“How Well Do You Know Spring Break?”

Whether you're going to Cancun, Acapulco, or lovely Puerto Vallarta, you know it's time to pack up your thongs and beer bongs and head south for Spring Break. But do you know what you're really getting yourself into? Take our Spring Break Quiz for all the odd history and weird facts about this suds-and-Jell-O-packed tradition.

Question 1

In 1998, an over-anxious high school senior in Portland Ore., chartered a 727 to a Mexican resort. FAA regulations were violated when...

A. Participants in a wet T-shirt competition entered the cockpit so the pilots could act as judges.

B. Students shared a tapped keg of beer with flight attendants.

C. A fake-orgasm contest was broadcast over the intercom.

D. Everyone operated their hand-held electronic devices upon take off.

Answer A. When airplane pilots can no longer judge mile-high wet T-shirt contests involving high school students, the terrorists have won.


In 1981, an under-funded, high school senior in Fayetteville, NC, hustled Coca-Cola bottles to get gas money for his Linda Blair puke-green Ford Pinto, because a female friend told him Angela Dew was at her party asking questions about him in a way that suggested she would do things with him that he'd only done with his hand at that point. (She would not.) The only things violated were his self-respect, his dignity, and his relationship with his friend, Tammy Monroe (who, if there's anything to voodoo, has died screaming in a fire by now).

When Did the Girls in Choir Get So Naughty

iBuzz Two is the world's first music-activated sex toy for couples. Plug in two sets of headphones and you and your partner can simultaneously listen to your music and enjoy the sensations from two vibrating bullets. With a skin-safe rabbit stimulator for her and a cock ring for him, only iBuzz Two gives you music-activated vibrations, 4 pulsing patterns and 11 speeds for pitch-perfect orgasms.


And I've got the pitch-perfect song for it, too:



powered by ODEO

“You Know I Only Get Minimum Wage, Right?” the TSA Officer Was Not Heard to Say

A Texas woman who claims she was forced to remove a nipple ring with pliers in order to board an airplane called Thursday for an apology by federal security agents and a civil rights investigation.

“I wouldn't wish this experience upon anyone,” Mandi Hamlin, 37, said at a news conference in Los Angeles. “My experience with TSA was a nightmare I had to endure. No one deserves to be treated this way.”

Hamlin said she was trying to board a flight from Lubbock to Dallas on Feb. 24 when she was scanned by a Transportation Security Administration agent after passing through a larger metal detector without problems.

The female TSA agent used a handheld detector that beeped when it passed in front of Hamlin's chest, the Dallas-area resident said.

Hamlin said she told the woman that she was wearing nipple piercings. The female agent then called over her male colleagues, one of whom said she would have to remove the body piercings, Hamlin claimed.

Hamlin said she could not remove them and asked if she could instead display her pierced breasts in private to the female agent. But several other male officers told her she could not board her flight until the jewelry was removed, she said.

She was taken behind a curtain and managed to remove one bar-shaped nipple piercing but had trouble with the second, a ring.

“Still crying, she informed the TSA officer that she could not remove it without the help of pliers, and the officer gave a pair to her,” said Hamlin's attorney, Gloria Allred, reading from a letter she sent Thursday to the director of the TSA's Office of Civil Rights and Liberties. Allred is a well-known Los Angeles lawyer who often represents high-profile claims. …

On its Web site, the TSA warns that passengers “may be additionally screened because of hidden items such as body piercings, which alarmed the metal detector.”

“If you are selected for additional screening, you may ask to remove your body piercing in private as an alternative to a pat-down search,” the site reads.

Hamlin would have accepted a “pat-down” had it been offered, Allred said, which alarmed the TSA officers involved. …

Allred said she might consider legal action if the TSA does not apologize. Hamlin was publicly humiliated and has “undergone an enormous amount of physical pain to have the nipple rings reinserted because of scar tissue,” Allred said.

Hamlin said her piercings have never set off an airport metal detector. She added that she will never fly out of Lubbock again.

“The conduct of TSA was cruel and unnecessary,” Allred said. “The last time that I checked a nipple was not a dangerous weapon.”


I don't know. There are some nipples I wouldn't want to see coming at me in a dark alley. That's why when I'm in unfamiliar surroundings, I stick to well-traveled, well lighted streets. Better safe than sorry.

Besides, Gloria, they didn't make her remove the nipple—just the rings. Did you even read the file?

How is it that Johnny Cochran got ridiculed from one side of the country to the other, but you've gone from one frivolous law suit to the next unscathed? The world is an amazing and mysterious place.

“Ladies, Ladies, Ladies, You've Got to Keep Your Mitts Off the Kinder”

In the past two weeks, three female teachers have been arrested in the Tampa, Fla., area, accused of having sex with male students.

First came the arrest of a middle school math teacher, Stephanie Ragusa, 28. She was charged with having sex with a 14-year-old, authorities said.

Investigators monitored phone calls between teacher and student in which Ragusa allegedly acknowledged having sex with the boy.

Last Thursday, high school honors English teacher Mary Jo Spack, 45, also was arrested. She is accused of meeting a 17- and an 18-year-old student at a liquor store and leading them to a motel room, where more students allegedly joined the party. …

And on Monday night, substitute teacher Lisa Marinelli, 40, a married mother of two, was arrested by sheriff's deputies and charged with unlawful sex with a minor. The 17-year-old victim told detectives he had sex with Marinelli 10 times. At that point, the detectives interrupted their interrogation to remind the boy that no one likes a braggart.

“Mmm, Danish”

The former political philosopher in me is dying laughing.

The 10 Commandments as a Teen Comedy

Burning bush to Moses, “What happened here was a fucking miracle, and I want you to acknowledge it.”

“It's Lewd, Egregious, Salacious, Outrageous!”

Federal court on Monday is set to hear the 2005 case of a man beaten by three Austin police officers.

Ramon Hernandez was beaten and shocked with a Taser during a September 2005 arrest for leaving the scene of an accident, a charge that was later dismissed. That following March, two of the officers involved were found not guilty of official oppression. …

Yet for Ramon Hernandez, his family and attorneys, the case was never over. They have waited nearly three years for this civil trial.

Video from a dashboard camera showed Ramon Hernandez as he was handcuffed, with his face in an ant bed, and shocked with a Taser 11 times. He was also kicked and punched more than a dozen times.

“Maybe, it's the aftereffects of the tasing. Maybe, it's the blunt force trauma. But I forgive them for what they did in my heart, and with my faith, we all make mistakes, we're all human,” Hernandez said. …

“Civil rights trials define what is acceptable in our community,” said Amber Vazquez Bode, attorney for Hernandez. “You give me one brain addled victim of police abuse on that jury, and Mr. Hernandez is gonna go home a rich man!”

The Lastest “WTF” Moment from Senator Clinton

As has now been conclusively established by video film and news photographs, Hillary Clinton did NOT come under sniper fire in Bosnia in March 1996 when she made a morale-boosting visit to U.S. troops enforcing the 1995 Dayton Peace Agreement. But she is dodging plenty of bullets for her over-dramatic accounts of the trip.


It's like she doesn't believe we have access to the intrawebs and can look this stuff up.

As Long as They Are Clean …

At UCLA, spring break officially begins today after exams, but as tradition states, on the Wednesday of finals week, students must undress and run like there's no tomorrow (it's rumored that former President Bill Clinton will join in on the next Undie Run before he addresses graduates at the main commencement ceremony in June). As usual, here's some of the craziness that took place, beginning at the Strathmore tunnel…


Clinton, huh. I expect the sell of berets to increase between now and then—cigars, too.

“Always After Me Lucky Craic…”

On St. Patrick's Day, Ohio cops seized crack cocaine that had been dyed green, apparently in recognition of the holiday. Undercover drug task force agents seized the tinted crack after they observed a drug transaction occur at a Marietta residence, according to Washington County Sheriff Larry Mincks. … the emerald green crack was packaged in small plastic bags. Asked by [The Smoking Gun] if he had ever seen drugs marketed in such a fashion, Mincks said that several years ago some dealers used food coloring to dye their crack red during the Christmas season. “It's magically delicious whatever the color.”.

Then, Bifferson Would Learn about Miranda Rights

I know we black people have a reputation for overreacting violently to the tiniest of slights—a reputation that is duly earned. After generations upon generations of having legally sanctioned indignities and injustices visited on us (for which any reaction other than acceptance was punishment—sometimes lethal), we've got a lot of frustration and anger bubbling just below the surface. We're just ticking time bombs — mushroom cloud-laying motherfuckers, motherfuckers, operating on a hair trigger, that people should be more careful around. That's not an excuse, but a plea. You see, we know this behavior is unacceptable, and we're working really hard to learn to react to daily life in a more civil manner; it's just we're not there, yet. Bear with us.

For instance, if at dinner, my kid were to respond to a routine questions like “So, Bifferson, what did you learn in school today?” with “I learned how to use my lunchbox as a toilet” the next lesson he would learn would be how to give his teacher a lunchbox catheter, using Elmer's Glue as a lubricant and a not-so-gently kicking foot as a power source.

He'd learn that and that daddy has a severe impulse-control and anger-management problems.

As I said, we're not there, yet, but we're working on it. Bear with us.

“I Had a Limp and Complained until I Met a Woman with an Ragged Rectum. Then, Not So Much”

A German retiree — not pictured above — is taking a hospital to court after she went in for a leg operation and got a new anus instead, the Daily Telegraph is reporting.

The woman woke up to find she had been mixed up with another patient suffering from incontinence who was to have surgery on her sphincter.

The clinic in Hochfranken, Bavaria, has since suspended the surgical team.

Now the woman is planning to sue the hospital. She still needs the leg operation and is searching for another hospital to do it.


Well, yeah. You wouldn't want to give those guys another crack at it (pun intended). You might wake up from your next trip under the knife to discover they'd given you a penis.

And although I'm prepared to be proved wrong on this, I don't think a “limp and a penis” is a good look on a woman (too busy).

“Step Up to Get Your Rep Up, Dog”

Needless to say, Jack did not get to participate in Steak and a Blowjob Day. Oh, well, better luck next month, Jack.

And call Alias:

Oh, I See the Problem. In Calculating the Degree of Beauty, He Forgot to Carry the Two. No Shame, There: Anyone Could Have Missed That

Italia
by pocarisweater

How can one find the most beautiful woman in Italy? A Japanese expert determined the following method:

• Find a random woman on the street.


• Ask that woman to introduce the film crew to a more beautiful friend.


• Have that more beautiful friend introduce the film crew to an even more beautiful friend.


• Repeat until one meets the 12th woman — she will be the most beautiful woman in Italy.

… but only if Monica Bellucci is out of town.

A Lady Always Crosses Her Legs Once Seated

I'm on the East Coast visiting friends, so blogging will be light. Have a good weekend.

Ferraro Is the New “Scooter”

“I'm on Hillary's finance committee. I've done a fundraiser for her here at my firm. And I went and worked the phone banks before Super Tuesday. I have to tell you, this is a very emotional campaign for me,” Ferraro said.

When the subject turned to Obama, Clinton's rival for the Democratic Party nomination, Ferraro's comments took on a decidedly bitter edge.

“I think what America feels about a woman becoming president takes a very secondary place to Obama's campaign — to a kind of campaign that it would be hard for anyone to run against,” she said. “For one thing, you have the press, which has been uniquely hard on her. It's been a very sexist media. Some just don't like her. The others have gotten caught up in the Obama campaign.

“If Obama was a white man, he would not be in this position,” she continued. “And if he was a woman (of any color) he would not be in this position. He happens to be very lucky to be who he is. And the country is caught up in the concept.”

Because if there's one thing this country loves, it's black men.

“President Loman, Your Interns Are Ready in the Oral Office”

Your Score: President

You scored 53% Campaigning, 79% Personality, and 78% Effectiveness!

After serving as a Senator for many terms you decide that its time you threw your hat into the ring to become President. After a bloody and vicious campaign you win the primaries by a tiny margain. In the national elections you are lucky in the fact that your competitor is easily misunderstood and hated by the press, you beat him by a small margain. As President you are noted for your hardwork and effective foreign policy, although sometimes those in charge of your image sabotage you. Despite this you are remembered as a liked and effective Executive.

Link: The Achievable Political Office Test

I plan to be the most vagina-friendly president this country has ever seen, holding state dinners that resemble those feast scenes from Caligula, flying a freak flag over the White House, and taking the oath of office on a copy of the Karma Sutra.

When it's morning in Loman America, it'll be time for the walk of shame.

You Go, Homegirl!

Matt Lauer: I'm sure you've seen that Hillary Clinton ad by now about an emergency call at 3:00 a.m. It features a series of sleeping children and asks who would you want answering the phone in the White House if there were trouble around the world.

Well, one little girl in the ad was eight when the video was shot for a different commercial. She's almost eighteen now, and she's here to tell us who she really would want answering that call.

Casey Knowles, good morning, nice to see you. … First of all, you did some acting, I guess, as a young kid. Is that how the footage got shot in the first place?

Casey Knowles: Right. Yeah. When I was younger, my parents got us involved in doing little acting jobs, just locally, like a little, tiny commercial here, a little, erotic movie there. I was young, impressionable, and eager to please the adults who handled and directed me. I mean, I'd do anything to get their approval and their praise. It's true, occasionally, I had to resort to drugs and alcohol to get through the rough stuff, but I never shied away from it. Admittedly, I did some really vulgar stuff. But I never did anything I was ashamed of — until now.

I can't believe they used me as an extra in a pro-Clinton campaign ad. …

*Disclaimer: All italicized comments are an artist's interpretation of Ms. Knowles actual statements. Ms. Knowles's comments had to be edited to meet The Truth*'s strict space restrictions. After watching the video, the editors are sure you will agree that through art, we were able to present the truth of her words better than direct quotations ever could.

And don't forget the “space limitations” thing. Especially if you're thinking about suing me.

(Also, seen here.)

If Those Were My Children (and That Were My Wife), I'd Go for the Vesectomy, but Only because Those Safety Scissors Wouldn't Cut My Jugular

For guys who park in front of the TV during college basketball's March Madness, the Oregon Urology Institute has a suggestion: Why not use that time to recover from a vasectomy?

“When March Madness approaches you need an excuse … to stay at home in front of the big screen,” the clinic's radio ad says. “Get your vasectomy at Oregon Urology Institute the day before the tournament starts. It's snip city.”

Or you can just call in sick with a recurring case of hoopsfluenza, like the rest of us.

But then, if you're susceptible to this type of marketing, you probably should be fixed. (Actually, you should be put down, but I'll settle for fixed.)

For the Record, I'm Extremely Vagina-Friendly—Even When Salma Isn't Around, which Is Always

New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin says he is “a vagina-friendly Mayor.”

Nagin made the remark while welcoming the author of the Vagina Monlogues, Eve Ensler to the city to promote the “V-Day” celebration in New Orleans next month.

Scheduled to appear during 2 days of educational, cultural and entertainment events at the New Orleans Arena and Louisiana Superdome, are Oprah Winfrey, Jane Fonda, Glenn Close, Salma Hayek, Sally Field, Christina Lahti and Faith Hill. …

“She (Ensler) started describing the event, and you know what, … I didn't know anything about it and she started to describe this event—look, you know I've got a script and … I was absolutely blown away at how awesome this work is. I mean, she is doing God's work. So, I stand before you, a vagina-friendly Mayor.


Way to go out on a limb, there, Mayor Nagin—or it would be, except everyone is vagina-friendly when Salma Hayek is around. So you can stop breaking your arm off, patting yourself on the back. You're as transparent as Ms. Hayek's pants.

Memememememememememe

Trolling ReeNee and LeeSee's wonderful blog (as I am wont to do), I found this website, No Smoking in the Skull Case, and this meme:

1. Go to photobucket.com


2. Type in your answer for each question into the PhotoBucket search bar.


3. Choose your favorite photo to represent your answer.


4. Copy the html and paste it here.


5. Answer only in picture form.

It seemed like the right thing to do for a Friday. (Have a nice weekend.)

1. What is your first name?



2. When is your birthday?



3. What kind of car do you want?



4. Where did/do you go to school?



5. What is your favorite season?



6. What is your favorite type of shoe?



7. What is your status?



8. What is your favorite movie?



9. What is your favorite song?



10. Who is your favorite Disney character?



11. What is your favorite clothing line?



12. What is your favorite vacation destination?



13. What is your favorite dessert?



14. What is your favorite letter?



15. What are you most afraid of?



16. What is your favorite TV show?



17. What annoys you the most?



18. What is your job?



19. What's your favorite animal?



20. How old are you?

No Wonder that Show Is So Popular

It's small, but it's fierce. … And it will swim through any canal no matter how deep or wide— perfect for bubble baths. So get your Dora Aquapet today, and have the time of your life. (Ages 5 and up. Batteries not included.)


Dora doesn't cover this on her show, but the word I think you're looking for is “consolador.”

He Wanted It. Look into Those Dark, Two-Dimensional Eyes. You Know He Wanted it

A Polish worker has come up with an unusual excuse after being caught in the act with a vacuum cleaner.

The building contractor claimed he was cleaning his underpants with Henry Hoover when he was found naked and on his knees in a hospital's staff canteen.

A stunned security guard stumbled onto the man in the middle of a compromising act with the cleaner, which has a large smiley face painted on its front and a hose protruding from its “nose.” …

The security guard, suitably horrified, told the man to “clean himself and the hoover” before asking him to leave and informing his bosses.

When later questioned by his employers, the man said he was vacuuming his underpants, which was “a common practice in Poland.” He has since been fired.


I am shocked—SHOCKED!—to find this kind of bigotry going on in this day and age. I mean, really, all the man was trying to do was clean himself in a manner consistent with his ethic beliefs and customs, and what does he get for his cultural pride? Incarceration. It's outrageous, is what it is. For shame, England. For shame!

I can't believe millions of citizens haven't jumped to defend this victim of racial prejudice. I guess, after all this time, we've learned nothing:

… They came first for the Communists, And I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist;

And then they came for the trade unionists, And I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist;

And then they came for the pervs, And I didn't speak up because I had a ball-gag in my mouth;

And then they came for me … And by that time there was no one left to speak up.

So I asked my tormentors, “Can I have the vacuum cleaner?”