"I'm a High School Graduate, Just Trying to Make It in This Topsy Turvy World. My life Sucks"

"Ah, you said you'd never change, but here you are bumping tacos."

You really don't want to know.

But Happy Halloween! (Not for the faint of heart)

Costumes from Japan: Theirs Is the Superior Society

From the world famous “Party Costume” line of party costumes, we have here a bodysuit patterned with what appears to be one of those Magic Eye things. “Don’t focus on my ass. Focus through it.”

Believe me: there are more costume designs awaiting you in the Land of the Sagging Scrotum, but none that I want more.

I mean, I could so rock that. And during the rest of the year, I could use it for pajamas.

Single Male, Going to Hell, Planning on Hitting Every Pleasurable Sin Along the Way. Seeks Dissolute Female to Share Driving, Chip In on Gas

A collection of witty and eccentric lonely hearts ads from the London Review of Books have been brought together for a new book. . . .

It features some of the most brilliant and often absurd ads from what's been billed as the world's funniest - and most erudite - lonely-hearts column.

Here's a selection of the funniest . . . :

'I've divorced better men than you. And worn more expensive shoes than these. So don't think placing this ad is the biggest comedown I've ever had to make. Sensitive F, 34.'

'Not everyone appearing in this column is a deranged cross-dressing sociopath. Let me know if you find one and I'll strangle him with my bra. Man, 56.'

'Bald, short, fat and ugly male, 53, seeks short-sighted woman with tremendous sexual appetite.'

'My ideal woman is a man. Sorry, mother.'

'Slut in the kitchen, chef in the bedroom. Woman with mixed priorities, 37, seeks man who can toss a good salad.'

Mmm, tossed salad. No, wait: Sexually, that means something else doesn't it? That's what the kids call "rimming." Mmm, rimming.

Ah, Florida: What Would an Election Be without You

After a week of early voting, a handful of glitches with electronic voting machines have drawn the ire of voters, reassurances from elections supervisors -- and a caution against the careless casting of ballots. . . .

Debra A. Reed voted with her boss on Wednesday at African-American Research Library and Cultural Center near Fort Lauderdale. Her vote went smoothly, but boss Gary Rudolf called her over to look at what was happening on his machine. He touched the screen for gubernatorial candidate Jim Davis, a Democrat, but the review screen repeatedly registered the Republican, Charlie Crist. . . .

Broward Supervisor of Elections spokeswoman Mary Cooney said it's not uncommon for screens on heavily used machines to slip out of sync, making votes register incorrectly.

Ms. Cooney did admit that it was uncommon for the screens on heavily used machines to slip out of sync in favor of the Democrats. "What's your point?" she didn't say.

There's no point. I was just wondering if I should put on my tin-foil hat now, or wait until after the election and the landslide win for the Republican party.

Well, Peter MacKay Ain't Exactly Shouting It from the Rooftops

Norm MacDonald: Well, I am a Canadian, as you know. But I love America better. But. . . I am a Canadian, and I know this Peter MacKay character. I've known him for years. If I was Condoleeza Rice, I wouldn't be too flattered, 'cause that guy'll fuck anything. I swear to god.

Don't Get Caught Up in the Commercialism. Remember: Jebus Is the Reason for the Season

Letting the chidren inside to drink beers
Razor blades hidden in 3 Musketeers
Screams of kids in the basement begging to be set free:
That's what Halloween means to me.

"I promise to let you go home
"If you swear not to tell
"A soul."
"Well, I just untie these...I'm kidding.
"Now, where is my hacksaw?
"Let's rock and roll."

I love this song. It's probably why the kids stay away from Old Man Loman's Place this time of year.

I'm Shocked -- SHOCKED!! -- To Find Racism in America.The Terrorists Have Won

Teams in two Cleveland suburbs are quitting a youth football league because of racially insensitive actions by fans, coaches said. . . .

The president of the Hudson Hawks Youth Football Association, John Elffers, has apologized for fans who wore Afro wigs and painted their faces black at a playoff game Sunday. Shaker Heights coach Jeffrey Saffold said Hudson fans also used a racially offensive word during Sunday's game and at two other times. . . .

Elffers said in a written statement that the Hudson fans' actions were foolish and insensitive but not intended to insult or offend. He said Hudson's teams have played in the league for 15 years and have not received previous complaints about the costumes, even against other teams with black players.

Apparently not on the 15-years-of-racial-bliss memo "To:" line, was Paul Samide, a Hudson fan, who said they have worn black wigs and face paint for years because of the team's nickname, Black Hawks.

Apparently, hawks in Ohio have cottony plumes, bang frying pans together (watch the video), and squawk, "Nigger," at black children. It's no wonder they are the first choice of mascots for suburban sports clubs.

Go Hawks!

Washington State Kowtows before Michigan's Superior Dog-Fucking Fu

A 44-year-old Saginaw man remains jailed today on charges of bestiality after he was seen engaged in sexual acts with a dead dog, Michigan State Police troopers said.

Ronald Kuch was arrested after police searched the area of Midland and Carter roads Friday for a man who ran away from a Bay County Animal Control officer. The entire incident was within view of a nearby day care center. . . .

Troopers said a woman from the day care center called for animal control because there was a dead dog near the property that had been hit by a car several days earlier.

Before officers could arrive, the man showed up and began engaging in sexual acts with the dog, police said. . . .

Officers determined that the house belonged to the man's girlfriend and later learned that the dog, a black Labrador retriever, also belonged to the girlfriend. The dog had been dead for four or five days.

"Your Honor, we'd like to plead 'not guilty' to these charges. Since the dog died four or five days ago, it's hardly bestiality -- what with the spirit having left the body and everything -- now, is it? I mean, let's be honest, all you've got on him is public masturbation with some some road kill formerly known as Prince, and while disgusting, you have to concede, it's hardly illegal.

"I beg your pardon?

"Oh, yes, my client is prepared to go to jail today. We got him a toothbrush and a carton of Kools on the way over."

What Part of "Lion" Did You Not Understand

Spectators cheered as entire Cambodian Midget Fighting League squared off against African Lion

Tickets had been sold-out three weeks before the much anticipated fight, which took place in the city of Kâmpóng Chhnãng.

The fight was slated when an angry fan contested Yang Sihamoni, President of the CMFL, claiming that one lion could defeat his entire league of 42 fighters.

Sihamoni takes great pride in the league he helped create, as was conveyed in his recent advertising campaign for the CMFL that stated his midgets will "... take on anything; man, beast, or machine."

. . .An African Lion (Panthera Leo) was shipped to centrally located Kâmpóng Chhnãng especially for the event, which took place last Saturday, April 30, 2005 in the city’s coliseum. . . .

Sihamoni was quoted before the fight stating that he felt since his fighters out-numbered the lion 42 to 1, that they “… could out-wit and out-muscle [it].”

Unfortunately, he was wrong.

Apropos, there is now a classified ad running in Kampong Chhnang's city paper:

NOW HIRING:

Cambodian Midget Fighting League

28 Must-Fill Openings Available
We provide the mawashi and training
You provide everything else.
Strict height limits enforced.
No fatties.

"And If the Sagging Polling Numbers Hadn't Taken Yours, I'd Punch You in the Nuts," He Didn't Say

Thomas Rankin, the Libertarian running for Wyoming's lone U.S. House seat, said Rep. Barbara Cubin (news, bio, voting record), R-Wyo., threatened to slap him after a televised debate. . . .

Rankin, who has multiple sclerosis and uses an electric wheelchair, said Monday night in a telephone interview with The Associated Press that the confrontation occurred immediately after the debate.

"My aide and I were packing up to leave the debate, and Barbara walked over to me and said, 'If you weren't sitting in that chair, I'd slap you across the face.' That's quote-unquote," Rankin said.

In ye olde days of Shock and Awe and sky-high Republican poll numbers, she would have. She would have slapped him, turned over his chair, and pissed on its battery. But, sadly, the Republicans have gone soft.

WARNING: NOT FOR CHILDREN

Congressman Mark Foley Action Figure WITN #3

Six inches tall. This is a sculptural Mockup in polymer clay it is not articulated. ONE OF A KIND this is the only one.

Artist David Johnson of SpectreStudios

Please watch this auction.

Mmm. This is making my schadenfreude erect and tingly. I might need to rub it.

Whoops. Gotta run. My mom's yelling for me to take out the garbage.

cul8r

SchoolHouse Rock with Courtney Love

Judge: Courtney Love, I sentence you to 3 months probation, and to check yourself into a narcotics treatment program.

Courtney: Well, I sentence you to eating a big pile of shit. You know what you are? You're a . . . Hold on a second. [Rummages through her purse.] You're a motherfucking, cock-sucking donkey-raper.

She unpacked her expletives.

It's Pierce County: He Was Probably Having Sex with the Dog so His Neighbor Couldn't.

A man accused of having sex with the family dog has been charged under the state's new animal cruelty law, which makes bestiality a felony, a prosecutor said.

Michael Patrick McPhail, 26, of nearby Spanaway, pleaded not guilty Thursday to one count of first-degree animal cruelty in Pierce County Superior Court.

Assistant Pierce County Prosecutor Karen Watson said McPhail was the first person in Pierce County to be charged with the new bestiality offense. . . .

McPhail's wife told investigators that she found her husband on their back porch Wednesday night having intercourse with their 4-year-old female pit bull terrier, the Pierce County sheriff's office report said.

"Since when is making love to your own dog a crime?" said Mr. McPhail at a hastily called press conference. When told that it has been illegal since June, McPhail said, "Oh. Well, I'm going to need to speak to an attorney, then."

There's something wrong in your relationship when you have to get a public defender to represent you because your wife won't grant you access to the family assets after your arrest. But then, you probably knew that, that something was wrong with your relationship. It probably occurred to you once or twice when you were fucking the dog on the back porch.

"Indiana Jones and the Enlarged Prostate," Would Probably Be Appropriate, Too

Harrison Ford says he feels "fit to continue" to play Indiana Jones despite growing older. Ford, 64, said at the inaugural Rome Film Festival on Friday that he was delighted to team up again with directors Steven Spielberg and George Lucas for the film. . . .

Ford played Indiana Jones in 1981's "Raiders of the Lost Ark," 1984's "Temple of Doom" and 1989's "The Last Crusade." . . .

Ford declined to provide details about a shooting schedule or film locations, adding that the directors were not yet finished with the script.

"I think it's a real opportunity to make a film as successful ... as the ones we've made before," he said. "In fact, we're sticking very close to the formula that made those movies so well received, right down to the title."

Ford did not say what the movie would be called, but the titles under consideration include "Raiders of the Social Security Fund," "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Depends," and "The Last Erection."

Do It To Me Florist-Style

Abstinence Rose Pin:

"You are like a beautiful rose.
Each time you engage in premarital sex,
a precious petal is stripped away.
Don't leave your future husband
holding a bare stem. Abstain."

Well, not so fast there. Some guys -- he said while pointing in his own direction -- like a girl who's lost her petals (and burnished her stem, for that matter) because those girls know the beauty of the flower is lost on us and, more important, but directly related, they know how to use their stems.

It's Pretty Funny as Long as You're Not that Parent

To figure out what teens are up to when their parents aren’t watching, we gave 53 boys and 47 girls from four Manhattan high schools (Dalton, La Guardia, Beacon, and MLK) a “purity test,” a series of 37 questions designed to tease out exactly how far they go. Then we went after 100 parents—not the parents of the kids we polled, but parents with kids in the same teen demographic. (We would have liked to administer a take-home purity test, but alas.) We found them—54 moms and 46 dads—in midtown, and put them to the test, with one difference: We asked them to guess their own teens’ answers.

Have you ever. . .

...performed oral sex? Teens, 51; Parent who thought teen had 1

...had sexual intercourse without a condom? Teens, 29; Parents who thought teen had, 1

...taken pictures during sex or sexual activity? Teens, 15; Parent who thought teen had, 1

...masturbated while someone watched? Teens, 15; Parent who thought teen had, 1

...had sex in a public place? Teens, 15; Parent who thought teen had, 1

...had anal sex? Teens, 12; Parent who thought teen had, 1

. . .reader who thinks it's the same parent, 1

. . .reader who doesn't think parent is going "That's my boy!", 1

It's in His Kiss

Using your mouth Your sexual hidden talent is your ability to use your mouth. You are incredibly sensual, a great kisser and a seductive lover. You drive all of your partners crazy with your mouth. Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com

I know. It doesn't sound like much of a talent, but that's because you weren't born with extra muscles in your lips and tongue that have been honed to Olympian perfection, and so, don't know the kind of talent this hints at. I'd tell you more about it, but I don't want you to become dissatisfied with your present lover.

In fact, pretend I never mentioned it.

"If You Build It, He Will Come"

Four Italians have constructed what they believe is the world's first full-sized chocolate igloo but they have yet to solve an age-old problem.

It still melts.

Biff: "Is this Heaven?"

Marco: "No, it's Perugia."

Biff: "Funny, I could've sworn this was Heaven."

Marco: "Heaven is the place where dreams come true."

Biff: "Okay, but if Monica Belluci is in that igloo melting chocolate on her inner thighs and licking the excess from her fingers, we're going to have to revisit this issue."

In Texas, "You Can Put Anything Up Your Butt as Long as It Isn't a Penis"

Molly Ivins: In the 1970s, when the legislature re-wrote the sodomy laws, they outlawed almost everything anybody could think of and quite a few I'd never heard of before. And just before they were about to move the third and final reading, Rep. Renal Rosson from Snyder leaped to his feet and said, "Wait a minute! Wait a minute! We forgot mouth-to-anus with chickens!"

-- from The Dildo Diaries

P.S. Beware: This is a long clip, and it that includes a reference to a legislator as a "Bible-thumping dwarf." You've been warned.

"The Chair Recognizes the Jackass from the Great State of Alaska"

2. Representative Donald Young (R-AK)
The scene: Fairbanks, Alaska, 1994. Congressman Don Young, already in office for 20 years, is on the stump preaching the virtues of Newt Gingrich's Republican revolution to a group of high school students. Just look at all the wasteful things the federal government does with taxpayers' money, he tells them. The National Endowment for the Arts, for example, funds art involving "people doing offensive things ... things that are absolutely ridiculous." One student asks, "Like what?"

"Buttfucking," replies the great scourge of obscenity and instructor of youth.

"Yeah, that's pretty fucking obscene, right there," responded the hungry, searching young mind.

"Fucking A," said Rep. Young.

I'm Tired of All the BUSHit"

A woman who was ticketed for having an obscene anti-Bush bumper sticker filed a lawsuit in federal court Monday against a county in the state of Georgia and its officials.

Denise Grier, 47, of Athens, Georgia, got a $100 ticket in March after a DeKalb County police officer spotted the bumper sticker, which read "I'm Tired Of All The BUSH**."

A DeKalb judge threw out the ticket in April because the state's lewd decal law that formed the basis for the ticket was ruled unconstitutional in 1990.

No word, yet, as to whether the fine for failing to tie her Toyota to the hitching post will stand.

"I Like Them Leathered and Bound" Wow: Me Too

It looks like one of those large ones
With plenty of space in the margins.
OH, BABY!
I want to get with you
'cuz your bible's got pictures.
My minister tried to console me,
But that book you got makes me so Holy.

So ladies!
Yeah!
Ladies!
Yeah!
Do you be saved from Hades?
Then, read it to the pages fall out.
Even white preachers got to shout.

That sound you hear is the Baby Jebus crying, because He likes the original better, too.

Britain has a Minister of Women: Who Knew?

Johanna Dray is breathtakingly beautiful, with shoulder-length black hair and big, dark eyes. When she stands up, however, she reveals what has kept her out of most major fashion magazines and catwalks in Europe, including this month's Paris fashion shows: a voluptuous figure clad, one recent evening, in chic black pants. . . .

At 5 feet 9 inches, and wearing the equivalent of a size 16 -- the pear-shaped model declines to say exactly how much she weighs but appears to the casual observer to be somewhere between "generous'' and normal -- she is certainly not fat by American standards, but perhaps a bit heavy to the ever weight-conscious French.

"Between 'generous' and normal": Mmmm, yeah, welcome to Biff Country.

There's a Lot of Disappointment There

Do you see the way the hippo looks at the dog and then shakes its head? Well, imagine the hippo is my mother -- no offense, Ma -- and I am the attention-seeking dog. You are now viewing my childhood: Biff, 6-10 years of age.

So everyone, think before you conceive.

"Dear Biff, I Can't Get Laid to Save My Life and Jane Magazine Isn't Helping. What Should I Do?"

Meet Sarah. She's funny, gorgeous and hopes to lose her virginity by her 30th birthday in November. She came to JANE for help meeting guys.




Poor Sara. After you've listened to her video, you realize why she's a virgin. She's looking for sex in the way she looks for a relationship.

For a relationship, you need to know compatibility stuff. Is he funny? What are his hobbies? What are his favorite movies? That kind of thing. You don't need that kind of thing to lose your virginity.

You need sex. For sex, you need to know about sexual compatibility. You need to know if this guy is any good. (Ask your girlfriends for good one-night stands. They probably can turn you on to a couple.)

Tell the funny guys with good hearts to take a number while you show your Oh-Face to some tall, hard-bodied gigolo who makes you wet just looking at him. Oh, don't be coy. You know the kind of guy I'm talking about. You know that image you masturbate to? Well, saddle up and go get him. Try a line like, "Hi, I'm Sarah. I'm a virgin. I don't want to be a virgin tomorrow. What are doing tonight?" Only not as subtle. I think you'll like his response.

Now, anyone else need any advice?

For yea, I Did Slay the KKKnaves That Did Ejaculate Their Hate and Seed upon Yon Ebon Cherub, and I Pray They Twirl Upon Perdition's Spit

William Shakespeare’s “Serpents Upon a Wingèd Vessel”

by Jeremy Richards.

Months before it was relased, the Samuel L. Jackson vehicle Snakes on a Plane became a pop-cultural zeitgeist. But few know of this film’s true origins, newly discovered in one of William Shakespeare’s lost folios. This rediscovered text appears now in public for the first time.

Serpents Upon a Wingèd Vessel
~A Most Lamentable Tragedie of Death and Flight~

by William Shaxpere

. . .For ne’er within my fury, nor my reign,
Shall snakes be on this motherfuckin’ plane.

Now, Is the Time on Sprockets When We Laugh

You people all have hands
Ze are all normal hands
Five fingers und some hair
But mine are very bare.

Do you know why? I'll tell you why.

MY HANDS ARE BANANAS!

Un frau stripes und also frau spots. . .

Keep ze monkeys away from my hands!
We are ze monkeys. We are ze monkeys

Eine, zwei, drei, vier, fünf, sechs, sieben, acht.
Now, clap like this [clapping]

Beware ze milky pirate. Beware ze milky pirate.
Beware ze milky pirate. Beware ze milky pirate.

That's good advice, I don't care who you are.

You know, I use to worry about the next generation. Now, not so much. They're going to be all right.

Buffalo.

Buffalo.

A Movement Epitomized by Its Marches Is Used to Sell a Truck

Meanwhile, the new Silverado campaign, which is an extension of Chevy's "An American Revolution" advertising, is trying to convince U.S. pickup buyers that they should stay with Chevy's pickup.

U.S. truck buyers tend to be loyal to Detroit brands, but pickup sales in the country have slowed, in part because of rising gas prices. . . .

The ads, created by Campbell-Ewald, try to make the connection between the American experience and the Silverado truck.

One ad, titled "Anthem," shows images of civil-rights icons Martin Luther King Jr. and Rosa Parks and shots of the damage left behind after Hurricane Katrina.

"We hope that 'Our Country. Our Truck' will inspire people to think, 'Yeah. These are the bruises and scars that have shaped our nation, and we have rebuilt ourselves spiritually, emotionally and physically,' " said Bill Ludwig, chief creative director at Campbell-Ewald.

"We also hope that 'Our Country. Our Truck' will not inspire people to think "Holy shit! Did they really put Martin and Rosa in the back of the truck?!" and that it will not cause anyone to imagine either of the icons being dragged behind it, which is why we didn't add James Byrd to the bruises and scars referred to in the commercial.

But, mostly, we hope our client doesn't notice that these commercials don't really address the reason why Chevy truck sales have slowed down, that they're really just flag-waving in front of our already patriotic and loyal fanbase. Because while we're more than happy to take the heat from 10 - 15 % of the American public pissed off at our use of icons for gross commercialization, we are not prepared to lose an account in these tight economic times.

When Martin Luther King Jr. Day became a holiday, I sighed, resigned to the fact that someday soon there would be a MLK White Sale and, probably, a commercial showing MLK marching to Birmingham in Isotoner shoes: "Thank God Almighty! My feet are free at last!" I didn't know Rosa would get roped into it, too.

Sorry, Rosa.

I Love the Ribbon's Big Finish

Oh stick magnetic ribbons on your SUV.
Keep your apathy and get off scott free.
If I don't see a ribbon on that S.U.V.,
I'll call you a red, wish you were dead, put the blame on weed.
If I don't see a ribbon on your SUV.

It's tasteless in spots, but given the present climate, where rational debate has receded into the dust of history and rhetoric and spectacle have assumed the mantle of truth in its absence, what do you expect?

Mmm, Mango Sauce

I generally make a bleeding heart cake for our annual pumpkin carving party (Pumpkinfest). Sometimes the heart beats, sometimes it's anatomically correct, and so on and so forth. This year I decided to go the whole hog and make an entire thoracic cavity cake. The plan was for each organ to be made out of a different kind of cake and to secrete a different color of fluid when it was cut into. . . .

Heart - orange cake with raspberry sauce
Lungs - apple spice cake with strawberry sauce
Kidneys - orange cake with blueberry sauce
Stomach - ginger cake with mango sauce
Liver - chocolate cake with kiwi sauce
Small Intestine - jelly roll with red currant jelly

I maintain that the small intestines should have been filled with chocolate pudding, but, hey, rational people can disagree.

Her other creations are pretty cool, too.

"And We Can Dance Just as Good as We Walk"

Yo La Tengo covers a song I like to call "The Tighten Up," so if you know the song I'm talking about and love it like I do, tighten up on this link.

A Donut Shake for Breakfast, a Donut Shake for Lunch, and then a Sensible Super-sized Double Quarterpounder Value Meal for Dinner

Once the fried dough embodiment of hot and fresh, Krispy Kreme has transformed its original glazed doughnut into a new frozen beverage for summer.

The chain introduced a new line of frozen drinks Wednesday, including frozen original kreme -- a drinkable version of the company's signature doughnut -- raspberry, latte and double chocolate.

Customers can also add coffee to the kreme and double chocolate. . . .

The Winston-Salem, N.C.-based company said it currently does not have plans to introduce low-carb versions of the new drinks.

Does this make my ass look fat?

I'm Making a Donation to NPR for That Line Alone

"Yeah, but not as much. I mean, the vagina can take a lot of punishment."

Mission Impossible 2? It Was More Like a Katie Holmes Cock Ring, in Other Words, Pleasant under the Right Circumstances

Tom Cruise has filed a $50-million lawsuit against Holesome Fun Incorporated, the world's largest manufacturer of sex toys, over the company's alleged unauthorized use of his image on its new Mission Insertable butt plug.

Mr. Cruise is also demanding "the immediate and complete withdrawal" of the Mission Insertable butt plug from Holesome Fun's Dark Side of the Moon catalog and from any and all persons "currently harboring" this device. . . .

The device at the bottom of this controversy is a 3-inch silicone statuette designed to be inserted into the anus and rectum for sexual pleasure. A butt plug can be inserted during sex or it can be worn while its user is gardening, shopping, or attending the theater.

I saw Mission Impossible 3. A 3-inch Tom Cruise poked into my anal eye, yeah, that about sums it up.

The Catholic Church Has a Ceremony for Everything -- except Gay Marriage, That Is, Because That Would be Crazy

She stood at the altar in a white gown and veil, but she was there for no earthly man. Lori Rose Cannizzaro was dedicating her virginity to Jesus.

Saturday's rare Catholic ceremony, one her own pastor didn't know existed, turned the 42-year-old into a "consecrated virgin." Fewer than 200 women in the United States and 2,000 worldwide have declared their perpetual virginity this way, according to U.S. Association of Consecrated Virgins.

"There are people who think I'm nuts," Cannizzaro said.

No, just unfuckable. That's not the same thing, not all the time, anyway.

"Call Me 'Big Poppa' when You Back That Volvo Stationwagon Up"

Titles of Songs I Could Credibly Write If I Became a Rap Star.

BY GREG HOWARD

- - - -

Mama Said Have Some Milk and Cookies

Bitches and Hos (I Have Neither/Nor)

I Know Someone Who Has a Friend of a Friend Who's Chillin' on Death Row

I Like Medium-Sized Butts ... I Mean, It's Great If They Have Some Dimension but Let's Not Get Carried Away, but on the Other Hand It's No Good When the Legs Just Shoot Straight Up to the Hips and There's Nothing Else There, I Hate That

Smack My Fax Up

See? This Is Why When the Shit Hits the Fan and the Press Is Calling, You Give the Phone to Your Mom. Mom Will Defend You Against Any Charge

A Perth Amboy middle school teacher has been arrested on charges she engaged in a long-running sexual relationship with a 13-year-old student, authorities said yesterday.

Amy Burke, 32, who has taught physical education and health at McGinnis Middle School for nearly a decade, first had sexual contact with the boy in March, Middlesex County Assistant Prosecutor Andrea Carter said. The relationship continued at least through the summer, Carter said. . . .

"I'm beside myself," the woman's father, Michael Haskins, said when reached at the family's Elmwood Avenue home yesterday.

Haskins said he learned of the arrest yesterday morning and had not spoken with his daughter since. He said he was unaware of any relationship and had not seen the student Burke is accused of molesting.

Asked if he believed his daughter was capable of having sex with a student, he responded, "Anything's possible."

Okay, let's go over this again, because, obviously, some of you aren't paying attention. Listen up, this time.

Whenever you're in deep do'h! -- particularly when the d'oh! is with the Law -- let your mother do the talking. Your mother will defend you against anything, blindly, irrationally, faithfully, no matter the evidence, no matter the charge. You're her baby. And her baby could never do whatever her baby is being accused of. Your dad, on the other hand, is going to wait to hear the evidence, weigh the facts. If you let your dad talk, you're screwed.

Dad sees you as an adult, an adult who's as flawed as the next, equally as capable of doing something heinous as anyone else. That's not good. If you let him speak to anyone, Dad is going to get you "Life without parole."

Mom is going to get you "reasonable doubt" -- or, barring that, a steady supply of cigarettes. That's why mom is Plan A, Your Go-To Girl, God's Gift to the Guilty (and that, my friend, unfortunately, is you). Go with mom.

Now, can you see where Amy Burke went wrong (I mean, besides screwing a minor)?

For the "Glass is Half-Full," Out There, the Headline is "Man Helps Girlfriend Deal with Alcoholism; Cares for Her Pets while She's Away"

A 46-year-old man in Marion County, Fla., is accused of killing his girlfriend, sleeping with her body and then waking up and taking the woman's five cats to be euthanized, according to police. . . .

"They had an argument about a drinking problem that she had," Marion County sheriff's Capt. James Pogue said.

Johnson told police he then attacked and killed Campbell, the report said.

"At that point he said he put her in the bed," Pogue said. "He changed her clothes. He pulled the covers over her and placed a plant next to her."

Campbell then slept with the body in the apartment, Local 6 News reported.

Because when confronted with a really bad situation, it's important to sleep on it, think things through, clear your head. Things always look better in the morning.

That said, "drinking problem she had?!"

I'm a Layman, Ignorant of the Ways of the Law, but I'm Going to Guess He Did It against the Advice of Counsel

A Chicago man apologized for spreading his feces around a courtroom during his trial on drug charges.

Vandale Amos Willis, 28, apologized Wednesday before being sentenced to more than 10 years in prison. Willis was convicted earlier of importation of a controlled substance, cocaine, and two other charges.

Granted, if a jury pronounced me guilty of importing cocaine, I'd shit myself, too -- no question. What I can't figure out is how Mr. Willis went from shitting to shit-spreading, as I was under the impression, spreading feces was frowned upon by the justice system and that bailiffs and such were trained to lay the smackdown on someone in the midst of a shit-spreading before said someone could give a courtroom a proper skid marking.

Silly me.

Fuck Yous for the Literate

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second...if there is one."
Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
Stephen Bishop

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
Samuel Johnson

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
Mark Twain

Those Sheep Are the Biggest Liars of Them All

I love ads. This one, because it reminds me of the animal-loving Northwest, cracked me up.

The Seventh Sign Has Been Cracked. Repent. Dude. Seriously

To all of you that believe in a loving god that wants us to be happy and feel love, I say, "MY EYES! THE BLEACH WON'T CLEAN MY EYES!"

Oh, Yeah: A Really Sweet Christmas, It Is Going to Be

Sometimes, the gifts are for me, just for me.

"Olly Olly Oxen Free!"

Steve Kroft's investigation, in which an ex-FBI agent who worked on its al Qaeda task force says the list of 44,000 names is ineffective, will be broadcast this Sunday, Oct. 8, at 7 p.m. ET/PT. . . .

"When we heard the name list or no-fly list … the eyes rolled back in my head, because we knew what was going to happen," [former FBI agent, Jack Cloonan] says. "They basically did a massive data dump and said, 'Okay, anybody that's got a nexus to terrorism, let's make sure they get on the list,'" he tells Kroft.

The 'data dump' of names from the files of several government agencies, including the CIA, fed into the computer compiling the list contained many unlikely terrorists. . . .

But the names of some of the most dangerous living terrorists or suspects are kept off the list.

The 11 British suspects recently charged with plotting to blow up airliners with liquid explosives were not on it, despite the fact they were under surveillance for more than a year.

The name of David Belfield who now goes by Dawud Sallahuddin, is not on the list, even though he assassinated someone in Washington, D.C., for former Iranian leader Ayatollah Khomeini. This is because the accuracy of the list meant to uphold security takes a back seat to overarching security needs: it could get into the wrong hands. "The government doesn't want that information outside the government," says Cathy Berrick, director of Homeland Security investigations for the General Accounting Office.

Well, the government's pretty much fucked, then, isn't it?

You know who's name is on the No Fly list, though? Steve Kroft's. Or it will be. I've got money on it.

By the way, are we safe, yet?

Iggy Pop Would like a Tastefully Done Dressing Room, And . . .

And you're going to want to read the following page because on it, he, Jos Grain, asks for "10 packs of American Spirit cigarettes. Actually, i know that unless you live in the united states you won't be able to find these. But they're fantastic! They're made of pure, organic tobacco with no additives. That's brilliant, isn't it? They must be really good for you. In fact, fuck it, I'm going to start smoking again. For health reasons. . . ." Sweet: I love rock and roll.

Is Sam Jackson In That?

Don't you wish you could interject random dialogue you thought of without having any prior knowledge of how it would possibly fit in? Thanks to a new contest at Transformers.com, that wish is becoming an ill-conceived reality. Simply type in a line you want to hear Optimus Prime say in the form below, submit, and if yours is chosen you'll get to hear it spoken in Michael Bay's upcoming Transformers movie. . . .

It should be something that really gets to the heart of the character. A line they may have left out that really communicates what Optimus Prime and the Transformers are all about.

"Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!" is my submission, because that's what Optimus Prime would say; that's what the Transformers are all about.

Now Starting a Pool on the Racial Backgrounds of the Victims

DeKalb County police killed a suspect they were chasing early Tuesday, marking the department's 10th fatal shooting this year.

The toll is more than three times the number of fatal shootings by police in all of last year in the county of 700,000 residents. It also exceeds the seven so far this year in New York City. Los Angeles had report nine fatal shootings by police as of September. . . .

The four officers involved in the shooting will be placed on routine administrative leave while the shooting is investigated, Gagnon said.

The operative word, here, being "routine."

Scary, Is What It Is

In The Heterosexual Agenda: Exposing The Myths, you will learn how:

* heterosexual militants have embarked on a systematic assault on American values;
* heterosexual activists plan on recruiting your children into their lifestyle;
* heterosexuals are undermining traditional marriage;
* heterosexuals are undermining the health and safety of society;
* violence has become a hallmark of the heterosexual lifestyle;
* heterosexuals are intent on eventually recriminalizing all freedoms of expression for gay men and women. (It’s already happening in Zimbabwe, Nigeria, and throughout the Middle East where the heterosexual agenda is well advanced.)

Here is where the buck stops — no hype, no exaggeration, no fear-mongering — just the facts.

I use to wonder what reporting would look like if the American Left ever started duplicating Fox's methods. Now, I don't.

"Well, I Don't Usually Drive Stick, But. . ."

Contestants taking part in the Amazing Philippine Beauties 2006 pageant for transsexuals, transvestites, transgenders and cross dressers wait to go onstage at a theatre in Manila September 15, 2005.

Tell the truth. You were totally getting heated up over that man meat, weren't you? Come on. You can tell me.

"I'm Sorry, but You Will Never Be Able to Satisfy a Woman Sexually, but Here's To You, Mr. Tiny Wang Man, and Your Tiny Wang"

Chicago ad agency Meacham, Ellis & Young is the talk of the industry this week in the wake of the public's overwhelmingly negative reaction to its much-trumpeted, multimillion-dollar 'Small 'n' Flaccid' advertising campaign for Merit cigarettes. . . .

Despite high expectations, the campaign and its slogan, "Merit—Makin' You Feel All Small 'n' Flaccid" has met with universal and complete failure. . . .

Upon realizing its error, Meacham, Ellis & Young implemented several last-minute changes to the failing campaign in an effort to prop up sales. However, despite adding slogans such as "Merit -- Love That Limply Dangling Taste"; "Merit -- When You're Too Big A Pussy To Smoke Anything Else"; and "Your Tiny, Ineffectual Penis Has Merit," the ads continued to flop.

"Your tiny, ineffectual penis has merit" sounds like a daily affirmation for the genitally-challenged.

Worth Visiting Just to Hear the Use of the Phrase "Butt Pudding"

Forgo eye contact as this may lead to a severe beating or an unwelcome sexual encounter. . . .

Speech is your enemy. Never, ever, under any circumstance say a single word while in a bathroom, not to a friend, not to a lover, not even to Jesus, himself. Violation of this precept grates against all good things and the ways of nature, corrodes the efficiency of the bathroom, and places the very fabric of our civilization in peril.

Amen. I'm sorry we need tutorials like this.

Mr. T was once Michael Jackson's bodyguard....

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This is almost as much fun as Balderdash.