"I'd Like to Gvie a Shout Out to the Western World's Biggest Ho, Queen Elizabeth II. Come On Down Here, Queenie, and Drop It on Us Like Its Hot"

In February last year, a celebrity makeup artist filed a lawsuit against the rapper alleging he and several of the men in his entourage had drugged and raped her.

She also claimed one of his associates beat her following a taping of ABC's Jimmy Kimmel Live show, which Snoop guest-hosted in January 2003. However no charges were ever brought and the woman dropped the case in August saying in a statement that the matter had been resolved amicably.

A fan also accused Snoop and his security team of beating him up and stealing his diamond earrings during a Seattle concert in July.

No, it wasn't like that. The guy sucker punched me.

I was complaining to the venue's barista about the foam on my doppio short-shot macchiato, and he hit me in the back of my head. Then, before I could say, "Excuse me, but are those my glasses you're standing on?" his friends were upon me. Fists and feet, that's all I saw. The next thing I know I'm filing complaints at the police station.

I can assure you, had the guy come at me straight up, tried to take my earrings like a real man, things would have been different: Grills would have been busted; caps definitely popped.

Seriously, I'm gangsta' like that. Nobody fucks with me, my bling, or my bitches. I'm from the mean streets of Fayetteville, yo!

Now that I've explained that, can someone please explain how one goes about resolving a rape amicably?

"Kick Puppies and Children?" Hmm. "No" and "That's Why God Made Them Knee-High"

You Are 54% Evil

You are evil, but you haven't yet mastered the dark side. Fear not though - you are on your way to world domination.

How Evil Are You?

Don't be fooled. That's a strong 54%. You don't want to fuck with me.

"You Never Want to Wholly Overcome Your Dislike for White People."

A little repression is not a bad thing, especially if it prevents you from posing for photographs naked in the shower with a carrot shoved up your rear end, like Jeff did. Or, god forbid, taking a shit into a pickle jar. Which someone there did, as a friendly prank.

Instead of disposing of the befouled pickle jar, as one might be expected to do when striving to remain inside the boundaries of modern civilization, those little goblins kept it around. And they’d offer you a pickle when you came over, then clap and dance and laugh and caper around with glee after you saw that damn turd-pickle swirling around in the brine. Gah! How?! Why?!

The worst was the time someone shat into a hot dog bun, slathered it with mayo, relish and all your favorite condiments, and then stuck it in the microwave. They set the power on high and the cook time for the longest possible duration, and then left. . . .

As the story goes, various roommates kind of drifted in, wondering where the turd smell was coming from, but it took hours for them to discover it, like a satanic treasure hunt where the treasure has about the same effect on your sinuses, and perhaps will to live, as the Ark did on those Nazis.

Girls liked them. A lot. A lot more than they liked me, anyway. Or you. Probably.

Not that they needed girls — they had the Party Melon! Oh wait, maybe this is the worst thing, not the hot dog turd. Aw, who can tell. Anyway, Jason and Eric had a small watermelon that they kept on their coffee table they called the Party Melon. It had many holes cut in it, holes Jason and Eric would use for humping. They wouldn’t even take it into the bathroom or anything, just spread out a porno mag on one end of the table, get on their hands and knees and mount up. They didn't even, like, lay down a tarp.

I like to think that, should I ever sink to depths of such casual depravity, I’d have the decency to hide my Party Melon from company, or at least swap it out with a new one once in a while. Shit, any self-respecting drunken melon-baller would.

You win. Okay? I'll admit: We're not like you. There. You happy?

(Who knew, that all it would take for me to renounce one of the prime tenets of the Civil Rights Movement was one fried turd?)

Dad, Martin, you were wrong, so horribly, completely wrong. I wish I could have told you earlier.

"I Asked Him if He Had 21 Anuses. He Began Nodding. Then, He Said, "Si. Oh, Si," before Giggling Himself into a Heap

My friend Rebecca is a prosecutor and, whenever I see her, I insist she fill me in on her recent cases. Though most involve routine litigation, she occasionally tells a gem of a tale.

The last time I asked, she told me about the Anus Motion.

And then she told me about her latest case.

[rimshot]

Thank you. I'm here all week.

Happy Birthday, William Shakespeare!

I was trying to find the appropriate quote. To honor the man, I wanted to post something that symbolized everything that makes his writing timeless. But since my collection of poems and plays is still in storage, I had to settle for this, which I found in my chapbook (oh, yeah, like you don't keep one):

You taught me language, and my profit on't
Is, I know how to curse. -- The Tempest

My college Shakespeare professor is rolling over in his grave now. Or, at least, I hope he is. (That was an A paper, you hack!)

So happy birthday, Billie! Despite the best efforts of my teacher, referred to hereafter as The Throbbing Boil Festering on the Ass of English Literature (or Professor Dessen, for short), I still love you.

Well, Well, Well, Look Who's Wearing His Fancy Pants Today. No, It's Not Lord Faultleroy. But You're Close

Ben Curtis, the federal prosecutor handling Finnerty's Washington case, would not comment on whether he will ask D.C. Superior Court Judge John H. Bayly Jr. to revoke the agreement.

'Unlike prosecutors down in North Carolina, we don't comment on pending cases,' Curtis said.

Mr. Curtis, if this is a ploy to get the state of North Carolina to send you one of its Department of Justice WWMD (What Would Matlock Do?) rubber bracelets, well played, sir. It's in the mail.

Since you're given to dismissing convictions against homophobes once they've done 25 hours of community service, you probably need it.

Hmm, let me make some calls, see if I can't get that shipped over-night.

"P is for Portman. . . "

I don't sleep, motherfucker, off that yak and the bourbon,
Doin' 120, getting high while i'm swervin'.

Damn, Natalie, you a crazy chick.

Yo! Shut the fuck up and suck my dick!

I'm bustin' dudes mouths like gushers, motherf**ker!
Roll up on NBC and smack the shit out Jeff Zucker!

"What you want Natalie?"

To drink and fight!

"What you need Natalie?"

To fuck all night!

Don't test me when I'm crazy off that airplane food.
Put my foot down your throat till you shittin' my shoe. . . .

Natalie you are a badass bitch (Hell yeah!)
And I will pay for your dry cleaning when my shit gets on your shoe (What!)
As for the drug use, well, I can vouch for that.
My dick is scared of you, girl.

Finally, I'm seeing her appeal.

*Thanks MilkandCookies for the picture and lyrics

"Bad Boys, Bad Boys, Whacha' Gon' Do? . . . Whoa! Okay, I'll Be Good"

Don't expect to see the Yakima Police Department's newest vehicle — an armored personnel carrier on rubber wheels — rolling around town every day.

SWAT team members say the latest addition to their arsenal is nothing for folks to be afraid of, but it should come in handy when they need it.

The light armored vehicle is designed for use by military troops in urban assault missions.

Police say that it will be used by the SWAT team primarily for rescuing civilians and officers during high-risk situations. For example, it was used for the first time about a month ago when the Yakima team responded to a standoff with an armed domestic violence suspect outside of Toppenish."

Despite the LA incident, where a Kevlar-ed and heavily-armed bank robber held the LAPD at bay for what seemed like forever, which they cited here to make a small town owning an armored personnel carrier seem reasonable, I suspect the majority of the time, the Yakima Police Department will be using it for stuff like this, punking drunks and rescuing kittens and what not.

I suspect there's also some vigilante appeal to owning it, too:

Homer (inspecting his squad): Alright, men. It's time to clean-up this town! (pause)
Skinner: Meaning what exactly?
Homer: You know, push people, make ourselves feel important. That kind of stuff.

I was going to make a snide comment about this being a waste of tax-payer money, too, but then I read that the damn thing was free, and . . .

Well, look. I'm the King of Swag. If someone offered me a free V-150, you can bet I'd take it.

Even if I could only afford to drive it once, I'd do it. I'd spray-paint "Hummers are for Pussies" on the side first, and then I'd drive it through some yuppie breeding ground, like Microsoft's campus, and make a lot of overcompensating Masters of the Universe's penises go turtle and shrink back into into their torsos.

Because that's how I roll.

God speed, Yakima PD. God speed.

Once You Can Fake Sincerity, The Rest Is Easy

Assistant U.S. Attorney Patrick M. Collins, the lead prosecutor throughout the federal investigation that ensnared Ryan, said he hoped the verdict would motivate public officials to carry out the jobs for which they were elected and not cater to other interests.

“Whether you’re the dog catcher or the governor, you’re elected for something to do work for the citizens of the district, and the day you want to work for yourself or your family is the day you ought to go into the private sector,” Collins said.

He added: “Unless and until the state learns, the city, this county, the state learns that there are victims of corruption, there are tangible consequences of corruption; unless and until people who vote understand that there are important consequences when public officials take acts of dishonesty, this system will not change.”

Chicago FBI Special Agent-in-Charge Robert Grant said he hoped the verdict would begin 'the end of political prostitution that seems to have been evident in the state of Illinois and (begin) the resurrection of honest government services in this state that so many people have demanded.”

'In this country, in this democracy, no one is above the law,' he said."

He added, "The check's in the mail," "I'll pull out," and "I'm from the government; I'm here to help," to round out his presentation of classic lies.

When Did It Get so Bad that John McCain Could Be Called "The Mainstreamer"?

Time magazine ranks members of the 109th Congress in the issue published for the week of April 16, and a Colorado senator is ranked among the five worst in the nation.

In response to Time magazine's article, Sean Conway of Sen. Wayne Allard's office said, 'I believe the vast majority of Coloradans would respectfully disagree with what the magazine had to say.

'The U.S. Senate is comprised of two types of individuals: work horses and show horses. Senator Allard is proud to be a work horse who is more interested in getting things done for Colorado than getting attention from the national media.

'Senator Allard’s work in getting things done for Colorado over the last nine years speaks for itself, whether it is the successful clean up and closure of Rocky Flats, passage of his legislation to create the nation’s newest national park, the Great Sand Dunes National Park, passage of the American Dream Downpayment Act or his successful efforts to ensure Colorado received the highest increase of any state in transportation funding in last year's highway bill. These are but a few of his many accomplishments.

'As a member of the GOP whip team since 2003, a selected group of only 10 members, Senator Allard works very closely with the Senate leadership, which allows him to quietly get things accomplished for Colorado.

"His record of accomplishments is why Coloradans re-elected him by a wide margin in 2002 and why Senator Allard's office is the go-to office for Coloradans who care about getting things done for the state."

I'm not from Colorado, so I can't say this for sure, but I'm guessing, his bumper stickers read, "Wayne Allard: Getting Things Done for Colorado," or, at least, I'm guessing his general one does. In areas where he enjoys rabid support, he's probably got another one that reads, "Wayne Allard: Fucking the Other 49 States like They Were Passed-Out Hookers."

Geschlecht verkaufen ist nicht einfach*

Soccer's governing body insists it has no power to stop forced prostitution in Germany, which is expected to increase during the World Cup. . . .

The German Women's Council estimated 40,000 extra prostitutes would be in Germany for the event, but did not know how many would be there against their will.

They are bringing in 40,000 extra prostitutes for the event? Now, I'm not in the sex trade, but I wouldn't be surprised if you told me the Germans were going to need 5,000 extra pimps or so to handle the influx. Am I wrong here, Germany?

Well, I know as much about prostitution as I do about nuclear fusion or, even, Trigonometry, but if you need someone, I think I'm your man. Character flaw, gaps in my upbringing, whatever the reason, I'm a natural at mistreating women and taking their money. (References from exes available upon request.) I say this to my shame. Anyhoo, mein freud, if you're down a pimp, call me.

I'm willing to do whatever it takes to makes these games the best ever.

*"Pimpin' Ain't Easy"

Coke Bleh: It's the Wrong Thing

So where does Blāk fit into the ongoing Cola Cold War? A press release on Coke's website kind of gives you a sense of what they were going for with this monstrosity.

Coca-Cola Blāk is not just a flavor extension. It is a blend of unique Coke refreshment with the true essence of coffee and has a rich smooth texture and has a coffee-like froth when poured. We believe we have created a new category of soft drink — an adult product in a carbonated beverage — and a whole new drinking experience.

Had its unscrupulous author been on the level, the release might have read like this:

Coca-Cola Blāk is not just a flavor extension. It is a blend of rancid, off-brand cola with the true essence of gas-station cappucinos and has a flat, cloying texture and has a sticky flatness when poured. We believe we have created a new category of soft drink — a category that truly warrants the label 'shit-tastic.'

And that would be overstating its appeal.

On the bright side, it does seem, the Coca-Cola Bottling Company has been getting my mail: "It use to be about the coke, man. It use to be about the coke!"

So try again, white lab-coated Coke guy, and this time -- if I may -- might I point you in the right direction? It'll only take me two words to do so. Are you ready? Here goes, two words: Coke Meth. Trust me. You won't be able to keep it on the shelves.

I Know: I'm Going to Hell

The reigning Miss Deaf Texas died after being struck by a train, officials said.

Tara Rose McAvoy, 18, was walking Monday near railroad tracks when she was struck by a Union Pacific train, authorities said.

A witness told Austin television station KTBC the train sounded its horn right up until the accident occurred.

Sometimes, they just write themselves.

Who Thought This Was a Good Idea?

WASHINGTON - APRIL 11: U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney throws out the first pitch at the home opener of the Washington Nationals April 11, 2006 in Washington, DC., and hits Make a Wish recipient Timmy Parker, seated in the home dugout, in the throat. Quote Cheney, "The little punk was crowding the plate." The Nationals opened at home against the New York Mets. Funeral plans for Mr. Parker have yet to be finalized. (Photo by Win McNamee/Getty Images)
2:15 p.m. ET, 4/11/06"

Just in Time for Easter

Ruth Malhotra went to court last month for the right to be intolerant.

Malhotra says her Christian faith compels her to speak out against homosexuality. But the Georgia Institute of Technology, where she's a senior, bans speech that puts down others because of their sexual orientation.

Malhotra sees that as an unacceptable infringement on her right to religious expression. So she's demanding that Georgia Tech revoke its tolerance policy. . . .

The Rev. Rick Scarborough, a leading evangelical, frames the movement as the civil rights struggle of the 21st century. 'Christians,' he said, 'are going to have to take a stand for the right to be [crazy as crack whores].'

In that spirit, the Christian Legal Society, an association of judges and lawyers, has formed a national group to challenge tolerance policies in federal court. Several nonprofit law firms -- backed by major ministries such as Focus on the Family and Campus Crusade for Christ -- already take on such cases for free.

If He hadn't risen, you have to imagine that Jesus would be spinning in His grave about now.

Oh, Yeah! And Hasselhoff. How Could I Have Ignored the Suffering Visited on Humankind by Hasselhoff?!

Power Point presentations are the worst plague to ravage Western Civilization since the Dark Ages (and, no, I'm not ignoring the Perfect Shit Storm of Yani, Tesh, and Zanfir, master of the pan flute). There has never been a good one -- till now.