This August 25, Justice Carries a Badge.

I've never been called for jury duty before now. I have a feeling after August 25, I'll never be called again.

I'd like to think it'll because of some “Let Justice rule, though the heavens fall” stand I'll take, but more than likely it'll be because somewhere in the selection process, I slip and reveal my bias, which will be so shocking to those who haven't been exposed to my Biff-ness that the clerk will make a notation in the files.

“Woo, I Wonder Who that Super-Angry, Pissed Off Scrap of Paper Is”

Just a Bill with Cedric Yarbrough & Gary Anthony Williams from Cedric Yarbrough

Bill:

I'm just a bill.
That's right. I'm only a bill.
And these suckas need to sop up that spill.

The folks at British Petroleum said they're giving it all they got.
How are you going to fix the floor of the ocean from the deck of a fucking yacht?!

Spouting lies and spilling all that oil,
Killing crawdads and spoiling the soil,
Fuck BP and go sue Susan Boyle.

Li'l' Boy: Gee, Bill, Susan Boyle has nothing to do with it.

Bill: Well, neither does Barack Obama, but people want to blame him, and whether Barack Obama wants to or not, he may have to go Obama-bastic on their behinds.

They broke the ocean, man!…


It's as simplistic as its predecessor, and it's just as funny. Oh, yeah!

Some Sentiments Are Best Expressed with Flowers

And under the circumstances, you should probably go with a less jizz-y color of icing for the message.

I Write Like...

I write like
David Foster Wallace

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

Well, if he weren't dead already, I'm pretty sure the comparison would kill him.

Geez, Mom. Get a Job Teaching High School. Then, You Can Fuck All the 14-Year-Olds You Want. Until Then...

Maybe that'll teach her.

A Michigan mom who pleaded guilty to having sex with her 14-year-old biological son she gave up for adoption and later found on the Internet, will face at least nine years behind bars, according to the Detroit Free Press.

Aimee L. Sword, 36, of Waterford, apologized at her sentencing on Monday in Oakland County Circuit Court on Monday. The former Macy's makeup clerk could face up to 30 years in jail.

Sword tracked her teenage son, who is now 16, on Facebook in 2008 after she didn't receive an annual update from the boy's adoptive family in Grand Rapids.

"When she saw this boy, something just touched off in her—and it wasn't a mother-son relationship, it was a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship," Sword's attorney, Mitchell Ribitwer, said to the newspaper.

Sword said she only has sex with her son once.


That's the most vile, despicable, reprehensible, disgusting… Oh, you only did it once? Well, that's all right, then. Forgive my outrage. Carry on.

You Don't Have to Like the Product, but You've Got to Love Its Name

Shhhhh…Women have their beauty and fashion secrets and this is one of them. If you are an active, fashion conscious or contemporary woman then Camelflage panties are for you. These aren't your ordinary panty, they were specifically designed to smooth out your feminine parts under tight clothing. Yoga and exercise pants, leggings, tight shorts, skinny jeans or even some work trousers can have a shorter inseam. You have enough to worry about these days; the last thing you need to think about is your panties riding up during your cardio kick boxing class.


Really, between the Camel Toe Annie and this, I don't know where women stand on the the “smoothing of their lady parts”

If it helps, as long as you're not sporting a Mumbler, guys don't mind reading your tea leaves. I know you don't dress for us; I'm just saying.

One for the “I'll Never Regret Getting This Tattoo” File

The lawyer for a Bells man who faces sentencing in a plot to kill more than 100 black people, including President Barack Obama, has filed a motion asking that he be transported to the Madison County Jail for tattoo alteration before he is sent to federal prison.

Daniel Cowart, 21, pleaded guilty in March to eight federal charges including threatening to kill Obama — who was a candidate for president at the time authorities discovered the plot — and transporting firearms, ammunition and a short-barreled shotgun in interstate commerce for the purpose of committing robberies, burglaries and murders.

Cowart and Paul Schlesselman, of Helena-West Helena, Ark., were arrested in October 2008 and charged with planning a multistate robbery and killing spree, which would end in an attempt to kill Obama.

Schlesselman was sentenced to 10 years, and Cowart faces a possible 12- to 18-year sentence at a hearing scheduled for Aug. 13.

Cowart's lawyer, Joe Byrd Jr., filed a sealed motion on June 27, along with several sealed exhibits.

The government's response, filed on July 2, is not sealed and references Byrd's request that Cowart be transported to Madison County to have his tattoos altered. Cowart is being held in the Obion County Jail.

Pictures of Cowart show he has at least two large tattoos — a swastika on his right shoulder and an iron cross on the left side of his chest.…

The government's response asks that Cowart not be granted transport, arguing that giving Cowart special permission to undergo voluntary cosmetic surgery would cause several problems for the U.S. Marshals Service.

“The Marshals Service is wary of setting a precedent whereby they are obligated to devote substantial resources to transporting and escorting inmates between facilities for the purposes of voluntary cosmetic surgery,” the response says. “Besides,”" a Marshall Service representative said, “how often do you get a ringside seat to the Karmic wheel turning?”

Ah, Savage Love, You Never Fail to Entertain Me. Same Time Next Week?

I am a married white guy in my 50s. My wife and I do some role-playing where I am “Ted,” her real-life father. In her script, I yell at my “bad daughter” (my wife) over some infraction and send her to her room. Later on, I sneak in and tell her that she could “make Daddy very happy” if we were to do some “secret, special things” together. I usually end up fingering her still-virginal butt while “forcing” her to suck my dick. Then I roll her over and rape the hell out of her.


Um, honey, I'm not judging — really, I'm not — but I think I'm going to need a re-write on this script. I like the ending; it's the journey I'm having trouble with.

That's What Happens when Cunning Linguists Drink

A New York high school fired two female teachers who were found one recent evening allegedly drunk and at least partially naked in a classroom, officials said.

New York High School Superintendent Linda Waite's report of the Nov. 20 incident said James Madison High School French teacher Cindy Mauro, 34, and Spanish teacher Alini Brito, 30, were found in a classroom at 8:50 p.m. by maintenance workers, the New York Daily News reported Friday.

Waite said the workers reported seeing “a woman lying on the floor naked from the waist up” and a school safety officer summoned to the classroom said the women were “naked,” with one “on her knees” and one “lying on the floor.”

Waite said there were students in the building at the time of the incident, as the annual SING! competition was underway.

Mark Nussbaum, an attorney for Mauro and Brito, said the teachers have requested a formal hearing to contest the allegations. “Although my clients don't have qualms with most of the facts,” said Nussbaum, “neither is welling to admit to being over 30 at this time.”


To be fair, you would have to promise me nudity, alcohol, and possibly some on-knees action — if you know what I mean, and I think that you do — to get me within a mile of a high school SING! competition. I'm not saying these ladies didn't do something wrong, I'm just saying, I understand.

And what kind of maintenance workers reports naked, drunken teachers up to no-good?! I assumed when they saw something like that, they just said, “Beats the hell out of changing lightbulbs,” and then posted the video on YouTube. That my assumption was false saddens me a little.

I've been reluctant to add my voice to the cause before, but if this is standard behavior for high school support staff, I would like to add my craggy voice to the call for reform in post-secondary education. This cannot stand.

My Bike?! Where Is...Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!

It's great to watch two old friends give each other the “red ass.”

“Freedom, Horrible, Horrible Freedom”

Escape-obsessed monkeys used springy tree branches to catapult themselves over a five-metre electric fence to freedom.

The Japan Times said the trees were a little over 1.8-metres high and about 1.8-3 metres from the high-voltage wire fence at Kyoto University's primate research centre.

Nevertheless, a dozen monkeys used them to leap over the barrier.

“Their jumping power was greater than we thought,” said Hirohisa Hirai, deputy head of the institute in Inuyama.

However, the monkeys seemed not to know what to do with their new-found liberty following Sunday's great escape.

Most of them were found hanging around the outside of the fence and at least five were lured back inside with peanuts.


If that isn't a metaphor for the current state of America, I don't know what is.