It's Actually Worse than I've Implied

Katie Couric: And when it comes to establishing your world view, I was curious, what newspapers and magazines did you regularly read before you were tapped for this, to stay informed and to understand the world?

Gov. Palin: I've read most of them, again, with a great appreciation for the press, for the media…

Katie Couric: Like what ones specifically. I'm curious.

Gov. Palin: Um, all of them. Any of them that, um, have been in front of me all these years. I like the ones with pictures best, especially the ones that allow me to use Crayons to determine the colors. Oh! And pop ups! Loves me some pop ups.

[At which point, Couric's head asplodes]

But, Honestly, It Would Have Been Much Worse Had They Mic-ed a Group of Elderly Black People for the Debate—Much, Much Worse

Jon Stewart: For all the post-debate spin, there's really only one group whose opinion of the debate matters—swing voters—like the elderly Jews in Florida who proved so crucial in 2000. Who might they accidentally vote for this time around?

For insight we turn to our Senior Senior Correspondent Wyatt Cenac. Wyatt.

Wyatt: [after watching the debate and moderating his panels comments] … It was a lively discussion, but, perhaps, the last word should go to Art.

“In four or five weeks, we are going to elect a president of the United States, and we're sitting here talking over irrelevant nonsense.”

On second thought, let's end with this.

Woman observing Michelle Obama on the stage at the conclusion of the debate: She's a big horse, isn't she? I shouldn't say that. That's nothing against her.

Her husband: Who?

Woman observing Michelle Obama on the stage at the conclusion of the debate: Michelle. She's a …

Her husband: She's got a big tuchis.

Woman observing Michelle Obama on the stage at the conclusion of the debate: She's a big horse, I said.

Her husband: Well, a lot of black women have big thighs.

Woman observing Michelle Obama on the stage at the conclusion of the debate: Not all of them. They have to come from a certain tribe.

Oy vey, do we ever need The Great Schlep.

I Am a Consummate Tease and an Inveterate Flirt

Responding to the accusation made by Republicans who changed their votes because of something Speaker Pelosi said in her speech on the House floor.

Barney Frank: I am appalled. Frankly, that's an accusation against my Republican colleagues that I would not have ever thought of making.

Here's the story: There's a terrible crisis affecting the American economy. We have come together on a bill to alleviate the crisis, and because somebody hurt their feelings, they decide to punish the country. I mean, I would not have imputed that degree of pettiness and hypersensitivity…

I mean, we also have as a leader, who will tell you—who has been working with them—we don't believe they have the votes, and I think they are covering up the embarrassment of not having the votes.

But think about this: “Somebody hurt my feelings, so I will punish the country.” I mean, that's hardly plausible. And there are twelve Republican members who are ready to stand up for the economic interests of America, but not if anybody insults them.

I'll make you an offer: give me those twelve people's names and I will go talk uncharacteristically nicely to them. And tell them what wonderful people they are, and, maybe, they will now think about the country.

Nice try, Barney, but I'm still not going to blow you. I am thinking about it, though, so keep pitching your politically witty woo.

Annie, Call Me—if You Need a Pairs of Eggs in Pizza Dough or, You Know, Just to Chat

<a href="http://www.atom.com/funny_videos/filthy_food/" target="_blank">Filthy Food</a>

Filthy Food

Here, in the Pacific Northwest, we are known for our bestiality. “That's all well and good for you, Biff,” you say. “You live in a state where that sort of thing is practiced and respected. What about those of us who live in less enlightened locales?” Well, I hear you, rhetorical tool, and I'm here to help.

After watching this video, I think you'll see that horses and pit bulls are not necessary for a sexy good time. All that is really needed is a well-stocked pantry.

And a hungry, eager tongue. Oh, I'm sorry. It appears I'm still in thrall to Annie Terrazzo's glistening, food pleaser. It's hard not to be. I mean, I know the food is the star of the video, but her tongue steals every scene it's in—even the one with the cookie dough—and, trust me, it's hard to steal a scene from cookie dough.

I'm MMMMMMMMMM and I Support This MMMMMMMMM

Usually, I try to provide you with the transcript of any video I post, but in this case, I cannot. I'm stymied by their accents—and I'm from the South! I have an excuse for not understanding that one guy who sounds like a cross between Boomhauer and Pa from the Hillbilly Bears. After all, he's from Spain. But the rest of them are supposedly my kind of bumpkins. I should be able to do this.

I can't. This is all I got:

Mumblemumblemumblemumble. HUSSEIN. Mumblemumblemumble. HUSSEIN. Mumblemumblemumble. He's from Spain. Mumblemumblemumble. Mumblemumblemumble. Chop off heads. Mumblemumblemumble. I voted for Hillary. Mumblemumblemumble. Mumblemumblemumble. Niggras. Mumblemumblemumble. That'sright. I said ‘niggras.’ Mumblemumblemumble. Mumblemumblemumble. I was drunk the day momma got out of prison. Mumblemumblemumble. Mumblemumblemumble. And I went to pick her up in the rain. Mumblemumblemumble.

Feel free to fill in what you can decipher from slack and ah-shucks.

“Why,” Sarah Said, “You're Not the Regular President of Pakistan” Bow-Chicka-Bow-Wow

Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska completed Day 2 of her foreign policy tutorials on Wednesday, meeting with the leaders of Georgia, Ukraine, Iraq, Pakistan and India and engaging in small talk about her looks and New York City. …

Ever since Senator John McCain made Ms. Palin the first woman to serve on a Republican presidential ticket, pundits and politicians have been walking on eggshells for fear of saying anything about her that might come off as sexist. But in an exchange captured by television cameras, Ms. Palin was greeted by Asif Ali Zardari, the new president of Pakistan, and a delegation of Pakistani officials.

“I am honored to meet you,” Ms. Palin said.

“You are even more gorgeous than you are on the (inaudible),” Mr. Zardari said.

“You are so nice,” Ms. Palin replied. “Thank you.”

“Now I know why the whole of America is crazy about you,” Mr. Zardari continued. At which point an aide told the two to shake hands.

“I’m supposed to pose again,” Ms. Palin said.

“If he’s insisting,” Mr. Zardari said, “I might hug.”


Dude—and I can't believe I have to say this—stop hitting on the Republican vice presidential nominee. Worse, you made me cock-block you, and that is not a good look for me.

Geez, now, I know why the McCain camp didn't want any cameras present. This is like political porn.

Okay, I'm Developing the Opinion that Not Only Should There Be Strings Attached, but That the CEO's Should Be Serving Jail Time, Enron Style

The more Congress examines the Bush administration's bailout plan, the hazier its outcome gets. At a Senate Banking Committee hearing Tuesday, lawmakers on both sides of the aisle complained of being rushed to pass legislation or else risk financial meltdown.

“The secretary and the administration need to know that what they have sent to us is not acceptable,” says Committee Chairman Chris Dodd, D-Conn. The committee's top Republican, Alabama Sen. Richard Shelby, says he's concerned about its cost and whether it will even work.

In fact, some of the most basic details, including the $700 billion figure Treasury would use to buy up bad debt, are fuzzy.

“It's not based on any particular data point,” a Treasury spokeswoman told Forbes.com Tuesday. “We just wanted to choose a really large number.”


What? You made it up? And yet, you still want us to hand the money over to you without any strings attached, no oversight in place.

How's that working out for you?

Friends Send Me Things

Candidates have made a lot of unforced errors over the years. Richard Nixon promising to campaign in all 50 states when running against John Kennedy in 1960 -- and getting sick, tired, and cadaver-looking as a result. Nixon again thinking he had to get those crucial Democratic National Committee records from the Watergate building in 1972. (He obviously made it through the election, but then....) Dukakis getting into the tank in 1988.

But compared with John McCain "suspending" his campaign and trying to postpone the debates? Puh-leeze. None of the reasons below is original, but it's worth adding them up to see how risky McCain's proposal is, in giving people impressions he doesn't want to convey.

• The senator with (understandably) one of the lowest actual-attendance rates at the Capitol in the last two years, and who has played little role in crafting legislation recently, suddenly needs to be nowhere but Washington -- exactly now?



• The candidate whose strongest claim to office is his experience, mastery, and understanding of foreign policy, cannot handle a debate on that topic, against a rookie, when he has other things on his mind?



• The candidate who wants to quash any suspicion that he is not quick enough, not vigorous enough, or not multi-tasking enough to handle a job that poses a new challenge every minute, is essentially asking for everyone to take things a little slower so he can concentrate?



• The candidate whose first response to the financial crisis was to propose firing the head of the Securities and Exchange Commission, and whose second response was to run ads linking his opponent (hazily) to former Fannie Mae officials (before news came out that his own campaign manager was still on the Freddie Mac payroll), now wants us to believe that statesmanship and love of country govern his every move on this issue?
  
  
• The most famously stoic candidate of recent times is willing to have it look as if he's running away from a confrontation while he's behind.

Yeah, That's Right: She's Dumber than You Could Have Ever Imagined

Katie Couric: You've cited Alaska's proximity to Russia as part of your foreign policy experience. What did you mean by that?

Sarah Palin: That Alaska has a very narrow maritime border between a foreign country, Russia, and, on our other side, the land-boundry that we have with Canada. It's funny that a comment like that was kinda made to … I don't know, you know … reporters.

Couric: Mocked?

Palin: Mocked, yeah I guess that's the word, mocked.

Couric: Well, explain to me why that enhances your foreign-policy credentials.

Palin: Well, it certainly does, because our, our next-door neighbors are foreign countries, there in the state that I am the executive of. And there…

Couric: Have you ever been involved in any negotiations, for example, with the Russians?

Palin: We have trade missions back and forth, we do. It's very important when you consider even national-security issues with Russia. As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border. It is from Alaska that we send those out to make sure that an eye is being kept on this very powerful nation, Russia, because they are right next to, they are right next to our state.


The questions were how does your state's proximity to Russia enhance your foreign policy credentials and have you ever been involved in any negotiations? One hundred mangled words and tortured logic later and we still don't have an answer. Sorry words and logic. I guess you're just casualties of maw.

Let me see if I can help. Being near Russia doesn't enhance your foreign-policy credentials. You have not dealt with Russia in any way on a federal level. You've negotiated no trade agreements, brokered no treaties, designed nor implemented any national defense strategies (or state ones for that matter). All you've done is try to stir up long-dead Cold War fears among the ignorant.

For those of you who do not speak Right Wing Wackjob—really, people, a second language opens up the world in so many ways. What are you waiting for?—let me translate Nutty McParanoid's twisted text for you:

As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border. It is from Alaska that we send those out to make sure that an eye is being kept on this very powerful nation, Russia, because they are right next to, they are right next to our state.

Well, first off, Putin is no longer the president of Russia. He, no doubt, is still the tail wagging the dog, but Dmitry Medvedev is Russia's president. Olde Pooty Poot, is now the prime minister. She should have used Medvedev in this case, but like her, the wackos who thinks she's competent wouldn't have known who Medvedev is. This is a shameful indictment of the Alaska education system (someone should write a letter to that state's governor) and her Vice Presidential Debate coaches.

Second off, when she says “Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where do they go?” she isn't talking about the Russian prime minister coming over to the U.S. on a trade mission. She's talking about nuclear missiles. And she's such a simpleton, that she thinks they all come over Alaska. (Few of them do—or our Defense Department thinks few of them have that trajectory. That's why we have fewer than 20 anti-missile batteries assigned to Alaska for our defense.)

But even if that were true—again, it really, really isn't—it wouldn't enhance her foreign-policy credentials, because as governor, she has nothing to do with our national defense and Alaska's part in it.

But we should all be afraid of this statement, “It is from Alaska that we send those out to make sure that an eye is being kept on this very powerful nation, Russia” because it shows she thinks Russia is a threat to our national security—as, apparently, is Canada.

(I bet those Canadians are sorry they tried to sandbag Obama in the primary now. Ah, thank you, karma.)

You Don't Have to Wear a Uniform to be a Hero

Meet Jose Cruz. In the long history of American jurisprudence, the West Virginia man may be the first defendant to ever be charged with passing gas in the face of a law enforcement officer. Cruz, 34, was driving with his car's headlights off Monday night when he was pulled over by West Charleston cops, who noted that Cruz appeared to be intoxicated. After failing a series of field sobriety tests, Cruz was arrested and transported to police headquarters, where he allegedly committed another offense, according to a September 23 criminal complaint (a copy of which you can find here). While being fingerprinted, Cruz allegedly “lifted his leg and passed gas loudly on Ptlm. Parsons. The defendant then fanned the air with his hand in front of his rear onto” the cop. “The gas,” the complaint notes, “was very odorous and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature with Ptlm. Parsons.” In addition to the DUI count, Cruz was also charged with battery on a police officer for the farting incident. In a TSG interview, Cruz said that while he “farted multiple times,” it “wasn't directly in [the cop's] face.” Asked if he fanned the fetid air toward the officer, Cruz admitted that he did, but said it was in retaliation for the cop insisting he take a breath test while he was having an asthma attack. “I said, ‘Here, put that in your Breathalyzer,’” he recalled.


I am a layman, ignorant in the ways of the law, so pardon me if these assault charges sound like bullshit. I mean, according to the criminal complaint, for the crime of battery to have occurred, physical contact must have been involved:

If any person unlawfully and intentionally makes physical contact of an insulting or provoking nature with a police officer, conservation officer, county correctional officer or state correctional officer acting in his her official capacity or unlawfully and intentionally causes physical harm to a police officer, conservation officer, county correctional officer or state correctional officer acting in such capacity.

Unless Mr. Cruz gas took corporeal form, this cop is full of shit, and should be cited for filing a false report. That's not going to happen.

Until a day comes when travesties of justice, like this one, are rare, my heroes will be the guys on the gaseous side of the thin brown blue line.

Apropos of nothing, where do you think I should get my tattoo of Jose Cruz (and, yes, on my ass would be too obvious).

“You Knew I Was a Snake before You Let Me In”

Before we go canceling Friday's presidential debate — in the name of “meet(ing) as Americans” as Sen. John McCain suggests, to bail out the financial markets — let's get some questions answered. Because the more we learn about McCain's debate shutdown idea, the more this is starting to smell like a steaming pile of LHC suggested by a dude who's dropping in the latest polls. Like the poll that gives Sen. Barack Obama a double-digit lead in, uh, trustworthiness.

To review: Obama called McCain first to suggest they issue a bi-partisan statement in support of a package to patch up the economy. McCain called back several hours later, agreed, and said he'd like to also suspend the debate and hold meetings in Washington. Obama said let's just issue the statement first and take it from there.

“When I got back to the hotel, he had gone on television to announce what he was going to do,” Obama said.


See? That's the problem with everyone saying how honorable John McCain is before pointing out he's a political buffoon. At some point, you begin to believe it. And you shouldn't. He isn't.

Obama should have never treated McCain as if he were. Lesson learned.

Of course, if he hadn't, we would have never been privy to Barney Frank's wit, which he quickly displayed after being told of McCain's proposal: “It's the longest Hail Mary pass in the history of either football or Marys.”

If I were the man-blowing type, I would be blowing that man (and wearing the cutest little beret).

That Guy Was One Busted Move Away from Turning Me to Islam

If the Old Testament God wanted to get wrathful and smite them, I wouldn't object. I'd turn a blind eye to the violence, plagues, slaughtered first borns, and pillars of salt, shrug my shoulders and say, “They needed smitin'” as the Southerner in me is wont to do.

Oh, the 70's Were an Idyllic Time

Steve Bunche got a bunch of old comics collections from a neighbor and found some gems, including several Pogo books and a copy of BACKSTAGE FROM THE STRIPS. Unbelievably, the above strip is from 1970. Bunche explains:

But the main reason why I’m happy to have received BACKSTAGE AT THE STRIPS is that it contains a strip I never forgot since I first saw it in there three decades ago, namely the following unbelievable DENNIS THE MENACE daily from 1970, and not 1917.

Yes, this actually ran nationwide in 1970, which beggars the question of just how out of touch creator Hank Ketcham was. Were the 1960’s something that didn’t happen for him? Whatever the case, the Cleveland Press printed this apology the day after the strip ran, printing it in place of what would have been that day’s DENNIS THE MENACE installment:

Yesterday’s DENNIS THE MENACE cartoon offended a number of Press readers. The Press apologizes for the affront caused by the cartoonist. It assures subscribers that such a thing will not happen again.

Yet, in the next day's edition, Mr. Mitchell told Dennis the way to beat Jackson was to throw a watermelon at him or to have Margaret stand along the race path. Shortly thereafter, Cleveland had a race riot. No one wanted to say what sparked it, but everyone stopped reading the comics for the next few months.

In Palin's Defense, the Moose Was Asking for It

David Letterman: Now what about Sarah—the governor of Alaska—Sarah Palin. Now that was sort of a surprise.

Chris Rock: That is unbelievable. Have you been to Alaska, Dave? It's like The Road Warrior with snow. It's crazy up there, man. It's insane.

And she's shooting mooses. She's got the moose—holding a dead, bloody moose. Uggh. Meanwhile, Michael Vick's going, “Why am I in jail?”

They'll let a white lady shoot a moose. Black man wants to kill a dog, that's a crime.

If It Helps, Seal, I'd Be More than Happy to Carry Your Burden for a While

Well…At Least It Matches

Heidi Klum left the Emmy Awards last night with an extra gift she hadn’t anticipated — a painful purple bruise on her thigh.

The Project Runway host was injured after co-host Tom Bergeron dropped her on the floor during a skit.

While dressed in a sweeping cobalt column dress, the 35-year-old pretended to swoon into the arms of Dancing With The Stars host Bergeron. Her acting skills soon gave way to reality as Tom dropped her on the floor, with the pain evident on Heidi’s face.

Whether or not the fall was scripted, Heidi’s injury certainly wasn’t.

11 Responses to “WELL…AT LEAST IT MATCHES!”

6. BeJeeBus Says: She’s annoying as hell!

7. suzy Says: I agree BJB. why not have him lick your booty while you’re at it heidi? What kind of a picture is this for a married woman to be takin. She has no respect for Seal he’s such a sucker.

Yeah, that's what I thought when I saw that picture, too: “Poor, Seal.” And then, I started humming Swing Low, Sweet Chariot, because the kind of suffering I imagine he goes through on a given day can only be balanced by thoughts of the sweet salvation that will be his in the sweet by and by.

Hang in there, Seal. If the world has become this much of a hell, the Judgment Day and that sweet chariot have got to be a'coming soon. Stay strong, brother.

Don't Know Nothing 'Bout History…

Congratulations, you're gluteus maximus! You brilliantly branded 5 out of 6 behinds. Spanks for playing. Now click here to challenge your take the Tush Test!


If there's one thing I know, it's ass.

This Blog Entry Was Written by The Truth* Correspondent Jason Blair

Sarah Palin likes to tell voters around the country about how she “put the government checkbook online” in Alaska. On Thursday, Palin suggested she would take that same proposal to Washington.

“We’re going to do a few new things also,” she said at a rally in Cedar Rapids. “For instance, as Alaska’s governor, I put the government’s checkbook online so that people can see where their money’s going. We’ll bring that kind of transparency, that responsibility, and accountability back. We’re going to bring that back to D.C.”

There’s just one problem with proposing to put the federal checkbook online—somebody’s already done it. His name is Barack Obama.

In 2006 and 2007, Obama teamed up with Republican Sen. Tom Coburn to pass the Federal Funding Accountability and Transparency Act, also known as “Google for Government.” The act created a free, searchable web site—USASpending.gov—that discloses to the public all federal grants, contracts, loans and insurance payments.

In June of this year, Obama and Coburn introduced new Senate legislation to expand the information available online to include details on earmarks, competitive bidding, criminal activities, audit disputes and other government information.

Palin might also have noted that her running mate, John McCain, was an original co-sponsor of the 2006 transparency bill that became law.

When pressed on this point, Palin responded, “Well, that can't be true. I mean, if Obama had passed a transparency-in-government act already, one that my running mate had co-sponsored, wouldn't you think I'd know about it? Don't you think Uncle Festering, here, would have told me about something that central to my speech before I got up here and made an ass of myself? Well, don't you?”

UPDATE: A campaign spokesperson insisted that Palin was referring not to that specific proposal, but rather to “that kind of transparency in general.”

When asked if that meant Gov. Palin would be testifying before the Alaskan Senate committee investigating the firing the public safety commissioner, the spokesperson relayed the inquiry to the governor and returned with a response filled with the down-home bon homie and frontier spirit the governor is noted for:

Are you sure you want to pull at that thread, newsboy? I wish you would, because I would have no compunction about coming out there, ripping off your head, dropping an Alaska-size deuce down your neck, and using your gushing carotid artery as a bidet. Think I wouldn't? Try me.

UPDATE: A campaign spokesperson insisted that Palin has not nor would she ever use a bidet.

I Thought Sulu Was the Gay One

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Spock lowered his hot, wet mouth to Kirk's chest. His lips closed around one tightly aroused nipple. His teeth pulled at it gently and then with more force. Kirk wriggled and moaned. And then, with perfect goodness, his penis finally touched Spock's and Spock was climbing on top of him biting his nipple and rolling the other one around in his fingers. And then they shoved their bodies together—hard. …

I Love Her So Much

Singers Amy Winehouse and Madonna have been immortalised as tiny Lego characters.

The special pieces have been created to mark the 30th anniversary of the Lego minifigure.

Sir Cliff Richard and The X Factor judges Simon Cowell, Louis Walsh, Cheryl Cole and Danni Minogue have also been turned into tiny figures.

The plastic collection, which includes Lego models of David and Victoria Beckham, will not be available to the public.

Since the minifigure was first created in 1978, more than 4billion have been churned out by the moulding machines.


Oh, sweet jebus! I want one so bad. If anyone reading this knows someone at the Legos Corporation, please hook a brother up.

“I See London, I See France, I See Svetlana's … Oh, Hey, Willie”

The Guiness Book of World Records brought London to a standstill today when the world's smallest man, He Pingping, came face-to-err-CROTCH with Svetlana Pankratova, the woman with the longest legs. Cheeky little fella He had the photographers laughing when he took a quick peek up Svetlana's skirt as they posed in Trafalgar Square. But Svetlana got her own back. She sat on He … .




Yeah, that'll show him.

Björk Was a Sweet, Little Cherub

If kids were this entertaining, I would reconsider my stand against having them. I know, I know: kids aren't here from your entertainment; they're here to be loved, cherished, and nurtured into intelligent, caring adults—all of which makes them that much less desirable. Call it Reason No. 9,342 Why I'm a Childless Heathen.

Reason No. 9,343 is that unlike the adorable tyke above, after 2:09, I can't ignore a real kid until I'm ready to laugh again, more's the pity.

“Oh, the Humanity!”

Honestly, after a fucking like that, there's not much you can do for your truck except take it out back and shoot it. I know that sounds cruel, but you have to face facts: it's not your truck anymore. It no longer recognizes you as master—not after that. The aggressive hood-grab, the hip swivel, the double-pump stroke, the rest-and-release, the firm-but-gentle spanking—that's the kind of fucking that leaves a truck a hobo's bitch, and although inanimate and soulless, even your truck deserves better than that. Old Yellow the poor, dry humped-with-a-dirty-man panty bastard.

He'd do it for you.

LeeSee and ReeNee Have the SNL Skit Up on Their Blog, so I'll Have to Settle for This

See more Gina Gershon videos at Funny or Die

“Sarah Palin: If she shoots you in the face, it's because she was aiming for it.”


Ooh, buuuuuurn, Cheney.

After Reading Vogler's Quotes, Rev. Wright Thought to Himself, “Now, that Motherfucker Was Crazy.”

“Country First!” That's the Republican battle cry this presidential season. But don't try selling that slogan to Lynette Clark, chairwoman of the Alaskan Independence Party, whose motto is "Alaska First — Alaska Always."

Clark — a blunt-spoken, gravel-voiced pioneer in the Alaska independence movement — spoke with me from her home outside Fairbanks, where she and her husband, Dexter, another veteran Alaskan freedom fighter, work a gold mine claim. Clark was born in Illinois, moving with her family as a child to the Alaska territory in 1951. But, she says, “in my heart and mind, I'm an Alaskan. I don't identify myself as an American.”

The Alaskan Independence Party burst into the national spotlight when Clark released a statement reporting that Sarah Palin and her husband, Todd, were both members. After the ensuing uproar, Clark issued an apology and correction, declaring that only Todd was an actual member of the AIP. (He belonged from 1995 to 2002.) The McCain campaign put out a statement denying the vice presidential nominee had ever been a member, but it said nothing about Todd Palin. Since then, other AIP members have offered conflicting information about Sarah Palin's affiliation with the party. And earlier this year, as governor, Palin addressed the AIP convention, stating that she shared the party's “vision.” …

“I've admired Sarah from the first time I met her at the 2006 (AIP) convention," which Palin also addressed, says Clark. “She impressed me so much. She's Alaskan to the bone; she's a damn good gal.

“As I was listening to her, I thought she sounds like what we've been saying for years. I thought to myself, ‘My God, she sounds just like Joe Vogler.’”

Vogler was the craggy, fire-breathing secessionist who founded the Alaskan independence movement in the early 1970s. Among the colorful Vogler quotes now in circulation are “I'm an Alaskan, not an American. I've got no use for America or her damned institutions.”: Then there's “The fires of hell are glaciers compared to my hate for the American government.” And “The problem with you John Birchers is that you are too damn liberal!” a sentence so specific to its speaker's psychosis that it had never been uttered before and hasn't been uttered since.

Vogler was close to achieving one of his major goals: speaking before the United Nations (despite his antipathy toward the international body) on Alaska independence. According to the AIP, Iran had offered to sponsor Vogler's appearance — which surely would have been an unsettling moment for the United States in the U.N. assembly.

But in May 1993, Vogler disappeared. The following year, his remains were found in a gravel pit east of Fairbanks, wrapped in a blue tarp with duct tape. A convicted thief named Manfred West, who had worked as a campaign volunteer for Vogler, confessed to the crime, telling authorities that he had murdered Vogler in a plastics-explosives deal (sic) gone bad.


“Plastics-explosives (sic) deal gone bad?” Dude, bad is how plastic-explosives deals go. If plastic-explosives deals could go well, they'd be called plastic-explosive purchases.

I can't believe I have to tell you that.

Nowhere Alaska 99901

Despite significant evidence to the contrary, the McCain campaign continues to assert that Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin told the federal government "thanks but no thanks" to the now-famous bridge to an island in her home state. …

But Gov. Palin's claim comes with a serious caveat. She endorsed the multimillion dollar project during her gubernatorial race in 2006. And while she did take part in stopping the project after it became a national scandal, she did not return the federal money. She just allocated it elsewhere. …

Senior adviser Mark Salter pointed to her role in killing the project while in office and allocating the money elsewhere. When pressed further that it was actually Congress that stopped the earmark, Mr. Salter said: “She stopped it, too. She did her part.” Mr. Salter added that he welcomed a fight over earmarks with the Obama campaign. …

Why is this one issue such a big deal? Sen. McCain's anti-earmarks stance has been paramount to his campaign. The Arizona senator has blamed everything from the Minneapolis bridge collapse to Hurricane Katrina on Congress's willingness to stuff bills full of pork barrel spending.

As such, Gov. Palin's image as a “reformer” is part of the storyline the McCain campaign needs to complement the top of its ticket. Her quip about passing on the bridge and “building it ourselves” has been a staple of her stump.

But she's drawn considerable fire as result. Sen. Obama's campaign released an advertisement pointing out her original support of the bridge. And on Monday, an Obama staffer emailed a photo of Gov. Palin holding up a T-shirt that was made shortly after the bridge caught national attention. It reads “NOWHERE ALASKA” and “99901,” the zip code of Ketchikan.

The McCain campaign jumped back with spokesman Brian Rogers calling the attacks “hysterical.”

“The only people ‘lying’ about spending are the Obama campaign. The only explanation for their hysterical attacks is that they're afraid that when John McCain and Sarah Palin are in the White House, Barack Obama's nearly $1 billion in earmark spending will stop dead in its tracks,” Mr. Rogers said.

At a rally today, Sen. McCain again asserted that Sen. Obama has requested nearly a billion in earmarks. In fact, the Illinois senator requested $311 million last year, according to the Associated Press, and none this year. In comparison, Gov. Palin has requested $750 million in her two years as governor — which the AP says is the largest per-capita request in the nation.


So the strategy here is to keep telling the same lie while trying to divert the media with another lie: unless I'm missing something, it appears she lied—and continues to lie—about this transportation pork barrel project and that the Republican spin doctors are trying to shout over that lie with another about $1 billion in earmarks for Obama. Nice straight talk there, McCain.

Personally, I'd like to know what a anti-big government, Republican governor is doing accepting federal money for a project she could fund with her state's $5 billion surplus.

Death Penalty Opponents Called “Lame-Ass Pussies” in Landmark Ruling

MICHAEL BANNON: In Washington today, the U.S. Supreme Court handed down a landmark decision. Despite the number of death row inmates who've been exonerated due to DNA evidence, the court reaffirmed the legality of the death penalty on the grounds that it is quote “totally badassed.” For more on the case, we go live now to Onion News Network Washington correspondent Jane Carmichael. Hi, Jane.

JANE CARMICHAEL: Good to see you, Michael.

MICHAEL BANNON: How did the Supreme Court come to their decision on this ruling?

JANE CARMICHAEL: Well, Michael, it began this morning when the lawyers for the petition presented for the Court a video tape Lethal Injection that showed an inmate writhing in pain before dying. As the tape played, Justice Kennedy said quote “Whoa!” Justice Alito remarked quote “Holy shit!” and Justice Ginsburg said quote “That's wicked.”

MICHAEL BANNON: And what was the defense counsel's response to that?

JANE CARMICHAEL: Well, following the video, Chief Justice John Roberts said, “While evidence presented to the Court indicates a degree of fallibility in the procedural methods of capital punishment, it is the opinion of this Court that the practice remains hella fuckin' balls-to-the-wall awesome.” At the point, the decision seemed fairly certain.

MICHAEL BANNON: Was there any dissent to the opinion by the chief justice?

JANE CARMICHAEL: Actually, very little: Justice Clarence Thomas supported the argument immediately, citing the precedence set by the movie The 300, in which the offending parties were quote “kicked into a huge fucking pit.” Justice Samuel Alito then stated “Yeah, or like Judge Dredd.” Justice Antonin Scalia then stated quite loudly quote “I am the law.”

It's funny because it's true.

The South Shall Rise Again and Again and Again—but only because It Has to Scratch a Hard-to-Reach Place

“This hoop skirt makes my balls sweaty.”

So when I say I left the South for the Pacific Northwest for health reasons, I mean the scrotal rainforest my sweaty balls created was the perfect ecosystem for rashes and fungi no bacterial ointment could ever salve. (I'm still recovering from that last one, “Sherman,” that slashed and burned its way across my taint-al Deep South on its way to Anal Atlanta.) Doctors recommended a change in climate, a recommendation I accepted while there was still parts of my nethers not described by the words “scabby” and/or “pus-y.”

Ah, Seattle, home, sweet home.

And Now for Puppetry of the Penis. I'm Sorry. False Call. That's Just Karl Rove

“In Dick Morris's defense, he is a lying sack of shit.”

“Your Dad Didn't Ask to Massage My Prostate. I Just Thought It Would Be Impolite to Ask Him to Stop under the Circumstances.”

Seriously, these days, there's a card for everything.