Yeah, That's Why I Never Got into Lost

Why isn't there more fucking on this island?
Don't they know that they could have all this?
I should plow that ass before I smother them with gas.
I'm evil, but I still have needs.

Amen, brother.

I was taught that Christianity was founded around the first question asked of god in the bible: “Am I my brother's keeper?” and that its teachings go on to the answer the question. (It's “Yes.” Yes, you are.) I can see why that is so appealing for so many people.

But for me, any religion that hopes to win my soul has to have a more sensual question at it's center. Now, I'm not saying “Why isn't there more fucking around here?” is right for everyone, but if a community of like-minded others wanted to get together and explore the rapturous nature of that mystery every Sunday morning, using a book that answers the questions for us with stories and parables and testimonies and pop-up cutouts, I would be interested to know where they would be meeting. (And I'd be willing to bring the holy lube.)

Nero Fiddled. Biff Baked

Dear Children of the World being Kept Alive by U.N.-Supplied Gruel,

You know how much we've helped you, and, no doubt, it's led you to ask yourself what you can do to show your thanks in return. Here's what you can do.

You know how we've wired your schools and public spaces. Well, to say, “Thanks,” this Thanksgiving, stay off the Internet, and if you can't do that—say, you have a project or Nigerian Prince scam that needs attending to—if the Internet can't be avoided, then just don't google “Thanksgiving” or search for it on YouTube. I'd appreciate it. I think everyone else would, too.

It's not that we're trying to hide anything. It's just that we don't want to hear your hearts break while we're trying to eat our second and third helpings of pig stuffed with five kinds of fowl (turkey, duck, chicken, cornish hen, and quail) and meat gloop. It's bad for the digestion.

Sincerely,
Biff Loman

Let the Eye Glazing Begin

No, I get that you're having a bad day, but here's what I don't get—whether you're having a normal bad day or a Nic Cage bad day? Just so you know, if you're not having a Nic Cage bad day, I'm probably going to lose interest in the rest of your “I'm having such a bad day” story.

It's True. You're Not a Whore if It's for Charity.

“It's that time of year again. It's November, the time of year where men everywhere are sprouting patchy, little lip sweaters for Mo-vember. Movember is a cause in which men grow mustaches to help fight testicular and prostate cancer.

But you know who also hates cancer? Women hate cancer.

• Cancer is a real a-hole.


• Cancer steals titties.


• Cancer steals balls.


• I saw Cancer kick a dog.


• Cancer loves Glen Beck and it hates nachos.


• Cancer gave me crabs, and didn't even call me back. Thanks alot, Cancer.

As a woman, what can I do?

• Most women can't grow a mustache—you know, I can't grow a full mustache.


• Sure, I can grow a beard and a few hairs on my boobs, but that's it.

Women can have sex with a guy who has a mustache. That's why Asylum.com has established the women's answer to Mo-vember—Have Sex with a Guy with a Mustache Day…You're not a whore if it's for charity. So women of the world, on November 18th, we ask you—we beg you!—bone down with a dude who has a mustache.

Together, we can eradicate cancer. Use your vagina to make a difference. Cancer doesn't stand a chance.

All right. Here's my sacrifice. Here's me throwing myself on the grenade, taking one for the team. If any ladies out there have trouble finding a mustachioed-American to bone down with, you can call me. I'll brush the crumbs off your cookie. Because that's the kind of guy I am—generous to a fault. One day, it'll be the end of me, but until then, I'll continue to do what I do. What can I say? I'm a giver.

"Party in the Back Philosophy"

There's just no stopping an idea whose time has come.

If You Think I'm Going in There, You're Crazy

Meet Melissa Lee Williams. The West Virginia woman, 41, is facing assault and weapons charges after allegedly waving a knife at two men who declined her demands to engage in sexual conduct at a West Virginia motor inn.…

According to investigators, Williams—who lives four doors down from her estranged husband at the 77 Motor Inn—showed up at his door and asked Danny Williams and another man to “eat my pussy.” At this point, Williams, pictured in the mug shot at right, “commenced to undress herself,” reported Deputy Ross Mellinger.

While Danny Williams “declined said invitation,” the other man, Adam Watson, told cops that he “agreed to perform at her request.” However, as Watson approached Williams, “he became overwhelmed by horrible vaginal odor emitting from Melissa Williams.“ Watson, understandably, “declined to proceed any further.”

This is when Melissa Williams allegedly “produced a lock-back folding knife,” opened it, and pointed the weapon at her estranged husband. She then reportedly uttered a line never before memorialized in a police report: “Somebody is going to eat my pussy or I’m going to cut your fucking throat.”


If I'm hearing that, it can only mean one thing. It's Friday night. You'd think it would get old, but it never does.

By the way, Ms. Lee, we have a saying around Fayetteville, which you would be smart to take to heart. It goes like this, “If you're going to invite people over to eat, you've got to wash your dishes.” Those simple words have allowed the women of Fayetteville to keep their knives tucked away until they really needed them—like when they wanted to cuddle.

*Thanks to PK for sending this to me

Fuck Me, I Loves Me Some Shatner

And when Shatner isn't rocking the mike, George Takei is.



I'm an unabashed Star Trek: The Original Series fanboy, but who knew these guys would still be on the scene forty years later.

Live long(er) and prosper, Kirk, Sulu.

Jackie's Back

Introducing Jackie Chiles: For the People from Jackie Chiles

“There's nothing better for you and worse for that person trying to take advantage of you than for you to have Jackie Chiles on your side.”


Well, duh.