I Can See What He Means: that Cat is Pretty Sexy (or a Sure Sign I've Been in the State of Washington Too Long)

Hi, I'm Dr. Ricky LeMayne, and for years, I've struggled with having erections at the wrong time. I'd be at the gym, and I'd see a fat girl on LifeCycle, or I'd be watching two cheetahs doing it at the zoo, or I'd just be at the grocery store watching grown women shop for cucumbers.

There's a billion drugs out there that can help you get it up, but only one that can help you keep your stuff down—Suppressex. I created Suppressex after I was at a Super Bowl party and that commercial came on with the real sexy M&M, you know, the green one with the legs. (Come on. You know she got it going on.)

Here take a look at this chart:




In just 10 minutes, Suppressex can take your sexual arousal from Red High Heels to Crocs to those prescription shoes for people with different sized legs.…

I don't know how Supppressex works. It has some freaky nun juice in it or something. I just know that when I take one, I don't have to worry about getting into a crowded elevator while wearing sweat pants.

It's perfect for Church, Public Pools, Yoga Class, Laying Face-Down on Waterslides, Watching Old Ladies Suck on Grapes, and Standing.

Uh oh, that cat isn't wearing any pants. [Pops a Suppressex.] Whew! Thanks, Suppressex.


My love-hate relationship with Tracy Morgan continues.

I Pop a Chubby Everytime I Hear the Name…

Denny Crane

The Boston Legal: Fifth Season DVD went on sale Tuesday. I could hardly contain myself.

Because of the weird hours I work, I got rid of my cable television subscription and became a DVD-only televsion viewer. It can be a pain at times — like when I'm trying to remain ignorant about the current plot of shows, like Battlestar Galactica — but for the most part, it's actually a better way to watch television: no commercials, no cliffhangers.

But this has been killing me, one, because I love the show and, two, because it's the final season. Actually, I like any law show (you know, I went to Perry Mason Law School and am licensed to practice law on television), but over the last four seasons, this one has boldly gone where no law show has gone before, and I'm going to miss it, especially the main characters, Allan Shore and Denny Crane.

Whoops. There I go.

Sorry, Honey, He's Just Not That Into You

First lady, Michelle Obama, visited an elementary class for a Cinco de Mayo celebration, and discovered that not all children are huggers.

When asked later about his apparent chilliness, the child, whose name we are withholding because of his age, said that he was just trying to keep their relationship on the down low. “You know,“ he said, “there are children involved.”

Happy Belated “All Up Under the Covers” Day

Motherlover

Together: Hold Up!

Adam: You thinking what I'm thinking.

Justin: I'm thinking I think it, too.

Together: Slow Up!

Adam: What time is it, dawg?

Justin: It's time for a switcheroo.

Together: We both love our moms, women with grown women needs.
I say we break 'em off, show 'em how much they really mean 'cause…

I'm a motherlover, you're a motherlover
We should f—k each other's mother.

Fuck each other's mommmmmmm.

I'll be pushing that place where you came out as a baby.
Ain't no doubt this s—t is crazy.

Cause every Mother's Day needs a Mother's Night.
If doing it is wrong, I don't want to be right.…

Adam: I'll be laying on the couch, waiting on your mom with this lube and roses.
Justin: I've got my digital camera. I'm going to make your momma do a million poses.


Patricia Clarkson and Susan Saradon: Can I be a motherlover, too?

The VP Rocks Out with His Cock Out. Or One More Example of Why America Is Better under the Obama Administration

Taking advantage of the warm spring weather Monday, Vice President Joe Biden parked his 1981 Trans Am in the White House driveway, removed his undershirt, and spent a leisurely afternoon washing the muscle car and drinking beer.…

White House aides said that Biden pulled into the driveway shortly before noon, the chorus of Night Ranger's “(You Can Still) Rock In America” blaring from his car's stereo. According to witnesses, Biden spent several minutes maneuvering the Trans Am into the perfect spot, and was observed drumming his fingers on the steering wheel until the song came to a close.

The shirtless 66-year-old then entered the executive residence and greeted employees with a round of high fives and a variety of nicknames.

“Hey, hot stuff, looking good,” Biden told a passing aide. “Would you know where I could get a little bucket and sponge action? My mean machine needs to be cleaned.” …

Biden, who purchased the white Pontiac in 1983, has made an annual tradition of taking time off each spring to wash and tune-up his vehicle. In 2008 alone, the veteran politician reportedly missed two dozen Senate sessions in order to spend some quality time “taking care of [his] baby.”

“He does this every year and it really seems to rejuvenate him,” Sen. Christopher Dodd (D-CT) said. “Back in 2001, the car was up on blocks in the National Mall, and he was so busy rotating those tires that he bailed on the confirmation hearings for secretary of state.”

“What're you gonna do, though?” Dodd added. “That car rocks.”


I was going to offer something as a rebuttal here, but it's really hard to come back against that. That car does rock.

Speaking of rocking, is it me, or does “My mean machine needs to be cleaned” not have great potential as a pick-up line. Seriously, under the right circumstances, I think it could yield greater rewards than “Well? It ain't gonna' suck itself.”

“Exactly, what circumstances would be right?” you ask. To that I can only reply “If I knew that, do you really think I'd be blogging right now?”

Smart ass.

Six Deadly Sins and One Sin that You Can Just Refer to as “The Burning”

Geographers from Kansas State University have used certain statistical measurements to quantify Nevada’s sins and come up with a county-by-county map purporting to show various degrees of lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy and pride in the Silver State. By culling statistics from nationwide databanks of things like sexually transmitted disease infection rates (lust) or killings per capita (wrath), the researchers came up with a sin index. This is a precision party trick — rigorous mapping of ridiculous data.

Their findings were presented Tuesday at the Association of American Geographers’ annual meeting at the Riviera, where Kansas State geography research associate Thomas Vought fielded questions while standing next to a poster of his research.…

While Vought and his colleagues spent four weeks on the detailed Nevada study, they also ran the numbers on some 3,000 counties across the country, a nationwide survey of sin.

Turns out Nevada is unremarkable when compared with other states.


My home state of North Carolina is an irritated chancre of red on the national map of lust. It's no wonder. When you define Lust as “the number of sexually transmitted diseases — HIV, AIDS, syphilis, chlamydia and gonorrhea — reported per capita” and include Fayetteville, NC in your results, you're going to get that result, by which I mean you're going to get an iridescent tattoo of the Good Old North State burned into your retinas.

I can't believe I have to explain that.