

He was arrested Sunday and was initially placed on a suicide watch, but the watch was lifted at the request of the defense, after Atchison assured a U.S. magistrate Tuesday he wouldn't harm himself.

Atchison later assured the magistrate that if he were given a loaded pistol, he would only use it for hunting, sports shooting, and, maybe, depending on shower security, self defense. The magistrate stated that he would take his request under advisement, along with Atchison's previous requests for the return of his belt and laces and a filled prescription for sleeping pills, which Atchison assured the magistrate he would take only as prescribed.

The magistrate then ordered a chin-up bar installed to accommodate Atchison's desire to keep his upper body toned and ordered an extra-long, twin bed flat sheet, so that Atchison's feet wouldn't be cold at night.

When reached for comment on today's events, Magistrate Matlock issued the following statement: "Rut Row."

Arghh. It Be Burning when I Release the Rum

You are The Quartermaster

You, me hearty, are a man or woman of action! And what action it is! Gruesome,
awful, delightful action. You mete out punishment to friend and foe alike
– well, mostly to foe, because your burning inner rage isn’t
likely to draw you a whole lot of the former. Still, though you may be
what today is called “high maintenance” and in the past was
called “bat-shit crazy,” the crew likes to have you around
because in a pinch your maniacal combat prowess may be the only thing
that saves them from Jack Ketch. When not in a pinch, the rest of the
crew will goad you into berserker mode because it’s just kind of
fun to watch. So you provide a double service – doling out discipline
AND entertainment.

What's Yer Inner Pirate?
brought to you by The Official Talk Like A Pirate Web Site. Arrrrr!

Thanks to the wenches over at Hasta Los Gatos Quieren Zapatos for reminding me it was Talk Like a Pirate Day. And by "thanks," I mean, they get to whip me first.

Fair is fair.

There's a Disturbance in the Funky Force. It's as if a Nation Were Raping and Eating. . . Wait. Where's Japan?

A disgusting and twisted restaurant in the Tokyo entertainment district of Roppongi is enticing warped rich folk with the opportunity to figuratively have their cake and eat it, too -- with animals, according to Jitsuwa Knuckles (9/25).

Roppongi's bestiality restaurant is being regarded by its main nouveau riche patronage of young company presidents and venture capitalists as a decadent practice only possible among the wealthy. . . .

M says she visited the members-only restaurant about half a year ago after being invited there by one of her regulars, a well-heeled lawyer.

Membership in the restaurant is open only to those with an annual salary of at least 20 million yen, and a minimum cash flow of 100 million yen.

"After we got into the main restaurant, an employee escorted us down to the basement," M says. "The walls were pitch black and the floor covered in a blood red carpet, so I guess the place must be a refurbished S&M club."

Once the customer feels prepared, they will be presented with beast of their choice. In the lawyer's case, it was a sow.

"I'd been told what to expect, but when I actually saw what was happening, it was as shocking as you'd imagine it to be," M tells Jitsuwa Knuckles. "Later, the lawyer told me the appeal of the place just came about because when people have got money and done everything else, they turn toward bestiality."

Once the lawyer had finished porking the pig, the couple returned to the first floor and sat at a table to dine. M says she was totally shocked when staff members carried in roast pork -- made of the same sow the lawyer had earlier been with.

"I was about to vomit," M says. "It was the same pig that had been squealing just moments before. Now, it had been roasted whole. I managed to avoid eating it by only having salad."

"The lawyer told me the appeal of the place just came about because when people have got money and done everything else, they turn toward bestiality." Ah, now, I see it, the old "Money Leads to Ennui which Leads to Pig Fucking/Eating" gambit — genius! Well played, Japan. Well played.

“Grab Your Glocks when You See Your English Teacher … ”

In court documents, she's known as “Jane Doe.” Innocuous enough, but the woman behind that pseudonym pushes one of the nation's hottest political buttons: guns and school safety.

What Ms. Doe wants to do is take her Glock 9-mm pistol to the high school in Medford, Ore., where she teaches.

Jane Doe: “Continuing our lesson on the English Romantic poets, we're going to read a few representatives of the form today, and tonight, for homework, you're going to write your own poems based on the style of the Movement.

“And let me just say, if any of you bitch-asses is thinking about falling in here tomorrow without your homework, stop, because tomorrow, if I don't see a poem with your name on it, I'm passing out gun wounds like government cheese, youknowwhatI'msaying.

“What, Jimmy? Yeah, you can go to the bathroom.

“Bring me back a dime. And Jimmy, it better not be light.”

I Ask You: Is that the Face of a Robber, a Thug, a Conspirator? Murderer, Yeah, Sure. But Six Other Felonies Linked to Robbery? Come On

O.J. Simpson was arrested in September 2007 for the alleged armed robbery of a memorabilia dealer in a Las Vegas hotel room. Simpson, 60, was booked into the Clark County Detention Center, where this mug shot was taken. According to investigators, Simpson and several cohorts burst into a room at the Palace Station hotel and confiscated collectibles that Simpson claims were stolen from him (the items were being offered for sale by a dealer with whom Simpson has had prior business dealings). The former football star was charged with six felonies, including armed robbery, assault with a deadly weapon, and conspiracy.

How do you think they got him to make that face? I'm guessing the booking sergeant pinched his cheeks and coaxed it out of him:

"Who's a little double-murderer? Who's a little double-murderer? You are, aren't you? Yes, you are! Yes, you are! Do you have a smile for me? I bet you do. Come on. Come on. There it is. Oh, you are a snuggie bear. How's a perp like you still single?"

Or something like that.

And is it me, or is he starting to look like Bill Cosby?

Yeah, I'm thinking the same thing. I'd buy a pudding pop from him.

If She Were Any Good at Her Trade, the Family Would Be Eating at the Colonel's, Maybe Even Bojangles

If you're a busy woman like me, you don't have time for cravings.

At work, I use to tame my peri-peri cravings, with the Nando-Fix patch. It had its drawbacks, though.

But with new Nando-Fix gum, I can tame my cravings without taming my clients.

Believe it or not, the ad is for chicken.

If Some Misfortune Were to Befall Him and This Were the American South, No One Would Care. They'd Simply Say, "He Needed Killin'"

Last week, the kids at College Humor pulled off what we'd have to consider a prank of epic proportions; one guy put a fake marriage proposal on the big screen at Yankee Stadium as his friend, the object of the prank, sat agape with his girlfriend, who, amazingly, said "yes" before he had a chance to alert her to the joke. When we first watched it, it seemed too over-the-top to be real. But we've spoken with Amir Blumenfeld, the architect of the prank, and we now can merely salute him. (We think.) Watch the video, and then our interview with Amir is after the jump.

That's not a prank. That's an invitation to an ass-whuppin'.

That Man Is Now a CFO for a Major Softdrink Company

My freshman year in the dorm, there was a guy on the floor above me whose masturbatory and laundry habits left him with a flat sheet we referred to as the Shroud of Semen. I'm told that if you smoked pot before looking at the stain patterns, you would see your death. I wouldn't know about that. I do know that around mid-term it had developed the consistency of papadum, and crinkled so loudly when he crawled into bed at night that it made the baby jebus cry, which would wake his roommate.

True story.

I don't know why I thought of that.

I Saw His Last Movie. I Hope She Rides Him Bareback at an Unsafe Speed, so He Can Know What that Experience Was Like

Madge was spotted leaving London's Claridges Hotel yesterday carrying around the Purple Penetrator strap-on. Most likely this is being used on Guy Richie, but Madge should consider letting Guy use it on her. Bitch is uptight and needs a little loosening up. Maybe that will make her fun again. Yeah, probably not. Even the Tower of London being shoved up her ass couldn't loosen it up.

Poor Guy, but judging by the look on his face he knows what's coming next.

Poor Guy? The dude married Madonna. You marry Madonna, you've got to know that after the kids are asleep, you're playing more games of "Guess What This Is" than Bridge.

Actually, given the household, I'm guessing when the kids are awake, they are involved. Seriously, how many times do you think Guy's heard this conversation:

"You've got small hands. Lube up to your elbows and see if you can get the pepper grinder out of your dad's bum.

"Does that look like the pepper grinder to you? Go back in and don't pull out until you've got it.

"Nice try, but mommy needs the blue one."

That would explain why he's toting that bottle of scotch.

While we're on the subject, what do you think's in the box? I'm guessing it's an assortment of gags and balls and leather chewies for him to bite down on while the Purple Penetrator shows him the love, but I'm prepared to be wrong.

Top Things I Have Learned from Watching Porn

All women are pleasantly surprised to find a penis when they unzip a man's pants.

One of the top things I learned from The Crying Game is that straight men are surprised to find a penis when they unzip pants, as well.

"'Pleasantly surprised?' you say."

Well, no, I wouldn't say, "pleasantly surprised."

Larry Craig wasn't in that movie.

And Damn You, Tom Brokaw. Damn you to Hell.

From The Beaches Of Normandy To The Streets Of Paris, My Platoon Was A Bunch Of Pussies

You know, people like to throw the term "hero" around a lot when they talk about my generation. But I don't believe the men of the 202nd were heroes. No sir. The heroes were the ones who didn't stay curled up in their foxholes sucking their thumbs or jamming their fingers in their ears. The heroes were the ones who refused to pledge their complete and unwavering allegiance to Hitler the moment the enemy was in earshot. The heroes were the ones who didn't pretend to be dead for hours and sometimes days after a battle had been decided.

Those were the real heroes.

I don't know if it was fate or coincidence that brought us together, but I can say I served with 39 of the most craven, gutless pussies you ever laid eyes on. . .

So go ahead, waste your time reading about your Band of Brothers, your Boys of Company C, your 82nd Airborne Division, your "history." Me, I prefer to read about the way things never were. I prefer the The Squirrels of the 202nd.

Cower on men. Cower on, you members of the Greatest Pants Pissing generation. May you receive in death the 21-Depends Salute you never got in life.

History. Pbbft!

Just Another Case of 'The Man' Trying to Keep an Erection Down

You may have heard about Dennis Saunders, the California peeping Tom who is suing police in a bid to force them to return his large pornography stash, which was seized during a raid on his home in late-2001. Saunders, 59, was jailed in 2002 for secretly videotaping a woman and a 17-year-old girl in their respective bedrooms and bathrooms at an apartment complex. Saunders, who was released from prison last month, wants the San Rafael Police Department to return hundreds of videos and magazines, which are meticulously described in a 40-page evidence log prepared by investigators (Saunders claims the X-rated material has a "reasonable fair value of $25,000). On the following pages, you'll find excerpts from the police inventory, which provides a sampling of the material for which Saunders is fighting. Fresh out of the can, he wants a judge to reunite him with films like "Raw Sex Mardi Gras Vol #2," "Cum To Drink Of It," and most of the "Seattle Hairy Girls" oeuvre.

Well, du-uh: without Seattle Hairy Girls #8, Seattle Hairy Girls #1-7 make no sense. SHG #8 is where the secret behind the hair is revealed. (And they would have got away with not shaving, too, if it hadn't have been for those meddling kids and their pot-smoking dog. But I digress.)

But the real mystery is, Why won't the police return his porn? They've had enough time to recover it from the officers. Just Lysol the lot of it and turn it over, none the worse for wear.

Dude, though, seriously, "Clear Bag Containing Underwear Labeled 'Jade'?" Do you want those back? Seriously?

Said a Boeing Executive, "We Could Use a Few Lim See Tongs on This Side of the Ocean"

Officials at Nepal's state-run airline have sacrificed two goats to appease Akash Bhairab, the Hindu sky god, following technical problems with one of its Boeing 757 aircraft, the carrier said Tuesday.

Nepal Airlines, which has two Boeing aircraft, has had to suspend some services in recent weeks due the problem.

The goats were sacrificed in front of the troublesome aircraft Sunday at Nepal's only international airport in Kathmandu in accordance with Hindu traditions, an official said.

Then, in accordance with managerial training, designed to inspire excellence within a workforce, Chief Engineer Lim "Scotty" See Tong, retrieved the carcasses and thrashed his electrical systems staff into a higher standard of performance with the sanctified goat remains.

"The snag in the plane has now been fixed and the aircraft has resumed its flights," said Raju K.C., a senior airline official. Akash Bhairab is obviously pleased."

Thanks Mai for the Meme

Four Jobs I’ve Had:

1. Camp Counselor
2. Fruit-Fly Wrangler (Laboratory Assistant)
3. Ice Cream Truck Driver
4. Assistant Director of Undergraduate Admissions

Four Movies I’ve Watched Over and Over:

1. Mr. Roberts
2. Miller's Crossing
3. True Grit
4. Joe versus the Volcano

Four Places I Have Lived In:

1. Fayetteville
2. Chapel Hill
3. Winston-Salem
4. Seattle

Four TV Shows I Like to Watch:

1. Boston Legal (Loves me some Shatner)
2. Deadwood
3. Sealab 2010
4. Rome

Four Places I Have Been on Vacation:

1. Nashville
2. Boston
3. San Francisco
4. New Orleans

Four of my Favorite Foods:

1. Coffee (fuck you, it's a food)
2. NC Barbecue
3. Soft-Shelled Crab
4. a Perfectly Ripe Peach

Four Places I Would Rather be Right Now:

1. Anywhere
2. Any place
3. It doesn't matter
4. Let's go

(Because no matter where I am, I always want to be somewhere else. I'm the restless sort.)

It's Stories Like This that Remind Us, Regardless of Race or Nationality, We Are Bound Together, like Pages in a Pornographic Magazine.

The Vietnam War-era slogan "Make love, not war" has been taken to its logical extreme by an Israeli pornographic website, which is engaged in a sort of cultural exchange of bodily fluids with the Arab world.

According to a recent report in Daily Variety, when executives at Ratuv installed software that could track where their users were logging in, they found that the site was getting thousands of hits a week from such countries as Syria, Saudi Arabia, Iran and Iraq, even though some of these governments block the ".il" domain address on Israeli websites. So Ratuv responded by translating the entire site into Arabic, and traffic quickly skyrocketed. . . .

The next step, says Ratuv's manager, is to make movies with Israelis and Arabs performing together, in order to foster more intimate relations between the two peoples.

Ah, Porn, is there nothing you can't do?

Viva la France!

H&M - 11-2006
Uploaded by adictmag

Hmm, a hot, mid-40s French woman, sitting around reading in her unmentionables. Wow. I am so turned on right now.