"Look for these other MODERN KNOWLEDGE Educational Titles! [like] 'Why Do We Have Colored People'?"

Billy's Dad is a Fudge-Packer*

by Jamie Donahue

Billy's essay assignment causes him to look at the world around him. What will he be when he grows up? Will Billy turn out to be 'fudge-packer' like his father? When it comes to accptance of other people, have we progressed as much as we think we have today?

So many double entendres, so little time.

*The communist in me reminds you, there's dignity in all work.

It's the Shoes, Money. It's All about the Shoes

It took me a while to figure out what they were advertising, mostly, because the sight of that thing triggered my Fight or Flee Reflex, and flee is my default value.

I'm back.

The Book that Spawned a Blog (I Still Look that Manly, Just with Shorter Hair)

Longmire Does Romance Novels: It's all about the Love, baby, the Love

(Am I the only one wondering what The Toy in Daddy's Pants is really about?)

"Baby Got Book" (I Blame Eminem)

Sad is what it is.

Really.

Truly.

Sad.

All I'll add is, if you know this guy, help him. Have an intervention. Or just slap the shit out of him.

Your call. I'll back your play, either way.

I Heard It Was a Left-Over Mud Shark Sandwich She Got from Led Zeppelin

1: 'Mama' Cass choking on a sandwich
When 'Mama' Cass Elliot died in her London flat in 1974 at the age of 32, a hasty postmortem suggested she had choked on her own vomit while chomping a sandwhich in bed.... Though a sandwich may well have been found at her bedside, the autopsy revealed no evidence of food in her trachea. Tragically, it appears she died peckish.

That may be the saddest thing since the hunter shot Babar's mother — or some roadie shot cocaine up Stevie Nicks's bum. (I hadn't heard that one until today, and, not one to let the truth get in the way of a good story, I'm not letting it go.)

OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!

Finally, you can have tasty, sizzling bacon, without all the shopping, planning, and preparation. Just schedule your appointment at baconwhores.com, and our trained experts will come and prepare bacon for you, exactly the way you like it.

I'm shocked -- SHOCKED!! -- to find this going on in Seattle. (And I'll let you know how the Pepper Bacon is.)

That Is Not How You Save a Marriage

Workplace Romance: Warning Danger Ahead

By Ian Kerner, Ph.D.
Special for eDiets

February 20, 2005

Dear Ian:
I'm a happily married man, and I love my wife, but I've developed a workplace flirtation that may be going too far. How do I know for sure, and what do I do to make sure I don't go over the line?
-- Name Withheld

...If you find yourself in a situation of jeopardy, either after work or at a convention, or wherever, and things are heated up and you're really lusting, go to the bathroom and splash cold water on your face, and remind yourself that you're on the verge of potentially ruining your personal life AND your professional life. It won't help. The call of new sex is too strong. So go in a stall and masturbate....

Workplace Romance: Warning Danger from Ph.D. Advice Ahead

By Bifferson Loman, Know-It-All
Special to the Truth

Dear Know-It-All:
I'm a happily married man, and I love my wife, but I've developed a workplace flirtation that may be going too far. To avoid trouble and possibly save my marriage, Ian Kerner, Ph.D. has suggested masturbation. In the bathroom. At work. I don't know. It sounds sketchy. Can I really masturbate my way to a stronger marriage? Should I listen to this guy?
--Name Withheld

Dear Name Withheld (good move, there):
No. He's a Ph.D. What does he know about relationships? Ph.D.s — almost by definition — have no experience with the opposite sex (or the same sex if that's their thing). Ph.Ds know masturbation. So like the guy with the hammer who begins to see every problem as a nail, Ph.D.s see masturbation as the solution to all relationship ills. It isn't yours.

No, you should take advice from someone who's kissed a girl before.

I recommend drinking — heavily — but in the spirit of full disclosure, I should say, drinking is my hammer.

Tempest in a B Cup (or What's with All the Nipples This Weekend?)

When Erika Ross lifted her shirt and unsnapped her bra to nurse her newborn daughter last month in Dufferin Grove Park, she never expected that people across Canada, the United States and even Finland would end up weighing in on it.

But the innocent gesture unwittingly drew her and others in her community-minded Dufferin-and-Bloor neighbourhood into a passionate international debate on breastfeeding in public. During the past six weeks, moms and “lactivists” from around the world have weighed in, using e-mail and on-line message boards. There's also talk of activists across North America planning a rally in Toronto during World Breastfeeding Week this August, possibly at the park where the bra-haha began …

“… Having my breasts discussed worldwide at length is pretty disconcerting,” Ms. Ross says. Yet she stands by her rights. “I'm disappointed in a handful of people who have tried to reduce the incident to a simple case of hurt feelings. Yes, my feelings were hurt. Rosa Parks probably had some hurt feelings too when she refused to sit in the back of the bus.”

I've heard of Rosa Parks. I studied Rosa Parks in school. She was an idol of mine. Lady, you are no Rosa Parks.

Frankly, I don't know how baring one's gummed nipple in public became a human rights issue, but I'd like to know. I bet it's a good story.

Me? I think it's more a matter of convenience than it is human rights, but then, I don't have to deal with engorged breasts that soak my shirt every time some kid yawns, either.

That said, Rosa Parks? Come on.

Try Al Sharpton.

What about LoLo? LoLo Needs Love, Too

Two former employees of the Gorilla Foundation, home of Koko the "talking" ape, have filed a lawsuit contending that they were ordered to bond with the 33-year-old female simian by displaying their breasts....

The suit follows complaints filed by Alperin and Keller in January with the California Department of Fair Employment and Housing, in which they gave identical reasons for why they were fired: "I refused to expose my breast to perform acts of bestiality with one of the gorillas."

The law suit goes into more detail.

One example: "On at least two incidents in mid-to-late June 2004, Patterson intensely pressured Keller to expose herself to Koko while they were working outside where other employees could potentially view Keller's naked body. ...On one such occasion, Patterson said, "Koko, you see my nipples all the time. You are probably bored with my nipples. You need to see new nipples. I will turn my back so Kendra can show you her nipples.'" ...

The suit, in any case, says that Patterson would interpret hand movements by Koko as a demand to see exposed human nipples. She warned Alperin and Keller that their employment with the foundation would suffer, the suit says, if they "did not indulge Koko's nipple fetish."

She gave similar warnings to the plaintiffs about indulging Koko's other fetishes -- white cotton panties, fried 'nana sandwiches, and post-media chat breakfasts, where the hairy linguist ate scrambled eggs and grub worms off the chests of hookers, which the women were to provide. Further, the suit states that Alperin and Keller performed other duties for the star, duties that included, but were not limited to, letting the ape snort Columbia's finest blow off their stomachs before media chats -- to help her perform -- and aiding in the conduct of the star's Courvoisier colonics (because, as Koko signed to them, "It ain't gonna' pump itself").

Koko was unavailable for comment at the time of this writing. Shortly after the Alperin and Keller's law suit was filed, she entered into the local veterinary hospital.

As this is sure to be a show trial, rumor has it, she is getting some work done.

Faith Ain't What It Use To Be

Twelve American nuns have been suspended from their convent after going on an alcohol and sex fuelled holiday....

On returning from their debauched break last week [they] immediately found themselves in hot water with the mother-superior.

During the trip it has been claimed the nuns slept with a total of 43 men between them on the two-week trip. [There's no mention of the amount of alcohol consumed, but you've got to believe it was considerable. — b.l.]

I’m not suppose to drink a lot anymore — health and parole reasons — but if I’m in a bar and twelve horny nuns are buying drinks and making passes, I’m drinking and I’m listening (and giggling at their jokes and twisting my hair).

I'm Guessing It Was the Copy Editor's Last Day of Work

"The clitoris has over 800 sensory nerves which is twice as much as the penis and is the only organ in tge body made strictly for pleasure. Who needs a handgun when you've got a semi-automatic?"

That is only one of many memorable quotes form Georgia State's production of the "Vagina Monologues."

That's good, but it doesn't come close to the headline. Now, that's memorable.

There Are Elephants with Better Social Lives than Mine

I have really got to get down to the zoo.

*I believe this is the artist, but I got the picture from BoingBoing.

"What He Meant Was..."

What He Said: "You are nothing but unorganized grabasstic pieces of amphibian shit!

What He Meant: "Although the training has been going well, we are not as far along as we hoped."

I'm loving this too much. Thanks, Lawguy.

"And It Handed Me Two Commandments which I Honored: Get Thee Naked; Leave-th the House. And Then It Started Laughing"

A Catawba Island woman lawmen found walking naked Thursday morning on Sand Road said she set a fire in her apartment, according to a Catawba Island police report.

When the Catawba Island Volunteer Fire Department arrived at the woman's home, there was a fire in the fireplace....

It was the second time Thursday morning police picked up the woman. The woman approached officers while they were sitting in cruiser parked in a parking lot...

At that time, she was wearing jeans, a sweatshirt and slip-on shoes.The woman told officers she needed help and that God told her to leave her home, according to the report.

Upon investigation, according to the report, the fire in the fireplace claimed to be the god of Abraham, and asked to speak with Moses. After being informed that Moses no longer lived in Port Townsend, the fire begged the officers' pardon and quietly went on its way.

Until We Get It Here, There's Always Zima

First there was beer. And it was good. Then there was near beer. And it was not so good. Now there is Queer Beer. And the two Swiss businessmen behind it hope it will be great.

"My business partner, who is gay, and I were talking about how to corner the homosexual market and came up with the idea for a drink aimed specifically at gay men and women," says Michael Hutmacher.

"It was really just a crazy idea at first, but we've now come up with a product."...

The lager has at least one beer aficionado salivating....

"I'm happy to see that homosexuals are being taken seriously as consumers. I just hope that the beer tastes good," [Moel Volken, from gay rights organization Pink Cross] said....

Meanwhile, a gay wine from New Zealand is flying off the shelves. Pansy Wine is available in Australia and parts of California as well as New Zealand.

"We should've come up with our own beer and wine when it was our turn to select potables. Instead, we adopted malt liquor and fortified wines. Live and Learn" he said, as he spilled a little on the side of his keyboard for the homies.

Apparently, Their Deity Has Alerted Them to a Hatred of Evolution. Oddly Enough, He Has No Opinion on the Rising Deficit nor the War in Iraq

Evangelical Christians, buoyed by the re-election of Republican President George W. Bush, are turning American schools into battleground over whether evolution explains the origins of life or whether nature was designed by an all-powerful force.

In at least 18 states, campaigns have begun to make public schools teach "intelligent design" — a theory that nautre is so complex it could only have been created by design — alongside Charles Darwin's theory of evolution....

65% of all Americans favoured schools teaching creationism and evolution while 37% wanted creationism taught instead of evolution.

In a related poll, an equal number of Americans said they believed the world was flat and stated they were willing to sacrifice many virgins to their states' legislatures to have their equally backward belief taught in schools. Thankfully, virgins are much harder to come by nowadays.

"I Was Trying to Teach Him How to Duck," the Teacher Didn't Say

A Hickory Middle School teacher showed poor judgment — and broke the law — when he punched a student in the face during a cafeteria argument, ....

For his poor judgment, he received a six month sentence and a $2,500 fine, which seems which seems appropriate until you remember it's 15-year-old boy we're talking about, here. More than likely, someone was going to hit him in the mouth before day's end anyway. That it was a teacher this time warrants a raised eyebrow or two, but not a jail sentence and a fine.

Make him write on the board "I will only punch my students once" 100 times, dust the erasures for a week, and eat the cafeteria food for the rest of the year. That'll teach him.

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez Asks Disaster Victim, "May I Feel Your Pain?"

He's the Bill Clinton of South America — but with much better taste in women.

"When Condoleezza Returns from France, That Bitch Better Have My Money"

If George W. Bush really wants to protect America, he should create a "Department of 'Ho-Land' Security."

That's the advice of San Francisco-based sex worker advocate Carol Leigh, who says cities can cut down on crime and terrorism by having prostitutes patrol the streets.

Leigh figures the presence of prostitutes can deter burgaries, drug dealing and other crimes that thrive on isolated streets.

I figure, given the way he's made bitch-slappin' our unofficial foreign policy, George Bush is big pimpin' enough.

An Interesting Story One Mishap Away from Being a Great Story

A police spokeswoman called it "unusual" that a 19-year-old almost smuggled a loaded pistol tucked between his buttocks into a county jail this week.

Clifton Alexander Carter was transported to the Gwinnett County Jail on Tuesday after a school resource office at Central Gwinnett High School recognized him as a suspect wanted in Barrow County.

Upon searching him, officers found a loaded .25-caliber handgun hidden in the man's buttocks. There was bullet in the chamber, sheriff's spokeswoman Stacey Kelley said...

[I'm not touching that. -- biff]

Deputies felt something was amiss during their routine search and performed a strip search, Kelley said.

"Deputies felt something was amiss..."?! In other words, during their standard indoctrination program for incoming college boys, the plunger hit metal. Said metal (upon investigation by the low man on the totem pole), was discovered to be a gun.

Oh, yeah, I speak "Sheriff-ese."

Well, I Can Kiss That Security Deposit Good-bye

Sorry about the lack of posts this week, but I've been cleaning and preparing to move. Next week, I begin a new career in Seattle, doing this and that for a start-up Internet company, and I've been forced to abandon cyberspace for the real world, (which if you haven't been there in a while, let me tell you, is still filled with unscrubbed toilets, mildewed showers, and un-Hoovered dust bunnies the size of poodles). As soon as I've tidied this place up — I'm thinking it would probably be easier at this point to set the place ablaze and relocate with the insurance money — and I'm settled in the Great Northwest, I'll be back here filling this space with nonsense.

You have the Loman Guarantee on that.

Until then, go read one of those witty, wry bastards listed under "What I'm Reading." If you don't know where to begin, try here and here and, oh, here and, of course, here.

"Mr. Stipe, Your Song Really Touched Me"

I know all about the warehouse fire.
I know squirrels didn't chew the wires.
3 people have my number.
The other 2 were with me.
I don't like to tell-tell but I'm not your patsy.
This time you have gone too far with me.
I know you called. I know you called. I know your called.
I know you called. I know you called. I know you called.
I know you hung up my line &mdash Star 69

It's my favorite R.E.M. song. It reminds of someone. Every time I hear it, I smile. I wince first, sure, but I smile through it.