Keith Richards, the Picture of Health and Clean Living, Would Like to Say a Few Words to the Kids

The 64-year-old, who famously claimed to have snorted his father's ashes —but later denied it, revealed what his message would be to anyone using drugs.

“Give it up, it ain't really worth it. I know the fascination, but it ain't worth it,” he said.

“When I look back on all the fun I've had,” Richards said, “all the money I've made, and all the groupies, actresses, and barely legal prom queens I've shagged, all I can think is, What a waste. I mean, I could've been someone, you know. But I let drugs high jack my life plans.

“So instead of The Dream, my life ended here, in a sad mockery of the life that could have been. I've settled for heroin's euphoria instead of good, clean fun; hundreds of millions of dollars in the bank, instead of billions; and a supermodel wife, instead of an endless string of orgies that begin with horny young women doing lines of blow off my whithered, but chemically erect cock. Yeah, kids, you don't want to end up like me.

“For Lucifer's sake, just say no.

What? It's “for god's sake.” What did I say?”

“In Texas Politics, It's All Right to Step on Your Dick as Long as You Don't Stomp on It” – Molly Ivins (Well Done, Senator)

The two sons of Ann Richards, the late former Texas governor, are objecting to an Internet video published by Hillary Rodham Clinton's presidential campaign that suggests their mother would have supported Clinton.

Clinton's campaign had permission from Richards' youngest daughter, Ellen, who said in a statement provided by the campaign that her mother was an “ardent feminist” who would be thrilled by her friend Hillary Clinton's candidacy. …

But sons Dan and Clark Richards, partners at an Austin law firm, say nobody can know who the outspoken and opinionated former governor would have supported in the race between Clinton and Barack Obama.

“As her children, we never presumed to know her mind when alive and we are not prepared to make a claim as to who she would endorse or what she would do if she were still with us,” they wrote in an e-mail last week. “We are not granting permission for her name to be used in advertisements on behalf of either candidate.”

The e-mail, provided to The Associated Press by Dan Richards, was sent to Cathy Bonner, a friend of their mother's and member of Richards' administration. Bonner is working with Clinton's campaign and sent Dan and Clark Richards an early copy of the video on Feb. 19 "to make sure you are okay with it.”

Dan Richards said in an interview Tuesday that they denied permission and he's angry the campaign published the video anyway. He said the campaign contacted him again last Friday to ask him to reconsider, and he repeated his objections.

“They asked me if I would sue the campaign, and I said no, I wasn't in the business of suing the campaign, but I didn't think they should do it,” he said in a telephone interview. “To try to present who she would endorse a year and a half after she died is offensive to me.”

Cathy Bonner said in an interview that after Richards' sons objected the video was edited to remove photos of the family. “We're not saying we speak for the family,” Bonner said. She said the video is a statement from the former governor's supporters about the strong bond between Clinton and Richards.


The children of JFK, RFK, and MLK are expected to announce their fathers' support for Barack Obama tomorrow. Tupac, of course, will release his own video.

Hint: It's Wrong to Yell “Send It Up, Ya' Pussy!” at Your Son when He's Trying to Bench Press. (See? Toldja', Dad)

Seriously, you do not want to know how far down the list I got before realizing it was a joke.

“The Most Perfidious Way of Harming a Cause Consists of Defending It Deliberately with Faulty Arguments.” - Nietzsche

Clinton campaign manager Maggie Williams has responded to the terrible charges that Hillary’s people are circulating a picture of Barack Obama wearing some funny tribal outfit during a trip to Africa. It turns out this is all Obama's fault! Why? We don't know, because it makes no sense! Here's the statement from the Hillary camp.

Enough.

If Barack Obama's campaign wants to suggest that a photo of him wearing traditional Somali clothing is divisive, they should be ashamed. Hillary Clinton has worn the traditional clothing of countries she has visited and had those photos published widely.

This is nothing more than an obvious and transparent attempt to distract from the serious issues confronting our country today and to attempt to create the very divisions they claim to decry.

We will not be distracted.

Hey, wow, that totally avoided THE ENTIRE ISSUE.

This is kind of like the linguistic gymnastics they employed to get around the plagiarism issue:

I asked Clinton communications director Howard Wolfson and Rep. Jim McGovern, D-Mass, if they could assure the public that neither Clinton nor McGovern has ever done what Sen. Barack Obama, D-Illinois, did when he used the rhetoric of Gov. Deval Patrick without footnoting him.

They would not.

In fact, Wolfson seemed to say it wouldn't be as big a deal if it were discovered that Clinton had “lifted” such language.

“Sen. Clinton is not running on the strength of her rhetoric,” Wolfson said.

Which is a good thing, because, as it turns out, she might have lifted a line or two from other sources, as well.

Whether she did or not is beside the point. The point is, her campaign staff is getting positively Orwellian on the media's ass when it's called on to defend its mud-slinging tactics—which is really kind of sad, especially if you're the guy that had to resign for saying Obama used cocaine or if you're the guy who said Obama was a Muslim.

The only words of comfort I can offer those guys are, “Sorry, guys, I guess, as with most things in life, it's all about the timing.

Next Up: The Tinky Winky Home Colonic Kit

Are you ready to put this in your “Bikini Bottom”?

I was shopping at the supermarket yesterday when I came upon a unique piece of Nickelodeon merchandising—a Spongebob Squarepants Musical Rectal Thermometer! Yes, it's musical. And yes, it's clearly marked for rectal use. It actually plays the Spongebob theme in your ass when your temperature is taken!


That's wrong on so many levels, but, at least, the lyrics make sense now:

Captain: Are you ready kids?
Kids: Aye-aye Captain.
Captain: I can't hear you…
Kids: Aye-Aye Captain!!
Captain: Oh! Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
Kids: SpongeBob SquarePants!
Captain: Who's pointy and lubed and probes young hineys!
Kids: SpongeBob SquarePants!
Captain: If nautical nonsense be something you wish…
Kids: SpongeBob SquarePants!
Captain: Then drop trou, bend over, and spread 'em like this!
Kids: SpongeBob SquarePants!
Captain: Ready?
EveryBody: SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob SquarePants!
Captain: SpongeBob… SquarePants! Haha.

Hmm, a Second Vagina? Where Exactly Where the Second Vagina Be? Inquiring Minds and All

Well, I can't tell you what to do. All I can say is, it worked for me.

And, of course, “They needed killin'.”

Outlaw Abortions and Only Cartoon Ultimate Fighting Women Will Have Abortions

Forget “Why Can't Johnny Read?” Why doesn't Johnny know women don't have testicles?

I really don't know how we look other countries in the eyes anymore.

My Cult's Better than Your Cult

I never quite understood why the Clinton campaign thought Obama was the candidate for hipsters—until I saw this. If this is their idea of cool, then, yes, Obama would have to be their idea of hip.

By the way, that sound you hear? It's the baby Jesus crying.

We Tried to Make that the Back of the Washington State Quarter, But the Feds Rejected Our Bid. So Now, It's Our State Seal. True Story.

Located in the fertile Gangetic plains of Madhya Pradesh, the sprawling Khajuraho temple complex is a fascinating monument to the sanctity of human sexuality. The central theme of the temples is the celebration of womankind, her form, for her beauty and her temperament.

If you're wondering what that has got to do with buggering horses, well, your guess is as good as mine.

You don't have to wonder about that figure in the background, though. That's ye olde Biff in nymph form. You can tell because, like current Biff, Biff-ette is utterly horrified at the ongoing shenanigans, but unable to look away.

And Just Like That, They're Back on Top

Well played, Japan. Well played, indeed.

I Tease because …

No. 14—Having Black Friends

Since we are on the verge of electing a black president, it seems important to explain why white people want black friends. Every white person wants a black friend like Barack: good-looking, well-spoken, and non-violent. Obviously, whites want black friends so as not to appear racist (see earlier Obama post). However, if we dig deeper what we notice about white people is not if they have black friends but in fact, how many black friends they have. White people like numbers. They like to count things like stars in the sky and the death toll at Mt. Everest and the number of times they've seen Tori Amos and/or Phish in concert. Counting the number of black friends is then clearly a divine imperative. The number of black friends white people possess also illustrates their comfort with black culture. Here's a handy guide to the number system:


1–The white novice. This black friend is the gateway to helping white people understand gang signs and Vietnamese beauty supply stores. This black friend is probably the only black friend for many white people and when they all hang out (because white people hang out) they bring their “mutual” black friend with them.

2–The white black club-goer. Two black friends serve as bodyguards when white people go to black clubs to see how exactly one “pops, drops and locks” it.

3–4–The white BET-er. See Justin Timberlake/ Robin Thicke/ Jon B for more information. For old school reference, see Michael McDonald.

5 and up–Impossible.


Damn. White people have discovered the Internet. There goes the neighborhood. Gentrification to begin in 4,3,2,…

I Tease because I Love

Researchers in New York reported this month that they have created a paper-thin material that absorbs 99.955 percent of the light that hits it, making it by far the darkest substance ever made—about 30 times as dark as the government's current standard for blackest black.

The material, made of hollow fibers, is a Roach Motel for photons—light checks in, but it never checks out. By voraciously sucking up all surrounding illumination, it can give those who gaze on it a dizzying sensation of nothingness.

“It's very deep, like in a forest on the darkest night,” said Shawn-Yu Lin, a scientist who helped create the material at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute in Troy, N.Y. “Nothing comes back to you. It's very, very, very dark.

“Admittedly,” Lin said, “we're still decades of research and dozens of shades away from Yaphet Kotto, the Platonic ideal. This, our best effort, places us somewhere around a 4 on the Kotto scale. Maximum Kotto-itude exists at 10. So, yeah, we've got a lot of work ahead of us.

“But that shouldn't diminish what we've been able to accomplish, here. There's no shame in finishing second to Yaphet, no shame at all.”

Not So Fast There, Japan.

The king is dead. Long live the King.

Theirs Is the Superior Society

It beats the hell out of Deal/No Deal.

(And after this, I bet that one dude is not going to have any problems getting dates.)

I'm Slipping

The Movie Polygraph quiz



Score: 87% (13 out of 15)

Please, Ma'am, May I Have Some More?

Well, it does add flavor, and, come on, I can't be the only one bored with mayonnaise.

Seriously, Pull the Other Leg. It Plays Ave Maria.

Joy Wilson went looking for something to spice up her marriage without compromising her Christian beliefs.

Finding nothing, she founded her own “sin-free” sex toy business. Book22.com caters to the Christian community with books, toys and occasional advice. The name refers to the Song of Solomon, the extended love poem that forms the 22nd book of the Bible. …

“We pray about things before we add them to our site,” she says. “We live our lives very openly in front of Jesus, so we just kind of pray for direction about which way he would have us go, and I have to be honest with you—he's really surprised us.


Yeah, I bet “He” did—if by “Jesus” you mean the guy you and your husband hired from Craig's List to complete your three-way. Otherwise, not so much.

I'd sooner believe that your husband prayed and turned sinful wine into holy AstroGlide than I would that you prayed and Jesus told you to add “Oh, My Sweet Lord” low-voltage nipple clips and Anal Rosary beads to your inventory.

I Could Really Fall for a Girl with a Philosopher's Stone Tattoo

This is how the Emporium was born.

Last summer I was at a pool party where a friend, Bob Datta, was bobbing around in the water with his kids. Datta is a post-doc at Columbia, where he studies genes in Drosophila flies. I noticed that Bob had a tattoo of DNA on his shoulder. At first I thought it was a generic snippet of the molecule, but then Bob told me that it actually represents, in the genetic code, his wife's initials: EEE. Geek love in its noblest form.

Bob's tatoo reminded me that I have seen other scientists festooned with their science. There was the mycologist whose arms were covered with a black mesh, which he explained to me was subterranean network of threads produced by the death cap mushroom. And then there was the developmental biologist whose arm is swathed in the image of the fish he studies. (He declined my request for a photo of the tattoo until he gets tenure.)

So I wondered—had I bumped into the tip of a vast hidden iceberg, or do I just happen to know the few scientists with tattoos of their science? I put out a call, and the answer was an emphatic yes. For months now, I've gotten dozens upon dozens of examples, and an astonishing number of visitors who want to see them. After trying out a few different formats, I've now made the Emporium their home.


Wow. There are a some hottie scientists out there with some really cool ink.

That said, let me give mad props to this dude, because, seriously, that's committment.

I Love a Man in a Uniform

TWENTY-SEVEN years ago, in the final days of the Iran hostage crisis, the C.I.A.'s Tehran station chief, Tom Ahern, faced his principal interrogator for the last time. The interrogator said the abuse Mr. Ahern had suffered was inconsistent with his own personal values and with the values of Islam and, as if to wipe the slate clean, he offered Mr. Ahern a chance to abuse him just as he had abused the hostages. Mr. Ahern looked the interrogator in the eyes and said, “We don’t do stuff like that.”

Today, Tom Ahern might have to say: “We don't do stuff like that very often.” Or, “We generally don't do stuff like that.” That is a shame. Virtues requiring caveats are not virtues. Saying a man is honest is a compliment. Saying a man is “generally” honest or honest “quite often” means he lies. The mistreatment of detainees, like honesty, is all or nothing: We either do stuff like that or we do not. It is in our national interest to restore our reputation for the latter. (All opinions here are my own, and do not necessarily reflect those of the Air Force or Defense Department.) …

My policy as the chief prosecutor for the military commissions at Guantánamo was that evidence derived through waterboarding was off limits. That should still be our policy. To do otherwise is not only an affront to American justice, it will potentially put prosecutors at risk for using illegally obtained evidence.

Unfortunately, I was overruled on the question, and I resigned my position to call attention to the issue—efforts that were hampered by my being placed under a gag rule and ordered not to testify at a Senate hearing.


I've wondered why more people in this administration haven't resigned when they've been ordered to do the unspeakable or intolerable. Till now, I've been able to say the costs were too high. I can't do that anymore. If someone in uniform can say, “No,” no one in government can claim the risks are too high. But they will. I guess it's really just a matter of courage.

It's really nice to see that our men in uniform know how to apply that trait even when their duties don't require them to face enemy fire. In fact, it's so nice, I think I'm developing a man-crush on the Colonel.

Don't worry, Mo'. Even if someone asks, I won't tell.

It Was True in Grad School, and It is True Today: I Know Absolutely Nothing of Value—Nothing

Countries in Pop Culture, Part I



Score: 100% (15 out of 15)

In other words, I spend entirely too much time away from the real world.

How Do You Pick a Pimp Out from the Crowd? Look for the Hat. The Hat Is Always a Giveaway

Amid a discussion of trade in 1973, Chinese leader Mao Zedong made what U.S. Secretary of State Henry Kissinger called a novel proposition: sending tens of thousands, even 10 million, Chinese women to the United States.

Chinese leader Mao Zedong, here depicted in an Andy Warhol painting, offered women to the U.S.

“You know, China is a very poor country,” Mao said, according to a document released by the State Department's historian office.

“We don't have much. What we have in excess is women. So if you want them we can give a few of those to you, some tens of thousands.”

A few minutes later, Mao circled back to the offer. “Do you want our Chinese women?” he asked. “We can give you 10 million.”


Going from an offer of ten thousand women to one of ten million: he doesn't come out and say it, but you can hear it in his words—pimping ain't easy, y'all.

Actually, I'll Put Out for a Happy Meal and a Pack of Nabs, but Shhhhhh! Let's Keep That Between Us

Chris Rock's coming to Seattle, and so far, I've had no luck getting tickets, so like everyone else, I have to settle for watching his videos on YouTube.

Hopefully, TickerMaster will let me in soon because entering the validation code only to find out their servers are maxed out at the moment blows—especially when all my “friends” are calling and telling me how quickly and easily they were able to get through.

Or better still, one of you bastards could call and invite me to go with you. (I'm looking at you, Kristin.) If it makes calling easier, I'll tell you up front, for Chris Rock tickets, I will put out.

Those Had Better Be Organic, Free-Range Pussy Suckers or … Oh, Who Am I Fooling?

Sweet Pussy Suckers come as a dozen pussy shaped chocolate lollipops per jar. manufactured by Pipe Dreams. Pipe Dreams 30 Years of Pleasure Always on the Cutting Edge!


This totally beats those chalk-tasting message hearts. Totally.

Happy Valentine's Day from theOnion

Let the freak flags fly.

I Entered the Contest, but Withdrew When I Found Out the Testicles Weren't Organic, Free-Range, Grass-Fed Testicles.

Testicle Festival from ulteriorproductions.com on Vimeo.

Evan: Missoula, Montana, home of the 24th Annual Testicle Festival. We're going to be here for the next 3 days surviving solely on a diet of bull testicles and beer. …

Evan: What number would you say it is going to take to win the testicle eating contest?

Matt Powers, Owner of the Testicle Festival: 3 lbs. If you can eat 3 lbs of nuts, you're a better man than me.

Gareth: How about this? I'll promise you 8 lbs.

Matt: You'll promise 8 lbs?

Gareth: Yeah, that's right. …

[Three days later]

Gareth: What a disaster! They call it a Testicle Festival, but it is a biker orgy-murder party.

You know you're in trouble when the best adjective you can think of to describe the testicles in your mouth is “vein-y.”

Come to a Place Where You Can Openly Say 'Dude' a Lot

The Westboro Baptist Church, of Topeka, Kansas, is a hate group masquerading as a Christian church.

Led by the Rev. Fred Phelps, the misguided members of this church target homosexuals and a range of others with messages of hate. The church’s outrageous protest actions—the group prefers to picket funerals—have earned Phelps and his ilk much media coverage.

To date, the WBC’s protests have taken place in at least 22 states, and have inspired a wave of grassroots anger. As a result, 38 states have introduced bills to limit protests near funerals, and at least 29 of those states have passed such measures. Phelps has vowed to challenge the legislation, alleging that these new restrictions unconstitutionally restrict freedom of speech. …

The time has come to turn the tables. Let us all gather in one place, at one time to (peacefully) show Phelps and his church that freedom of speech works both ways.

March 30th is the date one small group is hoping one large group will take a stand against Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church. Beginning at 11:00AM on that Sunday, a planned protest will take place outside of the church in Topeka, KS.

“A million people may be aiming a little high, but we’re hoping for a large turnout,” said Chris Love, one of the March’s organizers. “This isn’t a ‘gay-only‘ event. Anyone who would like to express their displeasure with the Phelps family and their continuing message of intolerance and hate is welcome.”


This has “good time” written all over it.

So if you're in the Topeka area at the end of March, come on down and get your gay on. They'd do it for you.

Amsterdam without Hookers Is Like Kansas with Dikes

Two weeks ago a young Dutch fashion designer named Bas Kosters opened a new store. His colorful and sumptuous creations—skirts, handbags, sweatshirts—merit attention. But the most striking aspect of his new venue is the location. Kosters's work is on display in Amsterdam's Red Light District behind two tall windows that until recently were used as a brothel. The ladies have vanished. The red lights and curtains have been removed and replaced by Kosters's hyperfashionable clothes.

Kosters found this studio thanks to an ambitious plan by the Amsterdam city government. Arguing that too many brothels and sex bars are linked to criminality, the authorities plan to all but erase the Red Light District. If the plan goes through, the peep shows, sex shops and prostitute windows that line the small alleys and canals will have to go, giving way to galleries, boutiques and upscale restaurants and bars. Goodbye to the big neon signs advertising every possible form of sexual indulgence. …

The driving force behind the cleanup is Lodewijk Asscher. A young star of the Dutch Labour Party and deputy mayor of Amsterdam, Asscher believes it's time to deliver his hometown from sleaze—even if he's scuppering a $100 million-a-year industry in the process. …

But not everybody is happy about the change. Jan Broers, owner of Royal Taste, a hotel in the heart of the Red Light District, and eight prostitute windows, has formed a protest committee called Platform 1012 (named after the area's ZIP code). …

Broers is afraid that fewer tourists will come to a sexless Amsterdam, harming legitimate, legal businesses. Most of all, he says, he feels “stigmatized” by the city government. “With all his rhetoric, deputy mayor Asscher is giving the district a bad name throughout the world,” he says. “People phone me up from abroad every day, worried we might be gone already.” …


Let me take this opportunity to thank you, Jan, for not mentioning me by name and for taking my call. God bless you

Remember: You Can't Spell Valentine's Day without VD

“Oh, hello. I'm Lisa Nova, and thanks for joining me. Did you know there is a right way to celebrate Valentine's Day and a wrong way. Today, we're going to go over the wrong way, so that you do it right. Because you don't want to be the douche bag that screws up your girl's Valentine's Day, do you? … ”


No, I don't.

But if I may offer a tip to the ladies, let me offer this: “Ladies, don't date douche bags. You can't change them. They'll always be douche bags. Expecting them to act like the man of your dreams, when they're, clearly, not is just crazy. Drop them. Move on.”

To survive until the real man comes along, get a dog and a really, really, really satisfying vibrator. Trust me: You'll be much, much happier.

If I Believed in Karma, I Wouldn't Be Able to Leave My House

No surprise: fucked up version of FISA bill passed by senate, but there still are some democratic heroes. [Note: All is not lost since the disgusting senate version of FISA has to be reconciled with the House version that does not allow the telecom companies to escape punishment for their criminal act of abetting this administration's violation of our 4th amendment rights.] …

So here's where we are at: Harry Reid and about a dozen and a half democratic senators refused to do their job/caved to their corprate masters and sold us down the river. Fortunately, the house passed a version of FISA earlier that does not allow AT&T et al. to get out of jail free, and the house and senate bills will have to be reconciled. That is, this fight isn't over til it's over. I guess that's it, yes? Oh wait, there is one more juicy bit from Tagaris: 6.) At the risk of being called an Obama fanboy, he stepped up today. When he could have been campaigning and attempting to secure more delegates in a close Presidential election, he was in the Senate…voting.

Hillary Clinton, was not there to vote on these amendments—despite all the grand press releases sent out over the course of the effort.


Damn. Talk about Karma biting you in the ass (which no one who actually believes in Karma would). Senator Clinton rode Obama's ass over his voting (or not voting) record in the Illinois Senate, and now, she's got a no-show vote on a key bill in the U.S. Senate during her presidential campaign. Ouch.

That's going to leave a mark.

The House of Cards that Dare Not Speak Its Name (from GoodiebagTV)

Have you ever noticed how a couple young male friends will arrange themselves on a bus? They'll sit across from one another. They'll sit behind one another. They'll sit with a seat between them. They'll go to great lengths to not actually sit side by side.

I know what you're thinking. These guys are idiots. These guys are homophobes. What possibly could we learn from them. They're more savvy than you think.

They know “Heterosexuality is a house of cards that can collapse at any time.”

So, with that in mind:

Maintaining and Protecting Your Heterosexual House of Cards

There's one acronym you've got to remember today and that's

WANGZ

WANGZ stands for We Are Not Gay Zone. That is the buffer of heterosexuality that young men maintain around themselves.

Now, the WANGZ serves two purposes: Firstly,

WANGZ Function #1—To minimize or eliminate eye contact

Eye contact creates intimacy, and intimacy between men—that's kind of gay. …

Secondly,

WANGZ Function #2—Maintains a two foot buffer between faces.

When male faces get closer than that, inadvertent man-on-man action might occur.

These two rules serve one larger, unifying purpose:

Don't make out with your buddy.

Guys, I can't stress this enough. When it comes to displaying your heterosexuality, you gotta' make out with your buddy as little as possible. It should be very rare. …

Also at your disposal is the handy psychological technique known as sublimation:

sublimation
n.
1. To modify or divert an impulse into a more socially acceptable activity. …

Lastly, some heterosexual men might find a need to call their buddy “Sugar” or “Darling.” … In their place, try substituting the word “dude.” … But be mindful:

True Fact
You can measure a man's gayness by how often he uses the word “dude.”

So if you call your friend “dude” more than 20 times per meeting, just stop pretending.


For those of you who are confused, let me clarify: “as little as possible” does not mean “wherever you're drunk.”

Wow. They Come with Handles Now

I think that Bug was made in Brazil.

It Wouldn't Matter if He Used a Diebold Machine

The First Holy Caucus

It's increasingly likely that the Republican presidential nominee will be John McCain, who is also the Republican most likely to win the November election.

Senator McCain has unusual appeal among swing voters, and polls show him running stunningly well in general election matchups—even in a year that one might expect would be a Democratic romp. So that raises the obvious question: Who would be the stronger Democratic candidate?

The answer isn't certain, partly because Barack Obama's shine could quickly tarnish. In July 1988, Michael Dukakis was hailed as a Democratic hero with a 17-percentage-point lead over George H.W. Bush; four months later, he was a loser.

But one clue emerged in Tuesday's balloting in 14 “red states” that were won by President George W. Bush in 2004. Mr. Obama won nine while Hillary Rodham Clinton won four and is ahead in the fifth.

“Obama would appeal much more to Republican voters,” said Susan Eisenhower, a lifelong Republican and granddaughter of the late president. “Not all Republican voters, but certainly those who might be somewhat in play.”

When pollsters offer voters hypothetical matchups, Mr. Obama does better than Mrs. Clinton against Mr. McCain. …

Mr. Obama also has the highest approval rating of any major candidate among independents, 62 percent, according to a recent Pew Research Center poll. He also has unusually low negatives, which gives him upside potential.

Mr. Obama does surprisingly well among evangelical Christians, an important constituency in swing states. For example, Relevant magazine, which caters to young evangelicals, asked its readers: “Who would Jesus vote for?”

See? I told you those fuckers were crazy.

Actually, If I Had to Put a Song on a Condom, I'd Pick Cracker's “Ain't Gonna Suck Itself”

Sixteen years ago, after watching too many MC Hammer videos, Paul Lyons decided to patent the skeaziest thing he could think of (imagine taking that guy from Dual Action Cleanse infomercial's face and turning it into an equivalently sleezy product): A condom that plays music with every thrust.

(No, this is not that crappy Ukranian knockoff.) Yes, Paul Lyons can proudly tell the world he owns a patent for "a chip-controlled piezoelectric sound transducer which plays a melody or voiced message when during intercourse the contacts of the sound-playing unit are closed and the transducer is activated." It's all about free love—you can record whatever music or sound you want, be it "Danger Zone" or "Thriller." I shudder at the possibilities.


In a previous job, I knew a pious woman whose contributions to any conversation involved re-tellings of her religious experiences or amusing anecdotes that happened to her at Bible Camp. She was attractive and innocent and sexy because of that, because—god help me—thoughts of defiling pure things turn me on.

Anyway, one day she told us about a song her youth pastor taught her as a little girl that went like this:

Give me oil in my lamp keep it burnin' burnin' burnin'
Give me oil in my lamp I pray....Hallelujah!
Give me oil in my lamp keep it burnin' burnin' burnin'
Keep it burnin' til the break of day.

Because “oil,” “lamp,” and “burnin' burnin' burnin'…til the break of day,” became double entendres in my dirty mind, I took more pleasure in her performance than any normal person would and ended up having to pretend to drink coffee to hide my pervy glee at her remembrance/gospel erotica—a strategy that totally backfired when she showed the office the dance her pastor taught her to do for the second verse:

Put the unction in my junction make it function, function, function…

I spent the next half hour cleaning up spewed coffee and calming my excited parts.

I shudder to think what would happen if I could get that song on a condom, but, I'm pretty sure it would involve shuddering.

Said the Prime Minister, “We Would Have Stopped Sooner Had They Not Been So Damn Tasty”

The Australian government has announced it will issue its first formal apology to Aboriginal people when parliament resumes next month.

Indigenous Affairs Minister Jenny Macklin said the apology would be the first item of business when the new legislature convened on 13 February.

It is aimed at the “Stolen Generations"—-Aboriginal children taken from their parents to be raised by white families. …

Thousands of Aboriginal children were forcibly taken from their parents and given to white families or institutions to raise between 1915 and 1969.

The policy was aimed at forcing assimilation between Aboriginal and white communities. …

Prime Minister Kevin Rudd announced plans to apologise after his victory in last year's general elections.

The move is a highly symbolic one marking a definitive break from policies of previous administrations, correspondents say.

Ms Macklin said that the content of the apology had been determined after wide consultation with Aboriginal leaders.

It would be made “on behalf of the Australian government and does not attribute guilt to the current generation of Australian people,” she said in a statement. Said Macklin, “Everyone agrees that's fair, because no one born after '69 participated in the child sacrifices to the Great White God that bestowed power and prosperity on the nation; no one that young is in a position now to know about or participate in the Australian Independence Day celebrations in which leaders drink the blood of Aboriginal innocents stored in government blood banks to preserve the power structure and wealth created by the founding pact.”

Reached for a comment on his forgiveness speech, Prime Minister Kevin Rudd said he plans to ask the question every white Australian has asked at one time or another: “Was that wrong?” And then, he plans to acknowledge the truth as he understands it, which is simply this: “Had we, Australians, known it was wrong, we never would have let the rest of the world know we were doing it.

“Of course, I'm going to word that differently in the actual speech, but that's the gist of it.”

*For a different take on these events, go here.

Ahmed, the Middling Official Who Cried, “Ass”

It's not the worst thing that has happened in the long and bloody history of the Israel-Palestine conflict—several Israeli soldiers have been suspended following revelations that they had mooned some Palestinian shepherds.

The buttock-exposing incident was revealed when video shot by a peace activist became public, being posted on an Israeli news site.

The video was reportedly shot outside Hebron, in the occupied West Bank, where the Israeli soldiers were apparently trying to get some Palestinian shepherds to leave the area, where they were grazing their flocks.

The video, published on the YNet news site, shows two of the soldiers resorting to the time-honoured crowd control method of dropping their trousers and waving their bottoms around, while a third gives a victory sign with his fingers. …

“The Israeli society should be shamed by this footage, especially the families who raised such monsters,” Israeli Arab politician Ahmed Tibi said to YNet.


“Monsters?” “Really?” Unless they left out the part where the soldiers fucked the goats, killed and defiled the body of the shepherd, and pissed on his family when they came to retrieve his body, I'm going to say the slow news day has knocked Israeli Arab politician Ahmed Tibi off his A-game, forcing him to just phone his outrage in, because mooning doesn't come close to an Israeli atrocity worthy of the tag monstrosity.

That's too bad, because Ahmed Tibi use to be a player. When he use to point at monsters, you'd turn and see enormities of biblical proportions and scale. Now, you just see a couple of asses.

I hate to admit this, but if he does't start bringing at least his B-game to press conferences again, I'm going to start reading statements of public relations officials in the Sudan for my daily dose of outrage.

Don't Lie. You'd Huck Her, Too

It doesn't matter that you went to fake college.
Because the bible is the source of all knowlege.

Riding on a jesus horse, you and me
Every day is Christmas with Mike Huckabee.


I find his views and stands abhorrent, yet, for some reason, I find myself wanting to vote for him.

They Give Those Out for “The Sexy,” Right?

An Italian urologist and self-professed lover of the sexy shoe set out to prove that high heels were not as bad for women's health as some suggest.

The shoe has been linked to a range of problems - from corns to schizophrenia.

But in a letter to European Urology, Dr Maria Cerruto said her research showed it was time to stand up for the heel.

She said her study of 66 women under 50 found that those who held their foot at a 15 degree angle to the ground - the equivalent of a two inch heel - had as good posture as those who wore flat shoes, and crucially showed less electrical activity in their pelvic muscles. …

The pelvic floor muscles are an essential component of the female body. As well as assisting sexual performance and satisfaction, they provide vital support to the pelvic organs, which include the bladder, bowels and uterus.

But they often weaken after pregnancy and childbirth, and as the woman gets older. There are exercises to strengthen them, but Dr Cerruto hopes her findings may eliminate the need for these.

“Women often have difficulty in carrying out the right exercises for the pelvic zone and wearing heels could be the solution,” she said.


I see a Nobel prize in someone's future and, possibly, canonization, you know, if the Pope's got a pair.

“What Kind of Fuckery Is This?”

Amy Winehouse: Political activist?

The rehabbing singer is pitching in to help preserve The George Tavern, one of her favorite London pubs.

Before she entered into a U.K. treatment center, the Grammy-nominee suggested selling t-shirts to campaign against a planned apartment development which, opponents say, will ruin the bar's unusual 360-degree light. (Parts of the pub date back to 1654, and the atmospheric lighting has been much praised by artists and directors.)

“Amy's a friend, so I went to her flat to see her and she was there with her hairdresser Alex [Foden],” the pub's landlady Pauline Forster tells PEOPLE. “We started talking about the way forward and she said, ‘We've got to do a Save The George t-shirt.’”

See? I knew all those stories about her were just lies perpetrated by the Man to keep a sister down. Instead of all fighting and shooting up, she's out there fighting and shooting up and saving pubs, in other words, the lord's work. You know what that makes her? An angel, an angel straight from heaven.*

God bless you, Amy Winehouse, wherever you are.

*(I'll see your quote, ReeNee, and raise you another.)

And Make Them Eat the Maggot Cheese Like Normal Children

Humans are like goats. We'll eat any damned thing. Just ask the people who make PowerBars.

In fact, you'll find foods in this world that don't even seem possible. Not just that they could exist, but that people would actually stick this stuff in their mouths without a gun to their head.

We've found six dishes that seemed to have sprung from Satan's own cookbook. …

#4. Lutefisk

From: Norway.

What the hell is it?

Ahhh, Lutefisk. After the larvae-ridden cheese, it's a blessed relief to sample a clean, down-to-earth Scandinavian recipe.

A little too clean.

Lutefisk is a traditional Norwegian dish featuring cod that has been steeped for many days in a solution of lye, until its flesh is caustic enough to dissolve silver cutlery.

Wait, it gets worse …

For those of you who don't know, lye (potassium hydroxide/sodium hydroxide) is a powerful industrial chemical used for cleaning drains, killing plants, de-budding cow horns, powering batteries and manufacturing biodiesel. Contact with lye can cause chemical burns, permanent scarring, blindness or total deliciousness…. Or, so the lutefisk industry would have us believe.


I live in the Norwegian section of Seattle, where every year, we celebrate Norwegian Constitution Day with a big festival that is capped off by a Lutefisk-eating contest, which is inevitably won by the sweetest little girl you could ever imagine. That's right: they let children eat that drain-cleaning fish.

Before next year, people, think of the children. Someone, please, think of the goddamn children?

And I'm Thinking of Growing Out My 'Fro

Jackie Moon: Oh, hi. I'm Jackie Moon. I drink one beer and one beer only—Bud Lite—a magical blend of barley, hops, and delicious alcohol.

Director: Cutting!

Jackie: Huh?

Director: That's-that's not the line. …

Jackie Moon: Bud Light: I'm horny.

Director: Jackie, no, cut.

Jackie: What?

Director: Cut.

Jackie Moon: What's wrong with this, huh? … I know a little bit about directing. If you're going to say this is for Valentine's, for the ladies, this is the pose.

Director: Jackie, no.

Jackie Moon: Take it from a man who places electrical tape over his nipples.

Director: Cut!


I generally shun Bud Light, but I've got to tell you, I'm falling for the siren song of this sweet talker. Honestly, how can you ignore the recommendation of a man who just wants the ladies to take off their shoes and suck him sexy? I mean, how can you relate to one of those and not feel related to the other?

Clearly, I can't.

Actually, I Think She's Fucking Jimmy Kimmell. I Can't Think of Anyone Who Deserves It More

Apparently, this is the latest episode in a long-running gag. I generally hate Sarah Silverman, but I'll give her credit here. This is funny.