What's the Opposite of an “Oh!” Face?

If it helps, “Thank you.” The pain you go through to keep your groin garden trimmed and maintained is not lost on us.

Of course, if we, men, had to do it, waxers would be the thatchers of the 21st century, extinct professionals that only live on in Elizabethan poetry and Romance literature.

So, to recap, trimming? Yes. Uprooting my Angela Davis crotch-fro with quick yanks? Uh, no.

Hello Kitty! is the James Brown of advertising—Simply the Hardest Working Feline in the Iconography Bid-ness

Honestly, they had me at the giant vagina whispering “Come inside,” but some of you hard cases won't be satisfied until you see the Hello Kitty submissives. That's right: come for the vagina; stay for the light sadomasochism.

By the way, that's a commercial for cosmetics.

Oh, Yeah, Like You Wouldn't Have Looked There, Anyway

This is wrong on so many levels, none more disturbingly so than the fact that Will Ferrell appears to be tucking his sack á la Buffalo Bill of Silence of the Lambs fame.

“Why, You're Not the Usual Blog Writer…” Bow-Chicka-Bow-Wow

Every guy at some point has wished they were a pornstar. So, if that dream ever comes true, we've decided to help you out by showing you how to maneuver your way through 90% of the porno movies made.


I've never wanted to be a porn star, but between the ages of 5 and 13, I had a porn-stache so desirable it would make a male star blow his load faster than you can say, “Ah, Yeaaaaaaaaah,” so, if you saw older pictures of me, I can understand where'd you get that idea.

But had I wanted to be a porn star, I would not have wanted to be a porn star in a pizza delivery movie—too déclassé. I'm more of a “cabaña boy whose pants have to come off because you carelessly spilled your piña colada on them” or “a fireman you called because your husband wasn't bringing enough hose to put out your fire,” something classy, like one of the films in the Mid-Hummer's Night Wet Dream oeuvre.

Ah, yeah.

"The Children Are Merciless and Will Show No Fear" (Obviously, This Does Not Apply to the Ones That Say, “Uh-Oh” when They Drop Their Guns

How to Defend Yourself against Someone Attacking You

Gavin McInnes: Obviously, you don't want to be in an attack. You want to avoid it at all cost, so the normal instincts of not going out late at night, and going into heavily populated areas, well-lit areas, is primary. But if you do find yourself in a bad situation, you need to be ready to defend yourself.

So, I'm going to show you first how to deal with an attacker if he has a knife.

How to Defend Yourself against a Knife Attack

Gavin: Okay, come at me.

[Attacker, dressed in black—complete with a black kerchief masking the lower half of her face—approaches]

So, first thing you want to do is get the knife out of their hand. That's an incredibly important detail. So you grab… You put your arms up like this and you want to avoid the knife. So when they attack you, you want to grab this hand [grabs the attacker's hand, the one holding the knife]—okay?—hit the knife like that [strikes the back of the hand with the knife], and try to chop the back of the hand (because you don't have a wall nearby). You want to chop the back of the hand until the knife comes out. If that doesn't work [and it doesn't in this case], you want to shake it as much as possible.

Ideally, that will shake off their mask, identifying them, but, then, you want to continue to shake it as much as you possibly can.…

Of course, if your attacker turns out to be as cute as this one, you are done for.

Ten Cars and the Type of Women They Attract

The primary concern of many males purchasing a vehicle (not us of course) is what type of member of the opposite sex it may lure. Here's ten cars and the corresponding women they attract.

Many guys hope their new car purchase will allow them to roll up to the line standing in the cold at their corner club on a Saturday night, and have the hottest woman waiting decide the car running its engine is the coziest place on earth for them. We here at Jalopnik know better. We know unless you're driving up in the hottest of hot supercars, the car you drive has less to do with attracting the girl you really want and more to do with attracting — well — other types of women. So instead of snagging Hottest Woman of 2008 Jennifer Connelly, you'll probably be swingin' with the following. Depending on which car you're driving, of course.


For the first time, I'm regretting buying my Honda. I'm feeling more like I should have gone with the VW Bus.

“Works Every Time”

There's nothing worse around the holidays than getting a cold. You got a sore throat, coughing up all kinds of shit, just generally feeling sick as a goddamn dog: Well, we've got something you need to get.

You've heard of Colt .45 malt liquor. Well, now there's this: New Colt 45D, the newest cough-and-cold formula on the market today.

At the first sign of a cold, just suck down a six pack. In no time flat, you're back on your feet, baby.

“D” stands for decongest, deconstruct, and de-goddamn-feat that nasty-ass holiday cold. And have a good-goddamn-time doing it.

Don't believe me? Then, listen to the original “D,” Billy Dee Williams:

Billy Dee Williams : You drink a six pack of Colt .45D, I personally guarantee it won't make you forget you have a cold. You just won't give a shit, anymore.

Fuck Ny-Quil! Fuck Robitussin! Vick's Vapor Rub can kiss my big, black ass.

Colt .45D: It ain't just for black folks anymore.

“Honey, Can I Borrow this Top?”

Is Your Man Gay?

Nobody wants to think their significant other is playing for the other team, but anything is possible. Some men are in a committed relationship and living on the down low. Is there a chance your man might prefer the company of men? Take our telling quiz and find out if you're at risk for losing your man to the handsome guy next door.


Ladies, if your man looks like the guy in that picture, you don't have to take the quiz, because the guy in that picture is—to paraphrase my Southern brothers—eat up with the gay. If that's what your guy looks like, your man is gay, too. Congratulations.

(There. I've saved you 19 unnecessary mouse clicks. You're welcome.)

Of course, if you don't take the quiz, you'll never get to read some of the funniest quiz options ever committed to pixel. For example,

Question 3 out of 19


If you pointed out a nice-looking guy to your man, he would…

Nonchalantly agree with you

Express sheer adulation for the hottie

Ignore you

Say he doesn't judge what men look like

Stare far too long at said hunk

The best part, though, is the comparison of answers. After each response, a pie chart of the responses to-date appears. It is mind-bogglingly funny. When you see some of them, you'll ask yourself, Why are women dating those troglodytes? Wouldn't she be better off with a gay man?

I think so, but that's what you would expect me to say since I scored… Well, you can probably guess where I ended up.

And That's Why I Just Gave $100 to PBS—To Keep Vaginas Safe…for the Children

Voice Over: Mio and Lisa, showing her extension.

Oh, so that's what we're calling it nowadays.

“So, You Think You Want to Have 8 More Kids…”

That has got to be the scariest Halloween costume EVER!

What Black Men and White Women Do when You're Not Around

It's no wonder you can't keep them apart.

Another Hyperactive Child Brought to You by the Mars Candy Company

“From the bloodline of a yakuza and the womb of a dangerous beauty, a daughter is born: A unique child, shut off from the world discovers a gift for martial arts.

“From the people who brought you “Ong Bak,” comes a special needs girl with a special need to kick some ass…”

Apparently, inside each can of Whup Ass is a brain chemical-altering, seratonin-enhancing dosage of M&Ms and Skittles. It would behoove you to remember that before teasing the slightly awkward-looking child.

“The Elderly Are Fearless and Will Fight to the Death”

So tell your grandpa to watch his ass.