I'm Going to Need Some Bacon Grease, Some Kleenex®, and a Little Time Alone

The other day the guys from BaconToday.com contacted me in search for some barbecue bacon recipes. Of course I have plenty of great uses for bacon in a barbecue pit, but the longer I thought about it, the more I wanted to step it up a notch and clog a few arteries for those guys. Behold, BACON EXPLOSION!!!

To kick off the construction of this pork medley you’ll need to create a 5×5 bacon weave.… The next step is to add some barbecue seasoning on top of your bacon weave. Being the barbeque addict that I am, I whipped up a batch of Burnt Finger BBQ’s competition pork rub for this special occasion.… Now that you’re pork is well seasoned, it’s time to add more pork. Take two pounds of Italian sausage and layer it directly on top of your bacon weave.…

Next up is bacon layer number two. Take the remaining bacon slices and fry them up the same way you would for breakfast (or lunch, or dinner, or a midnight snack). If you like soft bacon, make it soft. If you like crunchy bacon, make it crunchy. If you like your bacon burnt to hell so the smoke detectors go off, then burn it to hell so the smoke detectors go off. These pieces are going to be a major part of the inner flavor of our sausage fatty, so cook them your favorite way.…

Since this is a barbeque recipe, we need to add another layer of barbeque flavor. Take your favorite sauce and drizzle it all over the top of the bacon pieces.… Now comes the fun part. Very carefully separate the front edge of the sausage layer from the bacon weave and begin rolling backwards. You want to include all layers EXCEPT the bacon weave in your roll. Try and keep the sausage as tight as possible and be sure to release any air pockets that may have formed.… To complete the construction process, roll the sausage forward completely wrapping it in the bacon weave. Make sure it sits with the seam facing downward to help keep it all sealed up.…

Slice the Bacon Explosion into quarter to half inch rounds to serve. If your roll was good and tight, you should now see a nice bacon pinwheel pattern throughout the sausage. Obviously pork is best served by itself, but if you feel the need to make this meat monster into a sandwich, try placing a couple Bacon Explosion slices on a warm Pillsbury’s Grands Biscuit. You’ll reach pork Nirvana in no time flat!


Holy crap! That may just be the fisting of food porn.

I Don't Think that Ad Is Working

It's a new print ad in Absolut's banal (and sometimes baldly opportunistic) “In An Absolut World” campaign, this one for their lemon-flavored Citron vodka. Well, I'm going to bring it up here because you can bet your last bottle of precious hooch it was brought up at their ad agency TBWA\Chiat\Day:

IT LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING VAGINA

“Sir, the obstetrician says the vodka is crowning now, so your martini should be right up.”

“Great. I've been waiting nine months for this.”

“So, which will it be? Twist? Olive? …

“Placenta.”

“Placenta. Excellent choice. Coming right up.”

Do I Spit or Swallow? It's Burger King, Jackass. Who Doesn't Spit BK Out?

Fill your desire for something long, juicy and flame-grilled with the NEW BK SUPER SEVEN INCHER. Yearn for more after you taste the mind-blowing burger that comes with a single beef patty, topped with American cheese, crispy onions and the A-1® Thick and Hearty Steak Sauce.



Hell, you put crispy onions and mayonnaise on anything, and I'll blow it—for $6.25.

That's right: You have to pay me $6.25. I'm a whore, not a slut. (Why? What Have You Heard?)

Ultimate Soft Bum: I'll be the Judge of That

Loo roll makers, Andrex, are launching shea butter infused knickers for the ultimate soft butt. They'll be working with Liz McClarnon to launch the collection of silk undies that have a fabric panel on the back that's impregnated with derriere softening shea. The good news is that the knickers cost £10 from 6th June at www.andrexsheabutter.com - a tenner is more than reasonable for designer silkies and even better, £5 from each purchase goes to the cancer support charity, Look Good…Feel Better.


You wouldn't think that a marketing campaign that ties skid marked-tinted panties and toilet paper together would be successful, which is why no one asks you anything anymore. As is so often the case these days, you couldn't be more wrong. What do I mean? Well, let's just say that, if my confirmation e-mail is to be believed, in 3-5 business, I'll have enough knickers to last me a fortnight.

I mean, it's impregnated with derriere-softening shea. SHEA, people! Nothing has held this much promise since Jockey and Johnson&Johnson teamed up to produce those briefs that gave your ass hair a perm. My love cushion was suppose to look like two, conked-out Cab Calloways. Sadly, no “heidy, heidy, heidy, ho!” was ever had in my back forty. That was then. This time… I mean, when has Shea butter ever let anyone down?

Loving Post-Racial America, although I Have to Confess It Looks Oddly Familiar

Newscoma posted details of a racist email sent from Sherri Goforth, legislative aid for Sen. Diane Black (R-Gallatin). The email depicts the Presidents of the United States with President Barack Obama as a pair of eyes in a black background.

I spoke with Sherri Goforth minutes ago to confirm she sent this email. She confirmed she had sent it and also said she had received a letter of reprimand from her superiors but said she will stay on the job.

When I asked her if she understood the controversial nature of the photo, Goforth would only say she felt very bad about accidentally sending it to the wrong list. When I gave her a second chance to address the controversial nature of the email, she again repeated that she only felt bad about sending it to the wrong list of people.

“I went on the wrong email and I inadvertently hit the wrong button,” Goforth told NIT. “I’m very sick about it, and it’s one of those things I can’t change or take back.”


Yes, because sending it to the wrong e-mail list is the real offense, here.

Apropos of nothing, how's that African American membership drive going, Republican Party?

“Aphrodite Kallipygos (of the beautiful buttock) lifting her robe and gazing down at her buttocks.”* I Do That, Too. Sadly, No Statue, Yet

Here are the 100 most beautiful words in English. How do we know we have the most beautiful? They were chosen by Dr. Goodword (Robert Beard), who has been making dictionaries, creating word lists, and writing poetry for 40 years. For five years he wrote the Word of the Day at yourDictionary.com and since 2004 he has been writing the series, So, What's the Good Word? here at alphaDictionary. Below is a select list of his favorite poetical words that he used in his poetry—or wishes he had.

These words were collected over the years with the help of visitors to this website like you, subscribers to our daily “Good Word,” and the word colloquium at the alphaDictionary Alpha Agora. They have been carefully researched and written up in small essays designed to increase the beauty of our conversations. Beyond that, these essays reveal how the words used by English-speakers provide insights into who we are and where we come from.


“Fluke” is not a beautiful word. Now, “Callipygean,” that's a beautiful word, particularly when the alternative spelling is used.

* Picture and caption from here.

They're Going to Re-Name This One “Pounding Your Friend's Father Day”

Watch Father Lover on CollegeHumor

Cause every Father's Day deserves a Father's night
A hole is just a hole, and theirs are probably tight.

It would be my honor to be inside your father.
It would be my honor to be inside your father.

And when you do my father, I have just one request
Pull out just in time and jizz up on his chest.

Who says Father's Day gets short shrift compared to All Up Under the Cover's Day. Not me.

So, this Sunday, remember to be a father lover.

A Picture Is Worth a Thousand Words

Secretary of State Clinton: Seriously, dude, …

President Obama: Oh, come on, Hillary. You expect me to believe…

Secretary of State Clinton: On Chelsea's life, I swear. I put one hand on the Kim Jong il and the other on MC Hammer, like this, and the two became one. True story.

President Obama: Pull the other one. It whistles “Dixie.”

Secretary of State Clinton: Don't dismiss this so quickly, B. You're very quick to dismiss.* Reserve judgment until you've seen his Typewriter. Once you've seen his Typewriter, all doubt will be removed.

Secretary of State Clinton: Seriously. Val, you've seen it. Kim Jong il's Typewriter?

Senior Advisor Valerie Jarrett: Proper.

President Obama: Okay, let's get on the plane.

Secretary of State Clinton: All right, all right. You've got us. Just do me a favor: Dummy up until we've had a chance to run this scam on Biden.

President Obama: You're running this on Biden?

Secretary of State Clinton: Yeah. I bet Merkel I could get him to repeat this to a CNN reporter by the weekend.

President Obama: Sweet. I'll dummy up on one condition. I want in.

Secretary of State Clinton: Done. Here's how it's going down…

*all due respect to Seinfeld

I Love Post-Racial America

A prominent South Carolina Republican killed his Facebook page Sunday after being caught likening the First Lady to an escaped gorilla.

Commenting on a report posted to Facebook about a gorilla escape at a zoo in Columbia, S.C., Friday, longtime GOP activist Rusty DePass wrote, “I'm sure it's just one of Michelle's ancestors - probably harmless.”

Busted by South Carolina political blogger Will Folks on his FITNEWS blog, DePass told WIS-TV in Columbia, “I am as sorry as I can be if I offended anyone.…”


Offended? How could anyone be offended by that? Everyone loves a gorill…

Wait. You meant to offend her, didn't you? And that apology, “I am as sorry as I can be if I offended anyone,” that is one of those empty gestures, isn't it, as, given the racial history of this country—especially the racial history of the South—there isn't an inoffensive way to compare a black person to a gorilla, is there? So, basically, you're an asshole.

To cut off the outrage at the pass, I would like to apologize to any assholes I've offended by the comparison.

It's True. I'm All Gay-ed Up

Chastity Bono, gay-rights activist and child of performer Cher and the late entertainer and politician Sonny Bono, is in the early stages of transitioning from a female to a male and will be known as Chaz, his spokesman said Thursday.

“Chaz, after many years of consideration, has made the courageous decision to honor his true identity,” Howard Bragman said in a written statement.

“He is proud of his decision and grateful for the support and respect that has already been shown by his loved ones. It is Chaz's hope that his choice to transition will open the hearts and minds of the public regarding this issue, just as his ‘coming out’ did nearly 20 years ago.”

Someone's decision to transition does not necessarily mean they are undergoing gender reassignment surgery, and in many cases they do not, said Mara Keisling, executive director of the Washington-based National Center for Transgender Equality.…

Keisling said she was unaware of the specifics in Bono's case, but speaking generally, a transition means that he will now want to be “known, seen, viewed” as a male.…

Bragman asked that the media “respect Chaz's privacy during this long process, as he will not be doing any interviews at this time.” Bragman also asked that the members of the media keep their laughter and retorts of “Oh, what a load of bullshit!” to a respectable murmur.


Re-stating, drunk off the success his coming out reaped for the gay community twenty years ago—“Chaz,” is it?—Chaz Bono has released for public consumption the news that he is transitioning into manhood. With all the chutzpah of someone who has just grown a pair, he then asked everyone to respect the privacy he enjoyed and then violated to bring us this news.

Hmm. I understand the lack of surgery now. Who needs a penis when you've got balls like that?

Now that I think about it,

Bifferson Loman, jackass and half-ass blogger, is in the early stages of transitioning from a male to lesbian, and will be known as Bifflopatra, his spokesman said Thursday.

“Biff, after many years of consideration, has made the courageous decision to honor his true identity,” The Law Guy was forced to say, after losing a bet.

“He is proud of his decision and grateful for the support and respect inability of his loved ones to reclaim their rights of gun ownership. It is Bifflopatra's hope that his choice to transition will open the hearts and thighs of the hot lesbian and curious college girl populations better than anything he's tried over the past 34 years of near-clinical priapism.”

The Law Guy asked that the media “respect Bifflopatra's privacy during this long process. This request does not include Craig's List, he added as a correction, as Mr. Loman wants to use that media outlet to solicit lesbians everywhere to help him through the transition by showing the best way to deal with his living dildo. Ladies, my client ask that you include a picture in your responses.”

America: 2 Days Since We Were Last a Disgusting Shithole. Whoops. Reset the Clock.

Obama Drastically Scales Back Goals For America After Visiting Denny's
Andrea Bennett: President Obama announced today he will drastically scale back his agenda for America after a visit to a Denny's restaurant in Manassas, Va, caused him to “completely re-think what our nation is capable of achieving.” In a press conference this afternoon, the president said,

“What I saw at Denny's made me realize how much I have overestimated the American people. Before we reclaim global leadership, we must first stop eating six sausages and a pound of eggs covered in syrup for breakfast, and we must stop leaving the house in sweat pants.”

…And we have White House Deputy Press Secretary Todd Grant joining us right now. Mr. Grant give us a sense of how big these post-Denny's policy changes will be.

Todd Grant: Well, Andrea, the president was deeply unsettled by his experience at Denny's, so it's safe to say his changes will be sweeping. They're all laid out in his Realistic Hope for America. It basically replaces the president's previous agenda with goals he thinks are now more within the grasp of the American public, such as not slapping your children in public, not calling your waitress a “cunt,” and not smoking while eating your Moons over My-Hammy. …

Andrea Bennett: Surely, he's going to face criticism for abandoning his previous plan.

Todd Grant: Andrea, I was with the president when he went inside the Denny's. Those plans were never going to happen. But the president hasn't abandoned his principles. It's true he's no longer calling for 1 million hybrids by 2015, but he is calling on Americans to think about walking to the liquor store down the block instead of driving. We believe America can do it.…


In the end, this—not a blow job—will be his undoing, this hopeful and optimistic nature of his. It's sad, really, because, clearly it's not his fault.

Something happened to him in his childhood to make him believe that there is good in everyone, and something happened to him in adulthood to make him want to act as a catalyst to coax it out of them and make this a better country—which is quite tragic. Un-afflicted by those shortcomings, I can see clearly every flaw in his ambitious plans, all 270 million naturalized and native-born of them. This embarrassingly gifted man has tied his dreams to the USS America, and that ship is sinking fast.

I tried to tell him, but he's no longer accepting my e-mails. They're being bounced back for some reaosn. More's the pity.

Dude, That's a Rhetorical Question.

AN erotic dance craze is thought to be the cause of a recent spate of broken penises in Jamaica, and now faces a government crackdown.

“Daggering”, a lewd dance style where couples simulate dry sex in various positions to the beat of the music, is characterised by over-the-top gyrating, heavy pelvis-thrusting and daredevil leaps.


See, Penis? It says, “over-the-top gyrating, heavy pelvis-thrusting AND daredevil leaps.” Dude, you are totally safe, so chill.

Besides, have I ever steered you wrong?

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Sex: “The Baby Just Kicked”

Casual Sex Episode Three: Positions from Andrea Savage

Hey, I'm Rebecca. I'm single and eight-months pregnant; so, I've only got a couple of weeks to do everything I've never done: Kiss some women, travel, or look for a new hobby, learn how to tie interesting knots. In my case, I've never had a wild phase, so I'm just going to lay a lot of dudes.…

So, good news, I've finally found someone to have sex with me. His name is Cal. I met him at a party. He seems nice. And in honor of trying new things, I have decided to wax my lady parts, 'cause let's be honest, I haven't seen that area in months.…

[Later]

On that note, here we go:

Cal: Come on! Let's do this! Come on, big lady! Come on, come on! Give it up!.
[They high five, Rebecca, reluctantly.]
Yeah, now, come on over here.

Let's just backdoor this.

Rebecca: Okay.

Cal: Slow it down. Yeah.

Rebecca: That actually feels nice.

Cal: Yeah? You like that?

Rebecca: Yeah. Ooh.

Cal: All right. Coming in now.

Rebecca: OH! [in obvious pain] Fuck!

Cal: What?

Rebecca: Shit. Ah, okay. [bends over to lean on the bed for support.]

Cal: Oh, yeah! [obviously has the wrong idea]

Rebecca: No, no. [straightening up] No, no. I'm sorry. My boobs, they get really sore, and, um, they leak a little.

Cal: [clearly disgusted] Did you say, “Leak?”

Rebecca: I think, I'll probably feel more comfortable leaving this on for some support. So I hope that's not weird.

Cal: No problem: I totally get it. My shirt never comes off when I do The Nasty.

Rebecca: Really?

Cal: That's a fact. I've got a mole the size of a fist.

Rebecca: I'm okay with you leaving your shirt on.

Apparently, pregnant women lose half their pubic hair. Good to know.

In the Calculations, I Believe He Forgot to Carry the Two

If I've posted it, then you know. This is not going to end well.