"I'm a Soldier in the Army of the Lord. . . "

Jet came up with the idea of the Fat Kreme Combo back when the Fatburger opened its doors in the strip mall down the hill, across from Krispy Kreme. It was a lot more innocuous then, and only involved hitting the donuts directly after the burgers. We should have just done it, because that might have squelched the whole concept before it was allowed to morph into what it did.

y: “Wait, what?”
j: “Take the buns off of a Fatburger and replace them with Krispy Kreme glazed originals.
y: “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

I pulled away from God's embrace when I was fairly young. If memory serves, it was just after someone tried to explain to me that the death of the sweetest, most innocent person I knew at the time was part of some Divine plan. I didn't know much about religion, then. I still don't. But I knew bullshit when I heard it. So I turned away from the church, haven't missed it, nor seen any signs of the Divine in the world since.

Till now. The Fat Kreme: There's no way that came from the mind of man alone.

So, lord, I'm back. Are Sundays good for you?

Because You Can't Spell Steroids without STD (which Makes No Sense. It's Just the Syphilis Riffing on a Theme)

Ruth did it on hot dogs, beer and penicillin (which is considered a performance-enhancing drug by everyone who's tried to play on only to discover that you can't just "walk off" the burning sting of a STD), but I concede. Their point stands.

"Passengers Bravely Take Down Plane Showing Big Momma's House 2" by The Onion

The Federal Aviation Administration announced today that United Airlines Flight 43, which crashed outside Parkersburg, WV last Thursday, was in fact brought down by passengers who voluntarily sacrificed their lives in order to prevent the screening of the in-flight movie selection, Big Momma's House 2.

Crews search the crash site, just hours after Flight 43 went down.

All 105 people onboard died in the crash.

'As we examine the passengers' cell-phone calls and flight recordings, we get a sense of the incredible courage displayed by these ordinary men and women,' said FAA Administrator Marion Blakey at a press conference Monday, during which excerpts from the recordings were played. 'They acted in the only way they could to stop this unspeakable horror starring Martin Lawrence as an FBI agent who goes undercover as a nanny for a sexy murder suspect.'

'These people are true American heroes,' Blakey added.

Some might see things differently, but, not me. I agree: They are the wind beneath my wings.

Eew (and Oh, To Be an Intern Again)

Illinois Pork Producers' Association
6411 South 6th Street Rd
Springfield, IL 62707-8630

Gentlemen:

Each day as I sit in the diner opposite my house, eating my bacon and drinking my milk, I wonder: why don't we drink pig milk? . . .

Thank you very much.

Guy Petzall

Guy Petzall
1949 Henderson
Chicago, IL 60657
Dear Guy:

I was excited to hear that each day you sit down to a meal of bacon, because today's pork products are 31% leaner than they were ten years ago. Pork is delicious and very healthy as many physicians recognize it as a very important source of protein. But the opportunity they present to the dairy industry is very limited. . . .

The biggest challenge facing the porcine dairy industry is collecting the product. Pigs on average have fourteen teats as opposed to cows that have four teats. Pigs also differ from cows in their milk ejection time, a cows milk ejection is stimulated by the hoimone oxytocin and can last ten minutes, where as a pig's milk ejection time only last fifleen seconds as the suckling pigs stimulate the release of oxytoc in. . . .

I hope I have answered your questions and I encourage you to think about developing a pig milking machine as you eat your bacon in the fixture.

Good Luck

Bradley Wolter
Pork Quality Assurance Intern

"Son, Go Outside and Pick Me Out a Switch. And While You're Out There, Fire Up the Generator"

As a young, new, Christian parent, Meggan Judge, 26, of Anchorage, Alaska, was looking for guidance in raising 'Godly children.' She found advice that clicked for her when a friend loaned her a popular -- and controversial -- Christian parenting book called 'To Train Up a Child,' written in 1994 by Tennessee pastor Michael Pearl with his wife, Debi, who claim to have raised five 'whineless' children. . . .

Neither Pearl has advanced training in child development or a related field. "These truths," the tall, white-beaded Michael Pearl, 60, writes in his book, "are not new, deep insights from the professional world of research, [but] rather, the same principles the Amish use to train their stubborn mules, the same technique God uses to train his children."

As you may have guessed, the Amish do not train their mules by giving them "timeouts."

And as you also may have guessed, the Pearls were able to raise "whineless" kids, because their children have stumps for tongues, having bitten them off while discipline dancing on the end of their parents' cattle prod, set to High. So while it is true that trained-up children, properly raised, don't whine (after a few sessions), you should note that they do tend to whimper, shake violently, and crap themselves.

And they bide their time. You might want to consider that.

A Message from the Management

Sorry, gang: I'm on vacation, taking a open-road tour of the finer live sex shows and cock fights of the Deep South (okay, New Orleans). I'll be back and blogging when my money runs out.

Those Bears Are Giving Sloth a Bad Name

Bears killed and ate a monkey in a Dutch zoo in front of horrified visitors, witnesses and the zoo said Monday. In the incident Sunday at the Beekse Bergen Safari Park, several Sloth bears chased the Barbary macaque into an electric fence, where it was stunned

"Witness Marco Berelds posted a detailed report on the incident, including photos, on a Dutch Web site. He said one Sloth bear tried unsuccessfully to shake the monkey loose after it took refuge on the structure, built of crossing horizontal and vertical poles.

"Ignoring attempts by keepers to distract it, the bear climbed onto a horizontal pole, and, standing stretched on two legs, 'used its sharp canines to pull the macaque, which was shrieking and resisting, from its perch.'"

Said Berelds, "He'd been slinging poo indescriminately all day. Frankly, it was just a matter of time before he hit the wrong carnivore.

"I wanted to kill him, myself. A little earlier on, he knocked my daughter's snowcone from her hands with one of his fecal fastballs. She cried like I've never seen her cry before -- so upset. He thought it was funny. He laughed and, then, he masturbated.

"Well, who's laughing now, Bobo, huh? Who's laughing now?"

Every Word That Comes from Their Mouths Is a Lie including "And" and "The" -- Dorothy Parker (I Think)

A senior federal law enforcement official tells ABC News the government is tracking the phone numbers we (Brian Ross and Richard Esposito) call in an effort to root out confidential sources.

'It's time for you to get some new cell phones, quick,' the source told us in an in-person conversation.

ABC News does not know how the government determined who we are calling, or whether our phone records were provided to the government as part of the recently-disclosed NSA collection of domestic phone calls.

Other sources have told us that phone calls and contacts by reporters for ABC News, along with the New York Times and the Washington Post, are being examined as part of a widespread CIA leak investigation.

Unless Osama bin Laden works for ABC News, the New York Times, or the Washington Post, I think the CIA is wasting its time and resources.

I cannot tell you how sick it makes me to think that the government is spying on its citizens.

When I was a kid, they use to tell us that this kind of thing only happened in the Soviet Union, and they would say it in a way that suggested we should be happier and prouder to be Americans to hear it.

We weren't. At the time, our government was run by Tricky Dick Nixon and Henry "Kiss this, bitches" Kissenger. We treated anyone bearing their standard -- even in the Cold War -- suspiciously, and doubted everything that came from their mouths. Little did we know that a president and cabinet would come along that would raise the bar on lying to the public to such a standard that Tricky Dick and Kiss This would look like George Washington and Abe Lincoln by comparison.

Yeah. "We're doing this to catch terrorists," my ass.

They're Everywhere, Damn It

Since time immemorial the Nukak-Maku have lived a Stone Age life, roaming across hundreds of miles of isolated and pristine Amazon jungle, killing monkeys with blowguns and scouring the forest floor for berries.

But recently, and rather mysteriously, a group of nearly 80 wandered out of the wilderness, half-naked, a gaggle of children and pet monkeys in tow, and declared themselves ready to join the modern world.

"Oh, good," said the Nukak-Maku tribesmen leader, pointing to a corner on the intersection of San Jose del Guaviare's two main thoroughfares. "They've got a Starbucks here, too. Who wants Mocas?"

It's Like Looking in a Mirror

Monkeys drink more alcohol when housed alone, and some like to end a long day in the lab with a boozy cocktail, according to a new analysis of alcohol consumption among members of a rhesus macaque social group.

These and other observed behaviors strongly correspond with human patterns of alcohol use. . . .

For instance, female monkeys were likely to be receptive to lower-ranked zeta males at Last Call, and male monkeys found all females attractive at closing time. Researchers also observed Last Call female monkeys exhibiting the "swing of shame" the morning after, watching the remorseful simians scraping up what dignity they had left and sneaking home under the watchful eye of the clan busybodies. Male monkeys, on the other hand, were known to smile broadly and high-five their friends at work the next day, to lie about their sexual performances, their mates' enjoyment of said performances, and their attraction to the females, even though it was clear to observers, the male monkeys were smitten.

I Don't Who Those Other Guys Are, but That Guy in the Middle Is Willie Nelson

Large tattoos on the lower back and buttocks can lead to problems for women during childbirth. . .

Tattoos are frequently positioned on the lower back, precisely where doctors inject the painkiller along the spine. Injecting through tattooed skin carries the risk of transmitting allergens or poisonous pigments into deep tissues, leading to irritation.

And if they were afraid of being penetrated by large, pointy objects or developing an infection, they probably wouldn't be pregnant. This is not an issue, Drs. Proceed.

Here's to You, Kenny. If That's Insulting, I'll Be More than Happy to Settle This with Your Husband Out in the Parking Lot

Country music star Kenny Rogers is devastated by the appearance of his face after a botched plastic surgery procedure. The 67-year-old singer became self-conscious about lines around his eyes and decided to have an eye operation last year.

Country music stars not named Dolly getting plastic surgery: Finally, we know what really killed Johnny Cash.

Reason 38,465 Why Our Army Is Better Off without Me

The 21-year-old specialist from Satellite Beach, Fla., is one of a number of military police Humvee turret gunners who are testing the U.S. Army’s new Cupola Protective Ensemble, or CPE . . .

Capt. Larry Bergeron, commander of the 549th, said the suits have probably saved the lives of three soldiers who were sprayed by shrapnel from exploding roadside bombs.

“One soldier’s visor stopped a piece of shrapnel that hit dead center,” said Bergeron, 31. “If he didn’t have that suit on the effects could have been catastrophic.”

Despite their protective qualities, the suits have earned mixed reviews from soldiers, who complain that the cooling systems frequently break down and that they “look goofy,” wearing the equipment. . . .

Soldiers wearing the CPE look and move something like small children wearing heavy winter snowsuits. . . .

The bomb disposal suits come with a pair of leggings and a large “diaper” that provides additional protection to the midsection. Since a gunner’s waist and legs aren’t exposed, those parts of the suit are not required.

Commanding Officer: This CPE, although cumbersome and poorly ventilated, can block direct shrapnel hits of Improvised Explosive Devices.

Specialist Loman: What's the downside?

CO: You mean besides being cumbersome and hotter than a camel's taint? It looks goofy.

Spec. Loman: Give it to me.

CO: Did you hear what I said?

Spec. Loman: Sir, yes, sir: Hot, cumbersome, goofy. Got it. Now, could you help me into this diaper?

CO: You don't need the diaper?

Spec. Loman: Trust me, Sir: If a piece of shrapnel hits my face guard, I'll need a diaper.

I'm a Giver. I Just Give and Give and Give.

In news that will either gladden or enrage non-billionaires everywhere, Bill Gates has revealed that he would rather not be the world's richest man.

'I wish I wasn't ... There's nothing good that comes out of that,' the co-founder of Microsoft told a conference of online advertising executives in Redmond, Washington, where the software company has its headquarters.

Well, Bill, if it helps you out any, you could always write me a check for the $10 billion difference between yours and Warren Buffet's holdings. You would then be the second wealthiest man in the world, and I would have the satisfaction that comes from helping those in need. It's a win-win situation.

Think about it. I'm just across the lake, so it's local call. Call collect if you want.

You Catch More Flies with a Rational Argument than You Do with a Laughable Exaggeration. No, That's Not It, Either

A senior prank at Huntsville High School went too far Thursday.

The halls are noisy on any given day at the school, but Thursday they were chaos after a group of seniors lured a homeless man into the halls, having him streak for a laugh.

Not everyone found it funny.

. . ."Today it's a naked homeless man," said homeless advocate Aladdin Beshir. "Tomorrow it could be a dead homeless man."

Now, do you see the error of your ways? If you'd just waited until tomorrow, you could have had him for free. Patience, kids: The lesson for today is patience.

No, wait. That's not it. Um, wow, I had it on the tip of my tongue. Come back to me.

Damn, I always freeze up on tests.

The Famous Pop-N-Fresh Giggle Could Be Heard over the Chorus of "Pour Some Sugar on Me"

A 4-foot tall Pillsbury Doughboy, which watched over a New Hampshire supermarket for 20 years, has been kidnapped. His captors have been chronicling his plight in a series of ransom notes and photos.

Employees considered him their store mascot. but, the store … is now closing, and the Doughboy's captor claims to be a loyal customer trying to stop the shutdown.

… He disappeared on April 15. Immediately, the pictures started coming in the mail, complete with notes detailing Doughboy's daily doings.

In the first note, the captors wrote, “If you close the store, the Pillsbury Dough Boy will be baked.” The accompanying picture showed the mascot wearing a blindfold.

Since then the photos have arrived every couple of days. Later images showed him at a Dairy Queen, at a local fire station, a hamburger stand and a local strip club.

At the strip club, the Doughboy appeared to be arguing with a manager in its Champagne Room, making the case—if his gestures are to be believed—that since he was without genitals, his lap dances should be half-off (or free, depending on how you view the picture). Said a supermarket employee, “That's our Doughboy. God, I miss him.”

The Lost Letters of Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr

January 4, 1804

Dear Mr. Hamilton,

It is with considerable consternation that I compose this letter, given our shared history as allies and partners in Revolution. It has been brought to my attention by one Cotton Fitzpatrick that you have recently insulted in me in a public space. In turn, I have chosen to confront you with this letter to allow you the opportunity to deny its contents. First, an account of the insults: According to Fitzpatrick, you referred to me last year at the Society of the Cincinnati as “a miserable piece of shit,” “a power monger whose diminutive wit is matched only by his disgracefully small penis,” and most offensively, as “Mrs. Burr.” Upon hearing of this diatribe, I insisted that these invectives were surely attributable to a less distinguished man, but Fitzpatrick supplied me with various newspaper accounts of your lecture, in which you apparently swore, “If I ever see Mr. Burr in public, I will tie him to a post and let my dog ravage him, if the beast can brave the stench.” Again, I am reserving judgment until I receive either a confirmation or a denial from you personally, as these words may have been taken out of context. In light of our friendship, I earnestly expect the latter.

Respectfully,
Aaron

Now Seating Bitter, Party of One

A Recently-Divorced Movie Critic Reviews The Latest Films

Inside Man

Spike Lee turns in his most commercial film to date with this taut, well-executed thriller about an unconventional bank heist. Denzel Washington, Jodie Foster, and Clive Owen all turn in solid, if not great, performances. But let me say this, if I were one of the thieves in this movie, I wouldn’t even bother trying to rob a bank. Instead, I’d marry the features editor of my college newspaper and convince him against his will to move to the suburbs, where I would try my hand at a few unsuccessful careers, including, but not limited to, opening a beaded jewelry store (for Christ’s sake.) I’d nag him until his hair fell out, then divorce him ten years later just as he’s trying to get his book published, and run off with his agent. Yeah, that’s what I would do. . . .

Despite the opportunities for heart break and soul rot, I'm going to continue the search for the first Ex-Mrs. Loman, nevertheless. There are some things that, despite their inherent dangers, you've just got to try, like bungee jumping and sex games requiring a safe word. Marriage, to me, belongs on that list, as well, down near the bottom, a last resort, something to do if the preceding items don't kill you.

You ladies are thinking, "How is this guy still single?" Well, buy me a cup of coffee, and I'll tell you.

Thanks, Norelco. I May Never Eat Vegetables Again

Does Philips expect us to believe this guy even has an optical inch?