Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Y.P.R.: Some Ground Rules I Gave 50 Cent and G-Unit before They Played My Daughter's Bat Mitzvah

  1. At no point should the bat mitzvah girl be addressed as a “bitch”, “ho”, etc., even if it fits in iambic pentameter.
  2. No creeping up on any baby mamas, or any other invited guest.
  3. ...

Well, that explains why they didn't hire Snoop.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Vaseline Included


Digital Rectal Examination Simulator

Digital Rectal Examination is designed for training in male and female rectal palpation. Four interchangeable rectal units are included. Trainee can also palpate normal prostate or endocervix.


For a little extra, you can purchase one that clinches and squirms and fights you for every rectal inch of examined bowel. It's not listed on the Web page, but if you're interested, when you order, ask for the "Loman."

Operators are standing by.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

We Lost to the Russians

Almost 40% of 15-year-olds admitted to drinking spirits each week, compared with 1% in Russia and 7% in America....

Dr Holger Schmid, the author of the report and one of the world's leading authorities on drink and drug abuse, has called for tough restrictions of alcohol advertising which he claims glamorises drinking among the young.

He told the Sunday Times: 'These figures are very serious and send a clear message that action is needed to address this problem
.'


The only clear message here is that when it comes to lying about their drinking, Scottish teens are the absolute worst.

Just Think of the Time He Would've Got if the BB Gun Had Been Loaded

A car passenger involved in the armed robbery of a Tyler convenience store was sentenced Friday to 25 years in prison.

Oliver D. Runnels, 18, was convicted of aggravated robbery by a Smith County jury Thursday after about five minutes of deliberation. He was sentenced Friday after about one hour of deliberation in 241st District Judge Jack Skeen Jr.'s court.

Kelvin Eric Patterson Jr., who was driving the car, and Runnels remained in the vehicle while Henry T. Maddox robbed the Food Fast, 1222 WSW Loop 323, with a BB gun on Aug. 5
.


Lesson Learned 1: Don't do the crime if you can't do the time.

Lesson Learned 2: When committing a crime in a "law and order" state, use a real gun and kill everyone you see. If you're going to get 25 years, you should get your time's worth. And you should have a better story to tell than "I wrote a note, and I sat in the car while another guy robbed the store."

I'm Getting, Either, the Heart or the Eight Ball

After centuries of lying dormant we at MERKINWORLD have reinvented for your pleasure the idea of the humble MERKIN - or as it is more commonly known the pubic wig.


Obviously, these people have no idea of what "my pleasure" is.

Okay, they do, but don't let that get around. I still have a living mother, and I'd like to keep it that way.

Friday, January 27, 2006

If Pandas Were Native to the New York Region (and Could, You Know, Talk)


"Hey! Your Highness! I'm trying to fuckin' eat here, all right? Piss off!
"Fuck me? No, pal, fuck you!"

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Reason 2369 Why I'm Unfit for the Clergy

He Wouldn't Be Able to Do That if He Had to Hold Down a 9-5

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

The Graduate School's Endowment? I've Been Waiting to Get My Hands on That Money

The latest thump on the controversial best-seller 'A Million Little Pieces' is a Seattle federal court lawsuit seeking damages on behalf of consumers for the 'lost time' they spent reading the book.


Normally, I don't go for these kinds of litigious shenanigans, but... I wasted a lot of time reading a lot of poorly researched books of questionable merit in grad school.

If they win here, The Law Guy is going to put me on Easy Street.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Or Offer "Officer, if I Could Walk, I Wouldn't Need the Car, Now, Would I?" Sometimes, Pity Is Your Only Defense against the Long Arm of Law

A Salt Lake City man with several driving under the influence charges on his record was arrested again for the same thing....

Court documents say when the officer approached the car, he could smell alcohol. Police then asked him to take a field sobriety test, but he refused, saying he'll just fall down
.


Next time (and, sadly, there'll be a next time, you and I, both, know it), invoke the "reasonable accomodations" clause of the federal Americans with Disabilities Act. Demand a written exam.

The Sheep Are Known To Be Particularly Stealthy

Fur-lined underwear has been banned in Uzbekistan after authorities deemed it too sexy.

...the government has now banned the lingerie saying they want to protect citizens from 'unbridled fantasies' caused by wearing the soft fabric.


Uzbekistan: Where the men like fur against their nethers, and the animals try not to draw attention to themselves.

I Don't Know about You, but, Me, I'm Hoping Juvie Is like Oz, but More Violent and Sodomize-y for the Doughy

Eat More Chik'un

Monday, January 23, 2006

It. Is. Alive! Alive, I Tell You!

So I emptied the bags onto my kitchen table, and here, listed chronologically and with commentary, is what I discovered:

1. Imported Non-Pareil Capers, circa 1998/’99, which were left behind by these two French girls who lived in this apartment from 1998 until I took over the place in September of 1999.

2. Grey Poupon Mustard, ca. 1998/’99. (French girls.)

3. Baby Sour Gherkins, ca. 1998/’99, with an expiration date reading: “Enjoy by 4/28/01.” (French girls.)

I went to the bathroom and threw some water on my face—that Red-Eye really had my nerves on edge.4. Roland Silverskin Anchovies, ca. 1998/99. This bottle of anchovies, I have to say, was rather unnerving. To think that those anchovies had once been alive, probably in about 1997, was a bit much, and the liquid they were encased in had the filmy complexion of formaldehyde. (French girls.)

5. Bainbridge Blackberry Jelly, ca. 2002, given to me in Memphis, Tenn., as part of my press packet when I was there covering, as a journalist, the Mike Tyson/Lennox Lewis fight.

6. Bainbridge Crisp Sweet Pickles, ca. 2002. (Press packet.)

7. Westbrae Natural Stoneground Mustard, expiration date 1/25/04, therefore probably purchased in 2002 or 2003.

"8. Zinc throat spray, ca. 2003. I had the flu that year.

9. Echinacea, ca. 2003. (Same flu.)

10. Crazy Richard’s Chunky Peanut Butter, ca. 2003.

11. Muir Glen tomato sauce, expiration date: June 2004.

12. Tofu steak, ca. 2004. This was brought over by an ex-girlfriend and then never eaten and then never thrown away for sentimental reasons.


I've got a tofu steak in my refrigerator that I've been keeping for sentimental reasons, as well.

The sentiment? "Fuck it. If I just move this carton of butter in front of it, I won't have to look at it and be shamed into action by its putrifying state. This way, I can put it out of my mind until I have to throw away the butter."

Welcome to Biff Country. It's funky here.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Invade Iraq: The Role Playing Game

Iraqi Invasion: A Text Misadventure
Revision 88 / Serial number 54892

Oval Office
You are standing inside a White House, having just been elected to the presidency of the United States. You knew Scalia would pull through for you.

There is a large desk here, along with a few chairs and couches. The presidential seal is in the middle of the room and there is a full-length mirror upon the wall.

What do you want to do now?

> INVADE IRAQ
You are not able to do that, yet.

> LOOK MIRROR
Self-reflection is not your strong suit.

> PET SEAL
It's not that kind of seal.

> EXAMINE CHAIRS
They are two several chairs arranged around the center of the room, along with two couches. Under one couch you find Clinton's shoes.

> FILL SHOES
You are unable to fill Clinton's shoes.

> EXAMINE DESK
It is a large, oak desk, with several drawers.

In one drawer you find a bag of pretzels.

> EAT PRETZEL.
I don't think the pretzel would agree with you.

> INVADE IRAQ
You are not able to do that, yet.

> INVADE IRAQ
You are not able to do that, yet
.

It gets better or worse depending on your point of view.

It's on My Mind because I'm Seeing It This Weekend. Pray for Me

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Posting from a Fairly Comfortable Seattle Armchair

I hope this letter finds you strong in the faith. I also hope that circumstances will soon make it possible for me to meet each of you, not as an integrationist or a civil-rights leader but as a fellow clergyman and a Christian brother. Let us all hope that the dark clouds of racial prejudice will soon pass away and the deep fog of misunderstanding will be lifted from our fear-drenched communities, and in some not too distant tomorrow the radiant stars of love and brotherhood will shine over our great nation with all their scintillating beauty.

Yours for the cause of Peace and Brotherhood, Martin Luther King, Jr.


Still not there; actually, we're not even working on it anymore. Sorry.

And I Thought I Had It Bad

Fuk King Kwok was waiting for his driver's license to be printed when his name was called and a chuckling Illinois secretary of state employee offered some advice.

'She [said] this is a dangerous name,' the Chinese immigrant recalled. 'She [said] the name translated is not so good, maybe I should change [it]. The word I hear is not so good.'

...Last month in Cook County Circuit Court -- three years after that clerk offered the advice -- Fuk King Kwok changed his name.

He's now Andy Kwok.


Are you fucking kidding me?! He kept the "Kwok"?!

Friday, January 13, 2006

"Run, Forrest (Biff)! Run!"

INTIMATION STRATEGIES TO BE AVOIDED IN A STREET FIGHT

1. Making Threats that Incorporate Literary References

2. Brandishing Inappropriate Accessories

3. Being Overly Honest

4. Touting Dubious Talents

“You really want to start with me? I’ve been second runner up Dungeon Master of the Year, three years in a row.”

If you want to take your chances with someone who knows all the words to the The Smiths’ “Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now,” go right ahead.”


I'd like to add, "You want to throw hands with the guy who fought Cynthia Adams to a draw in the Fifth Grade and has gone unchallenged since? Go ahead. Make a move, Bee-otch."

Believe it or not, I'm still untried and undefeated.

It's All Fun and Games until Someone Loses an Eye [Insert Law & Order Sound Here]

Your Honor, Biff Loman for the defendant.

Your Honor, the defense stipulates that my client did, indeed, throw the dildo at the victim and that she did suffer injuries as a result of the throw. What we disagree with is the State's conclusion on why he threw the device.

Whereas the State argues that the victim's blurred vision, bleeding, and consequent stitches are evidence of my client's abusive nature and actions, we contend the blurred vision, bleeding, and stitches are evidence of a consensual sex act and my client's poor aim.

Yes, Your Honor, that is the best we could come up with.

Yes, Your Honor, my client is prepared to go to jail today.

Your Honor, would now be a good time to throw ourselves on the mercy of the court?

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Why Does It Have to be a "Black Book"? Huh? Why Do You Always Have to Bring Color into Areas Where It Doesn't Belong? Some People

Former police Chief David Wray misled city leaders when he covered up the actions of a “secret police” unit that targeted black officers for unfair internal investigation, Greensboro officials said.

Part of the cover-up included the hiding of a “black book” that contained photos of at least 19 African American officers, officials said late Tuesday. The book was eventually recovered by investigators probing allegations of misconduct within the Greensboro Police Department.

And a black lieutenant whose claims of racism triggered seven months of controversy in the department returns to work today , his record cleared of unfounded criminal charges.

City Manager Mitchell Johnson disclosed during a news conference partial findings of an internal probe into actions Wray and the Greensboro police Special Intelligence Section took. He did so after a unanimous vote by the City Council to make the information public.

Johnson described the “black book” as a police lineup used by Special Intelligence, but he provided few details about its exact use by the five-officer squad.

The activities of this unit and its continued pursuit of unproven, previously investigated and unsubstantiated charges against certain African American officers created an atmosphere of fear, distrust and suspicion, which undermined the department’s morale and efficiency,” he said.


Ya' think?

I mean, on behalf of black people everywhere, please accept this apology. We're sorry to be so sensitive about minor stuff like this.

I'd go into why it is we're like this, but, frankly, it's a black thang; you wouldn't understand.

I See Someone Got a Letter from the Law Offices of Dick, Prick, Johnson, & Knob

We are litigation counsel to James Frey, author of the book A Million Pieces," about whom you intend to publish a story on the www.thesmokinggun.com website (the "Story"). Be advised that to the extent that the Story falsely states or implies that my client is a liar and/or that he fabricated or falsified his background as reflected in A Million Little Pieces, such conduct will expose you and all involved in the creation and publication of the Story to substantial liability. We strongly caution you to refrain from publication of any such Story.

As you are undoubtedly aware, my client has lucrative book and movie deals in place, as well as having an expectation of prospective economic benefits. It is certainly foreseeable that your publication of a false Story about Mr. Frey -- particularly one falsely attacking his credibility -- would imperil both his existing and anticipated economic benefits, resulting in substantial damages to my client....

We are well aware that Smoking Gun frequently elects to snidely disregard the content of letters from our firm, instead posting them on the website notwithstanding their designation as confidential legal communications and notwithstanding the legal arguments set forth in the correspondence. We request that in this instance, rather than having this typical knee-jerk response, that you consider the content of this letter with the sincerity with which it is being sent...

If you fail to do so, and instead maliciously disregard this legal notice, you proceed at your peril.


You're not going to believe where I found this....

"Without Good Rectal Health, You Have Nothing" -- Kevin Smith

Once in the examination room, I was joined by the doc, who was much younger than I’d imagined he would be. I told him about my symptoms, and he told me to drop trou and get up on the table, laying on my side, in that colonic position I’d come to know over the last few years. Prepared for a probing finger or camera tool of some sort to intrude upon the soleace (or sole-ass) of my rear end, I was shocked when he merely opened my ass cheeks a bit, let ‘em close again, then stood up and said “Alright, we’re done.”

...“In a few weeks,” he said. “You’ll feel 50% better.”

I was quietly outraged.... 50% better in a few weeks?! I don’t wanna hear about anything less than 100% better in a few hours, if not “After I tap you with this magic wand, your asshole will not only be instantly healed, but from now on, it’ll periodically release a pleasant scent that’s a natural aphrodisiac.”


If we ever met, I believe I would have to call him "Brother."

Monday, January 09, 2006

Till Now, I Thought All Anal Was Extreme. Talk about Provincial

"Alcohol, the Cause and Solution to All of Our Problems" -- Homer J. Simpson

NICKY Taylor, 39, is stumbling around a nightclub dance floor in the early hours of the morning, clutching a bottle of Smirnoff Ice.

In five hours, she has drunk equal to four bottles of wine in a potentially fatal mix of cocktails, spirits and beers.

She is drunk. She has vomited once, but Nicky carries on, determined to keep up with her female companions.

This ugly scene is not a typical night for Nicky. In an experiment for a British TV documentary, the single mother spent a month matching the bingers drink-for-drink to see what it did to her body and mind.

Over 30 days, going out five nights a week, Nicky consumed a staggering 516 units of alcohol -- 17.2 units a day. ...

One unit is 8g of alcohol, or a small glass (125ml) of wine, half a pint (284ml) of beer or a pub measure of spirits. ...

"What I discovered shocked me to the core," says Nicky, who was monitored by medical experts during the experiment.

She was chosen because her bosses wanted a responsible woman in her 30s. She went into it with gusto, but emerged depressed and exhausted. Her home and professional lives were suffering and she developed an increased risk of liver problems and alcoholism.

Her body fat increased from 37.4 per cent to 38.9 per cent, she put on more than 3kg, and her skin became so damaged she had the complexion of a 50-year-old.


If you need a mental picture.... Do you remember the Menagerie episode of Star Trek, with the wheel-chaired Cpt. Pike? (Don't lie. You do, too, ya' nerd.) The crash victim? the one the aliens reconstructed without any idea what a human -- never mind a hottie -- looked like? Yeah, that one. That's what her after-picture looks like. (For the non-nerds among you, there's a picture in the lower right-hand corner.)

In that Star Trek episode, the aliens used mind control to make the men see the crash victim as gorgeous, to find her a mate. Sadly -- and I say this to my shame -- a couple of pints would've had the same effect on me.

So Nicky, if you don't want to wait until your weight drops and your skin regains its elasticity to feel attractive, give me a call. We'll can go out for drinks.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

This was 1957, 1958: It Was Different Time, You Understand. In 1957, if You Were Black and You Were an Astronaut, You Were Out of Work

Negroes Land on Moon


Talk about getting lost! Wallace Jefferson and Louis Hayes, both negroes, have wandered all the way the moon!

The hapless pair entered lunar orbit late yesterday afternoon and finally landed on the surface of the moon several hours later. They plan to return later this week.

The incident is not a total tragedy. "We may want to talk with these negroes," said NASA mission commander Deke Slayton.

"Their mishap may just help us in our goal to land a man on the moon by the end of the decade."


The best spoof of a documentary since Spinal Tap.

Amazon.com: Plus Size Economy Nun Costume: Apparel



As a Christian I love Jesus, obviously, and those of you who know me will be aware of my dream: to be a nun. Nuns get to be married to Jesus and oh the perks, but I digress. Sadly that dream is unattainable because I am a man. This costume goes some way to making my dream a reality - a couple of times a week when my wife is out - there's nothing weird about it it's just a bit of fun."


Wow, somebody is going to hell, and it isn't me this time. If only he'd stopped at the Nun costume...

He didn't. (Thanks, Screenhead)

It's Like Christmas in January

Welcome to the Official French Maid TV website. Here you can find information about each French Maid, watch the French Maid TV episodes as they become available, check out other podcasting sites, and buy some awesome French Maid TV gear. Have a look around and see if anything excites you.


Wow, dreams do come true.

Um, I'm going to need a little me time, here. Excuse me.

Warrants?! Ha, Ha, Ha! We Don't Need No Stinkin' Warrants! (A Little Antsy, Part I)

The Supreme Court agreed on Friday to try to define, more precisely than in the past, the emergencies that can justify a warrantless police entry into a private home.

The case is an appeal filed by the State of Utah from a Utah Supreme Court decision early last year that four Brigham City police officers violated the Fourth Amendment's prohibition against unreasonable search and seizure by entering a home to break up a fight.

The police, who went to the home in response to a neighbor's complaint about a loud party, did not have a warrant and did not announce their presence before walking through an open back door....

Supreme Court precedents have established numerous exceptions to the Fourth Amendment's warrant requirement. Two are at issue in this case, Brigham City v. Stuart, No. 05-502. One is an exception for 'exigent circumstances,' in which split-second judgments must be made by the police to prevent, for example, the destruction of evidence. The other is an "emergency aid" exception, in which the police are permitted to act immediately to prevent injury or to assist an injured person.

The Utah courts held that the circumstances of this case did not justify invoking either of the exceptions....

In the state's appeal, Utah's attorney general, Mark L. Shurtleff, is arguing that the "subjective motivations of police officers" are irrelevant as long as the entry was "objectively reasonable."


For those of you who don't speak Violatian, I'll translate: "Your Honors, the state of Utah is not going to insult the collective intelligence of the Court by saying the officers entered the house legally, because, clearly, they didn't. No, what the state of Utah is going to insult is the Court's collective body of Fourth Amendment case law, arguing, instead, that there is a third exemption to the Fourth Amendment's warrant requirement, one that says the police can enter any private domicile without a warrant as long as they can create a reasonable and Constitutionally valid justification for doing so after the fact.

The key to winning this type of argument is saying it all with a straight face.

A Little Antsy, Part II

“I had no idea (Homeland Security) would open personal letters,” Goodman told MSNBC.com in a phone interview. “That’s why I alerted the media. I thought it should be known publicly that this is going on,” he said....

“I was shocked and there was a certain degree of disbelief in the beginning,” Goodman said when he noticed the letter had been tampered with, adding that he felt his privacy had been invaded....

The letter comes from a retired Filipino history professor.... And although the Philippines is on the U.S. government’s radar screen as a potential spawning ground for Muslim-related terrorism, Goodman said his friend is a devout Catholic and not given to supporting such causes.

A spokesman for the Customs and Border Protection division said he couldn’t speak directly to Goodman’s case but acknowledged that the agency can, will and does open mail coming to U.S. citizens that originates from a foreign country whenever it’s deemed necessary.


I had Thai yesterday, prepared by a staff whose naturalization status I can't vouch for. I hope that doesn't draw attention, that there isn't a law or memorandum that gives the Department of Homeland Security the authority to climb into my colon to check my dinner for suspicious content.

If there is and they want to investigate me, they'd better hurry. If I know my four-alarm red curries -- and I do -- the evidence isn't going to be in stow for long.

I also hope the bring a variety of tapes. Green is soooooo not a good color for my anus.

The Cellblock Cafe - Inmate Recipes from across the Country!

In 1986, upon my arrival at the county jail, my cooking lessons began. There, I witnessed men using empty toothpaste tubes as spoons, and burning toilet paper to heat up coffee or reheat the food served. I was amazed the first time I saw a man using a metal dinner plate as a skillet to prepare grilled baloney and cheese sandwiches or using a radio antenna to broil hot dogs for an evening snack.

Eventually, I learned these 'tricks of the trade,' and added my own creations, such as shredded fried roast beef with ketchup and mustard or fried mashed potatoes in butter. Within a few months, I was nicknamed, 'Chef-Boy-Ar-Dee.' I soon realized that creating and sharing a tasty, nourishing meal was one of the few enjoyments prison life offered. Surprisingly, I began to experience another kind of nourishment, one of the soul.


No, that's not Martha Stewart writing, but I'm guessing if she were to invite him onto her show to make Frito Chili Pie together, it would be a ratings bonanza.

Hugh Thompson, 62, Who Saved Civilians at My Lai, Dies

Hugh Thompson, an Army helicopter pilot who rescued Vietnamese civilians during the My Lai massacre, reported the killings to his superior officers in a rage over what he had seen, testified at the inquiries and received a commendation from the Army three decades later, died yesterday in Alexandria, La. He was 62....

On March 16, 1968, Chief Warrant Officer Thompson and his two crewmen were flying on a reconnaissance mission over the South Vietnamese village of My Lai when they spotted the bodies of men, women and children strewn over the landscape.

Mr. Thompson landed twice in an effort to determine what was happening, finally coming to the realization that a massacre was taking place. The second time, he touched down near a bunker in which a group of about 10 civilians were being menaced by American troops. Using hand signals, Mr. Thompson persuaded the Vietnamese to come out while ordering his gunner and his crew chief to shoot any American soldiers who opened fire on the civilians. None did.

Mr. Thompson radioed for a helicopter gunship to evacuate the group, and then his crew chief, Glenn Andreotta, pulled a boy from a nearby irrigation ditch, and their helicopter flew him to safety.

Mr. Thompson told of what he had seen when he returned to his base.

"They said I was screaming quite loud," he told U.S. News & World Report in 2004. "I threatened never to fly again. I didn't want to be a part of that. It wasn't war."

Mr. Thompson remained in combat, then returned to the United States to train helicopter pilots. When the revelations about My Lai surfaced, he testified before Congress, a military inquiry and the court-martial of Lt. William L. Calley Jr., the platoon leader at My Lai, who was the only soldier to be convicted in the massacre.

When Mr. Thompson returned home, it seemed to him that he was viewed as the guilty party
.


You read that first paragraph correctly: He was decorated for his actions thirty years later. So it seems to me he was viewed as the guilty party, too.

That's okay. As he pointed out, you don't "do the right thing looking for a reward."

True as that may be, I thought, in this day and age when all it takes to be called a "hero" is to don a uniform ("On behalf of a grateful nation, thank you, UPS guy! What you must have gone through to get this busted and re-taped package through to me days after your company promised delivery! Bless you and everyone who wears the brown!") his obituary was worth posting. I thought someone might be interested in seeing what a real hero looks like (picture included).

Friday, January 06, 2006

"I'm Bacon's Bitch! I'm Bacon's Bitch!" You'll Shout

I was giving a bacon seminar, in Aspen at the Food & Wine Classic with Peter Kasperski, restaurant impresario/genius/go-to-the-ends-of-the-earth-to-make-customers-happy flavor stud/owner of cowboy ciao, Sea Saw and Kazimierz Wine Bar, all in Scottsdale, AZ, when the subject of using bacon in cooking came up. Peter, in his very droll way, mentioned he made a dessert using bacon and then said it: blueberry bread pudding with brown sugar streusel, maple custard sauce, bacon ice cream, bacon/pecan brittle and maple syrup. I swear on my honor, the whole room burst into applause and a standing ovation microseconds after Peter finished. It was as if Allen Ginsberg had just read Howl or Bob Dylan had just played electric for the first time. I became fixated on the Bacon Brittle and had to have it for my catalog. If you or someone you know claim to love bacon, you must try this. It will shake the earth you walk on. One bite and you’ll shake and dance and involuntarily yell out: “Yeah baby, Yeah Baby, Yeah!

And before you'll know it, you'll be spanking your ass and screaming, "Who's yo' daddy? Who's yo' daddy?" although, admittedly, that might just be a personal reaction.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Brought to You by the Letters K and Y or if You're a Muppet, too, a Slick Styling Gel

Grover prepares to French tickle himself some Elmo


Well, they've got to learn somewhere, and it's not like you're going to teach them.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Yeah, but If You Really Wanted to Be Helpful, You'd Pick Out My Clothes, Re-Design My House, and Cook Me Dinner

You are a heterosexual man....But your girlfriend/wife/common-law/female or whoever loves that adorable Jake Gyllenhaal has already stated her intentions. When it’s her turn to pick the Saturday night date-movie, you’re seeing “Brokeback Mountain.”

“But I am a heterosexual man,” you’re thinking, “very, very, very, very straight.” And you’re kind of freaking out as the release date quickly approaches — and even the expression “release date” is making you kind of jittery. You’re hoping to remind your female life partner that, while you feel gay people are very wonderful, colorful, witty additions to the human population and that Ellen sure is fun to watch dance in the credit card commercial and that Tom Hanks really deserved that Academy Award for whatever that movie was where he died at the end, that you are very, very, very, very straight and that it should exempt you from seeing Adorable Jake…um… do “it” with Heath Ledger. ...

And yet, you’re still going to see it whether you like it or not. This necessarily presents a dilemma: how to make her happy and endure your first gay-themed movie where guys actually make out on a very big screen right in front of your face? And that’s where I come in. I’m a red-blooded American male homosexual movie critic who’s already seen “Brokeback Mountain.” And I could just tell you how great the film is, that it’s really powerful and moving and all that, but that isn’t what you want to hear. So I have some viewing tips for you, my straight brothers. I promise I’m only here to help…

6. Anne Hathaway, who plays AJ’s wife, gets topless.


All right: Gay me up. I'm going in.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

A Piece of Elvis's Jump Suit Has Left the Building

Give it up, ladies. The competition’s over. The Camel Toe’s been done to perfection. Quit trying. Go home.

They Called Her Mad at the Academy


It is one of the most fundamental -- and, for men, potentially hazardous -- questions of modern life, for which academics now hope to provide the definitive answer: 'Does my bum look big in this?'

The School of Textiles and Design at Heriot-Watt University in Edinburgh have begun what is believed to be the world's first-ever study on how women's clothing affects the bottom.

Models with variously sized posteriors will wear different types of clothing as part of the research, which will examine how designs, colours, patterns and fabric types affect perception.

Others will be asked to assess how big or small each model's backside appears to look in the outfits....

Four models had been chosen to provide a representative sample of female backsides, [Dr. Lisa] Macintyre said: the "standard", te full "pre-Raphaelite" type, the smaller backside of a slim model and a curvier behind, like the famed example of actress and singer Jennifer Lopez.


I am available to help you answer these, the most important questions of our times, Dr. Macintyre, and I am prepared to waive my usual consultant's fee. Call me.

In Lannie's Defense, at 1 and 2, the Kids Were Probably Too Young for a Time Out

A Bozeman man was accused Thursday of biting two children in his care several times after they refused to fall asleep.

Officers arrested Lannie Lloyd Hendrickson, 24, Wednesday night at an apartment on North Grand Avenue. Earlier, police spoke to the victims' mother who had found bruises and bite marks on the children's shoulders, arms and legs.

In fact, when asked by police how many times he bit the children, he couldn't say for sure, adding that he 'bit the s--t out of them,' according to court records."


Once, I asked a friend whose children had grown to be upstanding individuals what his secret for childrearing was. He looked at me as if I'd asked him something totally obvious to anyone with a functioning brain, and then, he replied, "Even the simplest organism understands pain."

What I'm saying is this: Let's not judge this guy too harshly.

Bono? Sir Bob Geldof? I Don't Recognize Those Two, but That Guy in the Middle Is Willie Nelson

While Bono tries to change the world by hobnobbing with politicians and Sir Bob Geldof plays host to his mega-benefit concerts, Willie Nelson has birthed his own brand of alternative fuel. It is called, fittingly enough, BioWillie. And in BioWillie, Mr. Nelson, 72, has blended two of his biggest concerns: his love of family farmers and disdain for the Iraq war.

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