Saturday, April 30, 2005

Now, Even I Am Dreading Black History Month

"Hey, the Queen is here," shouted Henry Louis Gates Jr. as Toni Morrison walked into the "living room" of the John F. Kennedy School of Government at Harvard. "This will go down in the annals of African-American history,"...


That the accomplishment was feted by the largely African-American wait and custodial staffs with rolled eyes and comments on how truly small African American history has become will not.

Love Is...Never Having To Say You're Sorry to the FBI, the Local Sheriff's Department, and the Georgia Bureau of Investigation

A bride-to-be whose disappearance prompted a widespread search and commanded national media attention went to the police in albuquerque early today, telling investigators that she had gotten cold feet days before her wedding and fled....

At news of her safety, there was jubilation outside the home of her fiance, John Mason, where family and friends had gathered over the past four days. Mr. Mason, who was the last person confirmed to have seen her here and has been under pressure to take a police polygraph test, came out on hi porch and wave his arms in victory.

Later, however, after news of Ms. Wilbanks's scheme became known, the mood quickly became more subdued. "Oh. Well, shit," Mr. Mason was heard to say.

Hourse after the news broke...a spokesman for the family read a less brief statement to reporters outside the home of her fiance'.

"We're so proud Jennifer is alive and well," said the spokesman, Mike Satterfield, who is Ms. Wilbank's uncle. "It has been determined Jennifer had some issues the family was not aware of.
The family would appreciate some time and space to assist Jennifer in dealing with these issues.

It sounds like someone's heading for a Time Out. (I'm looking at you, Jennifer.)

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Southern Dialect Quiz

Maud Newton re-discovered this quiz. Originally, it was part of a Harvard research study on dialect in the United States. I encountered it after the study was finished, so my answered didn't factor into the results. For fun, the researchers left it up, so people could see where their various dialects, patois, or whatevers placed them, and where dialects, formerly tied to distinct regions, were moving to. And then, one day, they took it down. Well, someone has resurrected it.

You will be comforted to know Seattle has had little effect on me: "78% (Dixie). That's a pretty strong score!" Of course, I've only been here for two months.

Ms. Newton, who's been away from the Magnolias and the honeysuckle, the greens and the cornbread, the winding roads and meandering conversations, the ethereal beauty and heart-breaking reality of our native land for much longer, is slipping. Bless her heart.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Not So Wide Awake in America

Part religious revival, part political convention, part rock opera -- one mutt of a good time: I saw U2 at Key Arena last night.

"Use the Phone, Luke."

Darth Vader: This is the perfect project for you.

Hollywood Executive Minion: This is the perfect project for us.

Hollywood Executive: [Smacks Minion]

Hollywood Executive Minion: Sorry, Master.

Monday, April 25, 2005

"Hasta La Vista, Baby"

Let him teach your kids how to sing a catchy tune or bust a move, drop it like it's hot or whatever, but don't let him teach them how to shoot. If this is any indication of his marksmanship, Barney knows jack about accuracy and grouping.

A Little More Clorine in the Gene Pool, Please -- and, by "Please," I Mean STAT!

Because you can't spell "incestuous" without an "eww."

Saturday, April 23, 2005

There Are Tiger Cubs with Better Sex Lives than Mine

Three cubs were born at the zoo in mid-March, but their mother killed one and refused to nurse the others. Veterinarians rescued the other two but had little success bottle feeding them. "They had some difficulties sucking the nipple on the bottle. When we tried to get the cubs to suck a lady's breast, it was alright," said a veterinarian.


The law guy imagines, the next thing said was along the lines of "That's so crazy it just might work."

I have a somewhat different vision. In it, the vets of the Yangon Zoo Skunk Work division are hovering around Ms. Htay, and critiquing the nursing technique of a colleague:

Jim: "Well, yeah, they could suckle like that -- if they were pan troglodytes! Are they pan trogs, Steve? I don't think so. [rolling his eyes prissily]

"Tigris, Steve, tigris! Either, respect the canine form or go back to the monkey cage. Move. Instead of this, [insert suckling noise], like you were doing, you've got to nestle in here like this and then [more suckling]. See the difference? This: [suckling]. Not this: [bad -- pan trog -- suckling]. It's all about respecting the feline form. Now, again for clarification, watch me: [suckling]."

Marlon: Well, someone's done his homework, but, Jim, what about the paws? You've forgotten the gentle stroking of the breasts common to most nursing felines. Unless I'm missing something, your technique ignores that entirely.

Steve: Yeah, what about the paws, Jim? Who's in the pan trog cage now?

Jim: Quiet, you.

Marlon: Your suckling looks good, but is there a position that allows for suckling AND a gentle circling of the paws in a wax-on/wax-off manner?

Hmm.

May I?

[walking over]

Hi Hla.

Hla: Hi, Dr. Perkins.

Marlon: I'm thinking of something like this: [suckling and pawing].

Steve: [taking a drag off a post-nursing cigarette] Crikey.

Jim: [accepting the cigarette from Steve] It's like he crawled into the mind of a tiger cub.
Let's get the cubs in here, and begin their instruction.
Marlon: Cubs?! Cubs?! You, fool! We're not ready for cubs! For all we know, this only works when you're fully clothed. Do you want to dress the tigers before each meal? Well, do you? I sure don't. Think, Jim. Before we're ready for cubs, we're going to have to test this method a few times in the buff, naked as newborns.

Here, help me with my smoking jacket.

But I've been taking medication.

Monday, April 18, 2005

The Fact that No One Called Her on It Says Something

One student meandered in asking a question about Coulter's assertion that Muslims should be converted to Christianity. "What is your name? she asked. "I'm sending it to John Ashcroft."


John would probably get a kick out of that, but you know who probably wouldn't? Alberto Gonzales, the current attorney general of the United States. (What's a Hispanic American got to do to get noticed around here, anyway?)

Ann probably just needs to update her quip log.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Looks Like I'm Going to Need to File an Amendment to My 2000 and 2001 Returns

Federal authorities went to court to shut down a city tax preparer on the day income-tax returns were due, alleging he filed fraudulent returns for several customers who claim a bogus tax credit based on slave reparations for African-Americans.

The government obtained a temporary restraining order yesterday against Kevin Hardy that bars him from preparing tax returns for others until a full hearing on a request for preliminary injunction can take place....

...Hardy...has prepared an unknown number of false returns that claim a bogus tax credit based on the alleged entitlement of African-Americans to reparations for slavery, segregation, treatment as second-class citizens or separate-but-equal laws.


If you're thinking "Why in the name of John Wesley Cromwell, Jr., would he think he could pull the wool over the IRS's eyes with a bald-faced hoax like that?" it's because you didn't let me finish. Ahem,

The federal government began cracking down on such bogus claims in 2002 after the Internal Revenue Service mistakenly paid out more than $30 million in slave-reparations credits in 2000 and part of 2001.

Now, that pisses me off -- "he struggled to typed, as his aneurism, inflated to to the size of a small squirrel, made it difficult to use the left side of his body" -- not because someone bilked us, the citizens of this fine country, out of $30 million, but because I wasn't in on bilking.

I mean, I was black and an American in 2000 and 2001. I filed returns in those years. Where's my graft? Where's my government teat? Where's the love for the Loman?

I am so depressed.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Apropos of Nothing...

Preparing a Living Will

A living will is a legal document that provides directives for your medical care in the event that you are physically unable to express them. Here are some things to keep in mind while creating a living will:

...

  • Specify which flavor of feeding-tube nutrient you prefer. Otherwise, you may get stuck with cream of mushroom day in and day out.
  • If, in the event of a catastrophic brain injury, you wish to be taken off life support and kept out of the guardianship of your overprotective Catholic parents, underline those directives over and over with a thick red pen and then highlight them in bright yellow.
  • Leave at least one reasonably flattering photo for the press. This point cannot be emphasized enough....
  • Telling your friends while you're drunk that it would suck to be on life support doesn't constitute a living will. Make sure to write it on the back of a coaster.


The Onion strikes again.

There's also an APB out for Hohm's Perv-y Best Friend, "Admiral Kirk." Apparently, He's Been Painting Little Girls Green and Making Them Dance

A man arrested in Dayton, accused of using a Star Trek club to lure young boys to his home for sex, has ties to the Tri-State.

Police arrested Otto Holm in Dayton, Ohio on two counts of unlawful sexual conduct....

Police say Hohm refers to himself as "The Commandant of the Starfleet Officers Club Marine Corps"....


According to reports, "Commandant" Hohm made the boys strip to sheer nakedness. He, then, gave them "uniforms," Star Trek-style shirts in tan, blue, and red. Afterwards, the tan- and blue-shirted boys were given cookies and milk; the red-shirted boys were given merciless buggerings.

"What can I tell you?" a police spokesman said. "The man's a big fan of the show."*

*I know: I'm going to hell for this post.

Monday, April 11, 2005

666?! HA! More Like 333.

A quick-thinking Brea man handled himself surprisingly well when he awoke early this morning to find an armed and naked intruder standing over his bed....

Wall told police the intruder, 18-year-old Arthur Macias, said the anti-Christ had sent him to the house to kill him.


Macias later admitted, the nudity was his own idea.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Singles night at Wal-Mart - Apr. 8, 2005

Just when you thought you'd heard it all from the kind of discount shopping, Wal-Mart is now pitching itself as the new dating hot spot -- with everyday low prices to boot.


Oh, good gravy! The next thing you know, you'll walk into Walmart and be greeted with “You want a date?” or “$5! $5! C’mon! I’ll suck your dick!" Really, first, it's dating; then, like the other shoe dropping, it's flat-out whoring -- ejaculate cleanups on Aisle 6. If I've seen it once -- and I'm from Fayetteville, NC; I've seen it once -- I've seen it a thousand times.

Actually, that's an intriguing enough proposition to get me thinking about a visit my local Wal-Mart, just like the thought of a manager pimp-slapping a geriatric smiley-worker or a challenged greeter for holding out on him is enough to keep me away.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

I Need an Alias. I Know: I'll Use My Porn Star Name -- Ron Mexico

This is a personal injury action in which Plaintiff Sonya Elliott alleges that as the proximate result of the negligence, tortious and willful misconduct of Defendant Michael Vick, Plainfiff Elliott was unknowingly infected, is presently infected, and will be infected into the future with the Herpres Simplex 2 virus, ..., and has suffered and will continue for the foreseeable future to suffer personal injuries and damages, including but not limited to medical bills and expenses, economic losses, physical and mental pain and suffering, and loss of full enjoyment of life.


Really?! Loss of full enjoyment of life?! Are they sure? I mean, in the Valtrex commercials, they make it seem like medicated Herpes is more fun than the sex acts that transmit it, so much fun, in fact, that I've been trying to get my hands and nethers on the virus and that virus fighter for years, to no avail.

Well, I guess I can stop trying now, now that I know the great viral good time is a myth.

But, what will I do now with my weekends?

Alma Mater 75, Illinois 70

We won! I wish I could've been there.

Looks like I picked the wrong year to leave graduate school.

Pay Japan No Mind. It's Obviously Just Crying for Attention

The sexless marriage is one of the several reasons why experts fear Japan is on the verge of a demographic disaster....

The 200 women a year who seek help at a clinic in the Tokyo suburbs have not had sex with their husbands in up to 20 years, and some never, according to Kim Myong-gan, who runs the clinic....

Mr. Kim's short-term solution is unconventional. After an initial 20,000 yen counseling session, he produces photographs of 45 men, mostly professionals in their 40s, with whom the women are invited to go on dates and then, in almost all cases, arrange regular assignations in hotel rooms.

Mr. Kim dismisses charges that this service was little more than a male prostitution ring. "The men volunteer and pay half the hotel and restaurant bills, so legally there is absolutely nothing wrong with it," he said.


But, surely, he can see why everyone's confused.

As usual, my reaction is bewilderment, and I'm shaking my head, just as before.