Thursday, September 30, 2004

I'm Bringing My Own Cape from Now On

A Summit County sherriff's deputy turned himself in for allegedly masturbating under a salon cape while he was getting his hair highlighted in a salon, reported NewsChannel5.


Okay, that's gross and everything, but let's not get thrown off point by a little sexual release.

The point? He was getting highlights?

We Live in an Age of Miracle and Wonder and, Unfortunately, This

When Moses was
In Lloyd Webber's laaaaaaaand,
...
Let
Val Kilmer
Gooooooooooo.

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Coming This Fall: The Rules for Marriage-Sustaining Dentistry

Ellen Fein, author of the 1990s best seller The Rules, accuses a New York "dentist to the stars" of botching work on her teeth, leaving her with "life-altering injuries" which helped cause her divorce. ...

Strangely, failed dental work was never cited as an important factor in finding, or keeping, a husband in her series of relationship bibles: The Rules, The Rules II, The Rules for Marriage, and The Rules for Online Dating.


Who would have thought, a marriage built on looks and lies could be so fragile?

Okay, those of you experiencing schadenfreude right now can put your hands down. I wasn't talking to you. Jaded malcontents don't count.

Besides, you're blowing the curve.

"And, Now, Put Your Hands Together for America's Favorite Funny Man--and Supreme Court Justice--Antonin Scalia! C'mon! Give It Up!"

In a freewheeling question-and-answer session following the justice's prepared remarks, an African-American graduate student challenged Scalia to defend the constitutionality of racial profiling.

The Kennedy School Student, Larry Harris Jr., said that his Fourth and 14th Amendment rights had been violated when he was pulled over in Cambridge for &mdash as he put it &mdash "driving while black."

Scalia was less convinced.

"What the Fourth Amendment prohibits is 'unnecessary' search and seizure," the justice said. "Is it racial profiling prohibited by the Fourth Amendment for the police to go looking for a white man with blue eyes? Do you want to stop little old ladies with tennis shoes?"

The eccentric justice launched into a parody of a police radio dispatch under a scenario in which profiling were prohibited. "The suspect is 5'10, we know what he looks like, but we can't tell you," Scalia quipped &mdash drawing laughter from the audience.


And he's drawing a some belly laughs here, as well. Snicker, snigger, snort, snort. I mean, it's so funny, because it's true.

No, wait. It isn't. That parody isn't about racial profiling at all.

Racial profiling has nothing to do with searches by police officer seeking specific individuals for specific crimes: That's legitimate. What we're talking about is police officers questioning 5'10 black males because in the past, 5'10 black males have committed crimes of some sort or another: That isn't.

That's what's at issue. Scalia knows that, but instead of engaging one of the few audiences with the expertise to appreciate his insights on this matter, discussing its distinctions and nuances and shadings, he gave them (and us) a few minutes of his stand-up routine &mdash what a madcap!

I mean, I'm still laughing at the suggestion that, somewhere in this great land, there's a police force pulling over white, blue-eyed males without just cause.

Whew &mdash ha,ha--that man does have a gift. Mercy.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

"Mom Charged after Son, 4, Takes Pot to School, Police Say"

"Today, for Show-and-Tell, I'm going to demonstrate how to bogart a joint. Now, using this pot I got from my mom, I'm going to roll a joint, fire it up, and ignore all of you as you wait for me to pass it around. Yeah, yeah, I know it doesn't sound like a lot of fun for you, but, trust me, it really works out well for me."

Duuuude, Like, Type in "Internet Pimp Baltimore." Duh-Uh!

Do you remember how the Internet was going to bring us one step closer to Enlightenment, help us solve our intellectual and social woes via the wholesale sharing of ideas and common interests? It's hard to recall &mdash isn't it? &mdash particularly, after this. Oh, what naive kids we were back then! [Insert reflective sigh, here.]

Oh, well, back to porn.

What Is It with White SUVs?

A woman accused of fighting with officers and kicking out a patrol car window after being stopped on suspicion of drunk driving on Interstate 90 with two children in the vehicle was charged Monday in Justice Court.


Frankly, if you trapped me in a Suburban with two kids, I'd become a screaming, pissing, damn nigh unsubduable ball of groin-kicking fury, too. And you can believe there would be alcohol involved, lots and lots of alcohol, to the point that I'd stink of it. (How else could you lure me into the car?)

I guess what I'm saying is, "Fight the Power, my sister!"

Sunday, September 26, 2004

Hey, Krispy Kreme, Keep Your Eyes on Your Own Paper

It looks yummy, but, no, thanks. I'm going to stick with Hostess on this; however, if I ever want to make an insulin pump cry, I'll give you a call.

Saturday, September 25, 2004

Mmm, Hostess Wedding Cake

Like most boys, growing up, I spent a lot of time eating snack cakes and reading bridal magazines. And like most boys, I whiled away my youth dreaming of my wedding day and this cake.

Good times, good times.

In the Life of Every Successful Student, There's a Talented Teacher Who Cares

Dear Billy's Mom and Dad,

I thought you'd like to see what your son made in school today. Although he's made others, I feel this is by far his best. Hug him tightly; be proud.

As his teacher, though, I have to tell you, I wish he'd just made an ashtray like the other kids.

Signed,

Mrs. Krabapple

I'm going to go out on a limb, here, and say, his parents were already aware of the problem.

Friday, September 24, 2004

A World without Twinkies?! Nooooooooo! I Don't Want to Live! I. Don't. Want. To Live.

The ovens will Keep the Twinkies coming for a while longer

A Federal bankruptcy judge has approved a $50 million loan to Interstate Bakeries. That'll let the maker of Wonder Bread and Hostess Twinkies keep operating for another month.



Actually, since they pump those things with the kind of preservatives that sustain things in half-lives, not days and weeks, even though I haven't had a Twinkie in years, I bet you can see the fragments of that bad boy glowing in my bowels at night from space, like little chewed Twinkie hands on a glow-in-the-dark gastrointestinal watch. So even if they don't get a loan, it's okay. I'm good.

Envy, Thy Name Is Loman

A HOUSEWIFE has inherited a rare Shakespeare book from a long-lost cousin which could fetch millions at auction. ...The First Folio of Comedies, Histories & Tragedies is one of only six in private hands and experts describe it as the most important book in the English language.


My mom showed me her will. I get her lucky Zippo (if I can pry it from her cold, dead hands) and any cigarettes left in her private reserve, an embarrassment of riches, to be sure.

That's what makes it hard not to pity that poor housewife and her silly book, but, as you can see, I was raised by a caring, loving woman. I'm up to the challenge.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

"When I Said, 'Kill,' I meant 'Have Hot Monkey Sex With,' and When I Said 'Died,' I Meant 'Made Me Feel Alive.' What Did You Think I Meant?

Evangelist Jimmy Swaggert apologized Wednesday for saying in a televised worship service that he would kill any gay man who looked at him romantically.

...In the broadcast, Swaggert was discussing his opposition to gay marriage when he said "I've never seen a man in my life I wanted to marry."

"And I'm going to be blunt and plain: If one ever looks at me like that, I'm going to kill him and tell God he died," Swaggert said to laughter and applause from the congregation.

On Wednesday, Swaggert said he has jokingly used the expression "killing someone and telling God he died" thousands of times, about all sorts of people.


Gee, I wonder what sorts of people they were.

"That's Officer bin Laden Lover to You, Pal!"

[Ken] Hill said he told the security guard who told him to take down the flag that someone with the Tampa Sports Authority told him ... that he could hang it there.


I did pretty much the same thing.

When I was an undergraduate here, an officer stopped me and asked me where I thought I was going with that, "that," being a DTH dispenser. It was after 2:00 a.m., I had been binge drinking, and taking it back to the dorm to use as a stereo cabinet sounded like a good idea at the time. I told the officer, a man in a suit told me I could have it. He told me to put it back and go home; so, I did.

Over the course of the next four years, that was standard operating procedure. I would do something borderline illegal, in most cases, poorly-conceived, and, more often than not, stupid, like running a "No War in El Salvador" flag up the Naval ROTC's flagpole, playing flashlight tag in the graduate library after hours, or breaking into the stadium for a night game of football with my suite mates--something along the line of hijinks. The police would stop me. I would say I had the permission of some authority figure. And they would say, "Oh, you and your monkeyshines. Now, cut that out and run along, you little scamp (or words to that effect)."

Unlike this guy and his co-conspirators, I never got arrested, never got expelled, and never got Taser-ed, because unlike Mr. Hill, here, back then, I knew when the gig was up; I knew when The Man could have been busting my ass, but was cutting me a break instead; I knew when to wink back and get lost.

Unfortunately, I don't know any of that anymore, but what I do know is, if you go around calling police officers "Officer bin Laden," misfortune will follow in your wake. You can bet the rent money on that.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

"Have You No Decency, Sir? At Long Last, Have You Left No Sense of Decency?"

Now, I'm sure he did this against the advice of his learned counsel, as I'm sure no lawyer would tell his client mooning a judge at sentencing is a good idea, but here's the thing:

So what?

Why are judges unlike all other government officials? Why are they beyond contempt? Why can't a guy say, "You just sentenced me to a prison term; you're damn right I have contempt for you" and express that in any nonviolent way he's sees fit. Isn't that what the First Amendment is all about, protecting you and me from the government's wrath after we've mustered the courage to tell it -- in the person of one of our elected or appointed or contracted officials -- "Hey, you suck"? That is what it's about, right? so I can say, "Hey Rummy, you stink," or "Hey, Ashcroft, you would do a better job blowing goats than running the U.S. Department of Justice," or write, "Hey, Laura, our misadventure in Iraq is killing this country. Please tell your your illiterate, lip-diddling husband I said so at your earliest convenience". I'm suppose to be able to do that, am I not (as long as I don't mind that irritating clicking noise whenever I use the phone), because criticizing the government is one of the fundamental rights of every American citizen, one of the ones guaranteed by our Constitution, one of the absolutely essential ones. We have to be able to criticize our government's policies and the persons who execute them if democracy in this country is to work and flourish. I don't understand what allows a judge of the nation's laws to stand above that need.

Regarding the above contempt of court matter, to paraphrase the inestimable Joseph Welch (whom I quoted above), "until this moment, Judge Carrol, I think I never really gauged your cruelty or your recklessness, but giving a guy an additional 6 months for mooning you.... Have you no decency?" I have no respect for you, sir, or the robe you hide behind, and I hope some day we will relieve you and your ilk of the power to punish those of us who say so, you cowering worm.

Saturday, September 18, 2004

That Swooshing Sound? It's the Sound of a Society Circling the Bowl

Votergasm is a non-partisan nonprofit campaign formed to simultaneously reverse two disturbing trends in American society: low voting rates among young people, and unacceptably low rates of youth sexual activity. The focus of Votergasm.org is to encourage young people everywhere to pledge to have sex with voters on Election Night, and withhold sex from non-voters until the next presidential election.


Now, you know the real reason African Americans fought for the right to vote.

"For Criminy's Sake, Quitcherbitchin' and Have an Affair, Already. Gee Whiz."

A Spanish man tried to have his wife charged with domestic abuse because she refused to have sex with him on five consecutive days, ...


She didn't abuse him, obviously, but I have a hunch he's going to be abusing himself in the near future and for some time. Of course, I'm just a single guy, so what do I know?

Friday, September 17, 2004

So Watch Your Back, Mr. "Oh, Boy, This Wine Is Tepid, Not Room Temperature"

I've thought about it &mdash a lot &mdash but I've never followed through on it, mostly, because I don't have a hitwoman lover, but also because I can't afford to pay a hitman off. I'd have to make much more in tips than I do now for that to be an option, but come that day, I'm making a list.

I'm Baaaack

Um, about being away and posting rarely.... Yeah. Well, I'm going to have to ask that you ignore that. (Who knew they had Internet access in Seattle?) Yeah. Thanks.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Non-Racist Flies Confederate Flag, Makes News

"My dad flies one,"Montgomery says. "He's not a racist."

So the sophomore said he was surprised when a Husker Courtyards resident assistant approached him and asked him to take the flag out of his window mere days after he put it up.

A black student, Jennings, had gone to the university, upset about its presence.

Unlike Montgomery, the Confederate flag signifies to her the worst part of the South she hails from, and the country in which she lives.

"- (I)t is a shameful reminder of slavery, segregation and hundreds of years of oppression,"she wrote in a Aug. 30 guest editorial in the Daily Nebraskan, UNL's student newspaper.

The journalism student sat at a computer writing that editorial for five or six hours, she says, breaking only to cry.


Once you accept that this country isn't as integrated or racially harmonious as The Gap ads suggest, that there will be portions of our society that will never accept you as an equal, once you let go of your idealism in this regard, trust me, it'll get easier. You'll be able to crank out those editorials in five to ten minutes, and you'll be so numb emotionally that you'll hardly cry at all.

And I'm sorry no one told you about this sooner.

"Mother Accused of Locking Her 7-Year-Old Son in the Trunk of Her Car so She Could Celebrate Her Birthday..."

The attorney told the judge that while Powell's alleged criminal actions could be considered "poor judgment," her son is in good health and is well cared for.

...Powell was arrested after San Diego police got an anonymous tip that her child was locked in the trunk of her gray 1985 Volvo. ...A sleeping bag, pillow and car battery were in the trunk....


Wow, I didn't get a car battery till I was well into my teens.

Internet Quizzes Say the Nicest Things



I think what it meant to say was, "As far world leaders go, you are Einstein's mustache," and even that flatters me.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

"Conditions Are Deteriorating, Dwight..."

Obviously the sensible move is to broadcast from the protected lee of a strong building, but for that you could get fired.

Your producer will instead order you to step into the teeth of the storm, whree you risk being clobbered by flying glass, coconuts, shingles, patio furniture of surfboards.

This is an act of utter derangement, but it makes for amusing
television. If you survive, your next mission will be to find and film a major piece of hurricane debris--the money shot.


Remember, your viewers' expectations are high. They've watched
that big slow mother whorling across th eDoppler for a week, and they've been primed for devastation on a biblical scale.


Take no chances. Proceed immediately to the nearest trailer park, being extra careful not to crash into other TV crews on the way.

&mdash from Carl Hiaasen's The Handbook for Roving Hurricane Correspondents




Having lived through a couple of these in the recent past &mdash terrifying hurricanes, not terrifying weather broadcasts &mdash I can say with a high degree of certainty that this is all too accurate.

Monday, September 13, 2004

He Who Shall Try to Remain Nameless Thwarted by Potter Stewart (or Some Reasonable Facsimiles on the Ninth Circuit Court)

Failing that, Ashcroft had everything placed on double-secret probation.

...Which, Oddly Enough, Tastes Like Chicken

"President Clinton's so-called 'assault weapons' ban was nothing more than a sop to antigun liberals," Otter said Friday in a written statement. "It provided only the illusion of reducing gun violence, but it did real damage to our liberties."

But advocates for the ban, including the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence, point to some particularly vicious shootings in which military-style weapons were used — including the 10 killings in the sniper shooting spree that terrorized residents in Maryland, Virginia and Washington, D.C., in 2002.


Anyone who knows anything about America knows this: It is the want of ways to kill ourselves with firearms that prevents us from fulfilling our potential as a free nation.

Now that that horrible weapons ban is done with, I gotta' tell you, the sun shines brighter, the air tastes sweeter.

It tastes like freedom.

I Stand Corrected:...

...there is a god.

And He is wrathful and vengeful, full of wrath and venge, with an eternity of time on His hands to deal with the likes of you, so repent and tip appropriately, but not in that order.

Yours in His Love,

Saturday, September 11, 2004

"He's Mr. White Christmas; He's Mr. Twenty Below..."

...Friends call
me Snow Miser
.
Whatever I touch
Turns to snow in my clutch.
I'm too much.


xfh
You're a Winter. You very much enjoy your time
alone but do like other people's company
sometimes. You just need your space. You have a
few priviledged friends who saw past your
colder exterior to find the true you. You can
have pretty bad mood swings (though you hate to
admit it) so you could be soft one second then
storming around the next! But over all, you're
a very pleasant person once people take the
time to get to know you. You're a good friend
for in-depth talks. You're very talanted when
it comes to creative things.


What season are you? (pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

Nobody's Perfect

Democrats had better realize that people buy this shit. While they're saying that President Bush has failed to "provide jobs and healthcare to working Americans," the Republicans are saying that Kerry faked his war wounds. Sorry to burst your bubble...but Americans respond to lies, and the more vicious the lie, the more effective.

This shocking revelation is neither shocking, nor a revelation. Discuss.

Friday, September 10, 2004

Pssst! Pssst! Over Here...

Blogging around here is going to be light to nonexistent for the next week or so. After a brief disagreement with the cops &mdash they say 45 parking tickets is enough to get an arrest warrant, while I maintain that the number should be 100, 46, at least &mdash I find myself on the lam. Don't worry. I have it on good authority that if you just lay low for a while, these things just blow over. Good. Authority. I should be up and blogging tout de suite (that's French for "6 or 7 days").

In the meantime, if anyone in an ill-fitting uniform or Sears Wash-n-Wear 3-piece suit tries to chat you up on my whereabouts, play it cool. You don't know me; you haven't seen me. Mum's the word.

I'd do it for you.

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Sonnet Snizzle XVIII

I'm Lovin' It, Possibly, Too Much

"We're going after companies with an enormous brand name where there is also a likelihood of finding the 'girl next door' who has the potential to become a model," said John Thomas, editor of Playboy.com.


The problem won't be finding "girls next door." The problem will be finding women next door, as models for "adult reading (ha, ha, good one)" mags have to be over 18.

And that's the really sad part &mdash isn't it? &mdash that there's someone over 18 working at McDonald's with enough dignity left to squander on this. Nothing this sad has come my way since I was a kid and discovered that Babar's mother was shot.

Of course, some of you are sympathizing with the corporate giant--see, "false consciousness" &mdash and thinking, McDonald's has got to put a stop to this. Don't worry. They'll do everything in their power to do just that. I mean, I have it on good authority that Ray Croc, founder and Grimace model, was buried in a brown, polyester thong with a golden arch in the back, his last and truest love. Word on the street is, he wanted to make the McThong the new lower half of the franchise's uniform. That's when Corporate decided to put him down. They'll squash this, too.

Good authority, I say.

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

The Ten Most Hated Men in Rock

I'd like to argue, here, but I honestly don't know who half these people are. It sounds like that's a good thing.

Monday, September 06, 2004

I Feel His Love when I Work. Hallelujah.

Early Christianity took a similarly bleak view of labor, adding the even darker thought that man was condemned to toil in order to make up for the sin of Adam. Working conditions, however abusive, could not be improved. Work wasn't accidentally miserable--it was one of the planks upon which earthly suffering was irrevocably founded. St. Augustine reminded slaves to obey their masters and accept their pain as part of what he termed, in "The City of God," the "wretchedness of man's condition."


I am a waiter, as you who have read my bio know. Today, Labor Day, I am pulling a double shift.

While I was waiting to clock in for another period of indentured servitude, I read that paean to the worker, and instead of expressing rage or my customary bitterness, as you would expect, I smiled. I smiled because I realized that later today when I am suffering through the lash of words my boss will rain down upon me, when I am being summoned to a table by the rattle of ice in an empty glass, dismissed with the wave of an eater's hoof, I will be fulfilling my Divine purpose on Earth, making God smile.

I can see Him, walking about with a goofy grin on His face, shaking His head, holding His sides, a sight, one that provokes a seraphim or archangel into to asking, "What's up with You? It looks like You're about to bust a gut in the firmament."

"I'll tell you what's up," He will say in that well modulated baritone for which he is famous. "See that guy down there, mixing his spittle into that surly customer's merlot? Yeah, that guy, Loman. He pleases Me."

Sunday, September 05, 2004

We Were Voted King and Queen of the Prom

One night Redfern, of Spilsby, Lincs, texted him saying she was bored marking schoolwork and added: "Can you imagine having oral sex."


This happened to me, too, and I was traumatized by it, as well, one, because my teacher was 64 at the time and, two &mdash and this is what sent me into therapy &mdash because she kept grading me on my spelling and grammar. I can't tell you what that does to a boy.

Friday, September 03, 2004

Great Horny Toads! Georgia's Elected Yosemite Sam to the Senate...

...under the pseudonym Zell Miller. Oh, he's shaved his trademark mustache and doffed his floppy hat, but it's Sam all right. And he's rootin', tootin', two gun-shootin' mad. (Check out the video option on the page.)

Wow. Usually, it takes something like freeing the Negroes to get a Southern Gentleman this disturbed.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

"You Get More with a Smile and a Gun than Just a Smile Alone"

From the transcript of Bill Maher's August 27th broadcast of REAL TIME: (New Rules are at the end of the telecast.)

And finally, New Rule: You can't claim you're for peace unless you're willing to disturb it. Now, at the Republican Convention next week, New York City is attempting to buy off potential angry war protesters by giving them discounts on restaurants and Broadway shows——in exchange for a pledge not to all congregate in one place, and keep the noise down. You know, like it's a high school band trip. “What do we want? Peace! When do we want it? Now!” But we'll settle for dinner for two at Red Lobster.

You know what? I want to see some real protests next week, the kind I watched as a kid on TV from the Democratic Convention in Chicago in '68. I want to see this guy. [makes face and flips finger at camera]. Remember that guy?

I mean, isn't that the least we, as citizens, can do? Isn't this one of those moments when democracy needs to show it's not afraid to be in the streets? Because you know who has peaceful, planned demonstrations? Totalitarian states with no civil liberties like North Korea and Disneyland .

Therefore, tonight, I am urging all the protesters in New York next week to riot! I'm talking about good old-fashioned rioting, the kind that made whitey move to the suburbs.

Look, protester, you spent two weeks making that papier-mâché Dick Cheney mask. Now light it on fire and torch the nearest GAP store. Two lesbians with a “Lick Bush” sign is not going to make the “Nightly News.” Pick up a garbage can and throw it through a Starbucks window! I don't want to see a candlelight vigil. This is New York ; there's a body count at Simon and Garfunkel concerts.

If anything with Trump written on it is standing after September 3 rd , you're a bunch of pussies who aren't worth the hemp in your Timberland shoes.

I want to see cab drivers so nervous they stop picking up the white people. We're Americans, damn it! We burn cars over basketball games. Let's make some noise. Let's kick some ass.


No, violence doesn't solve everything, but as far as American political history and protests are concerned, it's got a pretty good track record.

Burn, baby, burn.