"Sir, Could You Tell Us in Your Own Words What Happened?"

Debbie Coleman, whose 3- and 4-year-old daughters were asleep in the back seat, pulled over at a gas station just after midnight Tuesday.

"I asked her if she needed help, and she just leaned back in the seat, hollered a little, and I looked down and there was the baby's head," said station co-owner Lloyd Goff, who was alerted to the emergency at pump No. 7 by a customer.

Goff said Coleman "threw her leg over the steering wheel, groaned once, and the rest of the baby came out."

That's fitting, since throwing her leg over the steering wheel and groaning were no doubt involved in the baby's conception, as well.

"Lewd, Lascivious, Salacious, Outrageous!"

Ask Not for Whom the Bell Tolls. If You've Been Arrested for Murder and You Can't Come Up with $875/hour, It Tolls for Thee.

Well, that use to be the case. It's not anymore. Now, it tolls for everyone:

Johnnie Cochran
1938 - 2005
"If It Doesn't Fit, You Must Acquit"

That's right. Johnnie Cochran, defense attorney to America's shooting, stabbing, punching, and molesting stars has died.

Consequently, the rappers, professional athletes, B-List actors and musicians of the world — and most everyone with a grudge and a race card — -- or, simply, "Johnnie's Kids" -- will have to go straight, give up their shananigans and tomfoolery to avoid the just fruits of their lack of labor.

Those of us who derive great pleasure from watching their antics and monkeyshines mourn Mr. Cochran passing.

Jerry Falwell Hospitalized; Pat Robertson Shaking in His Pews

Given his statements after 9/11, Falwell probably won't be upset with me if I assume somebody up there is angry with him.

“Drunk Driving Is Wrong, M'Kay?” (But Trust Me: Drunk Is the Only Way to See Delaware.)

The Miss USA Organization, along with pageant co-owners Trump and the National Broadcasting Co., announced Friday that Benton's 2004 guilty plea for drunken driving was not enough to eliminate her from the competition.

“She was 22 when this happened. What 22-year-old hasn't done that?” said Mary Hilliard McMillan, Miss USA spokeswoman.

Ah, the old “Who hasn't done that?” argument: Classic.

But take it from someone who's studied arguments for a living. Use it sparingly and with caution. You'll find considerably fewer hands in the air for something like, “What 22-year-old on a drunken dare hasn't performed a live-sex act with a plastic chicken in a bar in New Orleans”—and this is the kind of rhetorical device that works best when there are a lot of hands in the air. You've been warned.

Against the Peace and Dignity of the State

A Texas lawyer was arrested yesterday and charged with offering to provide legal services in exchange for a sex act and some hot girl-on-girl action. According to cops, Steven Copenhaver, 56, solicited the "deviate sexual intercourse" from the wife of a prospective client and the woman's sister-in-law. ...During a visit last month to Heavin's home, Copenhaver allegedly told her--and the woman's sister-in-law, Malinda Tilley--exactly what he was looking for (you'll have to read the document for the dirty details).

Please do. Then, let me know what's funnier to you, that a lawyer was offering his services in exchange for sexual favors, or that the police report states, "Leigh said that Steven Copenhaver wanted a blow-job and also wanted to see one of them suck the others tits while the other one ate her pussy," and closes with "Against the Peace and Dignity of the State."

"It's Okay, Little Girl. She's Fine. She's Just Completing the Final Requirement for Her Vomiting Merit Badge"

A sorority party ended abruptly when several members allegedly got drunk and passed out in front of several young children....

One girl reportedly passed out in front of a group of Girl Scouts and their chaperones. Some were seen vomiting in nearby trash cans.

When the vomiting sorority girl saw the girl scouts recoiling in horror, she began screaming, "Samoas! Samoas! What did you put in those cookies? What did you put in those cookies? BARRRRRRRRRRF!"

"Would You Like a 'Happy Ending', Sir" "No, Thanks. Removing that Spewing Garden Hose from My Rectum Should Be Happy Ending Enough"

Police charge there's more to Garden State Colon Hydrotherapy than just cleaning the nether regions.

Instead of high-colonics, authorites say, the clinic was selling sex....

Police became suspicious because they saw only men entering the back door of the clinic.

[Insert own "Back Door" joke here.]

Happy Biff Day to You!

How do I stay so healthy and boyishly handsome? It's simple. "I drink the blood of young runaways." -William Shatner, born March 22, 1931

So do I. -- Biff Loman, born 22 March, too

The Worst Jobs in History Quiz* (Eh, I've Had Worst)

100 and above There’s not much that you’re afraid of – especially mucky stuff. In fact, if you’ve ever wondered what that funny smell is, it may be you. You’re ideally suited to some of our tougher, grimier jobs. Try Fuller, rootling around inside a sheep as a Violin string-maker, Nit picker, Tanner or, for the upwardly mobile, Groom of the stool.

Groom of the stool, huh? Well, it beats being a graduate student.

*It's probably the funniest quiz I've read in a long time.

But the Competition Isn't that Fierce

A letter from the Moncton Hospital to a New Brunswick heart patient in need of an electrocardiogram said the appointment would be in three months. It added: "If the person named on this computer-generated letter is deceased, please accept our sincere apologies."

Canada really is the nicest of the North American countries. The American version of this letter would have ended with "But we have to bill you for the missed appointment. Yours in grief,..." It wouldn't mention the lien placed on the person's home, but then, this is America; it wouldn't have to. As Americans, we would presume as much, the other shoe dropping and all. Yep, they're nicer in Canada.

"Believing that True Love Waits, I Make a Commitment to contracting an STD from Oral and Anal Sex Like a Good Boy"

Since it was founded in 1993, the virginity group True Love Waits claims 2.4 million youths have signed a card stating: "Believing that true love waits, I make a commitment to God, myself, my family, those I date, and my future mate to be sexually pure until the day I enter marriage...."

In terms of high-risk behavior, the raw numbers were small, but the gap was statistically significant, said Bearman. Just 2 percent of youth who never took a pledge said they had had anal or oral sex but not intercourse, compared to 13 percent of "consistent pledgers."

Clearly, the small print of that pledge card -- "believing that true love waits, I make a commitment to God, myself, my family, ... to be sexually pure until the day I enter marriage" -- reads, "But I'll blow the multitudes. And let them knock at the back door -- because that's what good virgins do." See, it always pays to read the small print.

Oh, He Questioned Homosexuality. It's Just the Answer Was, "Yes. Oh, Honey, Yes. I Am So Gay."

My gay-dar may be off, so I could be wrong, but if that's the "After" picture, his current relationship is in deep trouble. Oh, yeah, that thing is going down in a great, big ball of fabulous, rainbow flames.

And They're Thinking about Offering Lime with a Little Salt on the Side with the Blood

For centuries, Danish churcgoers have received the body of Christ in the form of a small bland, communion wafer. Now, competition is on the way.

Ninety master bakers from the island of Funen have taken up the challenge to experiment with new recipes for the holy flesh, daily religious newspaper Kristelight Dagblad reported Thursday.

"We have never tried anything like this before," Svendborg baker Gerner Pedersen said. "It's very exciting. I think I will go for a baguette made out of a mixture of wheat and rye flour. That would give a good, strong taste of bread."

Copenhagen deacon Finn Laugesen said he wished the bakers all the best. "But for as long as I have been responsible for the communion wafers, I've gone for the most neutral taste I could find," he said. "After all, the bread should symbolize the body of Jesus, and the wafer shouldn't be getting all the attention. Just imagine if the pastor at the altar would say "This is the body of Jesus Christ. Would you like that with chocolate, vanilla or strawberry taste?"

None of the above: Like most Americans, I prefer "Nacho Cheese."

Of course, when polled, priests asked for "Altar Boy." They were respectfully ignored.

The Lesson: Fear the Police

"This is an unloaded gun I'm the only one in this room professional enough, that I know of, to carry this Glock .40." [Then, things go horribly, yet predictably, awry.]

I know he didn't want to disappoint the kids, but I think even my high school football coach would agree: The one thing you shouldn't try to walk off is a gun-shot wound.

"Not the Face. Anywhere, but the Face!"

This morning, I was assaulted by my cat in a way that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. My kitties and I have a morning routine that involves saying goodbye before I walk out the door. I was suited up, ready to go, and I walked over to my dresser to retrieve my keys. As usual, my male kitty was lounging on the dresser, waiting for him goodbye scratches. He stood up to give me my usual nuzzle goodbye, and then the most unholy of acts took place. The friendly feline stretched, and the force of his stretch caused his anal glands to express ... all over my face and in my mouth.

Kill me. I'd do it for you.

"Biff and Walker/Sitting in a Tree/..."

I have a man-crush on Walker Percy, no doubt inspired by a not so latent Narcissism. I look at Walker, and I see myself -- and you know how much I love myself. (It's not just the sound of my own voice, you know.)

We just have so much in common. We both attended The University of North Carolina; we both love bourbon; we both believe the two most overrated things in the world are blow jobs and Duke University; we both fell in love with philosophy and semiotics; we both had our studies interrupted by debilitating illnesses; and we both love Southern women, which brings me back to this post.

If you've ever wondered what I'm looking for in a future ex-wife, here it is, a description Walker wrote to describe Binx Bolling's secretary in his National Book Award-winning first novel The Moviegoer:

...she is not really beautiful. She is a good-sized girl, at least five feet six and a hundred and thirty-five pounds -- as a big as a majorette .... Yet she had the most fearful soap-clean good looks. Her bottom is so beautiful that once as she crossed the room to the cooler I felt my eyes smart with tears of gratitude. She is one of those village beauties of which the South is so prodigal. From the sleaziest house in the sleaziest town, from the loins of redneck pa and rockface ma spring these lovelies, these rosy-cheeked Anglo-Saxon lovelies, by the million. They are commoner than sparrows, and like sparrows they are at home in the streets, in the parks, on doorsteps. No one marvels at them; no one holds them dear. They flush out of their nest first thing and alight in the cities to stay, and no one misses them. Even their men pay no attention to them, anyhow far less attention than they pay to money. But I marvel at them; I miss them; I hold them dear.

So do I, and, fortunately, enough sparrows have migrated to the Northwest.

I should be married and divorced in no time.

Now, stop reading this crap, and go read some Walker.

What Happens in a Vegas Classroom Stays in a Vegas Classroom, unless You're the Mayor and You're Talking about Drinking. Then, Not So Much

Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman told a group of fourth graders on Monday that if he was marooned on a desert island the one thing he would want to have with him is a bottle of gin.

And when a student quizzed Goodman about his hobbies he replied that "drinking" was one of them, said Mackey Elementary School Principal Kamala Washington, who was present for the mayor's visit.

Goodman was unapologetic for his comments that came during his visit to the elementary school in North Las Vegas.

I'm the George Washington of mayors. I can't tell a lie. If they didn't want the answer the kid shouldn't have asked the question," Goodman said. "It's me, what can I do?

He would've said hookers, but he wasn't certain the island would be considered part of the state of Nevada.

You know, the only thing I love more than his response is the fact that he didn't apologize for it (and that he blamed the kids).

Believe It or Not, There's a Nation Out There with More Time on Its Hands than Ours

Memo

To: "Palette" Development Team
From: "Palette" Development Team Leader
Re: Notes on Supermodel Bot Beta

Grades

1. Clothes-flattering form [check]
2. Full articulation [check]
3. Dumb as a pithed post, making it the intellectual equal of a supermodel [fail] Needs work.

Good effort overall, though: Nice work team.

Don't Wait for a National Holiday. Do It Now: Hug a Vet

I don't go for that "greatest generation" nonsense, but I will give them their due. If it weren't for them, we'd all be wearing these right now. For saving us from that fate, I am eternally grateful.

No, it doesn't qualify them for Greatest Generation status, but it's up there. Oh yeah, it's up there.

If Guns Are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Shoot Their Underage Girlfriends in the Crotch Accidentally

A 17-year-old McCandless girl was accidentally shot by her boyfriend Sunday while the two were engaged in "bedroom activities," police said. "They were engaged in some bizarre activities in his bedroom," Barrett said. "The gun, we believe, accidentally discharged.

They should probably point this out in handgun safety classes: Keep your firearms and marital aids in separate drawers.