It's Stuff like This That Keeps Me Surfing the Web

You may find this information incredible - but read on. It may begin to make sense once you get used to the idea. . . .

If you have ever felt, as many, many people do, that after you have evacuated, there is still something left, here is the reason:

The anal canal is UNSTRAIGHTENED when seated. Bowel evacuation when seated results frequently in OBSTRUCTIVE CONSTIPATION".

That might be true. And I don't care.

My friends, you can have the full contents of my bowels when you can pry it from my cold, dead puborectalis muscle.

That's Not a BatCave. That's a Bat Closet.

Um, Batman, Bats, look: If you can't come out to the young boy who's accenting his green lame' shorts with Peter Pan boots, who can you come out to?

P.S. Don't you love Batman's "Does this cape make my ass look big?" pose?

Welcome to Oz, E. Forbes Smiley III!

An established map dealer pled guilty on June 22 to stealing 97 antique maps, valued at over $3,000,000, from renowned libraries in the U.S. and England, including eight maps from Harvard’s Houghton Library.

E. Forbes Smiley III’s practice of visiting libraries, cutting maps out of rare books, and selling them to dealers around the world came to an end when he dropped an Exacto knife blade in Yale’s Beinecke Library last June.

When I saw the headline for this story, "Map Dealer Admits to 97 Thefts," my reaction was, "For the love of Magellan, just give the nerd the maps. Consider it reparations for creating a society in which he can never get laid." My reaction changed after I read the first paragraph, especially the adjectival clause "valued at over $3,000,000."

"$3,000,000.00"?! Fuck me.

Speaking of fucking, good luck in federal prison, E. Forbes Smiley III. I have a feeling, that when Lights Out rolls around and your cellmate's all drunk and horny and feeling a need for something warm and tight, even your reputation as the world's foremost map thief isn't going to be enough to protect you from his kisses and advances.

Hopefully, your training has given you the skill set necessary to appreciate anything, and that'll allow you to develop an appreciation for the love tickle of a prison bodybuilder and the smell of jailhouse wine on the breath of a suitor.

I know I'm rooting for you.

"Uncle Tom's Crabbin'" (with Alll Apologies to the Daily Show)

The Supreme Court struck down President Bush's plan to hold military tribunals for foreign terror suspects at the Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, naval base, saying Bush exceeded his authority by setting up the trial system without authorization from Congress.

In a 5-3 vote Thursday that brought a dramatic end to the court's annual term, the justices said Bush's plan — which would not allow a defendant to see all of the evidence against him or attend all court hearings — lacks enough protections for detainees. The court said the plan violated the U.S. Military Code of Justice and the Geneva Conventions dealing with prisoners of war. . . .

Justice Clarence Thomas then read a separate dissent, noting that never before in his 15 years on the court had he been provoked by a majority opinion to announce his dissent from the bench.

"That guy's a fucking justice?!" said an incredulous Justice Samuel Alito, expressing the impression of a 5-4 minority of the Bench (which consisted of himself, Chief Justice John Roberts, Associate Justice Antonin Scalia, and, surprisingly, Justice Thomas, himself). "I thought he was part of the serving staff."

He added in a separate statement, "I guess I'll have to find someone else to shine my shoes. Oh, I don't?! Thanks, Tommy. You're all right. What? Call you 'Clarence'? Oh, okay, if you insist."

My Trip to the Great North West Was Slightly Less Eventful

Where the Hell Is Matt?

As it turns out, he's in Seattle, too.

Boring!

In this movie, Al Gore plays a street-wise pimp trying to save his baby brother from a thug life. And he drives a pimp mobile.

Tipper plays a hooker with a heart of gold.

It should go without saying -- but it won't -- hilarity ensues.

Lomans Need Not Apply

SPERM TESTER WANTED

Sexually active couple required to test a range of sexual health products designed to change the flavour of sexual fluids.

Applicants must be willing to provide a detailed blow-by-blow public account of how the taste of their partner's sexual fluid changes during the 30-day trial.

Payment offered, but we'd rather you did it for the love than the money. . . .

Must have a good sense of taste and smell.

Test product is 100% vegetarian.

Do you normally spit or swallow?
(We don't care, but spitters have to have the goo in their mouth long enough to savour the flavour.)

Complete this sentence in no more than 15 words: "We would be great Sperm Testers because...

You do realise we are deadly serious, don't you?

Tattos by HP or "What Do You Want Infected Today?"

MRSA is an antibiotic-resistant bacteria that fights off the body's immune system and destroys tissues. The community-associated variety, seen in the tattoo infections, has been diagnosed in otherwise healthy athletes, military recruits and prison inmates.

The skin infections can be transmitted from person to person by contact with draining sores, or through contact with contaminated items or surfaces. MRSA generally causes mild skin infections, but in some cases has led to pneumonia, bloodstream infections, and a painful, flesh-destroying condition called necrotizing fasciitis.

Clusters of MRSA cases were seen in Ohio in June 2004, November 2004 and April 2005, involving 33 people. A four-person cluster was reported in Kentucky in May 2005 and a seven-person cluster was in Vermont in August.

. . .all the affected customers went to unlicensed artists. Instead of doing the work in tattoo parlors, the body art was done in the homes of the tattooists or the recipients, or even in public places such as a park.

The tattooists sometimes did not use masks or gloves, did not properly disinfect skin and did not properly clean the equipment. One Ohio tattooist used a homemade tatto gun made from a computer ink-jet cartridge and guitar strings, LeMaile-Williams [a CDC infectious disease investigator] said.

The lesson here being that if you're going to go in for an unlicensed tattoo -- you rebel, you -- go dot-matrix. You won't regret it.

Okay, there's more than one lesson to be learned here. And I'm talking to the kids, now.

Kids, if your ink artiste has a draining sore, wait a while before letting him put that "Hello Kitty-flipping-the-bird" you designed in study hall over your appendectomy scar. I'd say one or two days, at least, time enough for it to scab over. After all, what's a couple of days? More important, you don't want all the attention your tatto should be getting focused on a suppurating chancre. Remember, boys and girls, good things come to those who avoid draining sores.

If you're in a situation where you can't wait, for fear that someone else might be the first to get that "Calvin-and-Hobbes Calvin pissing down your ass-crack" design, go ahead, ink away, but keep an eye on your hired-help's open wound. If it grows while he's disinfecting your tattoo site with a little spit and a vigorous rubbing from his well-loogied hankie, excuse yourself, and use the guy two park benches down. You'll thank me when you don't have the "necrotizing fasciitis," which is a high-falutin' way of saying, "flesh-eating bacteria."

Trust me on this.

P.S. Don't you just love "Dr. Kate Heilpern, an Atlanta emergency room physician and Emory University researcher who has studied MRSA." When she said, "We are still riding a big wave of this bacterial infection, . . ." I thought, "Man, I love a woman who's excited about her work."

P.S. You Can Keep the Vibrator. . . and the Pillow. . . and the Bed. Oh, Hell, Take the Whole Damn Apartment. I'm Moving Out

Dear Roommate,

I know you were expecting me to be gone for the day. I know that I don’t usually come back to the house 15 minutes after I’ve left, but I forgot the document I was proofing last night and although I do have an ecopy of it, I needed the notes I made on that copy while we watched a movie together last night. So, I had to come back home to get it.

It was in our living room that I noticed a familiar sound coming from my side of the house and figured I might have bumped it while getting something out of my drawer this morning and it turned itself on. I was not very prepared for what had really happened. . . .

When I got to my bedroom door and you were there, face buried in my pillow, on your knees, nude with my vibrator penetrating your anus and your hand feverishly rubbing your clit, I have to admit, the sight took my breath away . . .

I think it was the David Hasselhoff-on-the-Berlin Wall photograph beside the pillow, which you obviously used to warm up, that did it. No, no, on second thought, it was the totality of scene. My bad.

Anyway, I could see you were too busy to talk and I was already late for work, so I just gouged my eyes out and felt my way to the Metro.

I'm not upset. That's not what I wanted to talk about.

All I wanted to say is, "That 'mole,' near the top of your thigh, just beneath your left butt cheek -- yeah, that one -- you should have someone besides me look at that, because (and I'm no specialist) I don't think it should be that color or shape.

Whew! Glad I got that off my chest.


Kisses,

- Your Roomie

Six Thousands Dollars Could Buy a Lot of Hugs. I'm Just Saying

Paul Sieber was wearing a 'Star Trek' uniform in the deep Virginia woods when he found himself surrounded by a leathery-looking gang.

Fortunately, the ruffians were dressed up as Klingons, and Mr. Sieber, with a cigarette dangling from his mouth, was preparing to film them with a $6,000 digital video camera. . . .

From these Virginia woods to the Scottish Highlands, 'Star Trek' fans are filling the void left by a galaxy that has lost 'Star Trek.' For the first time in nearly two decades, television spinoffs from the original 1960's 'Star Trek' series have ended, so fans are banding together to make their own episodes.

Ever wonder what your life would have been like if you'd never discovered the joys of romance, known the breathless thrill of falling in love, or felt the touch of another human being? Well, now, you know.

"Let Everyone with a Doctorate in Political Theory Take One Step Forward. Not So Fast There, Loman"

You Should Get a PhD in Liberal Arts (like political science, literature, or philosophy)

You're a great thinker and a true philosopher. You'd make a talented professor or writer.

What Advanced Degree Should You Get?

Yeah, I thought so, too. I, however, was wrong -- horribly, indubitably wrong. I can't believe my friends didn't tell me this.

I mean, they're not the type to shy away from criticism.

I Said I Love You. Stop with All the Gifts

It gives a completely new meaning to the phrase 'rock 'n' roll'. For boffins have invented a cutting-edge gadget combining a portable music player and a toilet paper dispenser.

The state-of-the-art device - called an iCarta - makes it easier for people to listen to beats while using the bathroom.

It is designed, according to the US manufacturers, to 'enhance your experience in the smallest room'.

Just another sign that god loves us and wants us to be happy.

To: B.L., From: T.M., Re: Your Recent Actions -- Cease and Desist. I Do Not Require Your Assistance. You're Just Embarrassing Yourself

Nicole Coombs, 22, says she was discreetly nursing 4-month-old Brahm at the Starbucks at 1451 Ocean Dr. when a manager ordered her out May 18.

But Starbucks spokesman Alan Hilowitz described a different sequence of events. He said Sunday that a store manager asked Coombs to leave when she refused to stop changing her baby's diapers on a table inside the coffeehouse.

''She continued to change her baby and then she was asked to leave. There was no mention of breast-feeding whatsoever,'' Hilowitz said. ``We welcome nursing mothers in all of our stores. We always have.''

Coombs maintains that the reason for her ouster was breast-feeding, not diaper-changing.

''Yes. I did change him inside after I breast-fed him, of course,'' Coombs said Sunday. ``But that's not why he asked me to leave.

Um, yeah, see, but it sure sounds like it was.

I hate to take the side of "The Man" against that of one of my comrades in the revolutions* against oppression in race, class, and gender, but sweet suckling Jesus! Come on!

You were "discreetly" breast-feeding?! Do you mean as in "careful and circumspect in your actions to avoid causing offense," "intentionally unobtrusive?" If you do, comrade, let me say in regards to your efforts, based on that picture, "Not so much."

But that's beside the point. If Brahm needs nourishment in Starbucks, by all means, nipple the lad up. That's your right: Go for it.

But you don't have a right to turn the dining area into a diaper genie. Hey, I'm sure, little Brahm's bowels produce the most adorable ass slag, but you'll have to forgive me if I don't want a skidmark to be the stain on my macchiato. Take the kid to the bathroom and the Koala Bear Changing Station, therein.

Trust me, the leering pervs will be waiting to stare at your boobs when you return.

I won't be. As you pointed out, there are top-less people in thongs walking 15 feet away, and as long as there's a possibility that one of them might decide to come in for a Frappacino, I'll be getting my over-priced lemming juice to go.

See? I don't have anything against mothers, not at all. It's more like you suggested in the concluding paragraph of that article: I fear The Titty.

*For all of you wondering, "So how's that revolution thing working out for you?" let me say, we're a academic journal article, a Milquetoast march with paper mache Cheney mask, or an NAACP boycott away from total emancipation, smart ass. I'd be nicer if I were you.

“Less Popular Game Show Catchphrases” from the Boys and Girls at McSweeney's

Less Popular Game Show Catchphrases.

BY MIKE SACKS AND TED TRAVELSTEAD

1. ‘So…do you want to lick it, pump it, or tickle it?’


2. ‘Time is running out. What's your final answer regarding this large red sore on my neck’


3. ‘Studio audience, help me out! There's only one way to win on this game show and that's to…CRAP! YOUR! PANTS!’

I use to love playing the home version of that when I was a kid.

The Wages of Sin Remain High, even as Prices Tumble

A Vatican archbishop on Thursday lamented a possible flood of prostitutes into Germany for the World Cup, saying it cheapened the dignity of women, adding, "and that's the Church's job."

Archbishop Agostino Marchetto concluded the interview with, "Tell them to get their own schtick."

Analysts Also Say that when He Saw the 500-lbs Bombs Falling Toward Him, He Mumbled "Rut Row" to No One in Particular

Earlier Friday, a senior U.S. military spokesman in Baghdad said many items had been found in raids over the past two days based on intelligence gathered from Zarqawi's safehouse, which was flattened by two U.S. bombs on Wednesday.

Maj. Gen. Bill Caldwell, speaking to reporters at the Pentagon by video-teleconference from his office in Baghdad, said that after 17 raids in the immediate aftermath of the airstrike, more were launched on Thursday. . . .

The spokesman also disclosed that Zarqawi was still alive when U.S. troops arrived on the scene after Wednesday's airstrike by an F-16 fighter. The terrorist 'mumbled a little something' and made an apparent effort to get away after being placed on a stretcher by Iraqi police, Caldwell said.

Intelligence analysts have since determined within a +/- 3% certainty that Zarqawi's mumbling translates into "And I would have got away with it, too, if it hadn't been for those meddling Americans and their ridiculous dog."

I Can't Believe that Phrase Doesn't Appear Anywhere in the Article

A sheriff's deputy who is accused of going topless at a campground has been fired and charged with indecent exposure and disorderly conduct.

Dawn Rene Roberson, 38, of Royal, was fired Wednesday after she turned herself in on the misdemeanor charges.
According to incident reports, a marine patrol deputy and a park ranger told a topless Roberson to cover up in separate encounters Sunday.

Later, authorities received a complaint that a woman without a top was in view of children.

One report said a grandmother complained that the topless woman became 'loud and disorderly' after she told the woman to cover up. Another camper told authorities the woman became belligerent when confronted.

"Alcohol was believed to be involved."

This Reactionary Rant Brought to You by the Official Blog of the German World Cup

In the cavernous back room of Munich's famous Augustiner beer hall, Heiko Hofrichter sits at one of the long wooden tables, takes a sip of his thick brew, and explains why German soccer fans just can't swallow the fact that America's Budweiser is the official beer at the World Cup, which opens today. . . .

"It's Spuelwasser!" cried Robert Paustian, 32, . . ., using the German word for dishwater. . . .

Since Anheuser-Busch's Budweiser paid $40 million for the 'pouring rights' at the 12 World Cup stadiums across the country, anti-Bud Web sites have flourished on the Internet, calling for solidarity in boycotting the American brew.

"If it's a German World Cup, the beer sponsors should be German," said Harald Paustian, 30, who was drinking a beer with his brother on a recent evening.

It's no secret that Germans love their beer -- they are the second largest per capita beer consumers on the globe, behind the Czechs. Beer halls like this one in Munich's central district are popular spots for all generations.

"Oh, bullshit!" cried Biff Loman, of indeterminant age, using the American English word for just this kind of annoying drivel.

"If the Germans want the official beer of the World Cup to be German, let them find a brewer willing and able to pay the 80 million euros to get the contract," he went on, obviously annoyed by all the umlat-ted whining. "Otherwise, they should just shut their wurst holes, and do what the rest of us do: ignore the ads and drink something else."

It's no secret that Americans love their marketing -- they are second to none in the fetishization of consumables for the masses. Events like the World Cup are popular spots for their media blitzes.

Or Whatever Comes after Red

Since Sept. 11, 2001, federal air marshals have been traveling on thousands of flights. Their job is to track suspected terrorists and deter anyone who might try to highjack a plane. But some marshals are concerned about what happened when one of their bosses was reported sleeping on a flight.

The concern is about the agent in charge of the Denver office, Tony Hedges. According to a former senior United flight attendant, Hedges, who was carrying a gun, was sleeping on a flight to Washington, D.C., . . ..

Hedges called the incident "a cockamamy lie," adding, "Sure, occasionally, when I'm on a flight, I close my eyes and check my eyelids for terrorists, but that rarely takes more than an hour or two.

"Besides, I turn the gun off right after takeoff just to be safe. I mean, geez, I'm not a complete idiot."

Secretary Chertoff, now, might be a good time to up our Terror Alert Status to "Fucked."

Two-Time Graduation Loser Stephen Colbert Speaks to the Kids

But the best reason for me to come to speak at Knox College is that I attended Knox College. This is part of my personal history that you will rarely see reported. Partly because the press doesn't do the proper research. But mostly because it is not true! I just made it up, so this moment would be more poignant for all of us. How great would it be if I could actually come back here -- if I was coming back to my alma mater to be honored like this. I could share with you all my happy memories that I spent here in Galesburg, Illinois. Hanging out at the Seymour Hall, right? Seymour Hall? You know, all of us alumni, we remember being at Seymour Hall, playing those drinking games. We played a drinking game called Lincoln-Douglas. Great game. What you do is, you act out the Lincoln-Douglas debate and any time one of the guys mentions the Dred Scott decision, you have to chug a beer. Well, technically three-fifths of a beer. [groans from audience]

Groans?! Really?! They groaned?!

For those of you Knox College graduates who did, here's a little commencement advise from Olde Biffe: Take some of your graduation money, rent a derrick, and see if you can pull that rod from your ass, because, seriously, you need to lighten up. You're much too young to be so rigid in your thinking that you groan at jokes lampooning race, class, and gender. I don't care what your professor told you.

Groaning at slights from a high-hatted position of moral or intellectual superiority, that's for old fucks with blogs. Did they teach you nothing in the last four years?!

"Meh, It's Show Business"

If you woke up today thinking to yourself you'd really like to see OJ Simpson having sex with two prostitutes then you're in luck. And also a freak of nature. Celebrity sex tape distrubutor David Hans Schmidt released an OJ sex tape on Saturday and it features such lovely scenes as OJ snorting cocaine in the bathroom with one of the women while the other goes through his pants and takes money from his wallet. . . .

Simpson's lawyer, Yale Galanter, said that while his client may appear fully clothed in portions of the tape, the man having sex 'is an imposter.' 'This tape is garbage,' said Galanter. 'And we can prove it.' Galanter added, "If the condom don't fit, you must acquit."

I was going to take the high road on this, in other words, leave that last part out of the quote, but then, I realized I was talking about OJ, and there is no high road with the Juice.

Plus, I resisted calling the sex tape a snuff film, so good on me, I say.

You Know I Pressed It Don't You? And I Continued to Press It Until. . . Well, You'll See

I thank Steve for this game.