It's the End of the World as We Know It, and I Feel Fine

"Damn, that is one sweet Earth," you might say.

I also love the French response to nuclear Armageddon.

GO HARVARD=WE SUCK

It's almost enough to make me wish I'd paid Yale $140,000 for my undergraduate degree.

"Not With My Daughter You Don't," by Cletus P. Fishywiggle III--Guardian Unlimited Film | | Adaptation Quiz

Do you know your literary adaptations?

You scored 9 out of a possible 10

Pulitzer prize-winner. You loved Anthony Burgess's verse translations for the Cyrano de Bergerac subtitles (though you noticed the caesura was out on one of the lines), and you're always ready to spot where the film differs (inexcusably) from the book. Do you often spend your nights alone?

Yes, I do. What's your point?

P.S. Nine out of ten: Screw you, Cletus P. Fishywiggle III.

Spanning the Globe to Bring You the Constant Variety of Sport: The Thrill of Victory and the Agony of Defeat, the Human Drama of Athletic Competition

That's ABC's shtick. Me, I just look for the ridiculous, stuff like this:

The Bearcats taunted the Cardinals by dancing on their midfield logo before the game.

Louisville noticed and then commenced the blowout immediately.

As Louisville poured on the points, linebacker Brandon Johnson was hoping the Cardinals' high-powered offense and opportunistic special teams would slow down.

..."I told the guys after the game, 'You guys don't know anything about ball control. I mean, three plays, touchdown; one play, touchdown; two plays, touchdown. But that's how our offense plays. What are you going to do?"

I don't know what you're going to do, but I know what the captains of the Bearcats are going to do: Look for a new pre-game routine.

"I'm Gonna Wash That Sin Right Out of My Hair..."

This is sort of fun. Yeah, it's fairly easy to find sins outside of its database of responses. "I buried the bodies under the house" and "I've been mooning nuns," for instance, got its default absolution phrase. Occasionally, though, you can type in something fairly bizarre and get a semi-appropriate response. "I married another man" and "I've been masturbating like a zoo monkey," both, got replies that made me giggle.

Um, for the record, I haven't been doing any of those things. I was just making stuff u....

Okay, I have been mooning nuns! Is that so wrong?

"Cows with Guns" (and More Than a Couple "Bad Cow Puns")

We will fight for bovine freedom,
And hold our large heads high.

It's worth a grin or two.

Finally, a Toilet Paper Even a Marxist Can Love

Welcome to ShitBegone

Brands obscure the reality behind nearly everything we buy. When you buy a brand, do you know what you're really buying? What i's made of, how it's put together, who makes it? Usually not--because traditional brands are all about hiding that reality.

I started making ShitBegone because I wanted to know where this product came from--how it was made, and how it got to that store near me....

ShitBegone is a joke but it is also a metaphor. The joke and the metaphor are both about transparency. Most people use toilet paper to wipe up shit, but most companies do not sell toilet paper by talking about shit. They sell it with the opposite of shit--bullshit. Fluffy bunnies and such.

That's true, but those bunnies feel so good, and they're reusable.

He Raised His Rifle, and in a Burst of Fire, a Blast of Smoke, Old Yeller Was Gone

Understand: no one wanted to do this. It simply had to be done.

"You're a Wonder, Wonder Woman!"

Say what you want about her--"she's let herself go," "the years have been unkind," "she shouldn't wear that white girdle after Labor Day," whatever--the woman knows how to accessorize.

They Really Do Have Something for Everyone at Target

Anal Massage

$35.96
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when you spend $30

I've never been to Target. I've never had a reason. I'm thinking about going.

"The Election Is Closer than Lassie and Timmie"

Election Night Dan Rather Quotes

From 2000: "This race is tight like a too-small bathing suit on a too-long ride home from the beach."

and 2004: "Bush is sweeping through the South like a Big Wheel through a cotton field."

You know, we may have to put Dan down, like a beloved pet that's gone rabid.

See Biff Laugh. Laugh Biff. Laugh.

Bubbe: grandmother. There is no word for grandfather, because he's already dead.

Oh, I'm laughing. I'm laughing my tuchas off.

"Insanity Runs in My Family. It Practically Gallops"

The American Film Institute is selecting the 100 best movie quotes of all time. Here, on their site, they've included a pdf with the 400 nominees from which they'll choose the winners. Feel free to check it out.

Frankly, the fact that they've included lines from Jerry Maquire casts the integrity of the whole project into doubt. I mean, I am shocked &mdash SHOCKED!! &mdash to find that instead of my favorite (and often paraphrased) line from Casablanca, as well as those from Raising Arizona, they've included "Show me the money!"

What can I say, it's a crazy world. Someone ought to sell tickets. (I'd buy one.)

Of course, if they ever want to do 100 speeches, I'd nominate these two from Pulp Fiction:

What now? Let me tell you what now. I'm'a call a couple of hard, pipe-swinging n*ggers, who'll go to work on homes here with a pair of pliers and a blow torch. You hear me talking, hillbilly boy? I ain't through with you by a damn sight. I'm'a get medieval on your ass. ("I'm'a get medieval on your ass," now that I think about it, should've been included on the list.)

and

There's a passsage I got memorized, Ezekiel 25:17: The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you." I've been sayin' that shit for years, and if you ever heard it, it meant your ass. I never really questioned what it meant. I thougth it was just a cold-blooded thing to say to a motherfucker before you popped a cap in his ass. But I saw some shit this morning, made me think twice. Now, I'm thinking, it could mean your're the evil man, and I'm the righteous man, and Mr. 9mm, here, he's the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. Or it could be you're the righteous man, and I'm the shepherd, and it's the world that's evil and selfish. I'd like that. But that shit ain't the truth. The truth is you're the weak, and I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm trying, Ringo. I'm trying real hard to be the shepherd.

oh! and this from Caddyshack:

So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over the Himalayas.A looper, you know, a caddy? a looper? a jock? So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. The twelfth son of the Lama: The flowing robes, the grace, bald &mdash striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one &mdash big hitter, the Lama, long &mdash into a ten-thousand-foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gung galunga...No, gunga, gunga-galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and the's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey! Lama! Hey! How about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know?" and he says, "Oh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousnes." So I got that going for me, which is nice-sh.

But since they're not in the running, I think I'll just pull for this one from The Diary of Anne Frank to make it: "In spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart." (I'm in a good mood today.)

ABC News Online Says, "Big Bums allow humans to run." Expect Outrage from Family Groups and Then an Apology from the Network Shortly Thereafter

Humans were born to run and evolved from ape-like creatures into the way they look today probably because of the need to cover long distances and compete for food, scientists have said.

From tendons and ligaments in the legs and feet that act like springs and skull features that help prevent overheating, to well-defined buttocks that stabilise the body, the human anatomy is shaped for running.

So, that's that, then. I don't have a big ass: I have a well-stabilized body.

Jealous?

"Screw You Guys! I'm Going Home. Screw You. Home."

You are most like Cartman.
You love to brag on your friends. You are a real
fat ass. And You love your cheesy Puffs. And
loves T.V. and your moms a whore.


What South Park Character Are You
brought to you by Quizilla

It's true, all of it. (Sorry, mom.)

What Is This "Orgasm" You Speak Of? Can You Show It to Me?

Among human societies the most advanced orgasmically are purported to be the women of Mangaia, a southern Cook Island in central Polynesia. Mangaian boys go through a series of initiation rites into adulthood. Part of the initiation includes being instructed in methods of stimulating women to maximum sexual pleasure. Indeed, Mangaian women are expected to attain orgasm during intercourse each time; if not, the Magnaian man who fails to please her loses his status in the island's society.

Honestly, is there somewhere on this planet a class or caste system, some social organization, in which I don't form the bottom rung, constitute the Untouchable class? Really? Where is it? I'm dying to know.

"I don't know. He seems like a decent man. Maybe, his advisors are screwed up."

When I was growing up, I dreamed of becoming president of the United States, getting involved in a lurid scandal, and being forced to resign one step ahead of the impeachment posse. Like those actors who practiced writing their Oscar-acceptance speeches, I use to write my resignation letter from time to time to motivate myself: "To save my family, friends, and supporters further embarrassment, ..." I dig them out and read them every now and then, to recall that sweet, young kid with stars in his eyes, who was told by his teachers he could do anything, and wanted to do that. Where did that kid go? [wistful sigh]

That's beside the point, which is this. I'm from a town called Fayetteville, in the great state of North Carolina. It's the kind of place where dreams go to die, ambition goes to fester, and everyone goes to sleep at night, praying for death's sweet, sweet release. It exists to suck the money out of the military base beside it and the will to live out of the troops that reside there. I know that. So here's the thing: if I were a disgraced former president out to build a library and social justice center, I wouldn't approve any drawings that resembled anything emblematic of that city, anything that depicted, say, a topless bar or a pawn shop or a check-cashing joint or an emergency room. "No. Thank you," I'd say to the misguided architect. "Try again."

So excuse me if I can't figure out why Bill Clinton gave the go-ahead to this:

The Clinton Presidential Center

It looks like a mobile home, a tornado tossed into the trees.

Is this really the best way to introduce yourself to the next generations of Americans?

The Onion, "Nation's Poor Win Election For Nation's Rich"

"The Republican party--the party of industrial mega-capitalists, corporate financiers, power brokers, and the moneyed elite--would like to thank the undereducated rural poor, the struggling blue-collar workers in Middle America, and the God-fearing underpriviledged minorities who voted George W. Bush back into office," Karl Rove, senior advisor to Bush, told reporters at a press conference Monday. You have selflessly sacrificed your well-being and voted against your own economic interest. For this we humbly thank you."

Added Rove: "You have acted beyond the call of duty--or, for that matter, good sense."

Added Loman: "Bad electorate! No treat!"

It's Just Not Ha-Ha Funny

It's funny because it's true.

I Am Resigning to Devote Attention to a Personal Project, The Passage of a No Unfinished House Left Behind Act

November 5, 2004

The President
The White House
Washington, DC 20500

Dear Mr. President:

This letter comes to advise you of my desire to resign from the position of United States Secretary of Education effective at the end of your first Presidential term. It comes also to express my deepest appreciation to you for the opportunity to serve you and the nation in such an important position.

I am very proud of the many accomplishments achieved by the talented and committed men and women of the United States Department of Education. ...

[Yadda, yadda, yadda, I won the war on terror, waged against the National Teacher's Association. Yadda, yadda, yadda.]

...Although the aforementioned accomplishments represent but a sample of the achievements of the talented and committed members of your U.S. Department of Education, I believe they represent a solid foundation from which to launch new and invigorated leadership for the Department. I believe also that this is an appropriate time for me to return to Texas where I can devote attention to a personal project, which I began planning prior to assuming my present responsibilities. ...

Sincerely,
Rod Paige

According to the NYTimes, that personal project is remodeling his home.

Godspeed, tireless public servant. Godspeed.

I'm Just a Girl Who Can't Say No. Um, Check That

I am a hybrid of: Progressive Girl Gourmet Girl Click on the pictures below to read more: Take the 'What Kind of Girl Are You?' quiz at CookingToHookup.com

I, I, I'm Just a Love Machine, and I Don't Work for Nobody But You and You and You and You and, okay, You...

Somethin' Stupid

I know I stand in line
Until you think you have the time
To spend an evening with me.
And if we go some place to dance
I know that there's a chance
You won't be leaving with me.

Then afterwards we drop into a quiet little place
And have a drink or two.
And then I go and spoil it all
By saying something stupid like "Love me , love my cats."

"So I said sorry, I can't sleep with cats and the relationship finished. I was heartbroken for a while." But considering that he dated over 200 women in a five year period, he didn't let that stop him.

For that, I admire him, just like I admire him for showing her the cuffs and getting out of there. Silly me, when the fight-or-flee survival instinct kicks in during a relationship, I fight. I try to make it work, when, clearly, I should be running, like this guy.

That said, 200 dates over a five-year period. That's not serial dating. That's a desperate cry for help.

Pancakes for Pinkos

You don't have to be a Commie or an Anarchist or even a Democrat to enjoy these pancakes, but it helps:

Commie Apple Oatmeal Pancakes

3/4 cup whole wheat flour
1/8 cup oats
2 tablespoons oat bran
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup raisins
1/2 cup chopped apple
1 cup apple juice

Combine dry ingredients. Add raisins and apple. Gently stir in juice until dry ingredients are completely moistened. Pour batter by 1/4 cupfuls onto a nonstick skillet or griddle. Cook until bottom is brown and spatula slips easily underneath. Turn and brown other side. Makes eight plump pancakes.

Whether you are or not, once you see how all these ingredients--free to express their true selves within the community of the pancake--come together to form a truly utopian breakfast experience, you'll find yourself thinking about the "withering away of the State." Oh, yes, you will.

Your mind may still say, "No, no, no (that'll be the false consciousness talking)," but your taste buds will be saying, "Yes, yes, yes."

Or I'll eat my copy of The German Ideology.

"Should I Stalk William Shatner Test"

5. If Someone says Picard could take Kirk in a fight, I:

a. Tell them it would depend on who wrote the script.

b. Cry.

c. Argue relentlessly until all chances of a mature relationship with a woman are gone forever.

d. Clench my teeth and contract my abdominal muscles so hard the cords on my neck vibrate, my face turns dark purple, my protruding eyeballs begin to darken with burst vessels and a film of pink foam coats my lips while making an "EEEeeeeeee EEEeeeeeeee" sound kind of softly.

Camp is my religion; Shatner is my god.

Build a Better Mousetrap and the World Will Beat a Path to Your Door --Ralph Waldo Emerson

Your sick and twisted, perverted, idea-stealing door:

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Lost your lover? Lost your job? Just plain lost your will to live?

It doesn't matter. Simply let our expert team of writers craft your final missive to loved ones for a legacy that can only be enjoyed posthumously. According to your specifications, we'll create a stylish and memorable suicide note that leaves your survivors not only in awe of your decisive action, but also of your eloquence and clarity of mind.

I Apologize for Nothing...

...but I'm not Steve Almond. Regrets, he's had a few:

I would like to apologize to Dick Cheney for implying that he drinks the blood of impoverished black children and sleeps in a coffin. That was wrong. ...

I would like to apologize to Fox News for referring to its esteemed media operation as the Goebbels Channel.

The suggestion I made, back in August, that I would "pay good money to see Michael Moore sodomize Ralph Reed" was, in retrospect, below the belt.

"Chin Up. Because It's on, Motherfuckers. It is on."

It's the kind of poetry Shakespeare would be writing if he were alive today and his candidate had lost an election to Shrub. Honestly, I laughed, I cried, it moved me.

Motherfuckers.

The Good News Is, Hope, Like the Phoenix, Always Rises from the Ashes of Its Funeral Pyre...

...The bad news is, it's just going to die again. Fuck.

The Lines Form Thusly: Flu Shots, British Columbia; Cheap Prescription Drugs, Ontario; Political Asylum, Quebec; Everyone Else Goes to Manitoba.

Disgruntled Democrats seeking a safe Canadian haven after U.S. President George W. Bush won Tuesday's election should not pack their bags just yet.

Canadian officials made clear on Wednesday that any U.S. citizens so fed up with Bush that they want to make a fresh start up north would have to stand in line like any other would-be immigrants--a wait that can take up a year. ...

Asked whether American applicants would get special treatment, she replied: "No, they'll join the crowd like all the other people who want to come to Canada."

In other words, there is no line. Woo, hoo! Last one to Montreal's a rotten egg.

"It Sounds Like Somebody's Got a Case of the Mondays"

"A Loyola University student stood up in his communications class Monday morning with a knife to his throat and refused to let other students or their instructor leave, New Orleans police said.

Timing? Context? Choice of Weapon? I don't know, but is it me, or was this a lot funnier when Clevon Little did it?

And Just Like That Grand Rapids, Michigan Is Off My List of Places To See in America

A high school student's costume garnered a top prize &mdash and a five-day suspension &mdash at the school's Halloween masquerade party. The Ku Klux Klansman getup took the prize for the scariest costume at the City High School dance attended by the principal, assistant principal and other staff members.... Contacted by the newspaper, the student declined to discuss his Halloween outfit. He said school leaders advised him to keep mum, and that he didn't want to cause any more trouble for himself.

You wouldn't think a kid who'd wear a Klan costume to a high school dance in a city with a fairly large African American population, 20%, would be so easily cowed. You'd expect him to speak out about how this is about his heritage and not their hate. You'd expect him to be ready for his close-up. Well, you'd be wrong.

Silly goose.

P.S. You've got to love that the Ads by Google recommendations for this article are for costume shops. I wonder if they've received any requests for Klan sheets and hoods.

Election Day and Voting: A Celebration of Democracy. Plus, Cocktails Are Half Off with an "I Voted" Sticker

2. Tonight, you should not be alone. You're probably going to need a lot of alcohol to survive, and drinking alone is bad. Gather people together, watch the Jon Stewart Daily Show live coverage, and develop some sort of drinking game. Just remember the most important drinking game rule of all: "Finish bottle when George W. Bush realizes he's losing and declares martial law."

I'm drinking Coors for the red states, an amusing little French Bordeaux for the blue states, and a tequila shot every time a talking head mentions Florida and the fiasco of 2000. What can I tell you? Election night is Woodstock for graduate students in political science.

A Long Overdue Love Letter to Our Bottoms: "Derrierest, How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count the Ways"

Derriere The Book

The Bottom Line on Butts

Unabashed and unassuming, DERRIER THE BOOK is a refreshing and sexy tribute to the human buttocks. Featuring interviews, photos, historical references, cultural influences, and other butt-related intelligence, ....

Here is your opportunity to contribute your ideas to development of this book. ...Do you have any funny or interesting stories/facts/statistics that readers would find interesting?

Do I ever! Unfortunately, the relationship I have with my rear, respectful and loving, prevents me from participating in this project.

And I won't be reading the book, either, not because I'm an ass prude of some sort, but (sorry) because I'm more of a Derriere The Movie kind of guy.