Because I Do Find Her Sexy

She Gotta Bump - watch more funny videos

To all you pregnant ladies I direct this rhyme
Whethereight-month preggers or just got the blue line.

You got hormonal imbalance, feeling fat and gassy too
But there's one man here who wants to get with you, see.

Don't want no flat stomachs or hour-glass figures
Want to get with a woman who's preparing to deliver

See, I'm a man obsessed with givin' the loving'
But only to women with a bun in the oven.

Your belly's looking fine, and the extra weight, nice
I wish that I could make you pregnant twice.…

Your body so beautiful, makes me wanna grind
With your milk-producing breasts and expanding behind.

You think its awkward, but we'll make it our mission
To get our freak on in some brand-new positions.

With the woman on top and the side-by-side,
You could even flip it around for a cowgirl ride.

I'll be real gentle and there'll be no rushin'
To make sure we avoid a fetal concussion.

Ohhhhhh-oh, don't wanna' bruise your baby's head.
Don't wanna' punch your cranium, don't wanna' get it in the head.

She gotta' bump.

Man, there's a lot of baby talk around this blog lately. My biological clock must be ticking.

As a Friend Once Said to Me as He Explained Why His Children Were so Well-Behaved: “Biff, Even the Simplest Organism Understands Pain”

What a great book! It's from the Baby Be of Use series, and what can I say about that other than “Well played, my friends,” because I can't think of a better use for a baby than as a bartender. (That's way better than doorstop.)

I know, I know. I hear you: “Biff, babies get a little heavy-handed with the Vermouth.” That's true, but if the research of B.F. Skinner has taught me anything, it's that when it comes to babies, perfect Martinis are just a few well-timed tasings away. (It's called tough love, people, and it didn't harm me none.)

When I think about how useful babies could have been to me, I regret having never been a father.

And You Made the Baby Jesus Cry

David B. Stone Sr. and his wife, Tina, made no secret about the fact that they were part of a militia, neighbors say.…

“In Michigan, I don’t think it’s that big of a deal to be in a militia,” said Tom McDormett, a neighbor.

Tom, seriously, you're going to play the All God's Chilluns Gots Militia card? Seriously?

Hold that thought while I go to the indictment.

In an indictment against the nine unsealed on Monday, the Justice Department said they were part of a group of apocalyptic Christian militants who were plotting to kill law enforcement officers in hopes of inciting an antigovernment uprising, the latest in a recent surge in right-wing militia activity.

The court filing said the group, which called itself the Hutaree, planned to kill an unidentified law enforcement officer and then bomb the funeral caravan using improvised explosive devices based on designs used against American troops by insurgents in Iraq.

Is it a big deal now, Tom, or is everyone in Michigan locking-and-loading and chomping at the bit to get his Armageddon on?

If that's the case, let me point this part out to you:

The Hutaree Web site features the motto “Preparing for the end time battles to keep the testimony of Jesus Christ alive” and a video showing rifle-toting men in camouflage running through woods and firing weapons.

“Jesus wanted us to be ready to defend ourselves using the sword and stay alive using equipment,” the Web site says, adding, “The Hutaree will one day see its enemy and meet him on the battlefield if so God wills it.”

From your arrest and imprisonment, I'm guessing He doesn't. Based on how things turned out, I'm guessing your bat shit crazy talk scared Him into dropping a dime on you.

(By the way, if you're starting a pool on which strategy will be deployed first in their legal defense, put down $10 for me on Play the Race Card. I'm good for it.

“Penis Kisses” Is the New “Peace Out”

Sin-thia: Oh, hi.

Been a while since anybody's given a high five to your vagina? Do you want to feel, deep, sensual intimacy with someone other than your cat? (No offense, Sprinkles.)

Is your cervix covered in moss, guarded by a tiny, mean-spirited leprechaun?

Hi, I'm Sin-thia, and I'm a professional dating professional. And I'm here to help you.

I guarantee that if you follow my dating tips that within the first week, you'll have a steamy night of S-E-X-Y. Come on. Trust me.

After that, how could I not? I don't have a vagina, but if you're willing to work with me, I'm willing to learn.

Penis kisses!

Nope, Still Looking at Your Chest, Ms. Cotillard, but Nice Try

Forehead Tittaes w/ Marion Cotillard from Marion Cotillard

In America, anything is possible. It is the land of opportunity, a place where dreams come true.

But women in America must still deal with sexual objectification wherever they go—especially in the workplace.

French women have known for centuries that to earn a man's respect, you must make him look you in the eyes.

Introducing Forehead Tittaes® by Janae, France's best-kept secret.

Lab test prove that Forehead Tittaes® actually redirect the male gaze from the chest to the general area of the brain.

Forehead Tittaes'® sleek, elegant designs earns their respect without sacrificing your femininity. Forehead Tittaes® are safe, reusable, and easily applied.…

Forehead Tittaes®: Make them almost look you in the eyes.

Announcing the opening of the first Tittaes® bar in three, two, …

For the LawGuy

I need to make a comeback.
I ain't worked in years.
The good times are over.
Someone call Norman Lear.

I made my rounds in the Hollywood circles.
But now I'm getting dissed by Urkel.

Unemployment is overpowering.
Maybe, Mickie Ds is hiring.
At this point, I would beg or steal.
For some of Thelma's oatmeal.…

So why does Mama always scream and shout?
J.J., get your ass out!
Mama gon' kick me out!
Mama gon' scream and shout!
Gonna' smack me all about.
Mama gon' kick me out.


I think he and I were the only ones that ever thought this was funny.

Of course, Baby Got Snacks remains my favorite.

I'm tired of magazines saying you always gotta' be lean.
You want to put a big girl in a real good mood,
She gotta' have some food.