The World Is Hardest on the Lonely People

A West Allis man lost thousands of dollars before WISN 12 News was able to uncover the truth behind a dating trap that originated halfway around the world. . . .

'I heard a lot about Web sites and stuff, and I just wanted to try one once, so I figured why not?' online dating victim Dale Bell said.

It was Bell's first venture into the world of online dating. One site found him who he thought was the girl of his dreams. . . .

"When I found her, she was actually the one that I never thought in my life would ever e-mail me back, and she was the first," Bell said.

Her name is Oladele, a former New Yorker who lived in Nigeria. She sent these pictures to Bell along with several months' worth of romantic e-mails. . . .

That was when Bell started sending something to her. . . .

"At first, she said she only needed $700, I figured OK I'll send you the plane ticket," Bell said. "And then, she e-mailed me back, and the airport told her that she needed the basic traveling allowance, the BTA, which was $450."

She kept asking for cash, and he kept sending it, on the promise that Oladele was coming to Milwaukee to be with him. She would even call him and leave phone messages.

Soon, Bell had sent more than $3,000 to the woman he never met, and there was still no sign of her.

"She was supposed to be here now, four days ago now, and still has never shown up. So she got away with getting about $3,000 from me," Bell said. . . .

For Bell, the hurt runs deep. He's out thousands of dollars, and his dream of a picture-perfect romance is shattered.

"They say a picture says 1,000 words. Well, it says a couple thousand dollars," Bell said.

I was feeling sorry for that poor lonely bastard right up till he said that. Now, not so much.

Spit or Swallow? At $80 a Bottle, Definitely Swallow

Savanna Samson -- her real name is Natalie Oliveros -- is a porn star, and a noted one at that. . . .

But Ms. Oliveros is also an aspiring winemaker. . . .

A porn star making wine, Ms. Oliveros readily admits, is a gimmick. But what sets her effort apart from the vanity wines of other celebrities like Madonna and the Rolling Stones is that it is good --— extremely good if the wine expert Robert M. Parker is to be believed.

After tasting a young bottle of Sogno Uno at a Paris bistro last fall, Mr. Parker gave Ms. Oliveros's wine a rating of 90 to 91 or outstanding, a judgment that quickly became the talk of the wine world.

Sipping a glass of Sogno Uno last week at La Masseria, an Italian restaurant in Midtown, Ms. Oliveros said she put the same passion into her wine that she puts into her sex scenes, even as she expected the wine world to turn up its nose. . . .

"People have to be laughing when they hear about it," she said. "But I didn't want it to be a joke." As for the Parker rating, Ms. Oliveros said, "He should've given it a 93."

As the wine exploded into the back of mouth, I had to fight my gag reflex to get the entire mouthful down in a gulp, but, relaxing my throat and letting the warmth flow naturally, I did it, like the dirty, little wine whore I am. Licking my lips and savoring the last drops on my tongue afterwards, the bottle sucked dry, I noted hints of wet leather, spandex, and fresh-squeezed taint floating over my middle palate.

That's when I knew she was right: the wine, indeed, deserved a 93.

"My Butt Is Not Safe Out Here"

"I've been too careless back there. From now on, I'm on round-the-clock butt patrol."

I've been there.

"Navel to Anus" Is the New "Soup to Nuts"

This country, as you know, is filled with the deranged. And then there's Travis Frey, a 33-year-old Iowa man who is facing charges that he tried to kidnap his own wife (not to mention a separate child pornography rap). Frey, prosecutors contend, apparently is a rather demanding guy. In fact, he actually drew up a bizarre four-page marriage document--a 'Contract of Wifely Expectations'--that sought to establish guidelines for his spouse in terms of hygiene, clothing, and sexual activities. . . .

Hygiene & Self-Care:
You will shave every third day which includes underarms, chest, legs, and pubic area (navel to anus), all areas are to be completely clean shaven. Above your vaginal slit you may have a patch of pubic hair in any shape, that must be centered above your vaginal slit. It will measure no greater than 2.0"X1.0" and will maintain a hair length of less 1/3".

I love the fact that she is given the right to express herself pubic-ly -- "you may have a patch of pubic hair in any shape" -- as long as she can fit her personal expression of self into a 2X1 inch, centered space.

I'm guessing, little gestures of kindness and respect like that are what made her fall so in love with him in the first place.

Hasty Pudding Woman of the Year: Halle Berry (and, By the Way, Richard Gere Won Man of the Year)

The Hasty Pudding Theatricals know crazy behavior, but the likes of Halle Berry they haven't seen before. The Oscar-winning actress was at Harvard yesterday to pick up the troupe's 2006 Woman of the Year award

Asked if that ample bosom is all natural, the former Bond Girl grabbed herself and replied, ''If I took my bra off you'd see how real they are."

Do I really need to give a reason for posting a picture of Halle Berry? Okay, Abe, George, Americans everywhere, happy Presidents' Day! There. You happy?

"Don't Get the Wrong Idea. I Only Read Hustler for Its Almost Gynecological Close-Ups of Sopping Vaginas"*

The porn magazine arrives every month at your congressman's office.

Tucked in a conservative-looking manila envelope, the latest Law edition of Hustler goes to all 535 members of Congress. Free of charge.

Not that most members want it. It usually gets thrown in the circular file marked “trash.”

But like clockwork, it keeps coming, despite efforts to have it stop.

The spokesman for Rep. Chris Cannon, R-Utah, recently tried to halt the mailing. Nope.

Several members of Congress have sued to make it stop, only to lose. Something about the public being able to seek redress from Congress means they have to take it, apparently. . . .

Interns for Rep. Rob Bishop, R-Utah, are trained to distinguish the nudie magazine's envelope from the other mail and throw it away, says Chief of Staff Scott Parker.

“So every time we happen to get one, it ends up in the trash pretty instantly,” Parker says.

"And almost as quickly -- like that -- it's out of there, taken away before the janitorial staff can sully their hands with it" Parker didn't say. "It's the damnedest thing. Since no one on our staff would read such filth, we're left with one conclusion: porn gnomes."

*Thanks, Law Guy for pointing me to this article

The Doctor Is In

I'm a man in my early 30s and I have never been in a serious relationship. I started seeing a therapist to 'get to the bottom' of my relationship problems, and her opinion is that they may stem from an incident that happened years ago. I was raised by a single mom. When I was about 15 years old, she went through a very bad breakup, and while I was comforting her, we wound up having intercourse.

- The Good Son

One, "while I was comforting her" does nothing to ameliorate having intercourse with your mother. Keep that in mind for the next time you recount that story.

Two, you were 15, had sex with your mother, and you didn't immediately kill yourself?! Please accept my deepest bow, Good Son-san. Your Denial Fu is greater than my own.

Next letter, please.

After a fun-filled night, my wife and a group of friends decided to call it a night. . . . A couple of hours after everyone passed out, my wife woke up to the sounds of Wilbur undressing in front of the couch I was sleeping on. He then started masturbating over my feet while working his asshole. Horrified, my wife did not know what to do. He finished in his sock (not on me), and went back to his couch. I was told of the incident the next day.

One, "horrified" can't possibly capture the emotions of that moment. Get a thesaurus. Try again.

Two, your wife watched your friend pleasure himself into a sock, and -- horrified though she was -- after reflecting upon events and their significance, decided "Fuck it. This can wait till morning"?! Oh, yeah, that one's a keeper.

"African Child Loves His ‘World Champion Seahawks’ T-Shirt"

10-year-old Akello Semesseke, wearing the new 'World Champion Seattle Seahawks' T-shirt given to him Tuesday by an anonymous NFL-licensed promotions manufacturer, expressed his gratitude for the gift while admitting he was not familiar with the sport of American football. . . . 'My father refused his new shirt,' Semesseke explained, 'because although he did need one, he felt it would be disrespectful to the World Champion Eagles, who kindly gave him both a shirt and cap last year.' Semesseke added that if the Seahawks had included 80 cents a day along with the shirt, he could eat.

It's Wrong on So Many Levels

I'm not against someone making a few bucks off of Christians, despite what I might have said about Mel Gibson and his movie, The Bilking of the Christ, but this. . . . This is too much.

If Blogger Wants to Keep Me Happy, They'll Look into This

He came to fame with OneTel's 'The Dude'. Now Adam Long's onto something saucier.

Long's latest character is an Indian swami putting an automotive twist on the ancient sex guide, the Kama Sutra ... called the Car-ma Sutra.

You guessed it, it's an illustrated guide to car sex, featuring positions such as the 'Backseat Monsoon'.

Long's alter ego, professor of oriental eroticism Dr A S Longalinga, says he has already proved to be a traffic-stopper in Sydney.

He says the launch of Car-ma Sutra in Bourke Street last week was stopped by police during an in-car demonstration last week.

For such things, he has a demonstration assistant (pictured).

Can I have a demonstration assistant? Blogger? Anyone?

I Have the Soul of a Poet, but, Unfortunately and Sadly, the Writing Skills of a Butcher with a Second Grade Education, So I Didn't Contribute

. . .The thing I realized about Valentine's Day, though, is that while we have all these holidays that are meant to commemorate and celebrate our special loved ones, there aren't really any devoted to the folks who have driven us to murderous rage. Thus begat the Anti-Valentine Invitational, where I asked a number of friends whose writing (and freak-magneting) skill I admire to pen an Anti-Valentine to an unloved one, Platonic or otherwise. . . .

Treyf
by Anonymous

First we were roommates. She was funny, blonde, a vaudeville-type performer. We became a couple. She kept telling me about her yeast. I'm thinking, It's because you don't wash. I thought I could deal: certain deeds on good days, you know?

But she'd come home at three a.m. from a show, her feet black--like the DOT had just been through--smelling like alcohol, cigarettes, weed, and sweat (she never washed her show clothes). Still wearing her pasties. She'd bring the stink to bed. Four days later, she'd still be wearing the pasties and the stink. Meaning she hadn't bathed. Then she'd want sex. I'd be all like: Skank. I'm not putting my lips anywhere below your chin.

She once cleaned out her purse on the floor, leaving a hefty pile of cracker crumbs next to the bed of house guests. It stayed there the whole weekend they were in town: a brown pyramid of food.

When the sinks got full--two sinks, since it was a kosher-built kitchen--instead of washing up she'd just put all the dirty dishes in the freezer. The day I moved out there was a half-eaten bowl of soup, on a plate, in the freezer, frozen with the spoon still in it.

This might be the loneliness talking, but does this woman sound hot or what?

Hey, I don't know who you are or if you've bathed, but if you're still available, call me.

Choosing Suitable Poetry for the Occasion

This year, say it with words: a carefully chosen poem can spark tender feelings in your chosen valentine. But who to go for - Sappho or Marvell, Yeats or Shakespeare? Just answer a few simple questions about your valentine, and we'll find an appropriate poem to touch their heart

My evaluation should surprise no one:

It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all - allegedly. You're not sure whether you want your valentine to burn with reignited passion or burn in hell, but poetry excels at ambiguity. Here are some apt verses to let them know they're still on your mind

The State Poem of Mississippi

I'm the land of the Choctaw
The hills of Vicksburg, and a cross-cut saw. . .

I'm a banjo pickin' and all night sings
Azaleas a 'bloomin' in Ocean Springs. . .

I'm Miss Mississippi and all her glory
I'm William Faulkner as he writes a story. . .

I'm the Mississippi River as it rounds the bend
I'm Gone with the Wind, ya'll come back again

Well, I'm everything good you have ever dreamed about
Hush yo' mouth, I'm Mississippi
I am the South

Hard to believe they're last in education, isn't it?

Laugh All You Want, but at least, I Don't Have to Buy the Chicken Dinner

Dear Hipster Valentine o' Mine.
Your t-shirts aren't funny.
And I hate your blog.
I'm dumping your emo ass,
But I'm keeping the dog. . . .

I'm writing this to tell you that I love you.
I'm writing this to tell you that I'll always be true.
I'm writing this to let you know that no matter what happens, my heart is yours.
I'm writing this to let you know that I will never give up on us.
I'm writing this to let you know that you dropped a sock just now.
From the laundry basket? Yeah, right there, by your foot.
Where am I writing this?
Oh.
Didn't you know?
I'm writing this from inside of your house.
Please don't call the cops.
I love you. . . .

Just because I'm your uncle
Doesn't mean I cannot love you
The right way. . . .

Happy Valentine's Day, Mom.
It's weird I sent you this, right?
Yeah, I thought it'd be weird.
But first I thought it'd be funny,
because you have that picture of me
from when I was three
and I'm in the bubble bath
holding a bar of soap in one hand
and in the other -- for some reason -- a hot dog weiner?
I guess it was only funny in concept,
recreating the picture and sending it to you
now that I'm forty-three.
It's too bad you couldn't just see it in my head
when I came up with it,
because it was friggin' hilarious.
Regardless, I'm no longer drinking tequila.

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone! Click on that link to read some of the best poetry for the occasion.

Single, I'm spending the night like most men in my situation, drinking with friends.

It just so happens, my friends are Jack Daniels and Jose Cuervo, which reminds me. If you find yourself in a shady bar near Pioneer Square tonight and some guy offers to let you in the back room to watch a drunk guy have sex with a chicken, please, no flash photography.

This Has Always Been One of My Favorite Skits.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "Biff, where did you get The $240 Worth of Pudding Sketch, the single funniest piece of sketch comedy ever?"

SHHHHHH. Don't you worry yo' pretty, little head about it. Ain't your concern.

But I had some time on my hands and Google, so I had to have the pudding. Ah, yeah.

Harrison Ford Is Braver in Real Life than Any Character He's Played on the Big Screen

If I didn't tell you that this thing used to be Calista Flockhart I know you wouldn't have guessed it. Instead, you probably would have left some comments asking why I was posting pictures of strange sewer creatures. And then I'd make up some terrible lie about starting a sewer creature fan club, but eventually you'd find out it was actually Calista Flockhart and we'd have a big fight because I lied to you, and trust is the only thing we have in this world, baby.

As unhealthy as she looked as a stick, it was still way more appealing than this. A plate of monkey feces is more appealing than this.

I've never seen a plate of monkey feces, but I'm going to go with, "Yeah, a plate of monkey feces is. It really, really is."

Next Time, Just Use the Del Key

On 11-08-05, Sgt. Doug Pierce notified Lt. Michael Ewing of a complaint concerning D/S Jack Munsey using his car video to inappropriately videotape females. Sgt. Pierce advised he had received information that D/S Munsey was positioning his assigned patrol car in the area of the outdoor showers at the public beach in order to videotape females showering with his in-car video system

Your honor, Biff Loman for the defense.

Did I say, "defense"? Well, I meant, "Hero," because that's what my client is, a small piece of the thin blue line separating us from savagery and anarchy, a man thanklessly serving the public one shift at a time, never knowing which ray of bright Florida sunshine will be his last, never knowing when he might be called on to take one for you, me, a thonged, preternaturally developed minor, or, maybe even some puppies.

And it gets lonely out there on the mean boardwalks of this city, your Honor, so very lonely. . . .

What?

Yes, my client is prepared to go to jail today.

I Wish I Could Quit Posting These

One, I'm never calling IT. Two, so much for getting a Mac.

I've Never Wanted to Download Music as Much as I Do Now

Almost like the original. Almost.

Pirate CDs spoil good music pleasure.

This is not the way to stop teenage boys from illegaly downloading music.

McSweeney's The Elements of Spam.

A Few Matters of Form

Colloquialisms.

If you absolutely must use slang or colloquialisms in your spam, simply use them. Don't wink at the reader.

Our so-called 'carpet munchers' will ride your 'cum rocket' then gobble down what's sometimes referred to as 'baby batter.'

Although you've successfully called attention to your mastery of pornographic euphemism, you've written a punchless sentence. Rewrite without the quotes, the clutter, and the pretension.

Their suggestions on using the active voice are even better.

"And even though I Haven't Seen the Sun since August, Here, in Seattle, I Want to Thank You for Not Creating a Suitable Job for Me in Georgia."

A federal judge has struck down a decades-old state law that allowed sales tax-free Bible purchases.

The law, which was created in 1971, was struck down because it treated some religious and philosophical works more favorably than others, U.S. District Judge Richard Story ruled in Budlong v. Graham.

Story ruled on Feb. 6 that the 'unique and preferential treatment the state provides to 'religious' literature raises serious constitutional concerns.'

He cited the 1984 U.S. Supreme Court ruling Regan v. Time, Inc. that said laws that permit the government to discriminate on 'the basis of the content of the message cannot be tolerated.'

The law exempted from sales tax 'Holy Bibles, testaments and similar books commonly recognized as being Holy Scripture.' . . .


But Sadie Fields, state chairman of the Christian Coalition of Georgia, denounced the decision.

"It does not reflect the will of the people in Georgia. . . .," she said.

Which is, of course, why we have a federal constitution in the first place, to protect the rest of us (and those cursed with the misfortune of geography that is living within the legal reach of the Georgia Legislature) from the will of the people in Georgia.

So, tonight, when you hit your knees to pray (or use the pee can, whichever), toss up one or two for Federalism and the American way of life.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I feel a few bars of "This Is My Country" coming on.

Why, You're Not the Usual French Maid (Bow-Chicka-Bow-Bow)

Q: I discovered my 14-year-old son viewing pornography on the computer. When vacuuming his bedroom, I found pornographic magazines under his bed. How should I handle this?

A: ...His sexual side is not going away. He needs to manage it appropriately. Therefore, you need to open up a conversation that fits with your values and that will help him develop a healthy approach to sexuality. It's important to know your child. Ask yourself, "How can I offer information without making him clam up, turn defensive or sneakier? How can I communicate so he will eventually come to me with his questions?"

Well, for one, you can stop using "vacuuming" as an excuse to search his room for porn, drugs, and whatever else you think he's hiding from you. It undermines the foundation of trust needed to discuss these things.

Oh! and where the good doctors says, "it's important to point out that what he sees at a pornographic Internet site or in a magazine does not depict commitment or respect between partners," I find it's important to point out that that's exactly the appeal of porn in the first place.

As always, I'm surprised I have to tell you this.

This has been another Public Service Announcement from Biff Loman and The Truth*

It's a Catch-22, Really: If You're Old Enough to Ask for the Breast, You're Too Old to Suckle the Breast

Elizah is approaching her eighth birthday and is not happy at the prospect of giving up her daily feed. "“I don'’t want to be weaned. I want to breastfeed for ever," she said.

So do the rest of us, but here's the thing: We want to do it from someone else's breasts, not our mothers'. That's creepy.

When the department of children services puts you into a normal home, where the family members don't attend the Our Lady of the Nursing Bra First Lactating Church, you'll see what we mean.

Pappa's Got a Brand New Bag of EBay-able Crap

If you were to clean out some of the closets in your home, imagine what you may find. You could hold the memories of someone famous. That's what happened to an Augusta man when he made a soulful discovery: the personal belongings of James Brown.

The items will now be shared with the community.

It was in a closet in his home that Joe Testino struck a gold mine, 'I said, 'Wow, we might really have a treasure here.''

It was a box loaded with trophies, plaques, pictures, the first makings of a music legend, 'This was really a walk down memory lane for James Brown from 1965 to '69.'

...What was once lost, her grandson found, along with a history lesson, 'Not only was his music fabulous, but he was doing more important issues like civil rights.'

Joe points out a picture as evidence, 'This is the NAACP president giving him an award in 1966.'

Also in the box:

• Brown's first Certificate of Vocal Achievement in high school
• A Best Dancer honor
• An award for James "Soul Brother" Brown
• A trophy for "Mr. Dynamite" given by Brown's first official fan club
• A worn-out straightening comb
• A pistol (2 rounds fired)
• A roach clip and other drug paraphenalia
• Bejeweled "The Hardest Working Girdle in Show Bidness" girdle

Okay, I added a couple of items to the list. Sue me.

You Really Think That Makes a Difference, Don't You? That's so Cute.

IF you want to spice up your sex life then it's about time you looked in your top drawer.

That lacy bra or sexy thong speak volumes about what you want in bed, which means you can get the sex you want without even asking for it.

In the same way that clothes say a lot about your personality, your undies can reveal what you're after in the sack.

So if you want you man to know exactly what kind of sex you're in the mood for, then you better get reading.

We asked sexpert and flirt guru Tracey Cox, which underwear you should wear to get bra-vellous sex tonight...

Hi, I am Man. Um, we've been sharing this species for around 120,000 years, but, apparently, we've never met. So, I thought I'd come over, and introduce myself. Hey.

I'm over in XY. Yeah, the cluttered, no-fills place that smells of feet and stale beer, but has the great lawn: that's the one. Anyway, if you don't have anything better to do, come on over sometime. We'll watch the game (or porn, you know, whatever) on the 54-inch wall-mounted television, drink some beers, scratch.

Call first? No. Why would you call first? Wow, you are cute. No, just pop in. Oh, yeah, if you want a clean place to sit, sure, call. That'll give me time to move some stuff.

Okay, again, I'm Man, XY. See you around.

New York City girl scores 113 points; Is Still Second Best

Epiphanny Prince was instructed to maintain her intensity on the court, despite the less-than-stellar opponent and apparent lack of a challenge. The 5-foot-9 high school senior scored 113 points for Murry Bergtraum High School in a 137-32 win over Brandeis High School, breaking a girls' national prep record previously held by Hall of Famer Cheryl Miller.

'I was telling some college coaches before the game that in the (Public School Athletic League) the competition isn't that great, and that I thought I might get bored,' Prince said. 'They told me to keep playing hard and doing my best.'

As the points began to accumulate at a Kobe Bryant-like pace, Prince recognized the rare opportunity at hand.

'After I scored 29 points in the first quarter, I didn't think much of it,' Prince told The Associated Press by phone Wednesday night. 'After I had 58 points at the half, and especially after having in the 80s after the third quarter, I just decided to go for it.

Wow, one hundred thirteen points, that's something, but it's not the record. Don't get me wrong: that is the record for most points scored by a female in high school basketball game. It's a record; it's just not THE record.

"What is THE record?" you ask. Read on, down near the end of the article. There, you'll find this aside: "Two-time WNBA MVP Lisa Leslie scored 101 points in a half for Morningside High School in Inglewood, Calif., against South Torrance in 1990. South Torrance refused to play the second half." So -- Epiphany, is it? -- forgive me if I yawn through your little story about how you ran up the score to chase away your boredom. Until you bomb an opponent into submission with a triple-digit can of whup-ass, you're just another also-ran, because E., honey, scoring 101 points in a half and chasing the other team from the field of play, that's the record.

Things You Can Do If You Love Jesus Other Than Honk.

Send him flowers for no reason

Pass him a note in geography

Make him a mix tape

Set him free

They're on a roll again over at McSweeney's. Check 'em out before they get back to normal.

McSweeney's Internet Tendency: Troubling Tyra Mails Censored From Aired Episodes of America's Next Top Model.

Forget all you think you know about post-Communist Russia and be prepared to do some serious reading and new-market brainstorming tomorrow at 8:00 a.m. —Tyra

- - - -

Vaseline can be a model's best friend. Be sure to wear underwear and make your way outside before the rooster calls in the east, for this shall be your comeuppance. —Tyra

- - - -

One of you bitches done stole my Fruit Roll-Ups. Heads will roll tomorrow at 6:00 a.m. sharp. —Y'all know my name

- - - -

Only one of you has what it takes to become America's Next Top Model. Be ready to be picked apart and crushed thoroughly by catty judges jealous of your womanhood tomorrow, for Judgment Day is upon you. Where's your God now? —Tyra

I ask myself that same question every time I see a commerial for that show.

If They'd Started Kicking Christians Sooner, They Might Not Have Been Canceled

A conservative advocacy group accuses NBC of 'hitting back' at the Christian community in an upcoming episode of 'Will and Grace.."

...AFA pointed to wire reports saying that Britney Spears will make a guest appearance on the April 13 'Will and Grace,' playing a conservative Christian sidekick to Sean Hayes' homosexual character, Jack.

When Jack's fictional TV network, Out TV, is bought by a Christian TV network, Spears hosts a cooking segment called 'Cruci-fixin's.'

Okay, yeah, that's a little offensive, but in "Will and Grace"'s defense, it's funny. And I believe firmly that there ought to be a loophole for the funny.

Unless it's at my expense, and then, not so much.

"I Did Not Have Sex with that Inmate, Mr. Lewinsky"

A jail captain accused of fondling teenage inmates on Rikers Island has been arrested after a month-long investigation, officials said yesterday.

Allegations against Capt. Dominick .Labruzzi, who worked at the only adolescent jail on Rikers, arose in late December.

Eight male inmates, ages 16 to 19, told investigators Labruzzi took them to locked areas of the jail, including a secluded basement section, touched some through their clothes and forced others to disrobe.

"They were like that when I found them," Labruzzi didn't say from his parents' home, where he was arrested, "especially the ones with the real purty mouths."