As Usual: Out of Paper

This one was created at the request of one of my cousins and it was a big hit at breakfast with the family. I guess toilets are inherently funny, Allie got a big laugh out of it. I made it by stacking a bunch of layers all together, a few chocolate chips at the bottom of the bowl complete the effect.




Dude, you spend waaaaaay too much time thinking about ways to get your 3-year-old to eat her pancakes, but in this case, it was time well-spent. Well played, sir.

Sorry. I'm on a Lewis Black Kick at the Moment

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Lewis Black: “On the list of things that we have to worry about, Same Sex Marriage is on Page Six, after Are We Eating Too Much Garlic as a People.”

“Turn On the Cameras. Let's Start the Freak Show”

Whenever I hear Pour Some Sugar on Me, I feel compelled to strip. This isn't an issue that comes up often. I've been a high-functioning pervert—stripper clean and thong free since '93, when the song all but disappeared from the airwaves. Still, to this day, whenever I hear it, my clothes become encumbrances, and I become a burning hunk of churning funk, a writhing, grinding danger to my employment opportunities and relationships.

I don't know why that is. Maybe, I wasn't hugged enough as a child. Maybe, I was hugged too much. Maybe, I have unresolved Daddy issues. And, maybe, I just like dropping my ass like it's hot onto a stage covered in sweaty dollars to the delight of strangers. Thinking about it just makes my head hurt.

You probably don't understand where I'm coming from. That's okay. Conan does.

Whew, is it me, or is it hot in here?

Because What Americans Need is More Confidence

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Voice Over for the narrator of Waiting for Superman: For these kids, there only chance for getting into a great school depends on whether their number is picked in a lottery.…

Lewis Black: Unfortunately, for those kids who aren't picked, it won't be the last time they pin all their hopes on winning the lottery.

Lewis Black went to school inside an empty carton of Pall Malls (which, sadly, still beats where I went to high school).

He also went to my alma mater, The University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill, where he majored in Raging Bitterness. (That was my minor.)

Bonus Sexy Points for the Crossword Puzzle.

They once asked, “How Ya' Gonna Keep 'em Down on the Farm (after They've Seen Paris)?”

Well, there is the Loman Method:

1. Raise hot farm girls.


2. Train them in the art of the da' sexy


3. Have a bourbon. Relax. (You've earned it.)

Well played, Austria.

“Sorry, Fellas! She's Taken”

I love her so much.