Reason 125: Because I Have Always Wanted to Try a "Rusty Trombone"

Scholars in antiquity began counting the ways that humans have sex, but they weren’t so diligent in cataloging the reasons humans wanted to get into all those positions. . . .

Perhaps you didn’t lament this omission. Perhaps you thought that the motivations for sex were pretty obvious. Or maybe you never really wanted to know what was going on inside other people’s minds, in which case you should stop reading immediately.

For now, thanks to psychologists at the University of Texas at Austin, we can at last count the whys. After asking nearly 2,000 people why they’d had sex, the researchers have assembled and categorized a total of 237 reasons — everything from “I wanted to feel closer to God” to “I was drunk.”

. . . The researchers, Cindy M. Meston and David M. Buss, believe their list, published in the August issue of Archives of Sexual Behavior, is the most thorough taxonomy of sexual motivation ever compiled. This seems entirely plausible.

Who knew, for instance, that a headache had any erotic significance except as an excuse for saying no? But some respondents of both sexes explained that they’d had sex “to get rid of a headache.” It’s No. 173 on the list.

Others said they did it to “help me fall asleep,” “make my partner feel powerful,” “burn calories,” “return a favor,” “keep warm,” “hurt an enemy” or “change the topic of conversation.” The lamest may have been, “It seemed like good exercise,” although there is also this: “Someone dared me.”

The best news is that both men and women ranked the same reason most often: “I was attracted to the person.”

The rest of the top 10 for each gender were also almost all the same, including “I wanted to express my love for the person,” “I was sexually aroused and wanted the release” and “It’s fun.”

The results contradicted a stereotype about women: their supposed tendency to use sex to gain status or resources.

“Our findings suggest that men do these things more than women,” Dr. Buss said, alluding to the respondents who said they’d had sex to get things, like a promotion, a raise or a favor. Men were much more likely than women to say they’d had sex to “boost my social status” or because the partner was famous or “usually ‘out of my league.’”

Dr. Buss said, “Although I knew that having sex has consequences for reputation, it surprised me that people, notably men, would be motivated to have sex solely for social status and reputation enhancement.”

But then, men were also more likely than women to say they’d had sex because “I was slumming.” Or simply because “the opportunity presented itself. . .”

I'm going to go with that. That and because I wanted to feel closer to god I was drunk.

Peanuts by Charles Burkowski: "Good Grief, You Cunts"

Schroeder played the piano and all of the girls loved him. They would sit there for hours and watch him play. Schroeder had a big old cock, too, and the girls loved that just as well. The times Schroeder wasn’t playing one instrument, he was playing the other. He would play the piano all day and screw all night and he got maybe an hour or two of sleep. He came into the bar one afternoon and took a seat next to Charlie.

“You’re looking sort of beat there, baby,” Charlie said.

“You don’t know the half of it,” said Schroeder. “It’s these girls. They’ll kill me one of these days. They just won’t quit, Branaski! Every time I think I might get some sleep, here comes another one, pounding at my door. It’s enough to drive me mad. . . .

“There’s Lucy and Violet. They’re some real pieces of work, Branaski. They don’t get jealous of each other and sometimes one will come over while I’ve still got the other one in the sack! It’s not like Frieda. I think that Frieda would kill me if she ever found another woman over. It’s nothing but trouble, all the time. More trouble than it’s worth, I can tell you that much.”

And Charlie said, “Maybe you should just give it up.”

Schroder laughed and clapped Charlie on the back.

“I could never give up women for the same reason I could never give up the piano, Charlie Branaski: I’m just too damn good.”

Schroder, he was always my favorite Peanut.

Well, if the Guards Are Going to Dress like That, There's Going to Be Sins of Onan Going On in the Cells. In Fact, Excuse Me a Minute. . .

It is a verdict likely to cause great consternation to lonely prisoners throughout the US penal system. A prisoner in Florida has been found guilty of indecent exposure for masturbating alone in his cell.

Terry Lee Alexander, 20, of Lauderdale Lakes, Florida, was sentenced to a further 60 days in jail on top of the 10-year term he is currently serving for armed robbery, the Miami Herald reported yesterday.

He was prosecuted after a female sheriff's office deputy witnessed him performing the sex act in his cell in Broward County, Florida, last November.

The case drew sniggers from the courtroom as prospective jurors were questioned about their own masturbatory habits and the only witness was asked whether she had considered calling in a Swat team to tackle the defendant.

That's probably what it would have taken to stop me from masturbating at that age.

But for the record, they can stop a guy from masturbating alone in his cell, but they can't stop 3 or 4 guys from gang raping a guy in the shower, even though a guard is standing within ball-tickling reach of the offender? Good to know.

Oh, American justice, you are a fickle mistress.

"I <3 Turd" Peace Out, Yo.

Let the champagne splash
Let that man get cash, let that man get past
You don't need to stop to get gas,
If he can move through the rumors, he can drive off fumes
Cause how he move in a room full of No's?
How he stay faithful in a room full of hoes?
Must be the pharoahs, he in tune with his soul,
So when he buried in a tomb full of gold.
Treasure, what's you pleasure?
Life is a, uh, depending how you dress her
So if the devil wear prada, Adam, Eve wear nada,
I'm in between, but way more fresher. . .

I know what you're thinking: "No video could ever do justice to Kanye's poetry on the page." All I can say, ask, really, is, "Do you ever tire of being wrong?"

Order Now and Get Baby's First Therapist

This is the practice doll they train priests with.

I Don't Even Want to Know What the Mother Is Covered In

In a bizarre string of events Tuesday morning, two young boys were found abandoned in a car in Salem and then several hours later, police arrested their father after he was caught sleeping in an SUV parked inside a garage just one block away.

Here, in the Pacific Northwest, almost every news story begins with the phrase, “In a bizarre string of events . . .” and ends with someone half-naked and covered in goo, so forgive me if I'm not shocked — SHOCKED! — to read this.

You Don't Have to Write a Comment to Tell Me. I Know I'm Going to Hell for This

Officer Shevy Wright of Chandler was fitted with a custom-made uniform to fit his 4 foot, 2 inch body, complete with handcuffs, a radio, a badge and a Taser gun.

He was given a locker at the main Chandler police station and a license plate with his badge number, CPD1018, for his future car.

Shevy’s wish is to become a police officer. After he was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor in December, the Chandler Police Department rallied around this little boy to make his dream a reality. . . .

Shevy joined the ranks of the Chandler Police Department Wednesday morning after he took an oath of office from Chandler police Chief Sherry Kiyler. Chandler Mayor Boyd Dunn also read a special proclamation in his honor. . . .

Shevy spent the day doing various police activities. He ate a doughnut, took a ride in a helicopter and worked with the K-9 unit. He took a ride in a Special Assignment Unit van, went on a ride-along with an officer and practiced firing a gun in a Fire Arms Training Simulator.

After lunch, he rode with the Vice Squad, a tour of duty that saw him plant crack cocaine on a suspect and violate the city's No Touching rule in a local strip club.

He concluded his honor patrol with the Traffic Division, during which he pulled over a black driver for no reason at all, and when it was determined by the attending officers that the suspect was “mouthin' off,” Shevy got the opportunity to use his Taser. And he did.

"Greatest day of my life," the pint-sized patrol officer said. "Today, I know how it feels to be a hero."

"Push that Tail up! Me-ow! Up" - Susan B. Anthony of Pole Dancing

Kate, pole dance student:I think, some of the things that classic feminists fought for would be, like, rights — women's right to vote, equal pay rights, um . . . Pole dancing is better than classical feminism in every way possible.

As a guy who is attracted to strong, intelligent women who take a backseat to no one, I can say with all sincerity that when Kate the pole-dancing student said that, my penis threw up in its mouth, just a little.

He's Thinking, "Wow, so That's How They Ride Horses in the U.S. Live and Learn."

Nigerian schoolchildren who received laptops from a U.S. aid organization have used them to explore pornographic sites on the Internet, the official News Agency of Nigeria (NAN) reported Thursday.

"Efforts to promote learning with laptops in a primary school in Abuja have gone awry as the pupils freely browse adult sites with explicit sexual materials," NAN said.

I don't know. It sounds like they're ahead of the learning curve to me, and, besides, I'd rather they surf porn than send me spam me for help in accessing their families' fortunes.

. . . Give me Grottos Packed with Drugs, Booze, and Exotic Hookers from Far Away Locales, like Chicago, or Give Me Death

Henry T Nicholas III . . . founded the company Broadcom in 1991, making the innards of cable TV boxes at his Redondo Beach apartment. When it floated in the go-go years of the internet boom, his shares went up in value 40 times and he soon acquired the trappings of the super rich: private jets, a Lamborghini and a mansion in Laguna Hills with its own equestrian estate and, court documents claim, his personal brothel, hidden in an underground grotto.

The grotto was reached by hidden doors with secret levers, leading to tunnels and a 2,000sq-ft underground sports bar called "Nick's Café". According to claims in court papers, this was a "secret and convenient lair", to cater for "Mr Nicholas's manic obsession with prostitutes" and his "addiction to cocaine and ecstasy".

And I suspose you would have used the money to glorify god or buy iPhones for the poor or feed the hungry or something equally saintly.

Well, I don't know what path other may take, but as for me . . .

Scramble All Cars. I've Got a Signal 8A, and, by the Way, I Quit

There's a conversation in the movie Broken Arrow, where they explain to the audience surrogate, Giles Prentice, what a broken arrow is — a lost or stolen nuclear weapon. Upon hearing the explanation, Giles remarks, “I don't know what's scarier, losing a nuclear weapon or that it happens so often there's actually a term for it.” That's kind of how I feel about Police Signal Code 8A, Genital Bleeding. I think it is very scary that the police see that so often that they have a code for it.

Once Again, the Gold in the Freak Flag Olympics Goes to . . . Japan

When the 45-year-old, who uses a pseudonym of Ta-Bo, returns home, it's not a wife or girlfriend who await him, but a row of dolls lined up neatly on his sofa.

Each has a name. Ta-Bo often watches television with his toys before bathing them, powdering them so that their skin feels more human, dressing them in lingerie and then taking them to bed.

"A human girl can cheat on you or betray you sometimes, but these dolls never do those thing. They belong to me 100 percent," says the engineer who has spent more than 2 million yen ($16,000) over the past decade on the dolls.

"Sometimes it takes too much time before I can have sex with the person I meet. But with these dolls, it's just a matter of a click of the mouse. With one click, they are delivered to you."

The man, who says he has had sex with five women but prefers the dolls, is one of a gradually increasing, though secretive, group of Japanese men who have given up on women.

And the women thank them.

Oh, Yeah, like You Would

Investigators with the Hamilton County task team ran across the ad for massage therapy during a routine check. The team includes members of the Hamilton County Sheriff's Department, the Noblesville Police Department and IMPD vice unit.

An undercover officer with IMPD contacted 37-year-old Tami Barrett about the services.

"But some of her emails implied there was something more that could go on," said Vicky Dunbar, Hamilton County Sheriff Public Information Officer.

Barrett agreed to meet the officer at the Holiday Inn Express in Fishers. The officer gave her $140 in exchange for a sex act and she was then arrested. Barrett is charged with solicitation of prostitution and is now out on a $2,500 bond.

Is it me, or does $140 not go very far in Hamilton County?

Seriously, when it comes to sex, I like to think I'm fairly democratic when it comes to partners, but if I were in Hamilton Country and my massage included any genitals-on-her contact, the only ‘happy ending’ I can imagine is being doused in kerosene and set aflame.

Who'd a Thunk It, that the Only Black Giuliani Supporter in the Nation Would Be Semi-Hot?

In the future, all political contests will be decided by pillow fights. I, for one, welcome our half-naked overlords.

And, "Whoa!" Is Right

I think I slept through the part where Little Red Riding Hood encounters the raccoon with the frighteningly large scrotum. Thank you, Japanese advertising, for pointing out another flaw in my upbringing.

Thanks, MLK. Thanks for Dying so That We Can Do This

Honestly, there are days when I can't tell right from wrong, and, then, there are days like today, when right and wrong are as clear as KY to me, when I can see that things, like that video, are wrong on so many levels.

Ladies, gentlemen, set your faces on stunned.

Because that's How Good It Is to be White — or to be in Utah (Same Thing)

A judge today sentenced the son of an imprisoned Utah polygamist to 180 days in jail for having sex with a 13-year-old girl.

William Green, 19, must avoid pornography, stay out of Internet chat rooms and pay a $500 fine, 3rd District Court Judge Royal Hansen said. He met the victim on MySpace, a Web site.

"He's a remorseful kid," his attorney, David Leavitt, said. "He's married and has full-time work. I think you'll see this is a blip on the radar screen."

You got the judge to see two counts of sexual battery of a minor as a “blip on the radar screen?” Holy crap! What was your closing argument: “If the 13-year-old vagina don't fit, you must acquit?”

Listen carefully. That muffled sobbing in the background is Johnny Cochran crying himself to an eternal sleep in his grave.

Those Guys Had Better Not Strip in Florida, because in Florida, They Don't Play That

Two people were arrested early Saturday after a bachelorette party got out of control over a male stripper act, according to police.

Washington County sheriffs said a Portland man called police to the home on NW Kearney Street just after midnight to report a robbery.

The caller said he was acting as a security guard for his two friends hired to perform a striptease routine -- but told police the men stopped their act after the women became too drunk and unruly.

He told 19-year-old maid of honor Tessa Weller that the three were going to leave, according to deputies. But that’s when Weller called her boyfriend to come get the money back from the strippers. …

Officers arrived and arrested Fultz for weapons charges, menacing and robbery. Marisella Lee Vidalez, 19, was also arrested for slashing the victim's tire.

Women: Can't live with 'em, can't make rent without 'em.

“Ohhh, Say Can You See …” Yes, I Can, and Eew

To many, the American flag symbolizes freedom and a way of life, and there are some things you just don't do to Old Glory - at least, not in Florida.

Under Florida law, anyone who mutilates, defaces, tramples, or burns a U.S. or Florida flag with the goal of insulting it is guilty of a first-degree misdemeanor.

Donnie White, 44, just found that out the hard way. …

White was arrested in a shopping plaza on West Hillsborough Avenue in Tampa, after someone called 911.

"The gentleman kept saying vulgar things about America and the flag and what he wants to do to the flag in a vulgar way." said Chris Johnson, a paramedic who witnessed the spectacle. …

“When the police officer took him to the side, he sat down actually, put the flag in his pants, and sat down on the flag and then he was rubbing his privates with the flag. The police officer got very upset over that, you could tell,” recalled Johnson.

“Biff Loman, for the defense, Your Honor.

“Clearly, there is no crime, here. State law says that no one can mutilate, deface, trample, or burn a flag with the goal of insulting it. To do so, is a first-class misdemeanor. My client did none of those things and his intent was not to insult Old Glory, nothing of the sort. On the contrary, when the police interrupted him, my client was in the act of pleasuring the flag with the intent of making sweet, sweet love. In that regard — and I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking this — if loving the flag is wrong, Your Honor, I don't want to be right.

“I'm sorry? Oh. Yes, my client is prepared to go to jail immediately.”

"It's $20, Same as in Town"

Florida state Rep. Robert "Bob" Allen, R-Merritt Island, was arrested Wednesday and charged with soliciting an undercover male officer for sex at a park in Central Florida, according to police.

Investigators said Allen was acting suspicious and went in and out of the men's restroom at Veteran's Memorial Park, located on East Broad Street.

Minutes later, authorities said, Allen solicited the male officer inside the restroom, offering to perform oral sex for $20. …

Allen, is a former Little League volunteer who also donated time to the Boys and Girls Club, serving on its board of directors.

The Merritt Island resident was born in 1958 and moved to Brevard County in 1964. He attended the University of Central Florida and Florida State University.

He has a wife and a child, according the official Web site of the Florida House of Representatives.

Allegedly, he offers to blow them at a discounted Family rate.

I use to think Republicans were uptight about sex because they weren't getting any. Now, I realize they're pissed off about it because they aren't getting it at the prices they want.

You'd think that of all persons, the Invisible Hand of the Marketplace would provide them with with a good price or, barring that, a decent reach-around.

You'd be wrong, of course.

All Right, Ladies! Come and Get It

Have you reached a place in your life where you have attained substantial success? Are you a very busy executive or a businessman with very little time? Are you a caring individual who loves and wants to share the finer things in life? Whether you want to have an ExtraMarital Affair or just love to pamper a special someone, you are at the right place!

Our philosophy goes back to the cave ages - Men want the younger and more attractive women.

And, women, want the man with the bigger and more sheltered cave. The able provider and strong protector. This translates today to a man having the means of providing a woman with all the possible comforts and luxuries. Money and Power. Qualities that are irresistible to women.

Over the years, society has tried to set rules (whether it be having an ExtraMarital affair or Pre-Marital Sex) as to what's "right" and what is "wrong". Attraction to Money, Power, and Physical Beauty is in our genes. It's about time we lost the games and lived life the way WE want to - by following our instincts.

Since money is a relatively recent invention, you should probably ignore that part about attraction to money being in our genes. Clearly, that's just the ho' in the writer talking. Or a typo.

The rest of it, though, is spot on. That since the Dawn of Man, it has been the 90-year-old, erectile-dysfunctioned, colostomy-bagged cave men who have led the hotties back to their caves with the trappings of his success and the effluvia of their incontinence.

Thanks to the Web and Viagra, we no longer have to wander in the Sugar Daddy darkness. Biological destiny is just a mouse-click away.

And I'm Not that Big on Housekeeping, Myself

THE salacious rumor that Marilyn Monroe and Clark Gable had a torrid sex romp on the set of "The Misfits" has finally been shot down for good. The blond bombshell was too unhygienic for the mustachioed star, according to a new tell-all. In "Clark Gable: Tormented Star," out this September, David Bret writes that the "Gone With the Wind" star was "not in the least amorously interested in Marilyn. In as much as he had a fetish for cleanliness, she could not have been less fastidious regarding per sonal hygiene. Like Jean Harlow, she bleached her pubic hair and never wore panties . . . She suffered from what today would be described as a form of irritable bowel syndrome." Just as unappetizing, Bret claims, "she rarely bathed, slept in the nude and ate a lot in bed - shoving what was left on her plate under the sheets before going to sleep."

While I can see where that might be a turn-off for some, I can't see myself reacting in any way but, "Oh, honey! You cooked" because I know how to appreciate the little things a woman does for me.

But Me? I Don't Hold Grudges

One day I was at home listening to the Three 6 Mafia interview on Imus, and I got a call from my good friend Bono. He told me, "The good people at Vanity Fair said I could be guest editor this month and devote the whole magazine to Africa." I said I'd write a piece about the non-participation of African-Americans in Pan-African affairs. I sat down at my computer and realized that piece would only be three words long. Those words are: Niggers is broke.

There's also the matter of some of you selling us to the slave traders. Oh, don't be coy: it's insulting to all of us.

I know. Given how events have transpired, you'd think the grudge-holders among us would just let that go. And you'd be wrong — so very, very, amazingly wrong, so wrong that the English language doesn't have a way to describe how wrong you've manage to get this. I'd like to tell you in some other way, but since we've long forgotten our native tongues, you're going to have to take my word for it. It's still too soon.

But good luck with all that.

Artist Rendering of 11-Year-Old Drunk Driver

An 11-year-old girl was charged with drunken driving after leading police on a chase at speeds of up to 100 mph that ended when she flipped the car in an Alabama beach town.

A video camera in the police car captured the look of surprise on the officer's face when he approached the wrecked car and got a look at the motorist.

When asked by the arresting officers where she was going in such a hurry, the pre-teen told the officers she was trying to make Last Call.

From the Smoking Gun's Mug Shot Archive

On top of being a sure-fire ice breaker, that t-shirt will also take your cellmates' minds off your highlights, which is probably a good thing — unless, of course, you also heart tossing salads.

“He's a Complicated Man, and No One Understands Him, but His Woman: Biff. Loman. They Say This Cat Biff Is a Bad Mother. . .”

I didn't remember that the mob “got Shaft … up to here.” When this movie first came out, what I remember from the AM radio ads was, “This movie is rated R, so if you're under 17 and you want to see ‘Shaft,’ you got to ask yo’ momma.”

That poor woman, she didn't get a day's rest that summer until her little boy got to see Shaft take it to The Man, one more time.

Then, I started begging her for a black, leather jacket and a white woman (although I can't blame Shaft completely for that last one). She got me neither.

Anyway, Shaft is on the big screen again, playing this weekend at the Central Cinema. So I'm going to see that “black, private dick who's a sex machine for all the chicks.”

I think I'll call my mother on my cell phone from the ticket window, and ask her to tell the cashier I have her permission to go in.

Remember: “We're All in This Together”

IN CONGRESS, July 4, 1776.

The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America,

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.--That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.

Whenever I read that I always think, If Jefferson had been in my political philosophy class, I would have turned him in to the University's Honor Court for copying off Locke's paper. But that's beside the point.

The point is, on these national day's off, it's always nice to take a little time off from blowing shit up, slow-roasting pigs, and fighting relatives to read the founding documents of the country — yes, homework on your day off — the works documents that define us as a People and tell everyone else what being one of us means. Because, frankly, sometimes, it seems we forget.

Over the past few years, everyone has been trying to redefine us — Red State/Blue State, Conservative/Liberal, Goose-stepping Nazi/Goose-stepped on Pacifist — in divisive terms, With us-or-Ag'in Us terms, that hide the underlying truth of the above document: Governments come and go, but the People (Capital “P”) remain. The natural rights that we institute governments to protect, that bind us as a polity, survive and surmount all petty (and not so petty) political issues.

To paraphrase Voltaire, I might disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death my right to call you a brain-dead, un-wiped asshole over beers. Disagreement and debate, after all, are at the heart of a healthy republic. It's when people stop talking to each other, stop caring about what others have to say, stop listening to all the ideas in the market place that republics die. It's when party or ideology come before fellow citizens and the nation, when I can't say, "Fuck you," buy another round, and continue trying to convince you I'm right (and I am), that we get into trouble. Of course, I'm exaggerating — a little — but not about this: the truths we hold to be self-evident demand a democratic nation, and a democratic nation demands open — sometimes heated — debate to inform elected representatives of what they are suppose to do on the public's behalf.

Otherwise, we might as well have a king decide everything for us.

The long and short of it is, democracy ain't a government for pussies, people. Cowboy up.

Today is a good day to remember that.

Now, get back to the fireworks.

Happy Fourth!

P.S. It's your round, cheapskate.

Like You Didn't See That One Coming

At a press conference held today, Woodland Park Zoo announced a newly discovered elephant herpesvirus as the cause of death of Asian elephant, Hansa (HAHN-suh). … The 6_-year-old female elephant died unexpectedly on June 8 after showing only mild symptoms of reduced activity and appetite and an increased shyness towards humans. …

“The virus that infected Hansa is a new discovery in the science community that we detected for the first time on June 28 as part of the research into the cause of Hansa’s death,” explained the world’s leading expert on elephant herpesviruses, Dr. Laura Richman, a research scientist at the National Elephant Herpesvirus Laboratory at Smithsonian National Zoo. …

According to Richman, there are many unknowns. “We don’t know how Hansa contracted the virus, and we don’t know how common it is,” added Richman. “We will continue to collaborate with several laboratories to characterize and better understand this new disease, which may take months to years.” This unnamed virus will eventually be named by viral taxonomists based on its genetic composition.

If they take location into consideration, since this occurred in Seattle, expect it to be named something like “Skeezyguyhavingsexualcongresswithelephantbeingfilmedbyhispales Simplex I.”

Oh, Canada! Bow-Chicka-Bow-Wow

It doesn't matter what you put on your pizza at this delivery joint, it's still hotter than the average slice.

Local entrepreneur Corey Wildeman has launched Porno Pizza, a delivery-only pizza business that places pornography where you would usually find only cardboard -- under the pizza.

Customer: What's that?

Pizza boy: What?

Customer: That. On the side of the box.

Pizza boy: Oh, that. That's, um, dipping sauce, you know, for the crust.

Customer: I didn't order any … Oh. Eww. EWW.

Dude, you going to have take at least $5.00 off if you expect me to accept this.