That Did It: Then and There, Billy Decided to Put Down the Baseball and Pick Up a Jump Rope

Finally, as the ache in Jeffy’s knees begins to become almost unbearable while he waits for the strike that will never come, Billy attempts to salvage some shred of dignity while begging for mercy. I like to think that Daddy replies with a sneering “Screw you, kid — bunting is for pussies” before sending Billy scrambling with a line drive aimed right at his grossly oversized head.

I love the Family Circus -- when it's being made fun of.

What Would Fecus Do? "WWFD Bracelets Now Available Where All Great Scams Are Sold (and Walmart)

Since I was taking a nap it was Jon’s responsibility to retrieve The Spawn from her crib when she woke up but the whimpering startled me. I rolled out of bed and stumbled half-awake into her room to see what appendage she might have stuck in the crib, but there was no stuckage to be seen, no. Instead, she sat upright on her knees, her hands covered in what looked like pasta sauce, her forehead smeared with war paint.

I picked her up under her arms and held her at least a foot away from my body. And then the smell hit me LIKE AN AX IN THE FACE. I managed to turn her body away from mine and then I saw it, the Pasta Poop, an explosion of meatballs and sauce out the top of her diaper splattered up like the spray of a fountain into the back of her hair. I glanced at the crib and noticed two plum-sized turds sitting like menacing eight balls in the middle of her blanket.

“JON! JON!” I could barely breathe. “YOU HAVE GOT TO SEE THIS. OH. MY. GOD.”

...

“POOP!”

You would have thought that neither of us had ever seen poop in our lives. The mess, it was like we were witnessing the depths of Hell and both of us in that moment were scared straight back into religion.

See, I would have gone in the other direction:

"Oh, god, why hast thou forsaken us?! What have we done?! Tell us, Great Feces, what we can do to return to your good Graces? Who must we smite with these unholy meatballs of shit to earn Salvation?"

That's just me. But given that I stopped feeling god's love when Reagan got elected, you should consider the source.

More of an Indictment of the Texas Educational System than Anything Else

Upon arrival afficant met with the victim identified as:

FEDERIC PARKE (BEN) W/M DOB 01/24/80

Ben advised that the suspect:

JANNETTE PULIDO W/F DOB 01/18/02

Became angry after he told her that he did not want to have anymore sex this evening (04/02/05). According to Ben Jannette grabbed him by the genitiles and squeezed them causing him pain. Jannette then aggressively climbed on top of Ben grabbing him by the throat and stated "Come on fuck me again". When Ben refused Jannette began verbally abusing Ben and stated the following to him "Your just a looser", "You'll always be a looser", "I'm going to cut of your dick off while your asleep", "I'm going to bite off your balls". After Jannette made these threats Ben struggled with her eventually pushing her off of him and telling her to leave.

Idle threats, violent behavior, misspellings: You've got to expect that sort of thing if you're going to be having sex with a 3-year-old (see DOB, among the other errors in this report).

JCPenny: It's Where Snoop Shops

In retaliation, Walmart has decided to allow its automotive centers to Pimp-Yo-Ride.

"What Did They Expect? Normally, She's as Sweet as Honeysuckle, but Cut Off Mom's Bourbon Supply, and She'll Feed You Your Still Beating Heart"

An internal investigation was launched Monday looking into the actions of Marietta police officers during a Saturday night brawl at the Lafayette Hotel.

As of Monday, the reason for the fight had not been determined, but police said it could have been because the hotel had refused to serve any more alcohol to the party.

Smart detective work, that. Cutting us off -- like eye contact, the bearing of teeth, and large arm movements -- is viewed by my family and ilk as a threating gesture against us, and is likely to provoke a fight-or-flee response. If it's closing time and we're in a bar, we're likely to flee; if we're celebrating a sacrament or some other free-access-to-liquor event, we are guaranteed to fight. I can't imagine a one of us who wouldn't. If I had family in Marietta, I'd be on the phone right now, getting the lowdown on who grandma cut this time.

This Jackson Trial Is More Entertaining than I Thought

If witnesses such as McCoy, meanwhile, helped the defense refute the conspiracy charge, then Neverland workers, past and present, helped refute the notion that Jackson corrupted his accuser.

Security guard Shane Meredith testified that he caught the accuser and his younger brother with a half-empty bottle of wine. …

Ex-chef's assistant Angel Vivanco said, per reports, that the accuser demanded snack foods--"Give me the f--king Cheetos"--and a spiked milkshake.

Substitute mom for maid, and you get a idea of Biff: The Teenage Years.

"Don't Be Alarmed, Biff. Mommy and Daddy Are Just Testing a Theory. Go Back to Bed"

"Among the theories that Dr. Lloyd addresses in her book is one proposed in 1993, by Dr. R. Robin Baker and Dr. Mark A. Bellis, at Manchester University in England. In two papers published in the journal Animal Behaviour, they argued that female orgasm was a way of manipulating the retention of sperm by creating suction in the uterus. When a woman has an orgasm from one minute before the man ejaculates to 45 minutes after, she retains more sperm, they said.

Furthermore, they asserted, when a woman has intercourse with a man other than her regular sexual partner, she is more likely to have an orgasm in that prime time span and thus retain more sperm, presumably making conception more likely. They postulated that women seek other partners in an effort to obtain better genes for their offspring.

Dr. Lloyd said the Baker-Bellis argument was 'fatally flawed because their sample size is too small.'"

Why is it that every time a discussion of the female orgasm comes up, someone mentions my fatally flawed sample size?

I Don't Know: Some Guys -- and Mind You I Know Them -- Find a Woman with a Fu Manchu Sexy.

Defense witnesses in the Michael Jackson child molesting trial on Monday appeared to contradict testimony by the accuser's mother that she sought to escape from Neverland Ranch, saying she instead had an extensive body wax ... at Mr. Jackson's expense....

A Neverland employee, Kathryn Bernard, testified that the mother insisted on making that appointment immediately, and Ms. Bernard said she drove her there within the hour."

I can just imagine the call -- "I'm fine now, but if someone doesn't start depilating me, and I mean soon, I'm a Chia Pet by noon. Code Blue! Repeat: CODE BLUE!" -- because, trust me, I've been there, girlfriend.

Giving Credit Where It Is Due

I was working as the hired muscle for this move, and saw the whole thing. If you've never been around during a life-defining moment, let me tell you, when it happens, you know it, at once, then and there, things will never be the same again: There's a chill in the air that no amount of sunlight can dispel; food tastes like ashes in your mouth; the world reeks of rot; and the birds sing a neverending tune of injustice. The beer's still good and cold -- no call for alarm, there, but that's beside the point. The point is, you're involved in a Pick Your Side moment and you know it.

Looking back on it -- no offense, Law Guy -- I should've sided with the Man.

So Basically It's the Director's Cut of "The Rock"

Apparently, the most annoying thing in the world is an animated frog's penis.

What Did I Do to Deserve Callista Flockhart -- because Whatever It Was, I'm Sorry -- So Very, Very Sorry

Han Solo

You'r ea loveable rogue maverick, a little bit woo, a little bit way. Beneath all that scoundrel schtick you are essentially good. When a dog barks, you know what it's on about.

Hoping for Yoda, I was. Damn.

They're Just Like Little Kittens, in That They Make You Want to Put Them in a Sack and Toss Them into a River

What do you think is the most important social issue facing the white race right now? Do you have any songs that address this issue?
Not having enough white babies born to replace ourselves and generally not having good-quality white people being born. It seems like smart white girls who have good eugenics are more interested in making money in a career or partying than getting married and having a family. And yes, we are working on some new songs about this issue.

Please tell me the significance of the [band's name.]
... We think it might make people question some of the inaccuracies of the 'Holocaust' myth."

Good Gravy.

You know, I was laughing so hard at the thought of white civilization being brought low by Girls Gone Wild, I almost missed that revisionist twaddle.

Eew.

But all things considered, they're still more loveable than the Olsen twins.

Disney, on the Other Hand, Is Going to Play "Reno" Round-the-Clock, instead of "It's a Small World"

Bruce Springsteen's lyrics are too hot for Starbucks. NEWSWEEK has learned that the naitono's favorite coffee chain has retreated from a potential deal to sell the singer's new album, "Devils & Dust," because of one steamy tune on the 12-song disc.

The song, "Reno," is in part about an encounter with a prostitute. Springsteen includes a description of anal sex, including the price she charges for the act.

Apparently, in Nevada, that sort of thing can be had for a triple-tall grande, sugar-free vanilla, soy latte -- extra hot -- and you can pay for it with your Starbucks card.

There was going to be a CD-Latte-Anal Sex-with-a-Hooker tie-in, but the hookers balked and walked out of negotiations when Starbucks insisted they wear green aprons. That's what really happened.

This lyrics bouhaha, it's nothing but a smokescreen.

"The 15-Pound Burger Can Feed a Family of 10, or the City of Kuala Lumpur"

Now, from the home office at Late Show with David Letterman:

Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Eating A 15-Pound Cheeseburger


10. "Does this restaurant have a defibrillator?"

9. "Am I that hungry or should I order the 12-poud cheeseburger?"

8. "Does it come with fries?"

7. "Would it be easier to eat 60 quarter pounders?"

6. "Can I get it on a low-carb bun?"

5. "How expensive is it to be buried in a piano case?"

4. "What am I going to have for dessert?"

3. "Why is everybody looking at me?"

2. "What would Jesus do?"

1. "Can I super-size that?"

Apparently, the Sign of Enlightenment Is Not the Sun, But the Moon

Nelson said that he knew of one profesor ... who suffered a breakdown after he was denied tenure, and responded in part by stripping naked and climbing into a college building by hauling himself up a wall, holding onto ivy, and climbing in. The professor was eventually able to reverse the decision and to win tenure.

And he proved that you have a greater chance of getting tenure with a bare ass and seven, grinding years of peer-reviewed and accepted research than just the seven, grinding years of peer-reviewed and accepted research alone.

Is there any wonder why I wanted to get a PhD. and a tenure-track position?

WWAY NewsChannel 3, Wilmington, NC: New Details: Human Finger in Custard

"'I said 'Gosh this ice cream is good.' Then I said, 'Gosh, there's something hard in my ice cream,' said Clarence, remembering the moments before he found the finger. Clarence said he wished he'd realized it was a finger before he tried to eat it. 'I proceeded to put the object in my mouth. Got all the ice cream off of it, spit it in my hand, said 'God, this ain't no nut!' So I proceeded in here to the kitchen, rinsed it off with water, and realized it was a human finger, and I just started screaming,' he said."

Apparently, he started screaming, "A lawyer! A lawyer! My double-wide for a lawyer!" as later in the story we find that Clarence is keeping his toy surprise in the freezer, evidence for his impending lawsuit. It's the kind of thing that makes you proud to be an American in the 21st century.

And then you find out this is the second finger lopped off at that restaurant, by that machine, which is when, if you're like me -- and who isn't? -- you stop feeling the decline of American society, and start feeling a little sympatico with the litigating mob.

Sue on, brother. Sue on.

If HBO's Oz Is a Fair Portrayal of What Goes On behind Bars, His Already Bad Day Is about To Get Worse

A high-speed police chase ended in the children's clothing department of the Unicity Wal-Mart with a male suspect in handcuffs, a T-shirt, a G-string and little else.

The suspected car theif's physique got failing marks from cashiers who saw the man dash into the store about 11:40 a. m.

"I saw his ass and it wasn't cute," said a woman named Vicki who did not want to give her last name.

It's not that I don't trust her judgment. Having spent her working hours watching the American public moo through the Wal-Mart turnstiles, I'm sure she knows from ass. It's just that I trust the boys on the cell block more.

Until we hear from them, the debate should remain open. This guys should be able to cling to the possibility that he possesses one sweet, piece of jail meat. It's only fair. Or, as they say in law enforcement, it ain't over till the half-naked new guy sings.