Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween!
















May you have as much fun as this little guy.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

That's Why You'll Never See Me on a Nude Beach (Well, One Reason)


















Anyone in the advertising industry will tell you that it’s more fun to create ads for some products as opposed to others. Dusting polish and toilet cleaners, for example, aren’t exactly clients that most creative types are jumping up and down to work with. Condoms, on the other hand, are. But because there’s so much potential to make easy, tasteless jokes, condom advertising requires a more delicate touch; great ads should make us think a little bit harder before rewarding us with the punch line. These twenty-one ads from around the world do just that—some in more subtle ways than others.


Dude, toss it over your shoulder, tuck it behind your ear, like a hibiscus flower (what a conversation starter!), do anything but let it drag in the sand. Of course, one sandy ejaculation later, you'll know the benefit of my suggestions from that cold bitch, experience. But this once, learn from someone else's. Geez.

Do you always have to reinvent the wheel? I tell you, kids today…

I Wish Washington Were a Contested State. (Go Tar Heels!)


It's time to elect a president. For the first time in decades, North Carolina could be in play. If you live in North Carolina, look around you.

Hog farmer: I vote because I'm a god-fearing hog farmer. And there's a bunch of same-sex hog coupling going on on my hog farm. I mean, ignore the teats on this'n'. Imagine this'n's a boy and that'n's a boy.

Some of these people are your neighbors. They plan to vote.

Husband: I vote to keep whites in power.
Wife: Hail, whites forever!

Do you plan to vote? Please vote. It's the only legal way to cancel out your neighbors.

Everyone has there own reasons for voting. Make yours a good one.

Vote.

Ah, Progress


Molly was kind enough recently to share a heartwarming story with me relayed to her by two dedicated volunteers going door to door to get out the vote. The lady of the house answered the door and was cordial to the campaign workers. When they asked her who she thought she would vote for in the upcoming presidential elections she yelled back in to her husband to inquire who they were voting for. This piece alone intrigues me as I cannot imagine my spouse ever deferring to me in this manner, nor do I think she should just for the record. At any rate, the reply came immediately from within, “We're voting for the nigger”. The woman unfazed by this answer repeated it to the campaign workers “We're voting for the nigger”.


That's how badly the Republicans have fucked up. People who find us a lower life form are planning to vote for one of us to lead them. Is this a great country or what?

As disheartening as it is, to know your fellow citizens think of you as less than human, it is not so disheartening that I can't take comfort in it, knowing our fellow citizens will turn to us in a time of need—truly desperate need, apparently. That I can write that is further testament to how badly the Republicans have fucked up. As humiliating a vote as it is, I'll gladly take it. If you can't win on your merits, win on their faults. As the Raiders say, “Just win, Baby. Just win.” The nigger president is still the president.

He Really Is a Hard Man to Love



Chris Matthews: You know, I've always said this to people who are tough on the racial front. You know, everybody grows up in their own way. And I'm not passing moral judgment on anybody. And I know we all grow up in this country which is so bothered by race—and we just all are to different degrees—and… Just think about it as you're examining your conscience. What do you want black people to do?
You want them to grow up well, raise their kids well, pay attention to their kids, raise them well, accept responsibilities as a parent, do everything right. This family has done everything you've asked them to do. What more do you want before you're going to vote for a black guy?

That's the question, isn't it? As paternalistic and subtly racist as his rant is, eventually, it gets to the heart of the “undecided voter” issue.

And, yes, I know, he is a University of North Carolina Tar Heel, too. What can I say? We're not all perfect.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

“Incest and Rape Are No Longer the Golden Tickets to Abortions. Good to Know



Samantha Bee: John McCain has final put the health concerns of women right where they belong—in derisive air quotes.

Or as John Stewart likes to call them “dick fingers.”

Seriously, how is McCain still in this race?

Is It Me, or Was that Frog Kind of Sexy?


Are you a girl? Is it Halloween? Then, why don't you come down to Girls's Costume Warehouse? We got every kind of girls costume for Halloween: Sexy witch, sexy devil, sexy cat. (Sexy cat: “It doesn't take much to make me purr”)

We got literally every girl's costume in the entire, goddamn universe: Sexy pharmacist, sexy construction worker, sexy fireman, sexy referee, sexy nun, sexy detective.

Not all our costumes are sexy. Check these out: sexy mustard, sexy palace guard, sexy Jesus, sexy Wolverine, sexy Abe Lincoln. (Sexy Abe: “Wouldn't you like to fourscore with me?”)

Get up off your ass and get the fuck down here! I've got shit over here I'm trying to fucking sell!

Sexy pope, sexy lobster, sexy mental patient, sexy nineteen hundred steel conglomerate tycoon, sexy sexy, and frog.



Man, I love Slut-o-ween, almost as much as I love Slutsgiving.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

“Well, before You and Your Boyfriend, Lance Bass, Head Off to the Next Clay Aiken Concert, Why Don't You Feast Your Eyes on Mama's Jugs”,

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Graham Norton got a copy of the script for the soon-to-be-released porno Who's Nailin' Palin?, and had guests Thandie Newton and Ricky Gervais do a line reading. Now, I love Ricky Gervais, but porn readings are a Thandie world, and he's just lucky to have a speaking part in it. Trust me: she's much better in this than she was in that smoking turd of an Oscar-winner Crash.

I'd read porn with her anytime.

Wait for It. Wait for It. Wait for It. …


You're welcome.

Monday, October 27, 2008

It's Funny until You Find Your Drunk Neighbor Telling Your Scarecrow, “You Got a Purty Mouff”














I'm adding nothing, here. What, after all, could I say? Words fail, which is fine. Sometimes, you just have to left art roll over you.

I'm usually Searching for Klingons


Amy Sedaris: I've prepared something for you. I'm a big fan of your show. I've read both of your books. So … I decided that based on your books you need to know about vaginal cleansing.

When I first started off acting and, you know, you needed to prepare a monologue, I would go to
Our Bodies, Our Selves. You know that book? I never got a part based on those monologues, but, at least, it was educational.

They have one in there about vaginal cleansing, so my friend
Todd Oldham, who is a designer, …

Chelsea Handler: Now, wait: this is the front of the Pekachu?

Amy Sedaris: You're here. This is your anus.


Yep, on the schematic, for some reason, I'm always the glowing, red dot on your anus. Just my lot in life, I guess.

Charles Manson Didn't Kill Anyone, Either. He Just Made It Seem Like a Good Idea


Law enforcement agents have broken up a plot by two neo-Nazi skinheads to assassinate Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama and shoot or decapitate 88 black people, the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco Firearms and Explosives said Monday.

In court records unsealed Monday in U.S. District Court in Jackson, Tenn., federal agents said they disrupted plans to rob a gun store and target a predominantly African-American high school in a murder spree that was to begin in Tennessee. Agents said the skinheads did not identify the school by name.

Jim Cavanaugh, special agent in charge of ATF's Nashville field office, said the two men planned to kill 88 black people, including 14 by beheading. The numbers 88 and 14 are symbolic in the white supremacist community.

The men also sought to go on a national killing spree after the Tennessee murders, with Obama as its final target, Cavanaugh told The Associated Press.

“They said that would be their last, final act —that they would attempt to kill Sen. Obama,” Cavanaugh said. “They didn't believe they would be able to do it, but that they would get killed trying.”



I'm sure it took little to incite Jed and Jethro, here, to action, just as I'm sure the inflammatory language of the vice presidential candidate played a part. Well played, madam.

Friday, October 24, 2008

That's Surprising. Terry's Usually Kind to the Women Folk

terry tate


“You can't come up into my house and kick my my Constitutional right to privacy and take away my tax cuts. Yo' bitch-ass must be crazy!” –Terry Tate, Voting Linebacker

Continuing Old Home Week with “The Andy Griffith” Show

See more Ron Howard videos at Funny or Die


Opie: Hey, Pa.

Andy: Hey, Ope. Looks like you've got something on your mind, son.

Opie: Pa, why are people so set on staying on the same road that's been messin' us up for so long.

Andy: Well, Ope, people are funny. Sometimes, change scares them. They'd rather keep on doing the same old thing that's messin' them up than change to the thing that can help 'em.

Opie: Like the time I wanted to fish for lake trout using peanut butter and jelly as bait.

Andy: That's right, Ope. You got stubborn, and wouldn't switch no matter what I said.

Opie: When I'm a grown up, I sure would like to vote for someone as good as Mr. Obama.

Andy: Well, if you stay healthy and strong, avoid any felonies, and stay away from the Butterfly ballot, I bet you'll get a chance.

But make sure the Republican secretaries of state haven't kicked you off the roles, too, because those provisional ballots are worth bupkis.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

I Now Have Two More Reason to Vote for Obama


Senator Obama was doing press interviews by telephone in a holding room between events. Sometime later as he was getting ready to begin his event, he asked me if I was photographing his shoes. When I said yes, he told me that he had already had them resoled once since he entered the race a year earlier. Providence, R.I., 3/1/2008.

Travels With Barack



Four years ago Time photographer Callie Shell met Barack Obama backstage when she was covering presidential candidate John Kerry. She sent her editor more photographs of Obama than Kerry. When asked why, she said, “I do not know. I just have a feeling about him. I think he will be important down the road.” Her first photo essay on Obama was two and half years ago. She has stuck with him ever since.


This a wonderful—poignant and sentimental at times, hopeful and toothachingly sweet at others (the family shots are almost too much). These photos capture all the the emotions behind the public actions on display in a political campaign and they do it without losing sight of the very special people at the center of it all.

My very favorite shot, though, is not of Senator Obama. It's a reaction to him.


Shell says, “These two boys waited as a long line of adults greeted Senator Obama before a rally on Martin Luther King Day in Columbia, S.C. They never took their eyes off of him. Their grandmother told me, ‘Our young men have waited a long time to have someone to look up to, to make them believe Dr. King's words can be true for them.’ Jan. 21, 2008.” You can see that in the picture. You can see they are admiring a hero, and you can tell they believe in everything he represents. If they believe they are inferior, if they believe that their futures will be determined by anything other than hard work and excellence, they don't show it, not in their eyes, not in their dress, not in their bearing. They are hope personified, which is why that picture is my favorite: I remember what it is like to be one of those kids.

And I respect what their parents (grandparents?) have done to keep them that way, because I now understand and respect what my parents had to do to keep me hopeful and believing in the dream after Martin Luther King was assassinated.

But I digress.

It's a great essay. If you get a few moments, check it out. I'd love to hear which photos are your favorites.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Be the "I" in "C-L-_-T-O-R-I-S"


















A man's got to do what a man's got to do. Play the Cl_toris, and let the tiles fall where they may.

Even if it kills your Southern Baptist mother.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Wasilla, Alaska: Maeth Capital of the Great State




Jason Jones: There's only one way to get a sense of the real America. … So I headed to Wasilla to see what the rest of us were missing. From its Mom-and-Pop general store to the Alaska & Wasilla sodie fountain, from its purple mountain peaks to friendly old Main Street, Wasilla had it all. …

And, of course, the bedrock of small towns, faith.

Wasillian (rhymes with villain): Smaller towns got a lot to offer. Good people, good morals, …

Jason Jones: You're a Church-going folk?

Wasillian (still rhyming with villain): Yes, I am.

Jason Jones: This guy wore his morals right on his sleeve.

Wasillian (you know the drill): [pointing to his incredibly sexy tattoos, some showing partial nudity] This one here, this is my ex-wife. During the time with my ex-wife, I was messing around with this one (points to a tattoo of a woman shushing the viewer). It's like she's telling you not to tell. Then, this is a girlfriend that I had (tattoo of a nude woman), and it looks almost identical to her.


Jason Jones: But don't let Wasilla's bucolic perfection fool you: The town's top job is anything but easy.


Seriously, come for the unsuspecting, hypocritical rube; stay for the clueless mayor.

David Sedaris, a Raleigh Native: Clearly, It's Old Home Week, Here, at The Truth*


I don’t know that it was always this way, but, for as long as I can remember, just as we move into the final weeks of the Presidential campaign the focus shifts to the undecided voters. “Who are they?” the news anchors ask. “And how might they determine the outcome of this election?” …

To put them in perspective, I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. “Can I interest you in the chicken?” she asks. “Or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it?”

To be undecided in this election is to pause for a moment and then ask how the chicken is cooked.
I mean, really, what’s to be confused about?



A lot of websites are linking to this article today. Although the whole of it doesn't live up to that observation, that observation, I thought, was enough to recommend it to you. So there.

Monday, October 20, 2008

And to Celebrate the Occasion, Rick's Lounge Let All Black Men with Diplomas Touch the Girls (Two-Drink Minimum, Sadly, Was Still Enforced)


FOXWORTH, MS—Despite obeying the posted speed limit and having all inspection, registration, and insurance documentation up to date, Sen. Barack Obama's campaign bus was stopped for nearly four hours by Marion County deputy sheriff Dewey Clutter while en route to a Jackson, MS speech, sources reported Tuesday.

According to those on board the bus—including various journalists, members of the Secret Service, and Obama campaign staffers—several minutes passed before Clutter exited his cruiser. Witness statements all mention hearing the sheriff's jackbooted footsteps along the gravel roadside as he slowly approached the vehicle's passenger side. These reports also assert that, prior to reaching the front of the campaign bus, the sheriff paused momentarily to smash the right rear taillight of the bus before dragging his still-drawn baton along the entire length of the vehicle.

"Where's the fire, son?" Clutter, 42, was overheard saying to the Illinois senator and 2008 Democratic presidential nominee. "Driving like that in these parts, what with a busted taillight and all, fella like you liable to get hisself into a whole mess a trouble."

Obama protested briefly before Clutter interrupted the graduate of Columbia University and Harvard Law School, brusquely informing the senator that he could "detain [Obama's] uppity ass for 48 hours without charging [him] with shit."

"Huh. Illinois," Clutter said while scrutinizing Obama's driver's license from behind a pair of mirrored aviator sunglasses. "You a long way from home, ain't ya?"

"Now Barry, someone 'bout your height, 'bout your skin color knocked over a Piggly Wiggly up in New Hebron just a coupla hours ago," Clutter continued. "But you wouldn't know nothin' 'bout that, now would you?"

Clutter then turned to Obama's wife, Michelle, looked her up and down, and wiped his mouth with a handkerchief.



Obama was in my hometown of Fayetteville, yesterday. While there, in addition to police harassment, the presidential candidate most likely got a new tattoo, a check cashed, and his ass kicked for thinking he was better than everyone else—because he got that college degree and all. Since it was a Sunday, he probably also got a lap dance, a venereal disease, a snake bite, and a knife wound that won't heal for a while (especially if he doesn't stop playing with it), but only if he went to church. No one needs to know about the 60-inch HD television he got for $5, the new campaign bus (and all he had to do was agree to take over the payments), and the best barbecue sandwich he's ever tasted (from a place that isn't really a restaurant, although you can exchange food for money there if you flash your lights in the driveway twice and order like you know what you're doing). You can't get out of Fayetteville without doing that stuff.

To quote the Rev. Billy, two wrongs don't make a right except in Fayetteville on a Saturday night. Man, I miss home.

From the Raleigh, NC CraigsList


An Open Letter From Your Local Adult Store Clerk



Dear Adult Store Shoppers,

Maybe you want to buy some pornography or maybe you'd like to purchase some condoms, lube, lingerie, toys, games or whatever other merchandise we carry. That's great, and I hope you find what you want in the store, but please, avoid these pitfalls and be a good customer.

1. If you are a needy as hell customer who asks me to check movies before you rent or buy them to make sure you will like them, I will secretly hate you. All of our movies have people fucking in them. Usually 2 or more people! This much you should know. Now do the following: Look at the box cover. Is it appealing to you? No? Stop, put the movie away and pick up another and try again. Yes? Good! Now, turn over the box. Do you see those other pictures? If none of those appeal to you, don't rent the movie. If they appeal to you, rent it, take it home, wank to it, be happy. If it's not to your liking, shut the fuck up and rent another movie. I really don't care if it wasn't appropriate wanking material up to your fine and high pornography standards. This isn't a restaurant where you can send something back if you don't like it—it's a porn store.

2. If you return movies that you rented with unidentified substances on them, you are a nasty motherfucker who should get hit by a bus. I get paid $9.00/hour, which is not enough to clean up your spunk. Wash your hands before you take the DVD out of the player, you nasty ass son of a bitch. After you return that nasty jizz covered movie, I will curse you loudly, put on 2 pairs of latex gloves, use copious amounts of cleaning supplies and then put a nasty note in your account about how you are a nasty asshole who can't return a movie the way we gave it to you—clean and DNA free. Then, everyone who works in the store knows what a nasty person you are.
So for the love of Christ, wash your nasty hands and have some respect for the people who work here.


Okay, okay, I said I was sorry. You didn't have to tell the Internet on me. Damn.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Go Tar Heels!

CHEERLEADER OF THE WEEK


Name: Lauren Joyner
Hometown: Elon, N.C.
School: UNC, Chapel Hill
Year: Junior
Major: Speech and hearing sciences


I love my school, but I almost went to:
Nowhere else! I've been a Tar Heel since birth!

My best physical feature is:
My legs.

If I had to watch one movie on loop forever, it would be:
Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

If you looked at the "most played" songs on my iPod, you'd see a lot of:
The Goo Goo Dolls and Third Eye Blind.

My gameday superstitions are:
I always make sure to wave at my family and take pictures with Mom before pre-game and I usually check my earrings about fifty-million times to make sure they're still in.

The talent I'd most like to have that I don't possess is:
Acing tests without studying, or being able to sing well — Then I'd want to be on Broadway.

These three things top my bucket list:
Becoming fluent in Spanish, traveling everywhere and flying down from the castle as Tinkerbell at Disney World.

I'd want my last meal to be:
Ssteak, salmon, mac and cheese, quesadilla with black beans, carrots with ranch and one of those cookie sandwiches with tons of icing stuffed in the middle. And a water. I eat a lot!

Three things I'd take to a desert island are:
Good food, Harry Potter 7 and my little brother, Drew!

My favorite sport and professional sports teams are:
Soccer is my favorite, but I definitely love Carolina basketball. Arsenal FC!

My worst habit is:
Picking wedgies in public.


Oh, honey, extremism in the defense of your ass is no vice, and moderation in the pursuit of wedgies is no virtue. Barry Goldwater said that—well, sort of—and if anyone knew about picking wedgies in public, it was Barry Goldwater. That's why his message still rings true to this day: wisdom grounded in practical experience. Trust me. I'd tell my own daughter the same thing—you know, if I had a daughter. (Can you imagine? Great Googlely Mooglely! Uh, remind me to schedule a vasectomy for later in the week.)

Friday, October 17, 2008

From Isabella Rossellini's Green Porn Series


If I were a bee, a queen bee, I would be very fat and do nothing else but lay eggs. The unfertilized eggs would hatch my sons; the fertilized eggs would hatch my daughters…

If I were a male bee, I wouldn't have a father, and I would be called a drone. I would have many brothers, and we would do nothing—just waiting to have sex.

“A female! Ready to mate! Sex!”

We, brothers, would fight.

“I'm the strongest!” I would fly after her. I would mate her in flight; it's our nuptial flight.

But pulling out from her—OH!—my penis would break off. It would get stuck in her vagina like a cork in a bottle. But it would prevent other males from mating with her.


Man, that sounds like high school all over again. Been there, Isabella; done that.

And, yes, Ms. Rossellini, you can feed me the Royal Jelly anytime you want. Just tell me where that line forms. (Wear the stinger.)

I Expect Obama to Channel Jackie Childs on Nov. 5: “This is the Most Public of My Many Humiliations”



Seth Myers: As Barack Obama gains momentum, some Democrats are worried about the Bradley Effect, a term named after former Los Angeles Mayor Tom Bradley, an African American who lost the election for governor despite showing a significant lead in the polls.

Here to comment is the Rev. Jesse Jackson.

Jesse Jackson: Greetings, Seth and Amy.

The Bradley Effect is a reality that is, both, unavoidable and unequivocal. It is a phenomenon that we all hope will not become an obama-non. According to a recent CNN/Yahoo! poll, when voters are asked “Would you elect an African American president?” 87 percent responded “Yes.” But when asked a follow-up question “Really?” the number dropped to 30 percent.

And that's still more than I would have guessed. Progress, is what I'm saying.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

By the Way, Sheila Raines of San Bernardino, Fuck You


A San Bernardino County Republican group has distributed a newsletter picturing Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama on a $10 bill adorned with a watermelon, ribs and a bucket of fried chicken.

Linking Obama to demeaning racist stereotypes drew denunciations from various GOP officials after the illustration appeared in the October newsletter of the Chaffey Community Republican Women, Federated, the Riverside Press-Enterprise reported Thursday.

Diane Fedele, president of the group, said she had no racist intent.

“I never connected,” she told the newspaper. “It was just food to me. It didn't mean anything else.”

Fedele said she had received the illustration in e-mails and decided to reprint it to poke fun at a remark by Obama that he doesn't look like other presidents.

“It was strictly an attempt to point out the outrageousness of his statement. I really don't want to go into it any further,” Fedele told the newspaper. “I absolutely apologize to anyone who was offended. That clearly wasn't my attempt.”


Ah, that new American classic: “I absolutely apologize to anyone who was offended.” Well, Diane—may I call you, ‘Diane?’—non-apology non-accepted.

And the Neighbors Will Only Shake Their Heads and Say, “He Needed Killin'”


What’s in a name? Politics, if you ask proud new father Mark Ciptak of Elizabethton, Tenn. …

“I don’t have a million dollars,” Ciptak said.

So he chose to endorse his favorite candidates for president and vice president by naming his daughter after the Republican ticket.

“I decided to actually name her Sarah McCain Palin,” he said. “I’m totally McCain all the way.”

A blood bank employee for the American Red Cross, Ciptak said he chose the name to show his support and to encourage others to vote.

But Sarah McCain Palin is not the name Ciptak and his wife, Layla, originally agreed upon.

“I sort of secretively went behind her back and changed the paperwork,” Ciptak said.

Ava Grace was the name originally chosen by the couple. …

Ciptak said he had no regrets at the time.

“The very next day, though, I did feel bad, my conscience set in,” he said.

Although the stroke of conscience failed to override his decision, he did admit to one concession.

“I was actually gonna name the baby John McCain, even as the girl, but I thought that was maybe too overboard,” he said. “I decided to actually name her Sarah McCain Palin, figuring hopefully I would get two weeks in the doghouse rather than two months.”


Did you hear something? No? Probably not, what with the glare of publicity and the din of the media attention. But, dude, I swear I just heard the sound of a No. 10 can of mouth-breather stomping whoop-ass being opened. Yep, there's no doubt about it. Your wife is coming to kick your ass.

Thank god for Sarah McCain Palin, then. Because if I know Tennessee women who marry human skid marks like I think I do, the first thing you can expect from your better half is for her to kick those “Sneaking behind My Wife's Back”-sized pebbles you call testes so far into your thoracic cavity that you won't see them again until they come dribbling out of the new asshole she's going to tear you. (Start checking your stool with a fine sieve next February, maybe, next March.) They won't be much use to you after the journey as far as reproduction is concerned, so, as I said, thank god you already have the one child.

A wife, though? Oh, yeah, dude, you've lost her.

Say It Ain't So, Joe




Joe the Plumber, America's most famous tradesman, said Thursday he doesn't have a license and doesn't need one.

Joe Wurzelbacher, better known as Joe the Plumber, the nickname Republican John McCain bestowed on him during Wednesday's presidential debate, said he works for a small plumbing company that does residential work. Because he works for someone else, he doesn't need a license, he said.

But the county Wurzelbacher and his employer live in, Lucas County, requires plumbers to have licenses. Neither Wurzelbacher nor his employer are licensed there, said Cheryl Schimming of Lucas County Building Regulations, which handles plumber licenses in parts of the county outside Toledo.

Wurzelbacher, who voted in the Republican primary and indicated he backed McCain, was cited by the GOP presidential candidate as an example of someone who wants to buy a plumbing business but would be hurt by Democrat Barack Obama's tax plans. Wurzelbacher said he was surprised that his name was mentioned so many other times. …

Wurzelbacher, 34, said he doesn't have a good plan put together on how he would buy Newell Plumbing and Heating in nearby Toledo. …

In Toledo on Sunday, Wurzelbacher told Obama that he was preparing to buy the plumbing company, which earns more than $250,000 a year, and said: “Your new tax plan is going to tax me more, isn't it?”

Obama said that under his proposal taxes on any revenue from $250,000 on down would stay the same, but that amounts above that level would be subject to a 39 percent tax, instead of the current 36 percent rate.

Wurzelbacher said Obama's tax plan wouldn't affect him right now, because he doesn't make $250,000. “But I hope someday I'll make that,” he said.


And I hope you don't. Presently, you're getting the ass-end of things, and, frankly, you deserve it. You continue to support the people who benefit from your ignorance rather than support the people trying to give you and the people like you a fairer deal. Because you do, you deserve to toil away continuously for a brighter future your every political action works against. You spend your time in the political arena pimping for the Man because you irrationally believe you'll be the Man someday. I'd hate to see you get rewarded for that.

My guess is, though, that you will be. What's the going price for a Republican shill these days?

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Four Score and … Aw Hell, We Had a Good Run












I love this take on a Palin presidency. It's kind of funny (especially the diploma thing). Just don't let her answer the phone, and everything's fine. (Oh, and if you open the door and see the deer, don't click on it: you've been warned.)

“A Six-Year-Old with a Future in Elected Politics Tackles a Tough Question”


Written by COPPER SMITH


Q: Did you pee in the fishbowl again?

A: That’s an excellent question and I want to thank you for the opportunity to sit and talk with you at the Lego table. I’ve always felt that the hardworking taxpayers of this household deserve straight answers regarding their fishbowl urination-related concerns.

My opponent and older brother, Tyler, in an effort to distract the parents of this household from the real issues—like the still unanswered questions regarding the whereabouts of Mom’s scissors—has brought up the issue of my misguided urination adventures. But what he doesn’t tell you is that not only did he support fishbowl-peeing programs with irresponsible double-dog daring, but, in addition, he’s had his own history of inappropriate urination.

Here are the facts: My opponent has, in the past, engaged in peeing in such locations as the bathtub, the clothes hamper, and even his own crib. …

He’s also remained out of touch on such vital issues as the continued presence of monsters in my closet and their suspected advance to the area under my bed.

I say it’s a time for a change of leadership in this household. …


The guys at Yankee Pot Roast thought everyone could use a little humor in prepping for tonight's debate. I concur.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

And the Winner of the Crazy-Assed Grandma Contest Goes To…



[CNN REPORTER]: His father was Muslim, and he’s a Christian.


Quinnell: Yeah , but he’s still got Muslim in him. So that’s still part of him.

That's true. I remember when the researchers mapping the human genome discovered the Muslim gene. “Eureka!” they shouted. “Right where we thought it would be, beside the Goat-Herding Kenyan gene. Good work, everyone.” It was a great day for Science and all humankind.

Loman for … Whatever, Really.


In just 22 days these stickers will either be the vinyl badge of a proud, hyperpatriotic, and enthusiastic America, or a sad reminder of dashed Hopes.

Don't wait to reap the dividends of tomorrow's Sorrow; invest in your Dreams today!


And if you like your sexual partners the way you like your coffee—and if you like your coffee black and just a little bitter—have I got the guy for you.

Monday, October 13, 2008

“ ‘ What Is a Box of Hammers?’ for $200, Alex”


Levi Johnston, who's having a baby with Gov. Sarah Palin's daughter, can't believe all the things he's hearing. No, he wasn't held against his will on the campaign trail. No, he's not being forced into a shotgun wedding with 17-year-old Bristol Palin.

“None of that's true,” Johnston, 18, said in a rare interview with The Associated Press. “We both love each other. We both want to marry each other. And that's what we are going to do.”

Standing in the driveway of his family home in this small Alaska town, Johnston spoke about the rumors swirling around him.

The soft-spoken teenager discussed his relationship with Palin and how life has changed with fatherhood fast approaching. He agreed to talk despite the presidential campaign's advice in the days following Gov. Sarah Palin's nomination to avoid the media.

“They're not telling me anything right now,” Johnston said as he checked his Blackberry. “It's pretty chill.”

Not surprisingly, Johnston was a little shocked when he learned about Bristol's pregnancy, but he says he quickly embraced the prospects of fatherhood. The baby is due Dec. 18. Johnston has dropped out of high school to take a job on the North Slope oil fields as an apprentice electrician. …

Johnston said he wasn't forced to campaign with Palin's mother. Bristol Palin invited him and Johnston jumped at the chance. It was a whirlwind experience for Johnston, who was seated with the Palins at the Republican National Convention.

“At first, I was nervous,” he said. “Then, after I realized I was there because I'd been lucky enough to toss my seed into a pot of gold, I was like, ‘Whatever.’

*Of Course, My Chances of Seeing God Are Slightly Worse than Yours


In North Carolina there is a famous old liberal named Dean Smith, who coached the Tar Heels for a million years before retiring to become a bleeding heart. He has officially endorsed Barack Obama for president which, according to Wonkette reader Kelsey, means “It’s over in NC.” Coach Smith’s exciting email [follows].

There is a point in every contest when sitting on the sidelines is not an option. That is why Linnea and I are writing to urge you to join Barack Obama’s campaign for President. There are pivotal moments in history when the right decision by a nation can change its course for the better — opening up new paths before us and providing future generations with opportunities that we had not thought possible. This coming election provides one of those moments. Linnea and I believe Barack Obama is the right leader at this critical juncture. I have written that when coaching a team, you must be prepared to make changes to meet new challenges and obstacles. We must be prepared to do the same as a nation. Now, it is the United States that needs a change in direction… and a change in leadership. Join Barack Obama today by volunteering in your corner of North Carolina:

http://nc.barackobama.com/jointhesmiths

Linnea and I respect all that Senator McCain has done for our country. However, we feel strongly that it is Barack Obama who offers the real leadership our nation needs to tap its potential as a land of opportunity — even as we face difficult times at home and abroad. Senator Obama is a patriotic American, a committed Christian, a good family man, and a man who shares the bedrock values that most North Carolinians have in common: fairness, hard work, respect for others, and personal responsibility. And he has the vision and judgment to help us push through this period of uncertainty to a time of greater economic stability and greater security from threats abroad. If you believe America needs to set a new course, then the time to join us is now. If you are already an Obama supporter, please step up to help our campaign. There are only about three weeks left before Election Day, and if we are going to move away from the failed policies of the past, then we need your help now. So we encourage you to get out there and get involved — talk to your neighbors and sign up to volunteer today.

Get involved now: http://nc.barackobama.com/jointhesmiths

And pass this email along to those you think might be interested. This election is too important to stand on the sidelines and watch history pass us by. Thank you,

Coach Dean Smith and Linnea Smith
Chapel Hill, NC


Michelangelo was wrong. God does not have white hair and a beard, and if he's holding up a digital signal to man, it's the four fingers needed to signal the Four Corners Spread offense (or, possibly, a fist, to signal he's tired, because I can certainly understand where after all of man's fuck-ups, he would be). If there is a god, He looks like—and very well may be—Dean Smith.

If he doesn't, I don't want to see him.*

Friday, October 10, 2008

“Isoke? It Means ‘Hairy,’which Will Become Evident when I Show You My Lempopo”
















DRINK FOR CHANGE



WHAT: A party and fundraiser supporting the Obama/Biden campaign

WHEN: Tuesday Oct 21st from 7pm-10pm

WHERE: The Ballroom at 456 36th Ave N in Fremont

We're putting the FUN in fundraising with a night of drinking, playing, and winning in support of Barack Obama. This is a great chance to donate or just blow off some steam with friends and fellow Obama/Biden supporters.

  • DRINK! Complementary pints of Fat Tire Amber Ale. Two per guest while supplies last.

  • PLAY! Half-price pool, Nintendo Wii bowling, and Trivia all night long.

  • WIN! Door prizes, trivia prizes, and "Bowl Obama's score" contest.

  • Plus pizza, drink specials, and high definition TVs if there's a game that night.


  • Suggested donation is $20. There will be forms available for contributing during the party or donate now using the button on the right. Give what you can. All are welcome. Twenty-one and over.


    Ahhh. That's so sweet. They think they can drink for change, guzzle their way to a better day. Isn't that darling? It's cuter than home-made shoes. I think I might barf a box of kittens, or piss a rainbow, smile, or whatever it is you adorable optimists do when the sun shines your blood into treacle.

    Gosh darn it, haven't those kids considered for one minute that if drinking made it so, my friends and I would have drunk us all into a perfect Biff-topia by now? That they haven't is so tooth-achingly sweet I think… No, I… Yep, I did. I just shit a marshmallow. (It sprouted little wings and turned into a Peep. Ahh.)

    What's that you say? “Does that mean I'm not going?” No, it doesn't. One, it's not my job to step on dreams. Life does that just fine without any help. Two, there will be drunk idealists in a mood for revelry. Who in his right mind would pass up that. So, yeah, I'm going. I'm going to have a couple of ales, and then I, Isoke Obama, am going to share amazing and heart-warming tales of growing up with my brother Barack with every attractive, young do-gooder that gives me a chance. You should come.

    Thursday, October 09, 2008

    And a Chill Goes Down Al Green's Spine


    52-year-old Maverna Theresa Turay of Bradenton, FL was arrested at her home yesterday because she poured a pot of boiling hot water on her husband's crotch area! Maybe she was in the mood for some hot dick?

    Maverna told police that she thinks her husband has been cheating on her ass, so she busted a hot load on his groin while he slept. She also admitted that she had been boozing before the incident. Maverna didn't need to say that. Her glazed eyes already confirmed that little tidbit.

    She was charged with aggravated domestic battery. Her husband is in fair condition at a local hospital.

    Maverna didn't let a little thing called “getting arrested” get in the way of a hot mug shot. This is how you do it. Yes, Maverna knows that she's about to spend the night on the concrete floor of a jail cell, where prostitutes and junkies will probably try and sit on her face. She knows all of this, but she's going to smile for her mug shot like she means it.

    Nothing says “I burned my husband's dick and I don't give an eff” like a smiley mug shot.


    The dude got lucky. In the South—not Florida—generally, they use hot grits instead of water, and in Fayetteville, NC, where I'm from, they put lye in the grits, so not only does the lying-cheating-bastard salve stick to the suspect, it chemically burns him as well. From then on, every woman he's fortunate enough to sleep with knows that in the past, he cheated on a lover(s).

    Which is why in my hometown the men aren't shy about telling you, if you have to cheat on a girlfriend, make sure you cheat on your white girlfriend. The Sisters? Not so much. That's a lesson for all you cheating kids out there.

    Because that's who I blog for—the kids.

    Wednesday, October 08, 2008

    There's a “Stuffing Her Ballot Box” Joke to be Made Here, but I Won't Make It.


    Everyone—even 6'5" dudes—is planning on being Sarah Palin for Halloween this year. …

    But don't just throw on a wig and glasses—there are so many angles on dressing up as Sarah!

    Beauty Pageant Palin: …we got ahold of PR at the Ricky's Halloween store. She suggested this. “We've created a Sarah Palin costume. It's a sash that says ‘Ms. Alaksa’ on one side and ‘Ms. Vice President’ on the other. It comes with glasses.”


    And don't forget the flute. Just think of how many Levi Johnstons you'll pull with that instrument and this line: “And this one time, at band camp.”

    You're welcome.

    Monday, October 06, 2008

    Just as Joe Biden Won the Debate


    Gwen Ifill: Good evening. I'm Gwen Ifill. Welcome to Washington University in St. Louis, Missouri for the first and only 2008 Vice Presidential debate between the Republican nominee Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska and the Democratic nominee Joe Biden of Delaware. Let's welcome the candidates. …

    Now, tonight's discussion will cover a wide range of topics, including domestic and foreign policy matters. Each candidate will have ninety seconds to respond to a direct question and an additional 2 minutes for rebuttal and follow up.

    As moderator, I will not ask any follow-up questions beyond “Do you agree?” or “Your response?” so as not to appear biased for Barack Obama in light of my new book The Breakthrough: Politics and Race in the Age of Obama, coming out on Inauguration Day and available for pre-order on Amazon.com.

    And finally, we would like to remind our audience that due to the historically low expectations for Gov. Palin, were she simply to do an adequate job tonight and at no point cry, faint, run out of the building, or vomit, you should consider the debate a tie.


    Tina Fey does a great job as Palin, no question, but Jason Sudeikis as Biden steals the show.

    Seriously, Barry Bonds Use to Wear Them.


    In case you were wondering what Grace Jones is up to … She's up to one thing: it's called AWESOME, and masks are involved.


    Well, duh. Mask are the steroids of AWESOME

    I Don't Have High Hopes for the $700 Billion Bailout. Why Would I?
















    Many events in Washington, on Wall Street and elsewhere around the country have led to what has been called the most serious financial crisis since the 1930s. But decisions made at a brief meeting on April 28, 2004, explain why the problems could spin out of control. The agency’s failure to follow through on those decisions also explains why Washington regulators did not see what was coming.

    On that bright spring afternoon, the five members of the Securities and Exchange Commission met in a basement hearing room to consider an urgent plea by the big investment banks.

    They wanted an exemption for their brokerage units from an old regulation that limited the amount of debt they could take on. …

    The five investment banks led the charge, including Goldman Sachs, which was headed by Henry M. Paulson Jr. Two years later, he left to become Treasury secretary. …

    The decision, changing what was known as the net capital rule, was completed and published in The Federal Register a few months later.

    With that, the five big independent investment firms were unleashed. …

    The commission’s decision effectively to outsource its oversight to the firms themselves fit squarely in the broader Washington culture of the last eight years under President Bush.

    A similar closeness to industry and laissez-faire philosophy has driven a push for deregulation throughout the government, from the Consumer Product Safety Commission and the Environmental Protection Agency to worker safety and transportation agencies.

    “It’s a fair criticism of the Bush administration that regulators have relied on many voluntary regulatory programs,” said Roderick M. Hills, a Republican who was chairman of the S.E.C. under President Gerald R. Ford. “The problem with such voluntary programs is that, as we’ve seen throughout history, they often don’t work.” …

    “We foolishly believed that the firms had a strong culture of self-preservation and responsibility and would have the discipline not to be excessively borrowing,” said Professor James D. Cox, an expert on securities law and accounting at Duke School of Law (and no relationship to Christopher Cox).

    “Letting the firms police themselves made sense to me because I didn’t think the S.E.C. had the staff and wherewithal to impose its own standards and I foolishly thought the market would impose its own self-discipline. We’ve all learned a terrible lesson,” he added. …

    Last Friday, the commission formally ended the 2004 program, ….

    “The last six months have made it abundantly clear that voluntary regulation does not work,” Mr. Cox said. …

    Mr. Cox declined requests for an interview. In response to written questions, including whether he or the commission had made any mistakes over the last three years that contributed to the current crisis, he said, “What part of ‘My bad’ did you not understand?


    It, like this post, is a little long, but it's essential reading for anyone interested in playing the Blame Game. And let's face it: if you're reading this blog, that means you.

    Friday, October 03, 2008

    Librarian Porn, Is There Nothing You Can't Do?

    The point is, she doesn’t know shit about shit. She has opinions — uninformed ones — and she’s sticking to them come hell or high water. I pity the poor bastards that had to prep her for tonight’s debate with Joe Biden. And while I wasn’t taken with her performance, I will give them credit. They made an organized mess out of a disorganized disaster. So there’s that.

    The truth is that Palin didn’t answer any questions she didn’t want to tonight, and she said she’d do exactly that at the start of the debate. She had a hand full of index cards and a brain full of buzz words, and it was her job to say them all in front of the camera. Actually, it was her job to say them while looking at Joe Biden for five seconds, then looking at the camera for five seconds, and then looking back at Biden to start over again. It was like she was on a timer. One of the many things she’d probably been coached on after the whole flap about McCain not looking Obama in the eyes.

    I choose to leave you (at 4:30 in the morning) with the following flow chart. Doubtless, it will grow prettier and more robust over time.


    I was in the minority after the McCain-Obama debate. I deemed it a draw, not because McCain was impressive and Obama wasn't, but because I thought Obama would crush McCain and he didn't. I was crestfallen—until I saw the polls. The viewing public and I were using different standards, it seems. In snap polls conducted after the debate, the viewing public deemed Obama the clear victor.

    This time, I thought Biden defeated Palin—indubitably—and this time, I'm in the majority. The viewing public deemed Biden the winner.

    You'd think that would make me happy, and that Biden defeated Palin does do that. It's the being the majority that has me saddened. I don't know what to do when everyone agrees with me—except what I usually do to feel alienated and special.

    Thursday, October 02, 2008

    I'm Going to Take a Shot and Fill My Spaces with Shot Glasses. I Don't Know What Path Others May Take, But…














    Play PALIN BINGO© at your VP Debate Party:

  • Give each player their own unique PALIN BINGO card (choose from below or make your own)

  • Whenever Sarah Palin says word or phrase in one of your boxes, check it off.

  • If you check 5 boxes in any straight or diagonal line, you win PALIN BINGO!

  • The center box, “Air Space” is free. Go ahead and check that off right away.

  • For extra points, try and score a “Media Black-Out”, by filling in all the boxes on your card!



  • Wednesday, October 01, 2008

    Oh, Please Make It Stop



    Couric: Why, in your view, is Roe v. Wade a bad decision?

    Sarah Palin: I think it should be a states' issue not a federal government-mandated, mandating yes or no on such an important issue. I'm, in that sense, a federalist, where I believe that states should have more say in the laws of their lands and individual areas. Now, foundationally, also, though, it's no secret that I'm pro-life that I believe in a culture of life is very important for this country. Personally that's what I would like to see, um, further embraced by America.

    Couric: Do you think there's an inherent right to privacy in the Constitution?

    Palin: I do. Yeah, I do.

    Couric: That's the cornerstone of Roe versus Wade.

    Palin: I do. And I believe that individual states can best handle what the people within the different constituencies in the 50 states would like to see their will ushered in an issue like that.

    Couric: What other Supreme Court decisions do you disagree with?



    Well, let's just be grateful she didn't go off the reservation and respond with the 13th, Amendment, which although not a Supreme Court decision, it has to be considered a possible response, given her command of logic and her understanding of government.

    For instance, “federalism” is not the “belief (scary) that states should have more say in the laws of their lands and individual areas.” Federalism is the term for a political system in which power is shared between the federal government and the governments of the individual states.

    In the United States, the federal governments powers consist of the ones enumerated in the Constitution and the laws passed to give those powers form. Any powers not expressly given to the federal government by the Constitution or created by the laws needed to carry out those powers belong to the people or the state governments. Thankfully, since the Fourteenth Amendment, all civil rights enumerated by the Bill of Rights and the Amendments to the Constitution are also enjoyed by citizens regardless of the state in which they live or are. States can give citizens more rights, but they cannot give them fewer. Finally, our system of government states that the federal powers trumps state powers when the two conflict, and not only that, the federal government, in the body of the Supreme Court, resolves the conflicts when the powers collide.

    So you can't cite federalism as the reason why you disagree with the outcome of Roe versus Wade without pointing out where the federal government has overstepped its stated bounds. That's what Katie was getting at with her follow-up question “Do you think there's an inherent right to privacy in the Constitution?” (The Court had already decided the right existed and that the right to privacy encompassed reproductive freedom eight years before Roe in Griswold v. Connecticutt) If the right does not exist in the Constitution, then the federal government has no say in the matter. The right to privacy, to exist at all, would have to be defined—or not—by the states. There would be no federally guaranteed right to an abortion. But you can't agree there is an inherent right to privacy in the Constitution AND then say you disagree with Roe versus Wade on federalist grounds.

    The federalist response is just a Republican talking point. McCain used it on The View to dodge the question of whether he would appoint justices who supported overturning Roe v. Wade. Apparently, federalism makes you appear smart and knowledgeable on this issue, when really it's just a smoke screen to hide the fact that you want to overthrow Roe v. Wade, but you don't want to take responsibility for saying so.

    “Oh Luke, You Wild, Beautiful Thing. You Crazy Handful of Nothin'.”



    Paul Newman, one of the last of the great 20th-century movie stars, died Friday at his home in Westport, Conn. He was 83.

    The cause was cancer, said Jeff Sanderson of Chasen & Company, Mr. Newman’s publicists. …

    He acted in more than 65 movies over more than 50 years, drawing on a physical grace, unassuming intelligence and good humor that made it all seem effortless.

    Yet he was also an ambitious, intellectual actor and a passionate student of his craft, and he achieved what most of his peers find impossible: remaining a major star into a craggy, charismatic old age even as he redefined himself as more than Hollywood star. He raced cars, opened summer camps for ailing children and became a nonprofit entrepreneur with a line of foods that put his picture on supermarket shelves around the world. …

    Mr. Newman’s filmography was a cavalcade of flawed heroes and winning antiheroes stretching over decades. In 1958 he was a drifting confidence man determined to marry a Southern belle in an adaptation of “The Long, Hot Summer.” In 1982, in “The Verdict,” he was a washed-up alcoholic lawyer who finds a chance to redeem himself in a medical malpractice case. …

    Few major American stars have chosen to play so many imperfect men. …

    “When a role is right for him, he’s peerless,” the film critic Pauline Kael wrote in 1977. “Newman is most comfortable in a role when it isn’t scaled heroically; even when he plays a bastard, he’s not a big bastard — only a callow, selfish one, like Hud. He can play what he’s not — a dumb lout. But you don’t believe it when he plays someone perverse or vicious, and the older he gets and the better you know him, the less you believe it. His likableness is infectious; nobody should ever be asked not to like Paul Newman.” …

    Mr. Newman’s last screen credit was as the narrator of Bill Haney’s documentary The Price of Sugar, released this year. By then he had all but announced that he was through with acting.

    “I’m not able to work anymore as an actor at the level I would want to,” Mr. Newman said last year on the ABC program Good Morning America. “You start to lose your memory, your confidence, your invention. So that’s pretty much a closed book for me.”

    But he remained fulfilled by his charitable work, saying it was his greatest legacy, particularly in giving ailing children a camp at which to play.

    “We are such spendthrifts with our lives,” Mr. Newman once told a reporter. “The trick of living is to slip on and off the planet with the least fuss you can muster. I’m not running for sainthood. I just happen to think that in life we need to be a little like the farmer, who puts back into the soil what he takes out.”

    Now, I love Redford, and when he passes, that will be a sad day, too, but it won't be as sad as last Saturday. It'll be a long time before a day is as sad as that. Newman was one for the ages.