Shameless Political Plug

I hate everyone better than I am, so, yeah, it's a long list, and this guy is at the top of it. That's why I'm voting for him: I like my presidents to be better than I am — better educated, better prepared for governance and leadership, more intelligent and handsome, more loving with his friends and family, the whole shebang-a-bang.

I don't want him to be common. I don't want him to be like me (holy fuck, no!), nor do I want him to have a beer with me. (He would probably be quicker with a joke, a better teller of stories and lies. That would depress the hell out of me.)

Nope. I want him to be uncommon, superior. I want him to be a colossus by comparison. Otherwise, I might as well be president. (See holy fuck above.)

She's Talking about Sex, Right?

Right now, I think you'd like to hear something from us nice and, uh, easy. I'd like to do that for you, but there's one thing. You see, we never, ever do nuthin' nice and easy; we always do it nice and rough.


We're going to take the beginning of this song, and we're going to do it easy, but then, we're going to do the finish rough. That's the way we do “Proud Mary.”

This comment is not a slight on Tina Turner's talent, but, honestly, if those three women backed me up at work, I'd be the best at my profession, too, walking away from my desk at the end of the day breathless, sweating, and spent, my co-workers thanking god they were there to see me me write.

I think I'll bring this up at my next performance review.

Yes, Grandma, They're Going to Find Me in a Shallow Grave. I Know

The Newton County Sheriff’s Office is investigating why a couple was confronted at gunpoint by neighbors and then arrested and forced to spend the night in jail when they tried to move into the home they had just purchased, Channel 2 Action News reported.

The Kalonji family had just closed on a foreclosed home and were told by their real estate agent they should go over to the house and change the locks.

But when Jean Kalonji and his wife, Angelica, started working at the home, an armed man and another person who appeared to be the man’s son allegedly confronted them.

“He say to put the hands up and get out from the house, otherwise he would shoot us,” the husband told Channel 2.

The neighbors didn’t believe the couple when they told them they had bought the home and called the Newton County Sheriff’s Office. The Kalonjis didn’t have the closing papers with them, so deputies arrested them, charged them with loitering and prowling and took them to jail.

So, the rules of post-racial America are these:

1. If you're young and black, don't wear hoodies.
2. If you're black and own a home, don't forget to carry your title with you at all times
3. If you're black and have any concern for your health and welfare, limit your contact with white people. Those mofos are crazy.

That pretty much covers it.

Oh, my grandmother is calling from the great beyond to say, you should especially stay away from white women, but I never listened to her when she was living and I don't recommend that you do now that she's passed. (There's nothing in her ethereal voice to suggest death has made her any saner.)

"The Most Enjoyably Cantankerous Notes Ever Posted in the Workplace"

Debbie, I think they're on to you.

“Come with Boss Man. Make Big, Sugary Cookie,” He Didn't Say

Man, advertising gets fun when it doesn't have America's puritanical discomfort with the human body dragging it down. This South Korean ad for Oreo cookies, credited to ad agency Cheil Worldwide, features an image that would send this country into apoplectic shock (breastfeeding and an exposed nipple!). It also stars a surprisingly charismatic baby whose face suggests he totally knows what's happening here and is OK with it.

That baby does have the look of a fetishist who's been walked in on in the middle of his kink, which, apparently involves young women from Craig's List who will nurse him in exchange for Oreos, that he holds tantalyzingly out of reach of their mouths until he's finished. (“Can't touch it till you earn it.” That's the rule.)

Unsurprisingly, I'm okay with that.

“May the Good Lord Take a Liking to You and Blow'd You Up Real Good”

“Coke versus chainsaw,” “Coke versus bullet”: Man, the Danes really don't like Coke.

But the best way to sum up this video is to quote its tag line: “Stupidity Captured at 2500 Frames per Second,” which, by the way, is the new title of my autobiography. (Sorry “It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time.”)

The disclaimer is pretty good, too: “Do not try this at home (or at work).”

USA! USA! USA!

The U.S. Secret Service is investigating allegations of misconduct by agents who had been sent to Cartagena, Colombia, to provide security for President Obama’s trip to a summit that began there Friday.


Edwin Donovan, an agency spokesman … declined to disclose details about the nature of the alleged misconduct. But Jon Adler, president of the Federal Law Enforcement Officers Association, said the accusations relate to at least one agent having involvement with prostitutes in Cartagena.


The Washington Post was alerted to the investigation by Ronald Kessler, a former Post reporter and author of several nonfiction books, including the book “In the President’s Secret Service: Behind the Scenes With Agents in the Line of Fire and the Presidents They Protect.”


Kessler said he was told that a dozen agents had been removed from the trip. He added that soliciting prostitution is considered inappropriate by the Secret Service, even though it is legal in Colombia when conducted in designated “tolerance zones.” However, Kessler added, several of the agents involved are married.

I don't care that the agents were married; their vows and how they keep them are their own business. I don't care that they're involved in prostitution; who in a capitalist society isn't to some extent? What bothers me is that they — federal employees — purchased the favors of Colombian prostitutes, as in from Columbia.

I get it. I know the deal: they felt had to ship our Treasury department hand jobs overseas, what with the decline in the skills of U.S. sex workers in recent years, but, gentlemen, I assure you, that's all changed since the Great Recession. The pride is back!

So, you know, buy American, assholes!

Court Votes 5-4 for Police Probe to Uranus

• Drivin' with a noisy muffler? That's a strippin'.
• Failin' to use a turn signal? That's a strippin'.
• Twiddlin' your thumbs while your wife breaks the posted speed limit? That's a strippin'.
• Riding a bicycle without an audible bell? Oh, you'd better believe that's a strippin'.

The Supreme Court on Monday ruled by a 5-to-4 vote that officials may strip-search people arrested for any offense, however minor, before admitting them to jails even if the officials have no reason to suspect the presence of contraband.…

“Every detainee who will be admitted to the general population may be required to undergo a close visual inspection while undressed,” Justice Kennedy wrote, adding that about 13 million people are admitted each year to the nation’s jails.…

The procedures endorsed by the majority are forbidden by statute in at least 10 states and are at odds with the policies of federal authorities. According to a supporting brief filed by the American Bar Association, international human rights treaties also ban the procedures.…

Justice Stephen G. Breyer, writing for the four dissenters, said the strip-searches the majority allowed were “a serious affront to human dignity and to individual privacy” and should be used only when there was good reason to do so.…

Justice Kennedy responded that “people detained for minor offenses can turn out to be the most devious and dangerous criminals.… ”