Or Maybe That's Just Me

Hi, this is Lance with Cock Shot®. You're going to be feeling wonderful all day because you're going to be taking shots at cock left and right like a pro.

Now, here's a guy. One shot to the cock. [Bam!] Mild testicle damage. Two shots. [Bam, bam!] Destroyed cock in seconds.

Now, watch this. You're going to add in some garlic. Okay? Here, we go. Going to put some garlic in. All right. And… [Pounds away on what appears to be a patent-pending action lever] You keep going. [Keeps going.] You completely pull apart that cock. I mean, it's gone.

And you've got a piece of garlic mashed to a dick.

Now, …


There is no stopping an idea whose time has come. All you can do is brace for its impact.

And imagine some way to turn it into a sexual aid.

Oh, Like You Weren't Thinking the Same Thing

A Los Angeles County court has issued a restraining order against a man who tried to break into the set of the ABC reality series “Dancing with the Stars” in an attempt to meet one of its contestants, The Associated Press reported. The man, Robert O’Ryan, was arrested Tuesday after an incident Monday in which he jumped a fence at CBS Studios, where “Dancing with the Stars” is produced. Mr. O’Ryan was said to be seeking out Shawn Johnson, 17, the Olympic gymnast featured on the current season of the show. A search of Mr. O’Ryan’s car yielded two loaded guns as well as duct tape and love letters written to Ms. Johnson, the police said.

Asked to comment, Ms. Johnson sighed and said, “Always after me Lucky Charms…”

Porn Stars Twitter the Cutest Things

Joanna Angel's Twittering

• The only thing I don't like about doing anal is not being able to drink coffee in the morning.
  2:26 PM Mar 14th from twidroid


• @teagenpresley I know! Everyone is eating olive garden and I want to eat the pasta so badly .... grr.
  3:03 PM Mar 14th from twidroid


• I will not get into detail as to why coffee and anal is bad. Just trust me, it is.
  3:09 PM Mar 14th from twidroid

I trust her. I trust everything I read on the Internet.

You should, too.

Wow. There Really Isn't a Project Tara Reid Will Turn Down

The group held a protest in London against restrictive cages in British pig farms where a pig spends usually a month before being slaughtered.

Some butt nekkid and very pregnant activists caged themselves, to really really (really?) stress out their point…

Well, to each his own, but in my opinion, they failed miserably. I don't know. Maybe, you had to be there.

That could be the case. From the pictures, though, I don't see the suffering of Wilbur the Pig and his porcine brethren visited upon them by teeny, tiny cages. I see a group of people who were hugged too much as children.

Speaking of children, take a look at the faces of the innocents below. Ignore the years of therapy they've got ahead of them. Focus on the the Pavlovian response seeing that woman's breasts provoked, and what it must have been like to be there with them. I'm imagining a suckling symphony, William Tell's overture performed on pacifier. It'll be a defining moment for both of them, and if I know my Freud, it'll be the reason they'll love pork more than anything else in the entire world when they're older.

As a matter of fact, I'm craving a barbecue sandwich, myself. Excuse me.

It's PG Porn, so It's Mostly SFW, but It Really Depends on Where you Work

PG PORN: Roadside Ass-sistance | Girls | SPIKE.com

VIDEO VIXXXON Presents…Roadside ASS-sistance

Mechanic: Looks like you're stranded, little girl.

Little Girl: [Gasp] [Recovering] My car broke down. I need help.

Mechanic: Maybe, I should check your engine.

Little Girl: By my engine, do you mean my vagina?

Mechanic: [Shocked] What?!

Little Girl: Um, nothing. I just thought…

Mechanic: No, no. I said, “Engine. …”


The tag line is “Porn for people who love everything about porn…except the sex.” Still, wait until the very end to find out what he does to that pussy kitten.

As Freak Flags Go, It's Relatively Meh

Jermaine: Did I mention I was one of those freaky guys?

Girlfriend: I don't think that you mentioned that.

Jermaine: Yeah, I'm freaky.

Girl…I'm going to take the month of August off
Just to get you off
I'm freak-kay.

I'm going to clear the table top.
We're going to need a mop.
I'm freaky.

Let's take a photo of the goat in the boat and then, we can float in the moat and be freaky.

Freak-kay

Let's take my body and we'll cover it with honey, stick some money to the honey. Now, I'm covered in money, honey.

I go outside onto the ledge and push my ass against the glass and you can act like you don't know me…

If I had a dollar for everytime…

Is There Anything as Touching as the Love between Siblings

This reminds me of lots of conversations between my older brothers that I accidentally heard.





And this suggests a conversation I imagine happened occasionally between a certain pair of sisters and whatever greater power they worshipped.





See if any of these pictures ring a bell with you.

The Best $2 You'll Spend Today

The person working the drive-thru said, “Wait…did you just ask for a McGangbang?” I replied, “Yes…yes I did.” The guy says, “That's a double cheeseburger with a McChicken in-between, right?”

“That's right.

“And could you put a rush on that? I'm late for my WeightWatchers meeting.

“Oh, since you can't ask anymore, I'll just go ahead and say it: Yes, I absolutely want to Super-size that.

“Tick-Tock, people. Let's go.”

It Pays to Check the Blog Roll, People

Seth Myers: This week, some members of the Republican National Committee began calling for Michael Steele to resign. Steele has concerned members of the RNC with some of his impulsive comments. Here to explain is Michael Steele.

Michael Steele: Whoa! Well! Hahaha! Ho! What's up, Seth? Great to be here. This place is off the hook! Republicans can I get a whut-whut?

Seth Myers: Well, it's good to see you. Now, this past week, you went on CNN and called Rush Limbaugh “incendiary,” but then, you turned around and immediately apologized. Is that right?

Michael Steele: Oh, yes. It's all good. Rush and I had a great meeting on Monday, and we squashed that beef. And we both agree what's going to bring people back to the Republican Party is an off-the-hook marketing campaign. Holler!

– ZZZZZZZZT! –

Ow!

I mean, issues. We've got to control all this government spending, Seth.

Seth Myers: Wha… I'm sorry. Hold on. If I could go back, what just happened, there?

Michael Steele: What?

Seth Myers: There… There's something on your head.

Michael Steele: What? This? [Turning to show his embedded electric shock receiver.]

Seth Myers: Yes.

Michael Steele: Ah, that's just the electrode the Rush Limbaugh people put in there.

Seth Myers: The Rush Limbaugh people put an electrode in your head? That's crazy. What… Why would you let them do that?

Michael Steele: Seth, it's all good. They're harmless. I mean, Rush Limbaugh is just an entertainer.

– ZZZZZZZZT! –

A great entertainer.

– ZZZZZZZZT! –

A beacon of truth and light in times of uncertainty.

Seth Myers: I-I see. After this meeting with Rush, are you still after Hip Hop kids?

Michael Steele: Oh, no doubt. “You down with the GOP? Yeah, you know me.” I mean, the Republican Party has been controlled by older, white men for the past one hundred years…

– ZZZZZZZZT! –

…and there's nothing wrong with that! Right?! I mean, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. And if there's one thing I know about older, white men, they ain't never broke. Hahaha…

– ZZZZZZZZT! –

OWWW!

Seth Meyers: Well, some would say the Republican Party is a little broken right now. You lost the last two elections by big margins.

Michael Steele: That's because our message has been distorted by the drive-by media. People think we're all a bunch of intolerant fat cats. But that's not true. I mean, what we care about most is helping the poor…

– ZZZZZZZZT! –

…helping the poor to help themselves…

– ZZZZZZZZT! –

…helping these poor business owners and CEOs who are getting taxed to death. It's socialism. I mean, government spending is out of control!

Seth Myers: Well, ah, thank you very much for being here, Michael Steele.

Michael Steele: Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. Thank you very much.

Um, look for me tonight. I'll be on CNN, kicking it with D.L. Hughly…

– ZZZZZZZZT! –

…talking about issues…

– ZZZZZZZZT! –

…announcing my resignation.

Seth Myers: Michael Steele, everyone!


ReeNee reminded me of this skit. Thanks for the grin.

It's All Fun and Games until Someone Loses a Vagina

Some sexual experimentation landed a southern Maryland woman in a hospital with injuries tough to imagine and even more difficult to forget.

Maryland State Police airlifted the 27-year-old woman to Prince George's County Hospital Center early Sunday morning after she was injured in an incident involving a sex toy attached to a saber saw blade, TheBayNet.com first reported.…

The saw cut through the plastic toy and wounded the woman, according to TheBayNet.com. The injuries were severe enough for medevac, but the woman was released from the hospital Monday and is recovering from her unusual injuries.

Investigators talked to the woman, who told them she suffered the injuries during a consensual act and that she and her partner were trying something new and no crime was committed, the sheriff's office said.


If you're going to try something new, do it, but remember these two things:

1. Love Is…Never Having to Say, “Whoops!”


2. “Ow! (and all Ow-classed variants)” is a terrible safe word.

As an aside, FM, if you're reading this, would you check on our friend in Maryland? Make sure she's okay. Although this story doesn't carry her name, you and I, both, know this is she. (No, I didn't show this same concern when she came home after her episiotomy, but, really, I think this is different.)

And send the appropriate gift basket or flowers or whatever. Miss Manners hasn't responded to my e-mail, so I don't know what to send to someone in this situation, and Hallmark doesn't carry an “I'm sorry your last sexual act turned into a episode of ‘This Old House…’” card. Lacking guidance or pop-humor from a greeting card, I'm more than willing to defer to your knowledge in this area. Whatever you decide—up to $20. (I mean, it's not like I put the dildo on the saw). Thanks.

I'm Getting Help. I'm at Step 8 in My 12 Step Program: “Cut Yourself Off from Everyone Who Would Prevent You from Drinking” What?

There is a new flavor of condoms in town. Whiskey flavored. Ideal for that special woman or man in your life who likes more than their liquor hard. Also perfect for when you need to stop that more casual someone, from sobering up.

Marketed under the name of “McCondom” apparently they are available all over pubs and clubs (bar) toilets around Ireland and Scotland.

If you are so inclined you can purchase them here for around $3.25 US.


At first blush, there doesn't seem to be a niche for this product, but after the bars have closed, who amongst us hasn't been so desperate for another taste of that sweet, brown nectar that he wouldn't suck whiskey-flavored goo off a condom-clad man-sicle for just one more remembrance of drinks past? Come on: show of hands.

Just me?

Wow, um, this is awkward.

How Do I Know? Two Words: West. Virginia.

The University of Charleston (UC) will conduct an auction on eBay to determine who gets to push the button that implodes the former Union Carbide headquarters. The bidding will open March 11 and continue through March 20. Interested parties can watch the progression of the auction on the University's website, …

Dow Chemical, which purchased Union Carbide in 2001, donated the 11-story brick building in South Charleston to UC in 2006. The building was constructed in 1948. It contains about 106,000 square feet of space and once served as the regional corporate headquarters for Union Carbide. In preparation for the demolition, the tunnels that went from Building 82 under MacCorkle Avenue have been sealed off and the fiber optic line that ran through the building has been rerouted.…

The University plans to sell the entire 6.5 acre site after the building has been imploded. “We hope that demolition of the building will make the site attractive to a buyer who will bring new economic activity into that area of South Charleston,” said UC president, Dr. Edwin Welch. “We're excited to see how much interest there will be in the opportunity to push the button that brings the building down.”

The event, scheduled for the morning of March 28th, will be open to the public. University officials hope that Union Carbide and Dow employees and retirees, along with other interested members of the community, will turn out to watch the action. Nearby residents are receiving individual communications from the university about what to expect, and more details about the events of March 28th will be released when they become available.


I know they're using safe words, like “implosion,” and talking as if this will be handled expertly and professionally, but trust me. This will not end well.

“Whoa-oh, Here, She Comes. Watch Out, Boy. She'll Chew You Up”

Barbie turned 50 this year, but what does that mean for her sex symbol status? Well, the blond bombshell is officially a cougar! And she can work a pole better than Marisa Tomei in The Wrestler. Yup, Barbie’s still got it and as this fake commercial explains, it’s mostly thanks to “dream botox” and her kung-fu grip!


Dude, if you can't take a little sag, you shouldn't hunt cougar.