When Did Ass Fucking Become Gay? Oh, Competitive Ass Fucking. Thanks for Clearing that Up

Bryan Safi: Is Johnny Weir too gay for figure skating? Wait. Is that even possible.…

Figure skating is the gayest sport of all time. In fact, let's take a look at where it falls on our official sports sexuality spectrum. On the hetero- extreme, there's football, then hockey, then baseball, then tennis, croquet, wrestling, ascot-tying, scented candle-making, competitive ass fucking, figure skating.

The sport is gay. Deal with it.


Honest to god, if it weren't for Johnny Weir, I wouldn't have watched a minute of Olympic figure skating, but after I saw Johnny wearing that outfit with the merry window corset, epaulets, and tassel for his short program , looking very much like Frankenfurter on ice, two thoughts went through my mind: one, why can't tomorrow be Halloween? and, two, I am never changing this channel.

So he didn't medal in figure skating. Big Deal. Injustices like that can happen when you leave the outcome of sporting events to judges. There's nothing I can do to rectify that, but I can try to alleviate the sting of the loss.

To that end, starting today, Johnny Weir is the Truth*'s Man of the Week.



Just let me know where to send the trophy, Johnny.

Yeah, I Know. I'm Getting Help.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Ricky Gervais
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Crisis

Ricky Gervais: If we were in prison, … If you had to choose—toss a coin— would you rather be mommy or daddy?

Jon Stewart: In modern times, mommy still has to work and also do the duties. I think, daddy, because there's moments where I could say I need to be by myself.

Ricky Gervais: Okay. Then, come over here and suck mommy's cock.


Yikes. That just brought back some painful moments from my childhood, as did seeing Jon spitting, not swallowing.

* Thanks Jezebel for the entry.

I'm on a Horse, Too, with Two Tickets to that Thing You Like

Wow. That guy is the greatest pitchman since, well, this guy:

Happy Valentines Day!

Bret: If you want me to,
I will take off all my clothes for you.
I'll take off all my clothes for you
If that's what you are into.

Jermaine: How 'bout him
In the nude
If that's what
You're into?
In the nude in front of you:
Is that what you'd want to do?

If it's cool with you,
I'll let you get naked, too.
It could be a dream come true
Providing that's what you are into.

Is that what you're into:
Him and you in the nude?
That's what he's prepared to do.
Is that the kind of the thing that you think you might be into?

And then maybe later,
We'll get hot by the refrigerator.
In the kitchen next to the pantry,
You think that might be what you fancy?

In the buff,
Being rude, doing stuff with the food.
Getting lewd
With his food:
We heard that's what
You are into.

And then on our next date,
Well, you could bring your roommate.
I don't know if Stu is keen to,
But if you want
We could double team you.

How 'bout you
And two dudes —
Him, you, and Stu in the nude—
Being lewd with two dudes and food?
Well, that's if Stu's into it, too.

All the things I'd do,
Things I'd do for you,
If I only knew
That's what you're into.


It was the most romantic song I could find.

Nobody Puts Aretha in the Corner of the Car

You know I loves me some Aretha Franklin, so it should come as no surprise that I'm jealous of the actor in this commercial, because it would be a highlight of my life to catch a backhand from the Queen of Soul.

Oh, man, how sweet would it be to be on a road trip with Aretha Franklin? That's now playing on a loop on my daydream video player—me and the Queen driving around the country solving crimes. No, wait: that's too industrious. Me and the QoS driving around the country, going from town to town, eating Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles. That's the ticket. Awesome.

dook 64, CAROLINA 54

Yeah, they got us this time, but we'll get them on the re-match in March. Because they suck.

Go Heels!

I Can See Why Booth Shot Him

Drunk History

On March 22nd, Jen Kirkman drank two bottles of wine and then discussed an historical event.

Derek Waters Presents
Drunk History

Jen Kirkman: Today, we're going to talk about Frederick Douglas

Frederick Douglas: Abraham Lincoln, I am Frederick Douglas. I am a former slave who…

and he's like,

Abraham Lincoln: Shhh. I know. I get it. It's been explained to me. I've been following your career forever. Be quiet. I'm into it. Let's talk.

Ahh. Just in time for Black History Month.

“I Do Not Have a Small Penis. Paula Jones Has a Big Mouth” – Bill Clinton/Phil Hartman

Larry David: Oh! I didn't even tell you. I ran into somebody you went out with.… She's Lewis' nurse.

Jeff Garmin: Lisa Thompson?

Larry David: Yeah, you had a little thing with her, didn't you?

Jeff Garmin: Yeah, yeah, didn't work out.

Larry David: She told me you had, erm, [Holds up the international and ASL sign for small penis]

Jeff Garmin: No, no, no. [Holds up what will become the international and ASL sign for big vagina. Trust me. It's going to be a thing.]

Larry David: Big vagina?

Jeff Garmin: Gigantic vagina! … Biggest vagina known to man! HUGE!

Larry David: You're kidding? Are you telling me the truth?

Jeff Garmin: It's gigantic. Gigantic.

Larry David: So why is she going around making this accusation?

Jeff Garmin: Because, maybe, she's afraid that you'll find out that she has a big vagina. Why would she even do that? I don't know.

Larry David: Nipping it in the bud.

Jeff Garmin: How dare she?! I'll tell you what. I betcha' there's a ton of guys out there who've been labeled with small penises. I betcha' fifty percent … And it's the big vagina.

Larry David: Think of it biologically. Why shouldn't there be as many big vaginas as there are small penises? Right?

Jeff Garmin: These big vagina ladies are getting away with murder. Something should be done. I don't know what can be done, but something should be done.

Larry David: We're a helluva lot more discreet then they are, aren't we? They can't do this [Holds up the international and ASL sign for small penis again] enough.

Jeff Garmin: Oh, they love it. They love it.

Larry David: Well, you know what? This is me from now on. [Holds up the international and ASL sign for big vagina. Told ya'. It's going to be a thing.]


Hm, that's odd. You would suppose that there would be as many big vaginas as there are small penises, but I don't know. I've never seen a big vagina.

For some reason—luck of the draw, a six sense, mutant power—I've only encountered small vaginas, sometimes painfully so, in my exploits. I don't know what to make of that.

Yep, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

[Shifts eyes to the left. Adjusts tie. Inspects nails. Checks the sky for signs of rain, etc.—anything to avoid making eye contact with anyone seeking follow-up information on this.]