The Truth*: December 2011

Shit Just Got Real

Santa Claus is coming to town.

He knows if you are Jewish.
He knows if you are poor.
Don't matter if you're bad or good.
He will skip your house for sure.

Oh, you better not shout, you better not cry,
You better not pout, 'cause that's all annoying.

Santa Claus is coming to town.

The elves are at work.
They're making your toys,
And by elves we mean Chinese girls and boys.

Santa Claus is outsourcing your future.

So leave some milk and cookies for jolly Ole St. Nick.
He'll eat them while he's shirtless taking picture of your dick.

So, …

Finally, proof that Santa Claus really was my father.

Hope you enjoyed the miracle of the holiday, everyone.

“I French Kiss.” “Phbbt! Everyone Does that.”“But Momma Says I'm the Best”

The gag at Thursday's pep assembly at Rosemount High School was supposed to be a joke. But when it went viral on YouTube some people didn't find it the least bit funny.

“As principal I am responsible for everything that happens in the school so, ultimately, I am the person that needs to answer for this," school principal John Wollersheim said Wednesday.

Staff at the school planned a prank for the assembly during which each of the winter sports team captains were blindfolded and kissed.

The idea was that the students believe the kisser was another student and then guess who it was but the joke was the mystery kisser was that student's mom or dad. It was a gag that ultimately went awry.”

“I know there are people who are upset about what they have seen and as principal I am responsible for what happens here. For all the people who are offended, they are genuinely offended, and I owe them an apology,” Wollersheim said.

“This is supposed to be a fun event and it should leave everyone feeling pepped and if it is leaving people not feeling good or embarrassed or hurt that is absolutely the opposite of what we are trying to do.

“Needless to say, we're postponing the Parent-Student Key Party until further notice. “We're going to get at least one event right this year, gosh darn it.”

“This is supposed to be a fun event and it should leave everyone feeling pepped...” Unless “pepped” is midwestern slang for “homicidal with humiliation and shame,” I have no idea what you're talking about.

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He's Not Wrong: A Courtesy Lick Would Be Nice

Eric Cartman: Why did you do this to me, god? Next time you're going to get my hopes up, would you please take me to grease monkey, 'cause I like to get lubed up before I get fucked! Huh?!Some lube would be nice!

Or, at least, a courtesy lick, god. How about a little courtesy lick next time you decide to fuck me?!

Wow. My mother should apologize to me for all the times she accused me of throwing a tantrum. Mom, those were not tantrums. These are tantrums.

That Shit's Crazy, Japanese-Game Show Crazy. Seriously, It Might Be Time to Separate Those Country by More than a Sea

Holy shit, Russia! You almost made me want a Whopper. Almost.

I'm Laughing to Cover Up the Fact that I'm Dying Inside

Pop Star's Single, 'Booty Wave', Most Likely Civilization's Downfall

Jim Haggerty: And if you thought things couldn't get more infantile and aesthetically insulting than Fergie, Keesha, or Katy Perry, then you obviously haven't met 22-year-old K'ronikka, the latest and most horrid talent-bereft pop monstrosity the music industry has ever sadistically forced down the American public's collective throat.

She's here with us in the studio right now…

K'ronikka: Whut-whut!

Tracy Gill: Welcome K'ronikka! God, you're just the worst.

Jim Haggerty: Now, tell us K'ronikka, how did you first decide that you wanted to be the cypher through which the cynicism of a morally bankrupt industry is channeled?

… And, right now, our avarice-soaked, unscrupulous corporate advertisers require that we play a little bit of the Booty Wave video…

As it turns out, a booty wave is like a booty tsunami, and the song isn't any worse than the standard pop hits playing on the radio right now. That's not sad. That's not sad at all.